by Sandy Taylor
‘I’ve been run off my feet,’ I said quickly.
‘That’s what I thought. Here, wrap this around you,’ he said, handing me a blanket.
I tucked the blanket around my knees. ‘Thanks.’
‘You’re welcome. There’s a fierce wind coming in off the sea, I thought you’d need it.’
We started down the hill. Things had always been so easy between us but I couldn’t think of one thing to say. My heart was heavy and my head was all over the place. It was cold, alright, as Blue trotted along the strand road. The wind had ruffled the water into white peaks that topped the waves like little hats.
‘Are you tired, Cissy, or is there something on your mind?’ said Colm.
I didn’t answer.
‘So there’s something on your mind, then? And is that why you’ve been avoiding me?’
I could feel my eyes starting to fill with tears. ‘Oh, Colm,’ I said.
Colm eased Blue to a stop by the lighthouse. ‘Are you going to tell me what it is,’ he asked, turning to face me, ‘or do I have to guess?’
‘I don’t know how.’
‘Maybe I can help,’ he said. ‘Would it have something to do with a certain kiss?’
I nodded.
‘Regrets?’
I didn’t want to hurt him, I didn’t, but I was in love with someone else and I mustn’t lead him on. He had to know that sweet as the kiss had been, it couldn’t lead anywhere.
‘Some,’ I said softly.
He was quiet for a while and then he said, ‘You’re letting me down very gently, Cissy, and there’s no need. You can be as honest as you like, because you see I’d rather know where I stand.’
‘I’m sorry, Colm.’
‘So am I, Cissy, so am I. I thought that maybe…’ He shook his head. ‘But it seems it’s not to be. Am I right?’
‘Will we still be friends?’
‘Always,’ he said, picking up the reins. ‘So let’s say no more about it.’
I knew I’d hurt him, I could tell by the way he spoke, but at least now he knew and he could maybe find a nice girl who would love him like he deserved to be loved. I looked at his lovely face. Yes, of course some girl was going to come along for him and wasn’t that what I wanted? Of course it was and yet the thought of him kissing someone else made me feel sort of empty inside.
He dropped me off outside the cottage and as I watched him and Blue going up the alley, I suddenly felt as if I’d lost something precious and I had the urge to run after him and say I’d been wrong.
The mammy was sitting next to the fire on a couch that I’d never seen before.
‘Where did that come from?’ I said.
‘Didn’t Mr Collins and meself take a trip to Cork city and buy it.’
‘You went to Cork city with Mr Collins?’
‘I did.’
‘It’s lovely, Mammy.’
‘It is, isn’t it?’ she said, stroking the seat. ‘Come and sit beside me and try it out.’
I walked across to her and sat down: the couch felt soft and comfortable.
‘What do you think?’
‘I think it’s gorgeous altogether.’
‘And there’s a new bed upstairs for you. It’s a wonder your granddaddy’s bed didn’t walk out of the cottage of its own accord.’
‘What’s it like?’
‘Go upstairs and look.’
‘Not the bed, Mammy! Cork city, what’s it like?’
‘Oh, it’s a wonderful place, Cissy. Meself and Mr Collins walked along beside the River Lee and watched the big boats coming in from England. The quayside was full of people welcoming their loved ones back to Ireland, it brought a tear to me eye.’
‘You like Mr Collins, don’t you?’
‘I do, he’s a good man.’
‘Do you like him as much as you liked my father?’
Mammy gazed into the fire. ‘I knew very little of life beyond this town when I met Stefan. He was so different from the clodhopping eejits I usually came across, he even looked different. We talked about everything. He told me about his homeland; he described the forests and the mountains and the little wooden house he grew up in so clearly that I felt as if I was there. And oh, we laughed, Cissy. His English was good but he didn’t always understand my Irish humour. For a very short, wonderful time he opened a door to a world beyond the boundaries of Ballybun and when he was gone, it seemed a very dull place indeed.’
‘I’m sorry, Mammy.’
‘Nothing to be sorry about. I have you and I have my memories.’
I could see that she didn’t want to talk about it any more. She stood up and put some peat on the fire. ‘Anyway, you must ask Colm to take you to Cork one day.’
‘I don’t think Colm is going to be taking me anywhere ever again, Mammy,’ I said sadly.
‘Sure, you haven’t fallen out with him, have you?’
‘It was my fault.’
‘Has he taken up with Alana Welsh again? Is that what’s wrong?’
‘No, it’s not that.’
‘Are you going to tell me or am I to prise it out of you?’
‘He kissed me – well, I kissed him first – in the woods while we were gathering the holly.’
‘And you didn’t like it?’
‘Oh, I liked it, alright.’
‘So what’s this all about then?’
‘I kissed another boy, after I’d kissed Colm.’
‘You’ve been very busy with the kissing, Cissy.’
‘I suppose I have.’
‘And did you like kissing this other boy better?’
‘I did.’
‘And have you told Colm?’
‘I told him just now.’
‘Well, at least you’ve been honest, it would be cruel to keep a lad like Colm hanging on.’
‘That’s why I told him… but… but now I don’t feel so good about it.’
‘And are you going to tell me who this other feller is that has taken up residence in your heart?’
‘He’s just a lad from the Hall.’
‘And does this lad from the Hall have a name?’
My mind had gone blank. For God’s sake, I must be able to think of one feller’s name. I looked around the room and my eyes rested on the picture of Saint Anthony.
‘His name’s Anthony,’ I said, knowing I’d have to go to confession and tell Father Kelly that I’d lied to the mammy. It was a blessing that he had to abide by the seal of confession or I’d be in deep trouble.
‘That’s a good strong name, Cissy. And you can take comfort in the knowledge that he’ll never lose you, for he’s the Saint of Lost Things. Not that I set much store by stuff like that,’ she added quickly.
In the afternoon, the pair of us took Buddy for a walk along the river. He tore away on his sturdy little legs.
‘Is the River Lee better than our own Blackwater?’ I asked.
‘Not better exactly, but definitely more exciting, there’s more going on. I expect if I saw it every day it would lose its appeal. I hope that’s not what’s happening with you and Colm?’
‘Maybe it is and maybe I’m making the worst mistake of my life but I can’t help what my heart is telling me to do.’
Mammy smiled and put her arm around my shoulder. ‘Sometimes, out of our worst mistakes come our greatest joy.’
‘Can I bring Annie home on Christmas Eve?’ I asked as we walked back to the cottage. ‘She has no home of her own and she’ll be stuck at the Hall.’
‘Of course you can and she’s very welcome. I’ll ask Mr Collins to bring a fine chicken and we’ll make a night of it.’
‘Thanks, she’ll be delighted.’
‘And you’ll have to introduce me to this lad of yours, Cissy.’
Now what was I supposed to say to that?
Chapter Thirty
‘As if Christmas isn’t stressful enough, we have a ball on our hands,’ said Mrs Hickey, rolling up her sleeves to reveal arms that looked more like a wrestle
r’s than a cook’s. ‘Are all the rooms ready for the guests, Cissy?’
‘We have two more to do but we’re waiting for clean linen.’
‘Those village girls are desperate lazy little madams! They talk and giggle more than they work. You’d think they’d be glad of the money. If they don’t buck up soon, I shall be threatening to speak to their mammies.’
Just then there was a tap at the kitchen door.
‘Get that, Cissy. It’ll be Colm with the milk.’
Even though I’d hurt him, Colm had still brought me back to Bretton Hall after my day off, but things had remained awkward and it was a silent little journey.
‘Do I have to, Mrs Hickey?’
‘Now what’s wrong? Have you had a falling-out?’
‘Not exactly.’
Mrs Hickey raised her eyes to the ceiling. ‘As if I haven’t got enough to do! Alright, go and see if those sheets are ready.’
‘Thanks, Mrs Hickey,’ I said.
As I made my way to the laundry room I felt so muddled in my head about everything. I strode into the room and demanded the clean linen.
‘Jesus, Cissy!’ said Geraldine Toomey, a young girl from the village. ‘Keep hold of yer hair! Bridie’s already been in for it.’
‘Sorry, Gerry, I’ve things on me mind. I didn’t mean to yell at you.’
‘Well, as it’s Christmas Eve I’ll forgive you,’ she said, grinning.
I returned her grin. ‘Thanks.’
The whole day was madness and we were all running round like headless chickens, polishing silver, washing glasses until they were gleaming, lighting fires, laying fresh towels in all the rooms and eating on the run. There was enough food to feed an army and it was still coming in. Greengrocers were bringing boxes of vegetables, butchers’ boys were delivering the meat. Succulent hams, sides of beef, pork, goose and turkey filled the pantry shelves ready for the oven. By the end of the day, we were dead on our feet and Mrs Hickey looked as though she was about to be carted off to the hospital with exhaustion. I’d worked with this woman for nearly two years and yet I knew nothing about her. I didn’t know if she had a family, or a home of her own, I didn’t know how long she’d been at Bretton Hall or what she’d done before she came here.
‘I’m not doing another thing,’ she said, collapsing into her chair. ‘If it’s not done now, it won’t be done.’
She was the same every year but part of me thought she actually enjoyed it all. She was queen of the kitchen and that’s the way she liked it. God help anyone who was daft enough to interfere.
I still hadn’t told Annie that she was coming home with me that night. I hoped that she would like the idea, maybe I shouldn’t have just assumed that she would.
‘Mind you’re both back good and early in the morning,’ said Mrs Hickey, when I told her, ‘or I’ll be coming into town to fetch you.’
I laughed, thinking of Mrs Hickey marching down Paradise Alley and hauling us out of bed.
‘Don’t worry, Mrs Hickey, I promise we’ll be back on time.’
‘It’s good of you to think of her, Cissy.’
‘We’ll enjoy having her.’
I hadn’t been alone with Peter since we had last kissed. I longed to be in his arms again, but after the scene with Baggy Knickers I knew we must be even more careful than usual. I knew it was wrong, but I had to see him – I had to.
I washed up a couple of cups that were on the side, then ran upstairs to the bedroom. Annie was sitting on the side of the bed, rubbing her feet. ‘They’re killing me,’ she said. ‘I’ve decided I hate Christmas.’
‘I’m sure you don’t mean that, Annie.’
‘I do, what have I got to look forward to? At least you’re getting away from here for a few hours.’
I sat down next to her and put my arm around her thin shoulders. ‘Would you like to come with me?’
‘What, home? To your house?’
I nodded. ‘If you’d like to.’
Her eyes filled with tears and I felt so guilty. I should have thought of this before. I was a selfish girl, alright.
‘Oh, Cissy, I’d love to,’ she said, putting her arms around me. ‘Are you sure it’s alright with your mammy?’
‘She’ll be delighted to have you, Annie.’
‘I was just about to go to bed but now I’m not tired at all.’
I smiled at this young girl, who didn’t have anyone to love her and no home of her own. ‘We’ll have a great time. Now get yourself dressed. I don’t know about you but I can’t wait to get away.’
Mrs Hickey was snoring her head off as we tiptoed past and escaped out the back door. I was caught up in Annie’s excitement and we were giggling as we ran down the drive. I could see Colm waiting at the gates. I was glad that I wasn’t alone, it would make things easier.
‘Well, you two sound on fine form,’ said Colm, as he helped Annie up onto the cart.
‘We couldn’t wait to get away,’ I said.
‘Cissy invited me home for the night,’ said Annie, her face alight with excitement.
Colm smiled at her. ‘Then we’d best get you there,’ he said, giving her a blanket. ‘Wrap yourselves up in that, girls, it’s a chilly old evening.’
We were soon going under the stone archway that led into Paradise Alley. Colm took my hand as I climbed down from the cart. ‘I’ll fetch you in the morning, Cissy,’ he said.
Mammy and Buddy were at the door as if they’d been waiting for us. ‘Welcome home, girls,’ said Mammy. ‘Come in out of the cold. Thank you for bringing them home, Colm.’
‘You're welcome, Mrs Ryan.’
‘Will you come in?’
‘I have my dinner waiting for me up at the house, Mrs Ryan, but thank you for your offer.’
Buddy was jumping all over me, clawing at my legs for attention. I knelt down and ruffled his ears and he pushed his wet nose into my hand.
‘Ah, he’s lovely, Cissy,’ said Annie. ‘Will he let me give him a stroke?’
‘He will of course, he loves the attention.’
Buddy was delighted as Annie knelt beside me and stroked his tummy.
‘You’ll have him ruined between you,’ said Mammy, smiling.
‘He deserves it,’ I said. ‘Don’t you, boy? You deserve to be spoilt because you’re the best little dog in Ballybun.’
‘I wish I had a dog, Cissy,’ Annie sighed.
‘Maybe one day you will, Annie,’ said Mammy, smiling at her.
‘I don’t think so, Mrs Ryan,’ she said sadly.
‘Never say never,’ said Mammy. ‘Now take off your shawl and make yourself at home.’
There was a grand fire burning in the hearth and the little room was lovely and warm. In front of the window was a little Christmas tree, and the smell of pine mingled with the aroma of peat and roasting chicken. I could feel the tension of the past week leaving my body as the little cottage wrapped itself around me like a pair of warm arms.
‘It’s all so lovely,’ said Annie, looking round.
‘The new couch helps,’ said Mammy.
The couch was indeed lovely but I missed the granddaddy sitting in his old chair by the fireside. I wished with all my heart that he was here with us on this Christmas Eve.
That night as I lay in bed with Annie beside me and Buddy at my feet, I thought about the holly and berries that Mammy had draped across the branches of the little Christmas tree. I remembered the day that me and Colm had gathered it and how we had kissed and how much I missed the way we used to be, before the Honourable Peter Bretton came into my life.
Chapter Thirty-One
I felt as if I’d hardly slept when Mammy gently nudged me and said it was time to get up. Annie was snoring softly beside me, her mouth slightly open. She looked so peaceful lying there that I didn’t want to wake her but Colm would soon be here and we had to get back to the Hall early.
Mammy had lit the fire so that it was nice and warm in the little room as we sat down at the table.
&nb
sp; ‘Did you sleep well, Annie?’ asked Mammy, putting two bowls of hot porridge in front of us.
‘I did, Mrs Ryan,’ said Annie, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. ‘That’s a mighty comfortable bed you have up there, I didn’t want to leave it.’
‘I’m glad,’ said Mammy, putting two parcels down in front of us.
Annie looked wide-eyed. ‘For me?’ she said.
‘Happy Christmas, Annie,’ said Mammy, smiling at her.
‘Oh, and a happy Christmas to you, Mrs Ryan.’
I stood up and hugged my mammy; I was so touched that she hadn’t left Annie out. ‘Happy Christmas,’ I said.
‘Happy Christmas, my love.’
Inside the parcel was a blue knitted scarf and a pair of gloves. Annie had the same but hers were red.
I could see Annie’s eyes filling with tears. ‘Thank you, Mrs Ryan, they’re gorgeous altogether.’
‘You are very welcome. Now eat up, Colm will be here in a minute.’
We had on our coats and our new scarves and gloves by the time Colm pulled up outside the cottage.
I kissed Mammy goodbye. ‘You won’t be alone today, will you?’ I said.
‘No, I shall be spending this day with Mr Collins.’
‘Wish him a happy Christmas from me, won’t you.’
‘I will, of course.’
Me and Annie climbed up into the cart and Buddy jumped up behind us.
‘Did you have a nice time, Annie?’ said Colm, as Blue trotted through the town.
‘Oh, I had a wonderful time and look what Mrs Ryan gave me,’ she said, showing him the red scarf and gloves.
‘They look grand and warm, Annie.’
I was thankful again that I wasn’t alone with Colm. It was easier with Annie there, and she chatted all the way back to the Hall.
When we stopped at the end of the drive, Colm helped Annie down. ‘You go on,’ he said. ‘Cissy will be up in a minute.’
‘Alright, happy Christmas, Colm, and thanks for the spin.’
‘You’re welcome, Annie.’
I didn’t know why Colm had sent Annie off on her own and I could feel my tummy going into knots. I dreaded hearing what he had to say.
‘Don’t look so worried,’ he said, reaching into the cart and handing me a parcel. ‘It’s not much, but I thought it might please you. Happy Christmas, Cissy.’