The Little Orphan Girl

by Sandy Taylor

  ‘I asked the Virgin Mary to intervene on our behalf,’ I said.

  ‘Well, let’s hope she’s in a generous mood and can see her way clear to helping.’

  ‘Oh, I’m sure she will, I told her it was urgent.’

  Mr Doyle came back with tea and sandwiches and now that I was here with Colm and Blue, I found that I was ready for some food.

  ‘Shouldn’t you be going home, Cissy?’ said Mr Doyle.

  ‘I’d like to stay,’ I answered.

  ‘I’ll take Buddy home and tell your mother that you are staying here. I’ll look in later, call me if things change.’

  We continued to walk Blue round and round. I was beginning to feel tired and my legs were aching. Colm noticed. ‘Have a rest, Cissy,’ he said.

  ‘I’ll just lie down for a bit, will you manage on your own?’

  ‘I’ll be grand, you lie down.’

  I don’t know how long I slept on the cold floor but when I woke up, Colm was lying beside me.

  ‘Is he better?’ I asked.

  ‘My father says that the worst is over.’

  ‘Thanks be to God,’ I said. ‘The Blessed Virgin must have been listening to me.’

  ‘Maybe she was,’ he said, smiling.

  I felt so at peace lying there, breathing in the sweet smell of hay and feeling the warmth of Colm at my side. It was where I belonged, next to the boy who had always been there for me, next to the boy that I loved. Suddenly all the worries and confusion of the last couple of years melted away. I sat up and looked down at Colm’s lovely face. ‘I love you,’ I whispered. ‘I love you, Colm Doyle.’

  He stared at me for a moment and then I was in his arms and he was kissing me and we were both laughing and crying.

  I had come home.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Everything had changed: the sky was bluer and the grass was greener and there was a feeling inside me that made me want to shout out to the whole world that I was in love. I went about my work with a spring in my step and joy in my heart.

  ‘Have you suddenly been blessed with a vocation, Cissy?’ asked Mrs Hickey. ‘Are you about to leave us and join the nunnery?’

  ‘I’m in love, Mrs Hickey.’

  I could see her face cloud over.

  ‘With Colm,’ I said quickly.

  ‘Ah, Colm,’ she said, smiling. ‘Well, in that case I wish you all the happiness in the world for you couldn’t have chosen a finer boy.’

  ‘I know, it just took me a while to realise it.’

  ‘Better late than never, child. I’d say your granddaddy is keeping an eye out for you.’

  ‘I’d like to think so, Mrs Hickey.’

  Bridie was delighted. ‘I’ve been awful worried about you, Cissy,’ she said. ‘I thought your head was full of Master Peter and God alone knows where that bit of foolishness was going to end up.’

  ‘It was for a while but not any more. Anyway, he’s gone back to Dublin and to tell you the truth, I’m glad.’

  ‘Well, thanks be to God for that.’

  ‘My feelings exactly,’ I said, nodding.

  Every morning I made sure that I was at the kitchen door when Colm came with the milk. If there was no one around, we snatched a kiss, which kept me happy for the rest of the day. We spent as much time together as we could. We’d been friends for so long and yet I was still discovering things about him that I hadn’t noticed before. Like the way his hair curled around his ears, the little beauty spot on the back of his neck and the way his hands always moved as he spoke.

  ‘If you cut them off, he’d be struck dumb,’ said Mr Doyle, laughing.

  We walked in the woods even on the coldest of days and we sat on the rocks under the lighthouse, cuddling up together for warmth, then we’d walk across the road to Minnie’s and sit by the fire and drink gallons of tea. Nothing we did was particularly exciting, but we had each other and that was exciting enough.

  A few weeks later, I caught a bug in my tummy – that’s what Mrs Hickey said it was every time I dashed outside to be sick.

  ‘It’s the smell of the food, Mrs Hickey,’ I said. ‘Every time I walk into the kitchen, I feel sick.’

  ‘It’ll pass, Cissy. Be sure to drink plenty of water to flush it out of your system.’

  I tried doing what Mrs Hickey said but the sickness wouldn’t go away. People started to comment on it.

  ‘You’re awful white-looking, Cissy,’ said Annie. ‘You’re not going to die, are you?’

  ‘For God’s sake, Annie, you’d frighten the Devil himself away with your talk of dying. I have a bug, that’s all. Mrs Hickey says I have to give it time to work itself out of my system.’

  ‘I just don’t want you to die.’

  ‘Have you never been ill yourself?’

  ‘Plenty of times. I had a terrible toothache once and Mammy tied a string to the door handle, then round my tooth. She slammed the door shut and nearly took my head off.’

  ‘Well, there you go then.’

  Mammy and Colm were worried about me as well. One morning, Mammy gave me a tot of brandy. It tasted like poison but it seemed to ease the sickness for a while.

  ‘If you don’t get better soon I think you’ll need to see the doctor. You’ve been poorly for weeks now, I’ve never known a tummy bug go on this long.’

  ‘I just want to feel well,’ I said. ‘I’m terrible tired from all this vomiting.’

  ‘Why don’t you take a few days off work?’

  ‘I can’t do that, Mammy. I’m needed, they might replace me.’

  ‘That wouldn’t surprise me. You have a fine position up at the Hall, girls would be hammering down the door to step into your shoes.’

  ‘I’m sure I’ll be well soon.’

  ‘Well, if you’re not, it’s down to the doctor with you.’

  I was leaning against the shed door after a particularly bad bout of sickness. Sweat was pouring down my face and running down the inside of my dress. I slumped onto the ground. Maybe Annie was right after all, maybe I was dying; I certainly felt as if I was.

  ‘Well, well, well…’

  I looked up to see Miss Caroline staring down at me with a strange sort of smile on her face. I wasn’t up for a fight with Miss Baggy Knickers so I stood up, intending to go back to the house.

  ‘Not so quick, Missy,’ she said, as I started to walk away.

  ‘I can’t talk to you now,’ I said. ‘I have a desperate tummy bug.’

  I watched as she started to laugh, her mouth open and her head thrown back.

  ‘Tummy bug, eh? Is that what they call it these days?’

  I didn’t for the life of me know what she was talking about.

  ‘Has it not occurred to you that your little tummy bug is, in fact, a baby? Or are you so ignorant that it hadn’t crossed your mind?’

  I stared at her and shook my head. ‘I’m not having a baby,’ I shouted. ‘You’re just trying to cause trouble as usual.’

  ‘I’d say it’s you that’s brought on this little bit of trouble, wouldn’t you?’

  I stared at her mean face and my stomach clenched in fear.

  ‘And who is the lucky father, Cissy?’

  Her face had changed, she wasn’t laughing any more. ‘Because if you think you can lay this at my brother’s door, you are sadly mistaken.’

  ‘You’re wrong,’ I shouted. ‘You’re wrong.’

  ‘We’ll see,’ she said, walking away from me.

  I felt sick and dizzy. I placed my hands on my tummy. There was a curve there that I hadn’t noticed before. I couldn’t be having a baby. When did I last have the bleed? I couldn’t remember, I couldn’t remember. Dear God, she was right: I was going to have a baby. My life was ruined! My legs felt wobbly and weak. I slid down onto the ground. I didn’t want a baby, not like this, not with Peter. I was only sixteen, I’d thought myself grown-up, but I wasn’t. How could I bring a child into the world when I wasn’t much more than a child myself? I was shaking with fear.


  I had to talk to someone. I couldn’t talk to Mammy, I couldn’t bear to see the look on her face or the disappointment in her eyes. Colm? He would leave me. The only person I could talk to was Mary – she would know what to do.

  On Wednesday morning, Colm met me at the end of the drive. I could barely look at him.

  ‘Are you still feeling bad, Cissy?’ he said, touching my cheek.

  ‘A bit better, I think.’

  ‘Well, that’s good, you’ll soon be right as rain. Where shall we go today?’

  ‘Do you mind if I go and see Mary? She was upset about some boy the last time I saw her, I want to know if she’s alright now.’

  ‘Of course I don’t mind, do you want me to drive you out to the hotel?’

  ‘I think I’d like to walk, Colm.’

  ‘Good idea, the fresh air will do you the power of good. Shall I just drop you in town?’

  ‘That’ll be grand.’

  I walked through the town and out towards the strand. It was still pretty early and I was sure Mary wouldn’t get a break until dinner time. I went down to the beach and stared out across the water. It was February and still cold but the ocean always calmed me. Why hadn’t it occurred to me that I might be having a baby after what me and Peter had done? I was a foolish girl indeed. I couldn’t stay in Ballybun and bring shame on my family and I couldn’t hurt Colm, but where could I go? I had very little money. Even if I could afford the boat fare to England, what would I live on once I got there? Tears started running down my cheeks. I brushed them away; feeling sorry for myself wasn’t going to help. I stayed on the beach for as long as I could and then went across the road to the Green Park Hotel. My dream of working there had been ruined, everything had been ruined and all because I’d thought I was in love with Peter bloody Bretton, who hadn’t so much as passed the time of day with me since that night: he’d got what he wanted and moved on.

  I went into the foyer and asked the young girl behind the desk if Mary Butler was around.

  ‘I can’t leave the desk,’ she said importantly. ‘I have to check in any guests that arrive.’

  ‘Are you expecting any, then?’ I asked. Mary had told me that the hotel was pretty empty in the winter.

  ‘Well, someone might walk in off the street.’

  ‘I’ll keep an eye on it for you while you fetch my friend. Will that do?’

  ‘Well, this is very unprofessional but alright, ask them to take a seat until I come back, but don’t strike up a conversation with them.’

  ‘Oh, I won’t.’ Silly mare, I thought. I didn’t have to wait long before she was back, with Mary walking behind her.

  ‘Cissy,’ she said, grinning. ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘I need to talk to you, have you got the time?’

  ‘I just have one table to lay and I’ll be with you. Go along to Minnie’s, I’ll be five minutes.’

  Just seeing Mary made me feel hopeful. If I didn’t talk to someone about it soon I’d burst.

  ‘Two teas please, Minnie,’ I said. ‘Mary will be here in a minute.’

  ‘Two teas coming up, Cissy.’

  I sat by the fire and traced the pattern on the flowery cloth that covered it. I was desperate to speak to my friend. I was relieved when she came through the door, bringing a gust of cold air with her. ‘I’ve ordered tea,’ I said.

  ‘Grand,’ she said. ‘My bloody feet are hanging off me. I’m going to land up with those great knobbly veins at this rate. So what’s up?’

  I could feel hot tears welling up behind my eyes.

  ‘Two teas,’ said Minnie, putting them down on the table.

  ‘Cissy, what’s wrong?’ said Mary.

  I had such a lump in my throat I couldn’t get any words out.

  ‘It can’t be that bad.’

  ‘It’s worse, Mary.’ I took a deep breath. ‘I’m going to have a baby.’

  She stared at me as if she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. ‘You’re having a what?’

  ‘A baby, I’m having a baby… What am I going to do, Mary? I don’t know what to do.’

  ‘Well, I’d say the first thing to do is tell Colm. Sure, he’ll probably be delighted and he’ll have you down that aisle before you know where you are. He’s always loved you, Cissy. He’ll stand by you. Sure, everything will work out just fine.’

  ‘It’s not Colm’s,’ I said quietly.

  Mary looked shocked. ‘Jesus, Cissy, whose is it then?’

  I didn’t answer her.

  ‘Not the Honourable’s?’

  All I could do was nod.

  ‘You’re having the Honourable’s baby?’

  ‘Yes. You have to help me, Mary. I have no one else to turn to.’

  ‘Of course I’ll help you, Cissy, just let me think.’

  I chewed on my lip while I waited for Mary to come up with a plan.

  ‘We’ll go and see Father Kelly, your secret will be safe with him. If anyone can help, he can.’ Mary reached across the table and held my hand. ‘Oh, Cissy, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. God forgive me, I know I shouldn’t be saying this but couldn’t you just tell Colm the baby is his?’

  ‘Unless it’s an immaculate conception, then no, because I’ve never laid with Colm.’

  ‘Father Kelly is our only hope, then. Have you got Sunday off?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘We’ll approach him after last Mass and hope to God that he can come up with something.’

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  I had never known a week to drag on like this one. What if Father Kelly refused to help me? What if he felt it was his duty to tell Mammy?

  ‘You look as if you’ve lost a shilling and found a penny,’ said Mrs Hickey one morning. ‘Are you still feeling under the weather?’

  ‘A bit,’ I said.

  She stared at me. ‘You can always talk to me, you know.’

  Kindness was the last thing I needed. I covered my face with my hands and cried. Mrs Hickey led me to her chair and eased me down into it.

  ‘Oh, Cissy,’ she said gently.

  ‘I’ve been a foolish girl,’ I sobbed.

  Mrs Hickey took a hankie from up her sleeve and handed it to me. ‘Colm?’ she asked.

  I shook my head.

  ‘That’s what I feared. Will you tell your mother?’

  ‘She mustn’t know, Mrs Hickey,’ I said frantically. ‘Promise me you won’t tell her.’

  She touched my shoulder. ‘Not unless you want me to.’

  ‘I don’t, she can’t know.’

  ‘Do you have someone you can talk to?’

  I nodded. ‘My friend Mary, she suggested that I speak to Father Kelly on Sunday.’

  ‘I’d say that was good advice. Can he be trusted?’

  ‘Mary says he’s bound by the seal of the confessional, even if I don’t go into the box. He’s a kind man, Mrs Hickey.’

  ‘Then let’s hope he can help you, child.’

  ‘I’ve been such a fool.’

  ‘What you’ve done is as old as time. You’re not the first to find yourself in this predicament and God knows, you won’t be the last. You’re not a bad girl, you just fell under the spell of a spoilt little boy.’

  ‘I thought he was nice.’

  ‘He always was, but he’s taken advantage of you. I could twist the head off him, I could. Will you tell him?’

  ‘No, I won’t. I want nothing more to do with him and anyway, what’s the point? He’s not going to ask me to marry him, is he?’

  ‘I’m afraid he’s not, love, but I imagine you’ve always known that.’

  ‘Miss Caroline knows.’

  ‘I bet she does, nothing much gets past her beady little eyes.’

  I took a deep breath and dried my eyes. I’d got myself into this and now I was going to have to get myself out of it.

  I hadn’t said anything to Annie or Bridie; the fewer people that knew, the better. I had Mrs Hickey and Mary, I wasn’t alone.

  Colm picked m
e up on Sunday. It was so hard to pretend that nothing was wrong. ‘Can you drop me off at the church?’ I said. ‘I’m meeting Mary.’

  ‘Will I see you later?’

  Oh, how I wanted to see him, to be in his arms, to feel safe again; to pretend none of this was happening. ‘Mary might need me,’ I said.

  ‘Is she still heartbroken?’

  ‘A bit.’

  Mary was sitting on the wall as we pulled up outside the church. I kissed Colm’s cheek and climbed down from the cart.

  ‘Cissy?’

  I turned around. ‘Yes?’

  ‘Nothing,’ he said, smiling. ‘I just wanted to see your face.’

  But he wouldn’t want to see my face if he knew. He wouldn’t want to see any part of me, ever again.

  Mary jumped down off the wall. ‘We’d best do some desperate praying while we’re in there, Cissy,’ she said.

  ‘Praying’s not going to change anything, is it?’

  ‘Well, you never know, it’s worth a try.’

  The Mass went right over my head. I stood, I sat down and I genuflected in all the right places. I’d been doing it since I was a child so it had become automatic but all I could think of was what Father Kelly was going to say when I told him that I was going to have a baby.

  We waited till everyone left the church, then we tapped on the vestry door. I felt sick and judging by the look on Mary’s face, she was feeling the same. It had seemed like a good idea at the time but now I wasn’t so sure.

  ‘Hello, girls,’ said Father Kelly.

  ‘Can I talk to you, Father?’ I asked.

  ‘You can, of course. Come in, come in. Sit down while I take off these vestments.’

  He went into the little side room and me and Mary sat on a bench.