I Didn't Come Here to Make Friends: Confessions of a Reality Show Villain

by Courtney Robertson

  Because Brittney bailed, Lindzi got the next one-on-one date by default. It was strange. I don’t think anyone ever felt threatened by Lindzi because she was just so goofy, neutral, and corny, always talking about her “shenanigans.” As she got ready, Lindzi announced she was going to bring fake plastic poop on her date and prank Ben by putting it on the seat next to him. Great idea, Lindz, we all lied. We’re sure he’ll love it. I’m not sure if she ever did it, but their date was pretty Mayberry: they took a trolley tour, ate ice cream, and slow danced at city hall as one of Ben’s favorite singers, Matt Nathanson, serenaded them.

  Finally, day four in San Francisco arrived. I never thought I’d be so happy to go to a Rose Ceremony. I was bored stiff and restless, on the verge of completely flipping out if I didn’t see Ben again soon. I wasn’t the only one losing my mind. When we got to the cocktail party, I made a toast to all the girls hoping for a positive, drama-free night, even though I was about to go postal myself. Shortly after my phony Kumbaya moment, I got into a little tiff with Switzerland (Lindzi), calling her out for making one of her classic stinkfaces at Elyse. When I got up to walk away, Emily called me “weird” and said I had a “personality disorder” behind my back.

  In the meantime, Ben had been making out with Jennifer within sight of all of us. Sensing I was about to go ballistic, he pulled me away for a private talk. He took me to the most special place in the hotel. We walked through a secret bookshelf in the library to the roof, where JFK had once brought Marilyn Monroe. We kissed in the misty rain and he told me he couldn’t stop thinking about me. I told him he was worth this process and I promised I could carry the weight of all the BS going on around us. Then I said we’d make cute babies.

  I felt amazing for about four minutes. Then the shit hit the fan. The producers sprung a surprise on us—they invited Shawntel Newton, a reject from Brad Womack’s season—to come back on our show to try to win Ben’s heart. The timing couldn’t be worse. We were all already so filled with anxiety, stress, and Cheez-Its. As soon as the foxy funeral director walked into the party, she walked over to talk to Ben and interrupted his chat with Elyse. Incredulous, we all watched and tried to eavesdrop on their conversation, but we couldn’t hear what they were saying. When we figured out who she was, everyone completely fell apart. We’re talking, crying, cursing, criticizing her thighs. It was ugly.

  I was apoplectic—primarily because Shawntel looked like the kind of girl Ben would be into. As soon as I confirmed that they’d known each other before we started taping, I stormed out, declaring that I was leaving the show because I did not need to find love like this. I made it down to the front of the hotel, with one of the producers trailing me and asking me to come back.

  “We actually have a connection and you just blew it!” I screamed at him with tears rolling down my face.

  Eventually I agreed to go back upstairs, but I told the producer that I wanted to call my sister Rachel at the next stop on the trip.

  When I returned to the suite, I looked like a wet rat and the other women looked like the walking wounded. Nicki had mascara stains running down her face (ever heard of waterproof?). Erika, the law student who had barely even talked to Ben, was on the verge of collapsing. Jaclyn was screaming that Shawntel was “Dumpster trash.” We were emotionally drained and I was devastated for all of us (except for Swiss Family Cox—Lindzi, bless her heart, said she was being “open-minded” about Shawntel).

  Yes, for a few short hours, I loved my crazy roommates. They were my temporary dysfunctional family and nobody messes with my temporary dysfunctional family. Vendettas were put on the back burner, for we had a new common enemy. When the producers brought us to the U-shaped couch to hash it out, we all banded together to make Shawntel’s life a living hell.

  “Why are you here?” Elyse yelled at her. “You don’t even know Ben!”

  “So now you’re a part of us?” Jaclyn taunted.

  “Why do you think you deserve to be here more than the girls who already went home?” Rachel implored.

  “I think she’s uglier in person,” Nicki sniffed.

  When the Rose Ceremony finally started, the tension was off the charts. A lot of girls were still crying, terrified that Shawntel would steal away a rose that should have been theirs. I refused to look at Ben. If he gave Shawntel a rose, I was done.

  Lucky for him, he called my name first.

  “Courtney, will you accept this rose?” he asked with a little fear in his eyes.

  “I will,” I said, shaking. “But tonight was a lot, and I just want you to know that. It was heavy for me. I saw you talking to what’s-her-butt and it was not easy.”

  Ben was stunned that I called him out on-camera, but I was as serious as a heart attack (luckily Emily would know how to treat that). As he rattled off a few other names, it was obvious he was going to intentionally leave the Shawntel decision until the very last rose for full dramatic effect. I refused to look at him again and prepared myself to walk out if she got the last rose.

  “I think I’m getting dumped for a girl he’s known for three minutes!” Jaclyn yelled.

  Then Erika fainted. Twice.

  After a couple breaks, Ben decided to send the last three girls—Erika, Jaclyn, and Shawntel—home. I was so busy yelling “sayonara” and cackling at Shawntel that I missed Erika fainting again and Jaclyn locking herself in the bathroom.

  The Rose Ceremony was such a circus the next day Ben sent sushi to the hotel room. “Aww, how sweet, he sent me a gift!” Emily beamed, trying to make it seem like it was just for her.

  Everyone shot her dirty looks.

  “He knows I like raw food,” I taunted, then got up and walked away.

  And just like that, because of a few pieces of tuna, we were all back to being enemies again.

  6

  FLY-FISHING & FIGHTING

  Kacie B was the first one who figured out how to poo.

  But it wouldn’t happen until we got to Utah, the next stop on our journey to find love with Ben. The lucky thirteen of us left traipsed through San Francisco International Airport like sister wives. Before our flight, I had to go to the bathroom. When I came out, I spotted Ben sitting in a restaurant, again with his baseball cap pulled down low. We locked eyes and I waved, trying to play it cool.

  When we arrived at the ritzy Waldorf Astoria in Park City, I was tipped off to the exact location of the best suite. It was huge, and had a beautiful view and private bathroom with a double shower. I told Casey and Rachel to run there with me to stake our claim as soon as we got to the hotel.

  I also cashed in on my call with my sister. I went out on my balcony where nobody could hear.

  When I heard my sister’s and my dad’s voices for the first time in two weeks I got a lump in my throat. I didn’t want them to know I was crying, so I told them I was okay and that I really liked Ben, but was having a hard time with the girls. My sister gave me a pep talk and said she read on the spoiler website RealitySteve.com that I’d be going to Puerto Rico, Panama, and Belize next. She said she knew what cities I’d been to so far because I’d charged incidentals on my credit card and she was paying my bills. I promised after that to charge a gift in every airport so they’d always know where I was.

  My dad was pretty quiet. I could tell he was trying not to cry.

  Before I knew it, the call was over. It wasn’t as fulfilling as I’d hoped it would be because I felt bad that I’d worried them. My dad can always hear in my voice how down I am.

  A lot of the girls were down, even though we were in a gorgeous mountain town and got to see the city’s first beautiful snowfall of the year. Jennifer was sick and kind of being snatchy. Samantha was openly bad-mouthing Ben, saying she knew a mutual friend of his and that Ben was just here to promote his winery. It alarmed me, but I thought maybe she was just being sour grapes because he wasn’t that into her.

  Even Kacie B was starting to lose it. Her normally indefatigable sunny disposition turned dark as soon as Ben wh
isked Rachel away in a helicopter for the first one-on-one date in Park City. Her mood improved a tiny bit after she came up with the brilliant idea to take a suppository. Inspired by Kacie B, I put in a request for laxatives, stat, plus earplugs to block out Rachel’s foghorn snoring, which was killing me. Knowing help was on the way for my stomach issues, I gleefully stuffed my face again with all the locally grown vegan food they’d stocked in our new kitchen.

  Producers knew we were on edge so they arranged for us to watch a movie and also took us on a field trip to get our nails done. In the lobby. Desperate for someone new to converse with, I tried to chat up my manicurist, but she shot me down.

  As expected, I didn’t get another one-on-one date in Utah, but I was thrown into the group date with Nicki, Kacie B, Casey, Lindzi, Blakeley, Jamie, and Samantha. Ben rode up to us on a horse and expert equestrian Lindzi just about creamed herself. I picked Romeo, the slowest, oldest horse. Unfortunately for Lindzi, she got stuck behind me on the trail so she couldn’t show off her snazzy riding skills to Ben up ahead. Sorry!

  We stopped to go fly-fishing in a river. The rest of the girls tried to catch a trout to impress Ben, but I knew my goal wasn’t to catch a fish. My goal was to hook a man. While the other girls socialized with each other, I waded over to Ben to get a private lesson.

  I’m sorry to sound like a hater, but the reality is most of the other girls just didn’t try hard enough. They could have waded over to Ben, too, flirted and fondled his long rod. But they just rolled over and let me monopolize him. I refuse to apologize for taking advantage of their weak game play.

  The only other girl who was super aggressive was Blakeley. Like me, she was punished with cruel insults and cold shoulders by the other women. But Ben rewarded her. During the group date’s night session, he made out with her in the pool. (There is always a pool on the group date. Always.) I have to give Blakeley an A for effort, even though it made me physically ill to see Ben putting the same mouth he kissed me with on her mouth. After seeing it firsthand, I did question whether I could ever put my lips on his again.

  Grossed out by Blakeley, and then pissed that Kacie B had disappeared with Ben, I sat by myself and sulked while the other girls soaked in the hot tub together. At some point during the night, Ben sent Samantha home. He’d apparently heard about her insults. Plus everyone including him suspected that she had a crush on one of the crew members.

  When informed that Samantha left, the Pink Ladies started crying and carrying on. I wanted to lighten the mood, so I joked, “Another one bites the dust!” That went over like a turd in a punchbowl. I just couldn’t understand what they were so upset about. Didn’t they want the number of women to go down? I wished he’d have sent five girls home. They were treating this experience like an Outward Bound retreat, not a dating competition. Only nobody would catch each other in a trust fall.

  Ben seemed to think the same thing. When he finally pulled me away for a little one-on-one time, he started nagging me that I should get along with the girls. I told him I couldn’t really fake it—that I wouldn’t be friends with any of these girls in the real world. They had such widely varying and polarizing personalities. He didn’t see my side at all. I pressed him about what Samantha had said, that he was only here to promote his winery. Ben seemed shocked and offended. He denied even having mutual friends with her.

  The bottom line is that this conversation happened when we were lying in each other’s arms, him shirtless and me practically naked in my skimpy bikini. So outweighing our negative conversation was the fact that our bare skin was touching for the first time and it was pretty hot. At the end of our little talk, he went back to the pool, grabbed the only up-for-grabs rose in front of the girls, walked back, and gave it to me. I was safe for the week.

  Winning!

  Yeah, I know. I stole that from Charlie Sheen. The Two and a Half Men star had his breakdown in the months before I left for the show. So his favorite catchphrase was fresh in my brain during my ITMs, when I was trying to think of witty quips to say. Here’s the other thing about my “controversial” interviews: by the time we got to Utah the producers knew I was a loose cannon, especially after a glass of red wine. As time went on, and as it became clear that Ben liked me and I’d be sticking around for a while, I got pulled into confessionals and found myself trying to be a comedian on-camera, doling out increasingly outrageous insults.

  After the group date was over, I thought about my conversation with Ben. I was falling for him hard; we clearly had an intense connection. I decided I didn’t want to lose him and would try to make a better effort with the girls, even though I felt like a bomb was about to go off.

  At the cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony, I complimented Emily on her silvery dress and congratulated Jennifer on the rose she’d received on the other one-on-one date, even though she’d been pissy in general for the last few days. I felt like maybe we could have a breakthrough if I just turned on the charm. Ben walked in, looking so handsome, and made another amazing speech about how it was a difficult situation, but that he was so glad that we were all being open to the process. He made me smile.

  During my one-on-one time with Ben, which never made it on-air, I didn’t know that Emily was in a stairwell just outside the room we were in. She overheard Ben and I whispering sweet nothings to each other and kissing.

  During her one-on-one time, which did make it on-air, she then slammed me to Ben, saying I was different with him than them (she also said in an ITM that I was like a statue made of marble, beautiful but cold and hard on the inside). He was annoyed and totally shut her down. Few straight guys want to be pulled into a catfight between girls. Just ask any of the Real Housewives’ husbands. Emily knew she’d messed up, yet when she came back to the living room she picked the totally wrong person—Casey, my BFF—to commiserate with.

  “I hate that I jeopardized my time with him to talk about Courtney,” Emily whined.

  “She’s not a fake person,” Casey said, standing up for me.

  “Are you serious?” Emily shot back.

  “I think she’s one of the most genuine people here,” Casey insisted. “I love her. She’s awesome around me.”

  “She has no friends.”

  “Obviously that’s not true.”

  “All I’ve seen is a bitchy, cold, callous, rude demeanor,” Emily continued. “And then she’s sweet to Ben. She’s not sweet. She’s actually kind of mean.”

  “She’s sweet to people who are sweet to her,” Casey retorted. “Obviously we’re not going to see eye to eye on this.” Then she got up, walked away, and, of course, told me the whole conversation. I had steam coming out of my ears like Yosemite Sam I was so mad.

  It’s one thing for the girls to hate on me in the house, but another for Emily to assassinate my character directly to Ben. I could only take so much before I boiled over. Her biggest mistake was assuming I was a doormat, but I had a strong backbone, courtesy of my mother. “I want to rip her head off and verbally assault her,” I said in my ITM. I threw the show a bone on this one. Later I regretfully told Casey I wanted to shave Emily’s eyebrows off in the middle of the night. I was just kidding but I do wonder what Chris Harrison’s promo would say: “The most violent episode in Bachelor history!”

  * * *

  KEEPING IT REAL

  Reality vs. Realistic

  by Ashlee Frazier

  The one question that always comes up about The Bachelor is: “Is it real?” The truth is … yes. Are we asked the same question by producers in five million versions? Yes. Is it staged? No. Here are some key tips for future contestants:

  1.Say “hello” and “good morning.”

  2.Take a quick moment and review your seventh-grade English book. You’ll want to know when to properly use your prepositions, pronouns, and verbs.

  3.Do be aware of what you say. If you don’t say it, it can’t be used against you. I’d say by week three and four you’ve been in the house long enough to get comforta
ble and people’s true characters start to come out.

  Tips for future Bachelors and Bachelorettes:

  1.If you sleep with the contestant, you will be found out.

  2.In key moments, make sure to say the right person’s name.

  3.Refrain from making any contestant feel they are the One when you still aren’t sure yourself.

  * * *

  Knowing World War III was about to start, the producers gathered a bunch of us on the U-shaped couch, which was Kacie B’s cue to ask one of her silly Scruple questions.

  “How many of you have learned more about yourself in the past two weeks than in the past two years?” she said, raising her own hand first.

  A handful of girls raised their hands, too. I did not. Emily was first, which set me off. Should I have raised my hand like a good girl? Probably. But I was so furious about Emily’s gossiping I was itching for a fight. Kacie B was offended that I thought she asked a stupid question.

  “I think most people who have gone through this process would agree with you,” Emily said to Kacie B.

  I laughed at Emily.

  “What are you laughing at?” she sneered.

  “You,” I said calmly. “You know why. My guard’s up with you. You talked bad about me to Ben tonight.”

  “What are you talking about?” she lied.

  “I’m up on it.”

  “Courtney, we’re not in fifth grade. C’mon, let’s be adults.”

  After I told her that she was the one acting like a child, she again told me I had a personality disorder. Our fight was getting so ugly several of the other girls got up and walked away.