Forever We Fall

by Chloe Walsh

  “I know my father,” Lee argued. “He would never plead guilty.” She shook her head and chewed on her nail. “This has to be a mistake.”

  “Jimmy knew it was the end of the road for him,” Kelsie said in a gentle tone. “This is good news, Lee,” she added. “Do you understand what this means?”

  “No trial,” Lee breathed. She shook her head as if she couldn’t get her head around it. I couldn’t either.

  “Is this on paper?” I asked as I pulled Lee onto my lap. Her body was shaking as she leaned her back against my chest. “Is this a done deal or more bullshit?” I didn’t believe for one second Jimmy would plead guilty. Something was up. This wasn’t right.

  “It already happened,” Kelsie said with a grin. “There was an emergency hearing this morning. I was there. He pled guilty. To every single charge. So, yes, Mr. Carter. It’s a done deal.” Kelsie said with a grin. “And you should thank your father for this one.” Kelsie sighed heavily before adding. “We could have used him with the Grayson trial.”

  “Oh Kyle,” Lee sobbed. Turning in my lap she wrapped her arms around my neck. “It’s really over. He’s really gone.”

  “Do you need to go back to the hospital?” Lee asked me, after Kelsie had left, as we were lying on our bed. “I know I’m not supposed to know,” she continued. “But I could come with you—wait in the car or something . . .”

  “No,” I whispered, tightening my arms around her as I pressed a kiss to her hair. “Just lay here with me for a little while.”

  Closing my eyes, I yawned and shifted around to get comfortable. “I haven’t slept in so long, Lee,” I told her. “I’m so tired.”

  “Sleep, Kyle,” she whispered. “Just for a little while. All our troubles can wait until the morning.”

  “Is she okay?” I demanded the moment I found Cindy sitting on the floor outside of Linda’s hospital room. I’d fallen out of bed and rushed straight to the hospital when I’d listened to Cindy’s hysterical voicemail. “Cindy,” I hissed. “What’s happened?”

  “I’m sorry for calling you in the middle of the night,” she sobbed, her tone thick with emotion. “But it’s nearly time. You need to say your goodbyes, Kyle.”

  It’s nearly time . . .

  You need to say your goodbyes, Kyle . . .

  “Are you sure?” I croaked out.

  Cindy nodded sadly. “The doctor has been in,” she sniffed. “H-he said s-she’s fighting it.” Covering her face with her hands she wailed. “You have to tell her it’s o-okay, Kyle,” Cindy begged. “Tell her it’s okay to go. We’ve all told her . . . but she’s holding on.” She sobbed harder. “You need to give her peace. It’s you she needs to hear it from.”

  Exhaling a ragged breath, I opened the door of Linda’s hospital room and forced myself to step inside before walking slowly towards her bed.

  Patty made to stand, but I shook my head, and chose to kneel instead. I figured it was safer this way. At least my body was closer to the ground, because I was fairly certain something inside of me of tethering dangerously close to the edge. And when she . . . and when it was time, it would snap.

  “It’s me, Linda,” I whispered, taking her cold veined hand in mine. “I’m right here, just like I promised.”

  The rattling sound coming from her chest was something that would haunt me for eternity. “K . . .”

  “Shh,” I coaxed, pressing a kiss to her hand, intertwining our fingers, as the tears trickled down my face. “Just relax,” I whispered. “You’re safe. I’m here. I love you so damn much.”

  Stroking my cheek against her hand, I finally told her what I should have told her years ago.” You were more than . . .” my voice broke and I had to take a few deep breaths before I could speak. “You were more than just a mother to me,” I sobbed. “You were better and I’m so . . . I’m so thankful to you.”

  Her throat rattled, fucking rattled. “Sc . . .”

  “You have nothing to be scared of,” I promised, kissing her hand repeatedly. “This is your new adventure. It’s okay . . .” I clenched my eyes shut and forced myself to speak the words I knew would set her free. “Everything is gonna be okay. Everyone . . . I’m gonna be okay.”

  “H . . .”

  Climbing onto the bed next to her, I tucked her into my arms and held her, whispered how much I loved her, as her body jerked briefly, her breath rattled, and her life slipped away.

  “Kyle,” I heard someone say. “She’s gone.”

  “Just . . . give me a minute,” I whispered, clutching the only mother I’d ever known in my arms, as I tried to come to terms with the fact that this was it.

  It was over.

  She was gone.

  I was dressing our bed when the bedroom door flew open, slammed against the wall, and Kyle staggered into the room, shaking like a leaf and heaving.

  I didn’t have to ask him what was wrong, or why he’d rushed out of the house in the middle of the night without telling me where he was going.

  The paleness of his skin and his bloodshot eyes were enough of an answer. The answer was etched on his heartbroken face.

  Linda.

  “Kyle.” Dropping the pillow I’d been holding, I rushed towards him.

  He staggered past me and threw himself down on the bed. “She’s dead,” he cried, his chest heaving with huge gut-wrenching sobs. “She fucking died on me, Lee.”

  She’s dead . . .

  Oh god . . .

  Kyle had said Linda could die any day, but I just hadn’t expected it to be this day. And knowing Linda would die hadn’t prepared me for the swell of sadness in my heart. I didn’t know what to say to the broken man in front of me. My grief was nothing compared to what Kyle was undoubtedly feeling . . .

  He covered his face with his hands, twisting his body at an irregular angle, writhing in emotional agony. “I can’t fucking breathe from the pain,” he hissed. “I feel like I’m dying with her.”

  “Oh Kyle,” I choked out, as I rushed over to where he was and covered his body with mine, desperate to comfort him. He cried harder and my heart split clean down the center. “I’m so sorry, baby.”

  “No,” he roared and it was a soul-shattered, heartbroken roar of pain. “FUCK.”

  Moving quickly, Kyle jerked to his feet, accidentally knocked me to the floor in his rush, and proceeded to trash the room, tearing every book shelf off the wall, knocking over every piece of furniture that could be moved. I remained silently on floor, barely breathing, eyes locked on him—on his rampage.

  He was completely out of control, lost in a violent haze of grief-stricken rage, but I wasn’t afraid of him. I was afraid for him . . .

  He punched his fist through the dresser mirror, grabbed the drawers and flung them at the windows. The panes of glass shattered and Kyle punched his hand through the remaining pieces of glass. Shards of glass and the contents of the drawers scattered out of the window.

  He yanked on his hair so hard clumps of hair came away in his hands. He didn’t stop, he just kept annihilating everything that came in his way. The TV went next and then it was the bed’s turn.

  I scrambled out of his way, backing into the corner, as Kyle dragged the mattress off the base and pummeled it with his fists. Blood streamed from his hands, tears spilled from his eyes, and a continuous agonizing roar tore from his throat.

  The bedroom door swung inwards and I gasped in relief when I saw Derek come to the rescue. He glanced down at where I was huddled and he sagged in relief. “Linda died,” I told Derek, letting him know what had come over Kyle.

  “Died?” Derek croaked out, his face paled, clearly shocked. “Jesus, Kyle,” he whispered. “It’s okay, buddy.” Rushing over where Kyle was now kicking and beating his fists off the timber frame of our bed, Derek grabbed his shoulders and swung him around.

  Kyle’s head snapped up, his eyes locked on Derek, his whole body shook as he shoved Derek’s chest.

  Derek fell b
ackwards, steadied himself, and stepped forward, arms out.

  Kyle pushed him again and Derek repeated the same ritual. “It’s gonna be okay,” Derek choked out, wrapping his arms around Kyle’s trembling body.

  “Walk away,” Kyle snarled as he shoved away from Derek’s hug. “I mean it, Derek, walk the fuck away from me or I will kill you.” He pushed Derek harder. “You too, Lee,” he choked out. “Leave me be.”

  “Then you might as well kill me,” Derek shot back, his voice thick with emotion. “Because I am not walking away from you. Not now. Not fucking ever. You’re my family. And she’s your family,” he said, jerking his thumb in my direction. “Don’t you dare tell us to walk away from you. We. Are. Family.”

  “Go,” Kyle roared. Punching Derek in the face, Kyle shoved him so hard he fell onto his ass and I couldn’t watch another second of his self-destruction.

  Climbing over the rubble that was our bedroom floor, I took Kyle by surprise when I jumped up, locked my arms around his neck and wrapped my legs around his waist tightly.

  He stiffened and for a moment I truly wasn’t sure what he would do, but then a deep shudder rolled through his body, his arms came around my waist, and his legs went from beneath him.

  We fell to the floor, but I didn’t budge an inch. I kept a death grip on the man who was crying so hard I thought he would pass out from the pain. “I’m breaking, Lee,” he choked out. “I feel . . . hollow.”

  “You are not breaking,” I told him, tightening my hold on his body. “I refuse to let that happen.”

  Kissing his forehead, I guided his face to my chest and stroked his hair. “I will fix you.”

  Smoothing my fingers over the parts of his scalp that were bleeding from where he’d ripped out his hair, I used my other hand to cup his tear soaked cheek. “I’m going to take care of you,” I vowed quietly. “I won’t let anything happen to you,” I whispered. “I promise.”

  “I won’t let that happen either, man,” I heard Derek say in a gruff tone moments before he sank to his knees behind Kyle, taking his bleeding hand and wrapped it in a towel. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Where is he?” I asked Lee the second her feet hit the bottom step of the stairs.

  I’d left Kyle and Lee upstairs hours ago—brought Hope downstairs and took care of her for most of the day—to give them privacy, but I was going out of my mind with worry.

  Linda was dead.

  She was dead and I had no idea how she died, where she died or why. I’d known absolutely nothing until I’d heard all the banging in their bedroom this morning and had rushed up being nosey. Thank fucking god because I’d never seen Kyle so out of control in my life. Hell, I’d never seen anyone react the way he had. Watching Kyle’s meltdown had been one of the most terrifying things I’d ever witnessed in my life.

  “He’s asleep,” Lee said wearily. Walking into the kitchen, she opened the cupboard under the sink and removed a bottle of bleach. “I got him in the shower,” she mumbled as she reached into another press and withdrew some cleaning rags. “He’s in the spare room.”

  “I cleaned up the stuff in the yard,” I told her gently, feeling embarrassed that I’d spent an hour of my day running around scooping up Lee’s bras and panties—the shit Kyle had tossed out the window. “I put your clothes in the laundry,” I added, red-faced. “There was a lot of paperwork flying around loose, so I just gathered up what I could find and bunged it in a bag in the cupboard.”

  “Hmm . . . oh, thanks, Der,” she whispered as she grabbed a pair of rubber gloves.

  “Are you going cleaning, Lee?” I shook my head in confusion. “Sweetheart, I think the house will keep until tomorrow.”

  “It’s the blood.” Sighing heavily, Lee turned around and leaned against the counter. “I need to get rid of the blood, Derek.” She shuddered and rubbed her hand over face. “Cam,” she whispered and my heart sank.

  “I’ll clean the blood,” I told her gently. “You sit down and take a breather.”

  Taking her arm I led her out of the kitchen and into the lounge before pressing her down on the couch. Hope was playing happily in her playpen and I turned on a cartoon for her before taking a seat in the armchair by the fire. “What happened, Lee?”

  “She had cancer, Derek,” Lee whispered, wiping a tear from her cheek. “Kyle told me last night. That’s why he’s been behaving so erratically.”

  Cancer? “How did we not know this?” I demanded.

  “Because she didn’t want us to know,” Lee replied softly. “Kyle wasn’t even supposed to find out, but that girl Cindy told him–she’s related to Linda.” Shaking her head, Lee climbed to her feet and tucked her hair behind her ears. “I need to call my mother,” she announced quietly.

  “Why? She’s got nothing to do with this.” I didn’t like that woman—had a bad fucking feeling about her.

  “I’m going to need her help with Hope,” Lee replied. “Because I’m going to need your help with Kyle.”

  Wiping her face with the back of her hand, Lee glanced at the door before locking her eyes on my face. “Brace yourself, Derek,” she whispered. “He’s in denial and we still have a funeral and a murder trial to get him through.”

  “I can’t go, Lee,” Kyle whispered as he sat on the edge of the bed in our spare room, and if I wasn’t kneeling in front of him I wouldn’t have heard him. “I can’t watch another one being lowered into the ground.”

  “She is not another one,” I said in a firm tone as I adjusted his tie and fixed the collar of his shirt.

  Linda’s burial was in an hour and I had only just coaxed Kyle into his suit. “She is the woman who gave up years of her life for you, and you are going to go. You will go, Kyle.”

  “I’m sorry, Lee,” he choked out. “For being the worst kind of bastard to you.”

  “Kyle,” I sighed. “You weren’t yourself. Do not judge our relationship on three weeks of heartache. I’m not.”

  “Lee?” Kyle said softly as he stared intently into my eyes, his blue ones full of pain.

  “Yes, Kyle?”

  “Please don’t die.” Clasping my chin, Kyle tugged my face up to his. Resting his forehead against mine, I could hear his harsh breathing, watched his chest rise rapidly, as he stroked my face with his thumb. “Please don’t ever leave me on my own.”

  “That’s never going to happen,” I promised, forcing down the tsunami of emotions thrashing around inside of me. I had to be the strong one this time. Kyle needed me and I would not let him down. Cupping his face between my hands, I pressed a kiss to his lips and smiled. “If we’re going out, then we go out together,” I told him. “Where you go I go.”

  Climbing to my feet, I held my hand out for his. “Come on, Sonic.”

  The service was beautiful, heartfelt and sincere.

  Linda’s sister Patty, paid a wonderful tribute to Linda, mentioning Kyle’s name in many parts of her speech, as did Cindy, Linda’s niece, but Kyle had declined to speak and to be honest, I’d been relieved. I didn’t think he was physically able to stand, let alone speak—his whole body had shook violently for the duration of the service.

  I was stunned by how many familiar faces I recognized in the pews considering Linda had kept her illness a secret, but Cindy had told Derek that Linda had given her permission to inform her co-workers after her passing.

  Mike, David, and Anna Henderson sat at the back of the church and Marcus Whiteman and most of the staff of the hotel were scattered in the center aisle.

  Kyle barely made it to the graveyard, having to stop several times to regain his balance. His hand never left mine and, with Derek on his other side, Kyle managed to stay upright and pay his final respects to the woman who, for all intents and purposes, had been his mother.

  The only noise he made was when they lowered Linda’s casket into the ground and that small choked off cry would stay with me until my dying day.

  Linda was gone.

&nb
sp; Three weeks today and it felt as fresh as if she’d died yesterday.

  Her funeral and the week that had followed were still a blur to me. I couldn’t remember anything and I was glad. I only hoped in time that I could forget the sounds I’d heard and images I’d seen that night.

  There was a song on my iPod that I kept finding myself going back to. Listening to the words and relating them to Linda. It’s called If You Could See Me Know from a band called The Script.

  I replayed the song, fucking devoured the lyrics, over and over until my ears burned and my lungs restarted, inhaling huge bursts of air.

  I thought back to what Derek had said to me the day after Linda’s funeral—the one thing about the whole ordeal I did remember. He’d said; ‘you’re lucky, Kyle. At least you had time with her before she passed away—time to say goodbye, to get closure.’

  I hadn’t been able to answer him at the time, but I thought about his words every day since . . . and I couldn’t disagree more. Losing Cam the way we did, so quickly, and without warning was fucking brutal, but watching someone you love rot in a goddamn hospital bed was, in my opinion, a far worse form of torture—administrated in daily doses of agony and despair until you were nearly dead from the pain.

  Without Lee these past few weeks, I would have been fucked and I didn’t say that lightly. I would have lost my goddamn mind. Her presence was like a soothing balm, calming me, gluing me back together and I was finally coming to terms with the fact that the world was still spinning.

  I also had a newfound respect for Derek. The months following Cam’s murder, when I’d tried to help him, I hadn’t had a fucking clue of what he’d truly been going through. Jesus, I was so proud of him for pulling through, for surviving, because as heartbroken and cut up I was about Linda, I knew in my heart and soul that if it was Lee who had died then that would have been it for me.