by Sandy Taylor
I leaned against him and felt the safety I always felt when I was in his arms. ‘Happy Christmas, Colm,’ I said.
I opened the kitchen door and felt like I’d walked into the Fires of Hell. The kitchen was filled with steam. Mrs Hickey’s face was shiny with sweat and her hair was sticking up on her head.
‘Happy Christmas, Mrs Hickey,’ I said, as I ran past her and upstairs to change into my uniform.
‘Don’t be long, Cissy, we’ve a ton of work to do,’ she called after me.
Annie was stuffing her hair under her cap as I went into the bedroom.
‘She’s already yelling at me, Cissy,’ she said. ‘I’ll be glad to see the end of this day.’
‘Cheer up, we’ve got the servants’ party to look forward to later.’
‘If I’m still able to stand.’
‘Come on, best foot forward, we can do this.’
‘Alright, Cissy,’ she said, grinning.
The morning flew past. Bridie was already lighting the fires in the bedrooms so I went downstairs to do the same in the drawing room and hall.
Once breakfast was over, we collected the dirty crockery from upstairs to pile in the sink for poor Annie to wash up, then we all had a much-needed cup of tea before starting on the dinner.
Serving dishes filled with meats, vegetables and gravy were carried upstairs by the hired staff, who were brought in to wait on table. Once the main meal was over, plum puddings and sweetmeats were added to the menu. Compliments were sent down to Mrs Hickey, who could at last relax in her chair while the rest of us washed and dried the dishes.
In the afternoon, I went outside for some fresh air. It was chilly but there was no wind, so I followed the path down to the beach and walked along by the water’s edge. I loved it down here. However sad or worried I was, this place calmed me, making my troubles seem somehow less important against the vastness of it all. I hadn’t seen Peter all day but I hoped that I would see him that evening. Every time he came into my mind so did Colm, I couldn’t seem to think of one without thinking of the other. Peter made my heart race with longing but when I thought of Colm I felt a sadness for all he had been to me and for a love that refused to go away.
As the time for the ball grew closer, carriages and cars were pulling up outside the front door and young ladies and their maids were stepping down onto the drive.
Me and Bridie helped carry cases up to their rooms. Some of them thanked us but mostly, they just chatted and giggled as if we were invisible. The maids unpacked for them, laying beautiful gowns on the beds for them to change into. It was a different world to the one I lived in, full of excitement and glamour and lovely clothes and people at hand to do your every bidding. I thought of Annie and I wondered if these young women ever thought of the people who waited on them, or what their lives were like. I don’t suppose they did.
Bridie and I were serving drinks as the guests arrived. A band was playing at the far end of the room and candles were burning on every surface. The girls seemed to have congregated at one end of the ballroom and the young men at the other. Once a few drinks were consumed, the men relaxed enough to venture to the other side of the room and ask their chosen girls to dance. I watched as they floated past me in their beautiful dresses, their eyes sparkling with happiness as they were whirled around the room.
Bridie had said that this was called the ‘season’, where young men and young women from good families were invited to balls all around the country in the hope of finding suitable husbands and wives. I felt sick when I thought of Peter falling in love with someone of his own class and leaving me behind. I wasn’t silly, I knew it was going to happen – I just didn’t know when.
Caroline entered the room with a posse of girls behind her. She was the belle of the ball and she knew it. She outshone every other girl in the room. Caroline Bretton was indeed beautiful and I’d never seen her more beautiful than she looked that night. I held tight to my tray of glasses for fear she would knock them out of my hands again. She might be beautiful on the outside but she was a holy terror on the inside. Pretty soon she had a crowd of young men around her, all eager to take her in their arms. I almost felt sorry for them because in Miss Baggy Knickers’s case, beauty really was only skin deep.
I was nearly out of drinks so I went over to the bar to get some more and that’s when I saw Peter. He walked into the room with his arm around a girl’s shoulder. She was pretty and petite, all bouncing curls and smiles. She was gazing adoringly up at him, her head thrown back in laughter at something he’d said. I shouldn’t have been surprised, I knew it was going to happen. This was his world and this was the kind of girl that he would one day marry; the kind of girl that his parents would approve of. I felt awful and wanted to run out of the room but I had to stay and serve the drinks. After all, I was a servant and I had no right to be thinking that Master Peter would ever marry me.
Chapter Thirty-Two
It seemed like forever before I was allowed to go and get ready for our own little party down in the kitchen.
‘Thank God for that,’ said Bridie, ‘another bloody Christmas over!’
‘Will you be at the party?’
‘No, I’ll be in my bed.’
‘Ah, Bridie, just come down for an hour.’
‘No. I’ve been missing my bed ever since I crawled out of it this morning and that’s where I’m going.’
‘Well, have a nice rest.’
‘I intend to,’ she said, laughing.
‘Can I borrow your ribbon again?’ asked Annie when I went into the bedroom.
‘No, sorry,’ I said. ‘I thought I’d wear it myself.’
Annie looked flustered. ‘Oh, of course, Cissy, of course you must.’
‘Besides,’ I said, handing her a little bag, ‘I thought you might prefer this one.’
Annie looked at the pale pink velvet ribbon and threw her arms around me. ‘Oh, thank you, Cissy, thank you,’ she said. ‘It’s gorgeous altogether.’
‘I’m glad you like it, Annie.’
‘I love it.’
Once she was ready, I tied the pretty ribbon into her hair. ‘You look beautiful,’ I told her.
‘Are you coming down, Cissy?’
‘You go, I’ll be down in a minute.’
I opened the drawer and took out the parcel that Colm had given to me. I knew it was a book by the feel of it. I removed the paper carefully, folded it and put it back in the drawer. The book was called Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. I opened the first page and inside it said: To dearest Ellen, Happy Christmas, with all our love Mammy and Daddy x and written underneath was: To dearest Cissy, Happy Christmas with all my love Colm.
I lay down on my bed and held the little book close to my heart. I didn’t feel like going to the party, I didn’t feel like being with people and pretending to be jolly when I didn’t feel jolly at all. I could feel my eyes getting heavy. Maybe I’d sleep for a while and go down later. I closed my eyes and saw Peter’s face as he looked down at the young girl earlier on this evening.
I was shivering when I woke up. I had no idea how long I’d slept, it could have been the middle of the night for all I knew. I stood up and stretched. I needed to be with people, I’d go mad if I stayed here on my own, thinking of Peter with his arms around the pretty girl. I splashed some water on my face, put on my best dress and went downstairs. The party was in full swing. Someone was playing on a fiddle, another boy was on the bodhrán; everyone was having a grand time. I spotted Annie being whirled round the room by one of the grooms. She waved to me and I smiled. I was glad she was enjoying herself, she deserved to let her hair down on this Christmas night. I poured myself a glass of orange and stood by the kitchen door, watching the dancers. I didn’t want to join them but it was nice to see everyone having a grand time, I was glad I’d come down. This was where I belonged, among my own kind, where I could call my granddaddy ‘Granddaddy’ without being told I was common and I could go out with a boy and not have to hide it fro
m the world.
The kitchen was hot at the best of times but with so many people crammed into the small space, it was boiling. The heat and the music and the noise were beginning to make me feel dizzy, I needed to get some air. I fetched my shawl and went outside. There was a couple leaning against the wall with their arms around each other and as I grew accustomed to the darkness, I could see other couples in the shadows doing the same. Well, good luck to them and long may they enjoy each other.
I walked away from the house and leaned against the woodshed. The sky was completely black and full of stars, twinkling over my head like a blanket of diamonds and although I was freezing cold and full of worries, I couldn’t help but think how beautiful it was.
‘So there you are!’ Peter was standing in front of me, swaying slightly. I could tell that he was drunk. ‘I’ve been looking all over for you,’ he said.
‘Why aren’t you at the ball with your own kind? What are you doing here?’
His words were slurred as he said, ‘Come on, be kind to me. I was bored, I needed to find my little Cissy.’
‘Well, you’ve found me, now I think you should go back to your little girlfriend, Peter.’
It looked as if he was finding it hard to focus on my face. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘I'm talking about the girl you had on your arm.’
He laughed. ‘I’ve had lots of girls on my arm this evening, how am I expected to know which one you are referring to? Let’s not fight, Cissy, you know that you are the only girl for me.’
I wanted to believe him. ‘Am I?’ I said.
He came closer. I could smell the drink on his breath, not like the smell of the Guinness on Granddaddy’s breath, but a sweet smell. ‘I love you, Cissy. And I want you,’ he said.
He’d said I love you, he’d never said that before. I should have been happy but I couldn’t be sure that it wasn’t the drink talking. I took a deep breath. ‘Well, you can’t have me, Peter Bretton, so there.’
‘Cissy, it’s freezing.’ Peter pushed open the shed door. ‘It’ll be warmer in here.’
‘Do you really think that I’m such an eejit that I’d go in there with you when you’re drunk?’
‘Oh, come on, Cissy, it’s Christmas.’
‘Yes, Peter, the day of our Lord’s birth, not the day to be canoodling in the woodshed.’
We could hear the sound of laughter as someone approached and Peter almost pushed me into the shed. I listened as the laughter died away. ‘I think they’ve gone,’ I said, moving towards the door.
Peter pulled me back. ‘Can’t we stay awhile? I need you, Cissy.’
‘No, you don’t, you just need someone to tell you how wonderful you are and how irresistible you are and…’
I didn’t finish the sentence because Peter’s lips were on mine, hard and urgent and he was breathing very fast. I could have pushed him away, or brought my knee up under him, as Mary said I should do if someone was taking liberties but I didn’t. I couldn’t, because I was feeling that same thing that I had told her about, that thing that only someone blowsy should feel. Instead, I allowed myself to be swept away by him. Maybe he did love me, maybe he really did. He put his hand over my mouth as I cried out with the pain but I didn’t want him to stop, I didn’t want him to ever stop. Something so wonderful couldn’t be wrong, it couldn’t.
Afterwards, he held me gently in his arms. ‘That wasn’t such an ordeal, was it?’ he said, kissing my forehead.
I didn’t answer him.
‘Oh, Cissy, I’m going to be sick,’ he said, rushing for the door.
I could hear him retching outside. And then it hit me. What had I done? I felt as dirty as the logs that had been digging into my back. I’d broken my promise to Mammy and what would the granddaddy think if he was looking down on me? I was going straight to hell. I couldn’t even confess my sin to Father Kelly because I would be too ashamed to tell him what I’d done: I deserved no forgiveness.
I walked outside. Peter had gone; he’d just left me there. The smell of vomit made me feel queasy. I wrapped my arms around myself and tucked my chin down. I stepped carefully over the mess and walked back towards the house, staying close to the shadows in case I was seen. Doing what we’d just done was supposed to be such a big thing, but it didn’t feel big to me now. It felt small and dirty and insignificant. That’s what I felt, humiliated and ashamed and angry, not just with Peter but with myself. Peter had enchanted me with his big blue eyes and talk of poetry and now the spell was broken. I realised the only person in the world I wanted was Colm. I wanted to be in his arms, I wanted to feel clean again and safe and loved. How was I ever going to be able to face him now?
Chapter Thirty-Three
I’d only seen Peter in passing since that awful night and I was glad. I was ashamed of what we had done, but much as I regretted it, it had somehow freed me. I didn’t want to see him any more, I didn’t even want to work at Bretton Hall any more. I was going to ask Mary if there were any jobs going at the hotel. I could live at home again and see Mary in the evenings and spend time with Colm. I felt as if there was a future for me away from this place, maybe even a future with Colm. I found myself smiling just thinking about it.
On my next day off, I was surprised to see Mr Collins waiting for me at the end of the drive. He jumped down from the cart as I approached. He was wearing a thick dark coat and he was rubbing his hands together and stamping his feet.
‘Where’s Colm and Blue?’ I asked.
‘Blue has taken a bit of a turn and Colm won’t leave him.’
‘What’s wrong?’
‘We’re not sure. His belly is swollen and he’s awful restless. Colm’s out of his mind with worry.’
I knew how much Colm loved that horse and how devastated he would be if anything happened to him. ‘Well, it was good of you to come in his place, Mr Collins, but I’m sure I could have managed.’
‘It would have been a long cold walk on a night like this and Colm didn’t want you walking home alone in the dark, so I said I’d get you.’
‘Well, thanks, it was kind.’
‘You’re welcome, Cissy.’
‘Can I come up to the house and see Blue?’ I asked.
‘I’m sure that will be fine. Colm’s father is with him and he knows a thing or two about horses, I’m happier knowing he’s not alone.’
We were soon going under the stone archway into Paradise Alley. We stopped outside the cottage. ‘Come up when you like, Cissy,’ said Mr Collins, helping me down. ‘I’m sure Colm will be glad to see you.’
I wasn’t so sure about that but I hoped he wouldn’t mind if I went up to see Blue.
Mammy was at the door, as if she’d been waiting for me. ‘Come in out of the cold, Cissy.’
‘Where’s Buddy?’ I said, expecting the little dog to be jumping up at me.
‘He’s up at the Doyles’. I imagine you’ve been told about Blue.’
‘It’s a worry alright, I said I’d go up and see them.’
‘I think you should,’ agreed Mammy.
There was a grand fire burning in the hearth and the room was lovely and warm, and cosy, with its little Christmas tree, and the green folliage draped over the mantle.
‘The tree is so pretty, I haven’t the mind to take it down,’ said Mammy.
‘You’ve a few days left until Twelfth Night,’ I said.
‘That’s grand then.’
Mr Collins joined us for dinner.
‘How’s Blue?’ I said.
‘Not great, I’m afraid.’
I didn’t feel a bit like eating the delicious dinner that Mammy had made. I was worried about Blue and I was worried about Colm.
‘Do you mind if I go up to Colm’s, now?’ I said.
‘Away you go and tell him I’m sorry for his trouble.’
‘I will, Mammy.’
‘I’m sure he’ll be glad to see you,’ said Mr Collins.
I hoped he would, as I started walking up the a
lley. I went around the side of the house and pushed open the old stable door. Buddy immediately ran to me, pawing at my leg for attention. I knelt down and ruffled his ears. ‘Hello, boy,’ I said.
Colm and Mr Doyle were either side of Blue, walking him round the stable. Colm was talking to Blue as they walked. ‘There’s a good feller, we’ll soon have you feeling better.’ He said it as if he was reassuring a sick child.
‘Do you know what’s wrong with him?’ I asked.
‘Pretty sure it’s colic,’ said Mr Doyle.
‘Is that serious?’
‘It can be if it’s not caught quick enough. We have to keep him moving, Cissy, there’s not a lot else we can do. Time will tell is all I can say.’
Colm was gently stroking Blue’s neck as they walked. There was a strength in him but also a gentleness that he wasn’t afraid to show. My feeling were always so mixed-up when I was with him.
‘Now you’re here, Cissy, I’ll get us some tea and a sandwich. Will you help Colm walk Blue?’
‘I will of course, Mr Doyle.’
I took Mr Doyle’s place beside Blue and together, me and Colm walked him slowly around the stable.
‘Thank you for coming, Cissy.’
‘I was glad to come.’
‘Did you have your dinner?’
‘I had no stomach for it.’
‘I’m the same. Blue is never sick, I hate seeing him like this.’
‘He’ll be alright, Colm, I just know he will. Do you think it might help if we prayed?’
‘I'm not a great believer in the power of prayer meself but you go ahead if you want to. I’d say stranger things have happened and right now we can do with all the help we can get – I’m not about to rule out divine intervention.’
‘I’ll give it a go then.’
I smoothed poor Blue’s back and talked to the Blessed Virgin Mary, who I always thought had a bit of clout where her son was concerned. Dear Mary, I said in my head. Please help Blue get better. I know he’s only a horse but he is one of God’s creatures and deserves as much help as any poor soul who is in need of succour. He’s a good horse, Mary, and he has the colic right now and Colm is desperate scared that he’s going to die. You rode into Bethlehem on a donkey and that’s almost a horse and I’m sure you were glad of the ride, seeing as how you were heavy with child. I will leave this problem in your gentle hands, Mary. Amen. Oh, and by the way, Colm needs Blue to help deliver the milk so would you mind getting a move on and having a quick word with that son of yours. Amen.