For Now: A Novel

by Kat Savage

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Eight hours later, I watched Emma take her baby girl into her arms for the first time. My friend lay there, tired and sweaty and unbelievably happy. Tears swelled in my eyes as I pushed the hair from her face. I watched her as she watched her baby make scrunched up faces.

  “Liv. Her name is Liv,” Emma said.

  I smiled at the perfection in front of me for a few minutes and realized the adrenaline was beginning to drain from me. I got up to stretch my legs and give them a private moment. Samuel! Damnit! He’d probably gone home after a while. I stepped out of her room and walked down to the waiting area and there he sat. He was slumped over in the corner, eyes shut. I can’t believe he’s still here.

  I sat down next to him and his eyes fluttered open. I brushed my hand against his forearm. “You stayed,” I said.

  “Of course,” he said.

  “Emma will appreciate it,” I said.

  “I know it’s her moment but I didn’t stay for her, Delilah.” He ran his thumb across my cheek.

  I looked into his eyes for a long moment. Despite being the darkest I had ever seen, they still managed to be so bright. They did something to me. Something I couldn’t explain. I felt naked under them, exposed. When he paired them with that smile that reached the corners of his eyes, I couldn’t help but buckle.

  “I know,” I said. Despite not wanting to be, I was exhausted and my body was starting to shut down on me. He took notice.

  “You’re tired. Let’s get you home. You need some sleep,” he said.

  I nodded. I went back in to say goodbye to Emma and told her I’d come back in the morning.

  Samuel drove me back home and walked me in. I headed to the guest room and he stopped a few steps short in the hallway.

  “I should probably go. You need to rest,” he said, giving me half a smile.

  “Oh,” I said, suddenly realizing I didn’t want him to leave.

  “I’ll see you later, okay? We still have to finish up this room,” he said, pointing toward the nursery.

  I nodded my head and gave a polite smile. Samuel walked back down the hallway into the living room and I heard the front door open and shut. I stood here, heart pounding, hoping to hear it open again but it didn’t. I sat on the edge of the bed and fell back, throwing my hands over my head. I thought about him. I thought about his letter. Can I stay?

  My eyelids began to get heavier and I found myself giving in to the sleep washing over me. I fell asleep right here, fully dressed, with my legs still hanging over the edge of the bed. My dreams were scattered and broken. Just flashes of images like a slideshow. I saw Jeff and Marilyn. I saw Mason. I saw Samuel. He was waving at me from far away. It felt like he was saying goodbye. I felt panicked.

  I shot up from sleep in a cold sweat. I inhaled quickly and shuttered. I wiped my eyes and searched in the dark for my phone. I had been asleep for three hours. How can that be?

  I knew what I had to do now. I got up from bed and changed my clothes. I had been wearing these since yesterday. I threw my purse over my shoulder. I took a look in the mirror and tried to tame my hair a little. I wiped the smudged mascara from beneath my eyes and shrugged. Well, if it’s love….

  I ran out the door and down the road. I ran around the corner and saw Samuel’s house. Ignoring everything else, I ran all the way up to the front door and knocked. I knocked again. I turned to see his car wasn’t in the driveway. Where is he?

  I thought for a moment and then searched in my purse. I found a scrap of paper and eyeliner and that would have to do. I scribbled a note down as best I could, telling him where to meet me and when, and shoved it in the crack of his door. And all I could think was, please find this, Samuel.

  I needed to get back to Emma’s and then to the bridge as fast as I could. I only had one hour to make this happen. I only had one hour to change my life.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Here I was, standing on this little bridge for the second time in my life, hoping with everything I had that he found the note and would show up. At least I didn’t look like a bum anymore. I managed to grab a shower and even put a dress on. My hair was actually cooperating and I had thrown some makeup on. Now, I just had to wait. I checked my watch. 4:55 p.m. Well, the note did say 5…

  I clutched the folded piece of paper in my hand and looked around but there was nothing, no movement at all. I leaned over the bridge and watched the water ripple over the rocks, causing tiny bubbles to foam up around them. I grabbed a leaf from the overhanging branch and dropped it in. The water carried it away down the stream until it disappeared from my sight. I checked my watch again. 4:57 p.m. Christ on a cracker, this is excruciating. I took a look around but still saw nothing.

  There was always the possibility that he wouldn’t show up. He would, wouldn’t he? I mean, over the last couple of days, it seemed like there was still something. What if he didn’t actually want this though? What if he thought about it and decided it was a bad idea? He did leave earlier instead of staying. Didn’t he hear it in my voice? Didn’t he know I wanted him to stay?

  I checked my watch again. 5:01 p.m. Oh, god. I frantically looked around, searching for any sign of him approaching. I propped my elbows on the edge of the railing and sank my face into the palms of my hands. This was a disaster. A complete and total disaster. I didn’t know why I ever thought this would be a good idea.

  “Hello, Delilah.” I heard from over my shoulder.

  I stood up and turned to him. Samuel was walking toward me, hands in his pockets in that shy way he did, that bright smile across his face. I smiled back. “Hello,” I said.

  “So…what are we doing here?” he asked.

  “Well, I finally figured out the answer to that letter you wrote me. Do you remember?” I asked.

  “Of course I remember,” he said. He was standing in front of me now, so close I could smell his cologne. He was searching my face for the answers.

  “Do you remember what you asked me?” I asked, pressing my lips together.

  “Can I stay?” he said hesitantly.

  I handed him the note. “I wrote you back,” I said.

  Samuel looked down at the folded piece of paper. He looked back up at me. I motioned back toward the note, urging him to open it. He unfolded it slowly. It didn’t take him long to read it. In fact, it was only two words.

  For now.

  He looked up at me, the biggest smile sweeping across both our faces. He wrapped one arm around my waist. His other hand cupped my jaw. He leaned in and pressed his lips against mine, soft at first, then harder. I kissed him back and wrapped my arms around him. I pulled at the fabric on his back. I leaned into him. This is where I was meant to be. This is where I always belonged.

  He pulled back from me and gazed into my eyes. He brushed the hair from my face. Everything I needed to know was right here in these moments.

  “Delilah?” he said.

  “Yes?” I said, blinking slowly up at him.

  “I plan to be right here with you for a lot longer than just for now,” he said.

  “For….always?” I asked.

  “For always is a good start,” Samuel said, leaning back in to kiss me again.

  Samuel did exactly what he said he was going to do, exactly what he had wanted to do this entire time. He stayed.

  Epilogue

  I stood at the counter, rolling the stiffness out of my neck. I definitely didn’t sleep well last night. I poured hot water over the tea bag in my mug and rubbed my shoulder. I leaned over the counter onto my elbows and blew the steam from my cup. I took a careful sip, savoring the herbal notes. Everyone was still asleep and these quiet moments alone with my thoughts were cherished.

  A lot happened in the last two years. I looked over at the wall across from the counter to sneak a look at my favorite wedding photo. Samuel wore a navy blue suit. I wore a champagne gown. We were in a field of wildflowers and the sun was setting behind us. It was the perfect day. Becoming a stepm
other was pretty wonderful. I pick Mason up from school every day and have made it a habit to keep snacks on hand at all times. He likes snacks. We moved into our own house. Something didn’t feel quite right about just moving into his place and so we made the decision to find something we could call ours. Luckily, it wasn’t far from Emma, David, and baby Liv. We just celebrated her second birthday and being a part of her life was something I just couldn’t live without. After all, I’m Aunt Lilah.

  I managed to put out three books since then. The last one in particular was very different than my usual writing. It was a love story and although my publisher advised against it, I went forward with it. They thought that given the fact I was established in the thriller genre, it would surely tank. Much to their surprise and mine, my fans loved it. It was the most successful release to date, launching my writing career to the next level.

  Everything was, in many ways, completely perfect. I ran my hand over my stomach. Almost everything, anyway. I heard a rustling from down the hall and Mason emerged, rubbing his eyes.

  “Good morning, sleepy head,” I said, running my fingers through his messy hair.

  “Good morning, Mom,” he said.

  Every time he called me “Mom”, I felt a little flutter in my heart. It certainly wasn’t anything Samuel or I had ever asked him to do. He just went to his dad one day and asked if he could. Samuel told him he was pretty sure that would make me very happy and as usual, he was right.

  “Want some breakfast, kiddo?” I asked.

  “Yes, please. Can I help?” he asked.

  “Sure. Want to grab the bread from the pantry for toast?”

  Mason walked over to retrieve it and I grabbed the eggs from the fridge. I heard Samuel’s voice just as I was bending down to get the skillet from the cabinet.

  “Oh, no, you don’t. I will get that,” he said.

  I felt him put his arms around me and I stood back up. He kissed my neck. “You know I’m not broken, right?” I asked. Samuel ran his hand over my rounded belly. I rubbed my hand over it after him.

  “No pregnant wife of mine will be bending or stooping or lifting or cooking breakfast while I am here,” he said.

  “Oh, now I can’t cook breakfast?” I asked. I turned around to him with my hand on my hip.

  “Well, not today you can’t. I want you to sit over there and let me cook for you and the melon,” he said.

  Samuel had gotten into the habit of calling the baby fruit this entire pregnancy. First it was a grape, then a lime, then an apple. After the first trimester, she was a mango. Now, approaching our due date, she was a full blown melon.

  When we first decided to try, I was completely terrified. But with the reassurance of the doctors and more importantly, of Samuel, my fears eased. After the point in the pregnancy passed when I had lost my first one, my fears eased a little more. It wasn’t until recently that they completely dissolved. We were in the homestretch now, and everything had gone perfectly.

  Samuel told me it was what I deserved after all the pain in my life. He said the universe has to balance itself out, that it can’t give you all the bad and it can’t give you all the good. He said given all the bad, I was due for some good. I didn’t know how true all that was, but I decided to trust in my husband’s wisdom.

  I sat across the counter from him and watched him crack eggs. He’d grown out some scruff on his jaw and I definitely didn’t hate it. Mason stood by his side ready to start scrambling the eggs with a fork when he was prompted. He was such a great kid.

  I rubbed my hands over the top of my round belly and felt a kick. “She kicked!” I said.

  Mason ran around the counter and put his hand where mine was. She kicked again. His eyes lit up with excitement. “I can’t wait until she gets here!” he said.

  He looked over at the fridge where the calendar was. I had circled the due date for him. We were only eight days away.

  I sat here, looking from Samuel’s face to Mason’s and knowing I was eight days away from having everything I had ever wanted in life. I searched for so long to find my place, to find my family. I was now a wife to the most beautiful man I had ever known. I was a mother without even giving birth. Mason had become more mine than I could have dreamed. This was my family. And when I looked in the mirror now, all I saw was love. These walls were filled with happiness and hope. I was finally home.

  I still shower in the dark, but not for the same reasons as before. I do it now for the peace it brings me. I do it now because life is about taking the things that hurt you and making them something else entirely. Something brilliant, something you can call yours.

  THE END

  Acknowledgments

  I’m 100% sure I’m not going to do this right. I’m probably going to forget someone but I’m going to try really hard not to. But if you’re reading this and realize you’re the person I forgot, feel free to cuss me out under your breath.

  Jen. I just really don’t even know where to begin with you. You’ve been my friend and constant encouragement throughout this entire process. I’m really not even sure this book would have been completed without your unfailing positive words and also your nagging. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you have done for me, all you’ve taught me, and all I have come to experience because of you. I love you, B.

  Christina. My friend, my editor, my teacher. I’m sorry about all the times I fucked up and you had to fix me. You have the most amazing spirit and I can’t imagine my life without you and all your ALL CAPS EDITING COMMENTS THAT MAKE ME WANT TO CRY AND LAUGH AND CRAWL IN A HOLE. Thank you for your patience, your persistence, and for always pushing me to be the best version of myself I can be. I love you, boo.

  Tarryn. I can’t thank you enough for hosting the Write or Die event. It really gave me the final push of motivation I needed to finish this. When you shared the photo of you at a day job years ago and said you were writing from your work desk, I really related because I did the same thing to get this done. Thank you for being unapologetically yourself. Thank you for not taking any shit. Thank you for being the greatest example of determination and drive.

  Thank you to every single author in the PLN Author Group and otherwise who has supported me. Thank you for helping promote me, for letting me into your groups, and for being a constant source of information and guidance.

  Thank you to every blogger who signed up to receive ARCs, to provide honest reviews and feedback, and for sharing me with your audiences. You guys truly make so much possible.

  Thank you to my die-hard readers, all of those in my Facebook group, and anyone who’s ever been a repeat supporter. You guys and gals are really why this book exists. Your support means everything to me, and without it, I wouldn’t exist in a writer capacity.

  Britt. My new friend. It’s strange the way life works, the turns it takes, and the people it puts in your path. I am convinced I was always meant to meet you. Thank you for being so completely wonderful in so many irreplaceable ways. Be wild. Be a queen. Kill it.

  Chris. Our story is not a fairy tale. Disney would never buy rights to it. Messy and complicated doesn’t even touch it. Even so, I find myself completely, totally, and unconditionally in love with you. I can’t picture a future without you. One day, I will write our story. But the world isn’t ready for it yet. You are by far the most difficult man I’ve ever had the privilege of loving. Which is to say, you are the most beautiful man I’ve ever had the privilege of loving.

  About the Author

  Kat Savage lives in Louisville, Kentucky where she works a super boring full time job, raises her three children, and annoys the hell out of her live-in boyfriend. His favorite adjective to describe her is "weird" so she feels like she's winning at life. They're currently searching for the right barking fur baby to add to their family.

  She loves Harry Potter (#SlytherinForLife), hot tea, gummy bears, and peculiar socks. Socks with cuss words on them are her favorite.

  You can find out more information about
Kat at www.thekatsavage.com including links to all her works, her social media, and her design work. There's even a selfie there.

  Kat Savage will definitely be returning with more novels.

  Also by KAT SAVAGE

  Learning to Speak

  Mad Woman

  Anchors & Vacancies

  Redamancy

  Throes

  This is How I Die: Collected Poems