Love and Lists (Chocoholics)

by Tara Sivec

  “Okay, seriously, fucker. If you’re going to follow me, at least say something. All this staring is wigging me out,” Uncle Drew complains.

  The man says nothing, just continues to keep pace with Uncle Drew. When he speeds up, the Grim Reaper speeds up. When he slows down, the Grim Reaper slows down. When he walks in a circle around our group as we stop to admire some of the carved pumpkins, the Grim Reaper follows right behind him.

  At one point, Uncle Drew lifts his knee and holds his arms out to his side, touching his nose with each finger like he’s doing a sobriety test. The Grim Reaper follows right along. Uncle Drew decides he’s no longer just going to sit back and let this poor volunteer for the parks department get off easily. He hops like a rabbit for about two hundred yards and then sprints to the next haunted house.

  The Reaper follows, mimicking his movements.

  Eventually, Uncle Drew starts calling him Grimmy and invites the guy out for drinks after the walk but tells him he can only come along if he keeps the costume on.

  Grimmy never answers.

  I have to say, I’ve never seen a guy stay in character this well, especially with all the shit Uncle Drew is having him do. We go into a haunted house and the guy disappears into the woods. Then, a few minutes later, he’s right back next to Uncle Drew, following him like a puppy dog.

  And of course when we say something about that, Uncle Drew decides to crawl on all fours for a little while, barking every few feet.

  Grimmy copies.

  It takes about an hour to go through the entire Halloween Walk through the woods, so pretty soon, we’re all kind of attached to Grimmy. When we walk over a small wooden bridge and look down into the water to see all of the jack-o-lanterns they place on pedestals in the water, Grimmy lifts Josh up so he can see over the railing.

  When we come around a bend to see a graveyard setup on the hillside, Grimmy points out one of the big tombstones to Josh right before a ghost jumps out and tries to scare him. Josh walks right up to the ghost and kicks him in the shin.

  If we could see Grimmy’s face, I bet we would see him smile.

  We come around the last corner of the walk and can see people milling about at the end getting hot chocolate and hot apple cider from some of the vendors.

  Uncle Drew pats Grimmy on the back. “Well, Grimster, it’s been fun. I’d say it was nice to meet you, but you scared the future children I might have had out of my nut sack when we first met.”

  “Future children? Your balls are too old to have any more kids,” Dad laughs.

  “I’ll have you know that my sperm are in excellent condition and my balls are NOT old. I do NOT have old man balls. Honey, tell them.” Uncle Drew looks over at Aunt Jenny.

  “It’s true. He doesn’t have old man balls. They are still nice and soft and not wrinkly at all.”

  Grimmy puts his hand up over his masked eyes and shakes his head sadly.

  We all wave at the guy as he stands in place in the middle of the path, and we make our way out of the woods. Gavin and I walk over to one of the stands, and he gets me some hot apple cider.

  “I’m having a really hard time being with you tonight and not ripping every piece of clothing off of—”

  “What are you kids talking about?” Aunt Claire asks as she comes up next to us.

  “The weather.”

  “Astrophysics,” Gavin and I reply at the same time.

  Aunt Claire looks back and forth between us suspiciously.

  “The direct correlation to the earth’s atmosphere blending with the time space continuum to produce noxious gas on Mars,” I ramble.

  “Well, alright then. Have fun with that,” she replies, turning around and walking back over the picnic table where everyone is seated.

  “That was close. Nice save,” Gavin says quietly with a laugh as we follow behind her.

  “We need to be more careful or everyone’s going to find out,” I warn him as we walk.

  “Who cares? You broke up with Rocco, right? So it doesn’t matter.”

  ABORT! ABORT CONVERSATION!

  “I think I need to change my tampon.”

  “Oh look, a squirrel!” Gavin says, rushing away from me and taking a seat next to Uncle Carter at the picnic table.

  With a sigh, I take a seat across from him, next to Tyler and Josh. A man with a Metro Parks uniform walks up to our table and asks if we had a good time and enjoyed the walk.

  “I beat up Freddy Kruger and kicked a ghost. It was alright,” Josh replies with a shrug.

  “I have to tell ya, man, that Grim Reaper you got walking around the woods deserves a raise. That guy scared the holy hell out of me,” Uncle Drew tells him with a laugh.

  We all chuckle and then notice the park worker looking at Uncle Drew in confusion.

  “Grim Reaper? We don’t have a grim reaper employed with us this year, do you mean Frankenstein?” he asks.

  “Uh, no. I mean the Grim Reaper. Tall guy, wearing a black cloak that dragged on the ground and had a hood pulled around his face so you couldn’t see him. And he had that big sickle thing in his hand that he walked with,” Uncle Drew explains.

  “I’m sorry, sir, there is definitely no one of that description that works here this year.”

  We all look around at one another in confusion, no one wanting to admit just how creeped out we are. But I know there has to be a logical explanation.

  “It was probably just someone going on the walk like we were and he decided to have some fun with you,” I tell Uncle Drew.

  Once again, the park worker shakes his head.

  “I was at the front gate collecting tickets from everyone tonight, and there wasn’t anyone wearing a costume like that,” he says.

  The man talks to us for a few more minutes about the people that volunteer for the walk every year and how he’s known them since the walk first opened twenty years ago. He walks away and our table stays silent while everyone processes what he’d said.

  “Maybe he was a homeless guy or something. I bet he lives in the woods and just wanted to make some friends,” Aunt Jenny says wistfully.

  “Make some friends, yeah right. That guy wanted to ass rape me,” Uncle Drew complains.

  “Really, Drew? I’m surprised you noticed anything while you were humping trees and squatting over pumpkins so it looked like you were shitting them out.” Mom gets a disgusted look on her face as she remembers Uncle Drew’s actions in the woods.

  “Oh believe me, I could tell. There was something squirrely about him,” Uncle Drew says with a nod of his head.

  “Wait a minute. You thought he was a squirrel? I thought he was supposed to be the Grim Reaper?” Aunt Jenny says in confusion.

  Uncle Drew pats her hand. “No, baby. It’s just a figure of … never mind.”

  “I still say he’s homeless. It’s a doggy-dog world out there. Poor guy was probably just trying to make some money,” Aunt Jenny adds.

  Tyler looks at her in confusion. “Don’t you mean dog eat dog world?”

  “Jenny lives in the puppies and rainbows part of the globe,” Aunt Claire says with a laugh.

  “Is there really a place like that?” Aunt Jenny asks.

  “He told me what his name was,” Josh says nonchalantly.

  Uncle Drew looks across the table at Josh. “Dude, shut up. No he didn’t.”

  “YOU shut up. He totally did,” Josh argues, looking over his shoulder, back into the woods with a nervous look taking over his face.

  We all turn our heads and stare in silence toward the trail entrance.

  “What did he tell you his name was?” Aunt Claire asks quietly.

  Everyone leans closer to Josh, no one saying a word, waiting for him to speak.

  “He said …”

  Everyone holds their breath.

  “His name …”

  No one blinks.

  “Was …”

  My heart is beating out of my fucking chest and my knee is bouncing nervously under the table. I fe
el Gavin’s hand reach under the table and clutch my knee.

  “Death,” Josh whispers seriously.

  We all sit there staring at Josh with our mouths dropped, the silence permeating the air around us.

  “Holy shit,” Uncle Drew whispers.

  “I’m going to find security and tell them,” Dad says as he starts to get up from the bench.

  “I’ll come with you,” Uncle Carter states, doing the same.

  Josh scrambles off of the picnic table bench and starts laughing hysterically. “You guys are a bunch of sissies! He said his name is Bob and he was opposed to be dressed like a ghost but he got hot chocolate all over his costume and had to change!”

  Everyone lets out the breaths they’d been holding as Josh continues to laugh and taunt everyone.

  “Oh my God, we just got punked by a five-year-old,” Uncle Drew says with admiration in his voice.

  Well, after this fun-filled evening, telling Gavin about Rocco should be no big deal.

  “So, the plan is you’re going to just break up with me in front of Gavin? I don’t know if I like this,” Rocco complains as he stands in my living room.

  “You will do it and you will like it, or I will never go shoe shopping with you ever again!” I threaten.

  Rocco places his hand over his heart and pouts. “Now that’s just mean.”

  I am such a chickenshit. I should have told him when we got back to his apartment after the Halloween walk last night. Instead, I dragged him into the shower and gave him a blow job. Blow jobs equal love, right?

  My mom invited a few people over for dinner, so I figure this is the perfect time for a public break-up. I can just end things with Rocco, pretend like the list never happened, and we can all move on.

  “Charlotte, your mom needs help in the kitchen,” my dad says as he walks into the living room. He stops when he sees Rocco and glares at him.

  “Oh, no worries, Dad. I’d be glad to help Liz in the kitchen. I could even whip up a soufflé if there’s time,” Rocco tells him.

  “Seriously, dial down the gay a notch,” I whisper.

  “I mean, how ‘bout we grab us a few brewskies and see if there’s a fight on TV,” Rocco tells my dad in a deep voice.

  “How about I give you a five second head start before I get my shotgun,” he replies.

  “LIZ! Get your ass out here and help me carry these cupcakes,” Aunt Claire yells as she walks through the front door. “Oh … hi, guys. Jim, stop staring at that poor boy like you want to slit his throat. LIZ!”

  Mom comes rushing into the living room, wiping her hands on a towel. “What the fuck is your problem? Stop shouting already. Rocco, when did you get here? What are you doing here? Why is he here?”

  “I really think your family is going to be crushed when you break my heart,” Rocco whispers in my ear.

  The front door opens again and in walk Uncle Carter and Gavin, both of them smiling and laughing until they see Rocco standing next to me.

  Shit. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea.

  Rocco moves to stand behind me and clutches onto the back of my shirt. “Don’t let them hit me! I just had a facial!” he whispers frantically.

  “What’s he doing here?” Gavin demands.

  “Want to go help me clean my gun?” Dad asks him.

  Aunt Claire smacks my dad on the arm.

  Oh my God, Gavin looks pissed. He has every right to look pissed. I kind of sort of alluded to the fact that I was breaking up with Rocco a few weeks ago and haven’t mentioned him once since Gavin and I started fooling around. This is bad. Very bad.

  I quickly turn around to face Rocco. “Rocco, I’m breaking up with you.”

  “WHAT?! NOOOOOOOO!” Rocco screams. “Baby, please don’t leave me!”

  I widen my eyes at him and scowl. “Nope. It’s over. I don’t love you. I’ve never loved you. You should just go now.”

  “OH MY GOD MY LIFE IS OVER!” Rocco wails, throwing his arms around me and sobbing into my shoulder.

  “OVER. ACTING,” I say through clenched teeth.

  He quickly pulls back and puffs out his chest. “Whatev, babe. It’s cool.”

  With that, he walks around me and heads to the door, passing Ava as she comes in with Tyler.

  “Oooooh, cute shoes!” Rocco says before walking out, the door slamming closed behind him.

  “So, who’s hungry? I’m starving!” I announce to the room as they all stand there staring at me.

  “Hey, Charlotte, what’s with this list I found on your desk?” Molly asks, walking into the room from the back hallway. “Show him your cleavage, make him change your tire, have him lick chocolate off of you …”

  Molly trails off when she finally looks up and sees me staring at her in horror. Gavin walks past me and right up to Molly, snatching the piece of paper out of her hands reading through it. As his eyes widen in what I assume to be horror while he scans the list, I seriously contemplate turning and running out of the house. Maybe leaving the country and changing my name.

  “Gavin, I can explain,” I tell him softly, trying not to cry.

  Gavin doesn’t say anything as he continues reading.

  Tyler walks across the room and glances over Gavin’s shoulder. “Ooooh, that’s a good one. Take him to a sporting event and act like you know what’s going on. He would have totally fallen for that.”

  Gavin puts his hand over his mouth, and I’m wondering if it’s going to be the mustard episode all over again and he’s going to start gagging. I see his shoulders start to shake and suddenly realize he’s laughing. He’s fucking laughing at my list.

  “What the hell is so funny?” I demand.

  I don’t care if I’m in the wrong here. He’s laughing at my misguided attempt to get him to fall in love with me. It’s really not a laughing matter.

  Gavin moves his hand away and laughs out loud. “Tyler, I think you should tell her what’s so funny.”

  “Holy fuck, it’s about time,” Tyler complains, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a folded up piece of notebook paper, handing it over to me.

  I stare at it in confusion for a few seconds before Gavin speaks through his laughs. “You really need to open that.”

  With a sigh, I unfold the paper and scan the words written in Tyler’s messy handwriting. I really don’t need to read everything; the title at the top of the page pretty much says it all.

  “Oh my God,” I mutter.

  Gavin comes up to me and places both of his hands on my cheeks, pulling my head up so he can look into my eyes. “I’m not crazy, right? This means you love me?”

  I laugh and shake my head at him. “You idiot. Of course I love you. I loved you even when you were mutilating my Barbies and calling me a labia. I’m pretty sure giving you my virginity should have been clue number one.”

  Too late, I realize we’re not alone in this room.

  “Gavin, I love you like a son, but right now I want to punch you in your face,” Dad tells him.

  “Can you wait to kick my ass until after I kiss your daughter, please?” Gavin begs him.

  “Fine. You’ve got ten seconds. And then I’m ripping off your dick and giving you your own labia,” Dad threatens, crossing his arms over his chest.

  Gavin doesn’t waste any of those ten seconds. He swoops down and presses his lips to mine.

  “Oh my God, I’m totally going to cry. Liz, get me a tissue,” Aunt Claire says.

  “Get your own fucking tissue, you whore,” Mom sniffles.

  “I’m still wearing the blue dress to the wedding,” Aunt Claire tells her as I wrap my arms around Carter’s neck.

  “We are going to throw down right the fuck now. Jim, get the Fight Club DVD. This is totally happening,” Mom states.

  “I’m going to punch you right in the ovaries.”

  “Yeah, well I’m going to be the first one to walk down the aisle, so you’re going to look like a dick when you waltz down in your subpar blue dress.”

  �
�I’m going to make you wear a suck-for-a-buck shirt at her bachelorette party.”

  “Oh no you DIDN’T just say that to me!”

  “Oh yeah, that JUST happened!”

  “Their first born is going to be named after me.”

  “Your name is bullshit.”

  “YOU’RE BULLSHIT!”

  Breaking the kiss, I pull back and look at Gavin.

  “Are you sure about this? I don’t know if our families are going to survive,” I tell him softly with a smile.

  “Jim, get me the basket of dinner rolls from the kitchen. There are twelve with Claire’s face written all over them.”

  “Carter, get me the mashed potatoes and turn on the ceiling fan. This bitch is going down.”

  Gavin laughs and shakes his head. “Love and lists. Just remember, love and lists. Nothing else matters.”

  Pulling Gavin’s mouth back down to mine, I forget all about the chaos surrounding us and just enjoy the moment.

  “Alright, that’s enough. Break it up. I’ve got a face to beat up,” my dad announces.

  Gavin looks over my shoulder and his smile instantly falls. “Oh shit. He’s serious.”

  “Run, Virginityman, run!” Tyler shouts.

  Hand in hand with Charlotte, we walk around to the back of her parents’ house. It’s no longer her house anymore since she moved into my apartment last week.

  Can I get a round of applause, folks?! Or maybe just a “FUCK YEAH!”?

  “This is so weird. Just a few months ago I was making this same walk with Tyler, giving myself a pep talk about my list,” I tell Charlotte with a laugh.

  “Yeah, well I was inside the house at that same time freaking out about whether or not Rocco was going to be convincing as my boyfriend,” she replies.

  “I’m so glad I never killed him. He has great taste in shoes.” I look down at her platform wedges that make her long legs look fucking hot.

  “Don’t even think about it, Gavin. We are not sneaking off into the bushes to have sex at my parents’ house,” Charlotte warns me as I continue to stare at her legs while we walk.

  “That’s probably a wise decision since I’m pretty sure my puke is still in those bushes.”

  Once Charlotte finally came clean that she and Rocco were never really dating, he and I actually became good friends. I’ve had to put him in his place a few times when he makes comments about my great ass, but all in all, having a gay dude as a friend is pretty awesome. I pretend like I never hated him or wished that a rabid infestation of crabs would chew off his dick, and he takes me shopping to pick out sexy shoes and lingerie for Charlotte. It’s perfect.