For Now: A Novel

by Kat Savage

  I tried telling you when we were on our walk at the cabin but we were having such a wonderful time and I was so afraid to mess it up. Your happiness there made me decide to push it off a little longer. That was wrong of me, too. I never should have done that.

  And another apology. One that’s not really mine to give, but one I will give anyway because I don’t know what else to say about it. I am so sorry about Marilyn. I’d like to say you can’t imagine my shock but I think we both know you can. I’m not quite sure I can wrap my head around it even now. It’s all so fucked up. I knew she was in a bad place for a really long time but I didn’t know it was that bad. Those things, they’re inexcusable. What she did to you is crazy. I can’t even think of a better word for it. You’ll probably never get an apology from her, but I wanted you to know I am sorry my past got all tangled up in yours and became your problem. I am sorry two people hurt you. I’m sorry they hurt the both of us in so many different ways. If I know you like I think I do, you’ll hold onto this and maybe it will ruin everything. Hopefully though, you find it in yourself to let it go.

  Lastly, and hopefully most important, I need you to know how I feel. I understand if you don’t feel the same way or can’t feel the same way because of the things that have happened. I know they have some weight to them. But I need to say it. I love you, Delilah. And I want you to know because I think you can love me, too, if you let yourself. I never even tried to stop it. I never held myself back from feeling this for you. It was so natural to me, so organic. It felt right. My god, Delilah, do you even understand what a beautiful creature you are? It’s like no one’s told you. Your whole life, no one has told you what is so obvious to me. And I can’t understand it. I just can’t. And I don’t mean just the outside, Delilah. I mean, the inside. In you, there is this energy, this light that will not stop burning. Look at all you’ve been through. Look at all you’ve endured. And still, here you are, standing up for yourself, refusing to take the easy road.

  I’m sure if I hadn’t shown up when Jeff was there or even Marilyn, you’d have been just fine. You’d have kicked, screamed, and clawed your way out. Because you’re a fighter. You’re not a victim. You’re a survivor. Do you know that about yourself yet? Can you see it? If you let me stick around, I promise to remind you every day. I promise to tell you over and over again until you’re sick of my voice.

  Because here’s the thing. Here’s what this is really about. I don’t just want to be your friend. And I don’t just want to do this thing we’ve been doing that is more than friendship. I want to do this with you. It’s insane and messy and strange, I know. It’s a hell of a story. But this is what I want. I want you. I want us. I want to be your friend AND your lover, Delilah. I want to be by your side every day, loving you.

  So I just have one question for you, Delilah. Can I stay?

  Yours,

  Samuel

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  I must have sat here and read that letter over and over again for at least two hours. I must have read it fifty times. I’d read it and then sob. Then I’d read it again and sob some more. Each time, it took me several full minutes to compose myself enough to read again. I wasn’t sure why I kept reading it. It was like I kept searching for something. I even flipped the envelope upside down and shook it a couple of times. What the fuck do you expect will fall out, Delilah? You know he’s not in there.

  I paced in circles around my couch. Every part of my body wanted to move. Who was I kidding? Every part of my body wanted to explode. I was feeling everything all at once. Part of me was mad at him for writing such a beautiful letter. Part of me was still mad at him for lying to me. Part of me wanted to hug him. Part of me wanted to strangle him. How fucking dare you, Samuel? Damn you.

  I sat the letter down and curled up in a ball on the couch. I texted Emma.

  Me: Reading that was a terrible idea.

  Emma: Why?

  Me: I’m crying.

  Emma: Good tears or bad ones?

  Me: I don’t know.

  Emma: I think you do.

  Me: Shut up.

  Emma didn’t reply. She knew where I was, what I was feeling. There was something crippling about love. It scared the shit out of me. It didn’t always, but what I had gone through certainly changed that for me. I used to revel in love. I used to be excited about just the idea of it. Now, it was terrifying. I lay here, contemplating my decisions, dissecting both my past and present. I went over the future decisions I needed to make, too. Then I heard the tiniest tap on the door. I raised up slowly, staring at my door. I didn’t recognize the knock. It was small and unsure. I waited a few seconds to see if I was imagining it and heard it again. I stood up and walked over, trying to peer out the window as I walked by. I didn’t see anything. I opened the door slowly and looked around at eye level and out to the road but no one was there.

  “Hi.” A small voice traveled up at me. I looked down to see Mason standing there.

  “Mason? What are you doing here? Where is your dad?” I asked, looking around frantically for any sign of Samuel.

  “He’s not here. Or at home,” he said, looking up at me.

  “Is something wrong?” I asked, opening the door wider to let him inside. I brought him into the kitchen and sat him down in a chair. I crouched down next to him and looked him in the eyes.

  “Dad got the mean babysitter instead of my aunt so I ran away,” he said, his eyes dropping to his shoes.

  “Oh, Mason. You’re going to have your babysitter very worried. Do you want me to walk you back?” I asked.

  “Please don’t. Can’t you just call my dad?” he pleaded.

  I took a deep breath. Oh, god. I’m going to have to call him. Shit. “Sure thing, buddy. I’ll call him,” I said, half smiling at him. I had to keep up appearances for him. I couldn’t have a complete meltdown in front of the boy and expect him to understand why calling his dad was the absolute last thing I wanted to do right now.

  I walked back into the living room and grabbed my phone. I pulled up Samuel’s contact and hovered my finger over the call button. I steadied my breathing and held the phone to my ear. It rang twice.

  “Hello? Delilah?!” His voice rang with an excitement I had to cut short.

  “Samuel, yes, it’s me,” I said.

  “I was hoping you’d call, I…”

  “Samuel, I’m sorry to cut you off but I wasn’t really calling for that,” I said.

  “Oh….”

  “Mason is here. At my house. He ran away from your house. He said you got him the mean babysitter,” I said.

  “Oh my god! Is he okay?” he asked.

  “Yeah, he’s totally fine. Trekked all the way over here all on his own. He asked me to call you.”

  “I’m so sorry he bothered you. I’ll be there as soon as I can. It will be a few minutes. Is that okay?” he asked.

  “It’s okay, no need to apologize. And, yeah, that’s totally fine. Take your time,” I said. We hung up and I looked at Mason. “Well, your dad is on his way.”

  “Thank you,” Mason said.

  “No problem. So, are you hungry or anything?” I asked him.

  “A little bit,” he answered. I glanced around the kitchen, realizing most of what I needed to make anything was already packed up.

  “Will a PB and J work for ya?” I asked.

  He nodded his head in excitement.

  I wish that was all it took to excite me. Little kids can really humble you. I started whipping it together while simultaneously wondering why Mason had come here to my house. “Hey, Mason?” I asked.

  “Yeah?” he answered.

  “What made you decide to come over here tonight? You know, instead of a closer neighbor?” I asked. I turned to walk his sandwich over to him.

  “Well, you’re really nice. And I didn’t see you for a while so I wanted to come see you,” he said.

  I sat his sandwich down in front of him and he immediately picked it up. “You did?” I asked.
>
  He nodded his head as he continued to take bites.

  I smiled at him. He was an adorable thing. It didn’t help that he looked just like his dad, with the exception of those eyes. “I’m glad you came to see me, Mason.”

  I sat here watching him eat his sandwich and felt the bittersweet pang in his words. He came to see me because he liked me. I made small talk with him about kid stuff. I would really miss him. He was a good kid. These are the sorts of random things you end up missing the most in the end. The things you don’t think about until after something is all over. I heard a knock at the door.

  “That’ll be your dad I bet,” I said. I gave Mason a smile and fluffed up his hair. He was finishing up the last bite of his sandwich.

  I walked through the living room to the door. I took a deep breath and reached for the knob. The last thing I wanted to do was see him right now with all of these unresolved emotions inside me. But I didn’t really have a choice. I had Mason to thank for that.

  I opened the door and there he stood, hands in his pockets, smiling his perfect smile. I gripped the edge of the door tightly. I didn’t know what to say or how to even stand here normally.

  “Hey there,” he said, which somehow made me feel very small. His simple greeting sounded like an apology and a question all at once.

  “Hi,” I managed. Just then, Mason appeared next to me.

  “Hey, Dad,” he said, looking down at his shoes, kicking at the door jamb. He put his hand in mine and surprised both me and Samuel I think.

  “Oh, Mason. Come on, bud. We need to have a little chat,” Samuel said.

  Mason walked across the threshold and paused, turning back toward me. He looked up at me and then lunged at me, wrapping his arms around me. I relaxed my body and hugged him back.

  “Thanks for the sandwich. I’ll see you later, Delilah,” Mason said, smiling up at me.

  “No problem, buddy,” I said. I choked back everything else.

  Samuel put his hand on Mason’s shoulder. “Can you go wait in the car, little man?” he asked.

  Mason shook his hands and headed off toward the car.

  Samuel stood there, never breaking eye contact with me. His face was pleading for answers I wasn’t prepared to give him.

  “Thank you for taking care of him. I don’t know what came over him,” he said.

  “Of course. I was happy to do it,” I said.

  “Listen, Delilah. I…I’m sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. I had it all worked out in my head. This grand plan about how to tell you how I feel and…well, that’s all gone now. Anyway. Like I said. I’m sorry,” he said.

  I stood here silent for a moment, sorting out what to say. “I guess sometimes things just don’t work out the way we hoped they would,” I said. I wrapped my arms around myself. The cool night breeze brushed my cheek but it was no match for how cold I felt inside. Every part of me was shaking. I didn’t want him to stay but I didn’t want him to go. I just wanted to push the pause button. Everything could go still right here in this moment, and then I could just step away unnoticed, unmissed.

  “Right. Yeah. Okay, Delilah, well, like I said, thanks for Mason. Um, goodbye,” Samuel said. He turned and walked back toward his car.

  I watched him go. I didn’t let myself cry until I saw his taillights disappear around the corner. I walked quietly back inside, shut the door behind me, and sank to the floor once again. I wasn’t sure if doing the right thing was supposed to feel this bad. I wasn’t sure if this was the right thing.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  I left my little house behind the next morning and I didn’t look back. After saying my goodbyes to Emma and David, I traveled east. I found a little cabin in the woods for rent in Virginia and shut myself in for a while. And by a while, I mean, several months. I cried and wrote and then cried some more. I don’t know if healing is the word I would use for what I did but I got back to some semblance of normalcy after a while. With no distractions, I finished a new project for my publisher in record time.

  I stayed in touch with Emma of course, checking in on her and the bump daily. Being in the cabin alone for the most part wasn’t bad. There was a lot of time to reflect, both inward and outward. I thought a lot about myself, what I had been through, what I wanted. I thought a lot about how I left, what happened. Despite my efforts, I still thought about Samuel. We never spoke again after I left. He never even reached out to me. Not that I blamed him.

  But here I was, eight months later, heading back to Louisville to see Emma and be there for her as she welcomed her baby girl into the world. She asked me knowing full well I would never refuse the request. I was going to stay with her and David starting a week before her due date and I probably wouldn’t leave until a few weeks after the baby was born. I could never tell Emma no, especially when it came to something as magical as this.

  Ironically enough, they moved into the house I rented while I was there. They didn’t want to be living in their apartment when the baby came. They needed more room. And given that my place had two bedrooms, it was the perfect space for their growing family. If I had one goal while I was there, it was to avoid seeing Samuel. It’s not like he would know I was there. He wasn’t going to stop by unexpectedly but given his proximity, running into him in the store or some other local place was a definite possibility.

  I pulled into the familiar driveway as my friend waddled out to greet me.

  “Emma! You didn’t have to come out. You should be inside resting!” I yelled out my window.

  “Oh, hush! I’m pregnant, not dying. You sound just like David,” she fussed.

  Emma was beautiful in her pregnancy. She was glowing and smiling and this fit her. I hopped out of my car and gave her a gentle but firm hug.

  “Delilah, you have to help me. I’m panicking about the nursery. It’s not finished and I need help and David isn’t doing it right,” she huffed.

  She was nothing if not a control freak. David, being a man, lacked the attention to detail she required for this project, I’m sure. “Don’t worry! We’ll get it taken care of. We have plenty of time,” I said, grabbing my bags from the trunk. I mean, how much could really be left? I was sure most of it was done and she was just freaking out about the last few details.

  We did not have plenty of time. Had they even been in here?! I looked around the space that was supposed to be the nursery. The crib was still in the box, the bassinet was only partially put together. There was one wall painted and the rest were white. The dresser was assembled in the corner. All the clothes were still packaged. Everything needed to be washed, folded, and put away. Everything needed to be assembled. They hadn’t even installed the car seat!

  Poor Emma had tears in her eyes. Apparently, and without thought, they’d planned the move here too late and had to push back the baby shower. To top it off, David had to go out of town for work. So here we were, just days from the baby’s arrival with an entire room to assemble. I patted my friend on the shoulder. If I had any say in it, this room would be finished in time.

  “I know it seems like a lot but we are going to get it finished. I promise,” I told her. We walked back through to the kitchen and she sat on a stool at the end of the counter. I started making her a cup of decaf tea to relax her.

  “How is it that you know where everything is?” she asked, laughing, watching me almost effortlessly navigate her kitchen.

  “Well, if you recall, you’re the one that basically put this house together while I was in a black hole. So I just assumed it’s how you would do it. And what do you know? Yours is set up the exact same way,” I teased.

  She shook her head at me and we both started giggling.

  “So tell me,” I said, “have you decided on a name yet?” She stared back at me with anxiety. I’m guessing not.

  “Every time I think we are getting close to agreeing on a name, I change my mind and hate all of it. I think I’m just going to have to wait until I hold her. I need to see what’s goin
g to feel right,” she said, shrugging her shoulders.

  “That’s okay, a lot of people do that,” I said. Granted, when I was pregnant, I had names picked out pretty much instantly, though I would never use those same names now. It just wouldn’t seem right. I wrapped my arm around my stomach. I didn’t really know how much time would need to pass before I stopped doing that but I was beginning to settle into the idea that no amount of time might ever be enough.

  We settled into small talk after that, catching up on gossip and things. Emma went to lie down for a nap and I went into the guest room to unpack my things and change. I really did want to get to work on the nursery for her. I wanted her to see some results and stop stressing about it so much. I changed into some workout type clothes and threw my hair up in a bun on top of my head. The first thing I needed to do was move everything out and finish painting. That would be easiest. I stacked everything up neatly in the sunroom. They hadn’t done much with it which was a shame. It made an excellent office and writing space. Some of these boxes were heavy. Fuck, this really is a two-person job. I wiped my forehead. Holy shit, I’m actually breaking a sweat.

  Just then, I heard a knock at the door. I looked around the living room. I didn’t really know what I was looking for. Someone else to answer the door, maybe? I stood here for a few more seconds and heard another knock. I guessed they weren’t going to go away. I settled the playpen box into place and wiped my hands down my sides. I shuffled to the front door and swung it open. I did not see this coming.