Maybe after we got back home and had a chance to be alone, I’d open up to her about Austin. Until then, it was me and my bottled-up emotions.
In the meantime, my only other option for company was Allie. Unfortunately, she seemed to have her hands full mothering Adam and Bryant. Those two were growing closer and slowly becoming bolder, even venturing so far as to share a quick kiss in front of everyone that morning. It was just a peck on the cheek, but it was progress. Anyway, I doubted Allie would’ve taken my problems very seriously. She’d always been a little jealous of how easy it was for me to pick up boyfriends. For her, it had always been a struggle to feel comfortable with boys. And after the way things turned out with Bryant, I worried she might have given up on dating altogether.
My only solution was to keep my feelings to myself—bottled up, tamped down, and shoved into the deepest corner of my mind. We were at the beach, hours away from the majority of our troubles, and I wasn’t going to taint this pristine sanctuary with my woes.
Instead, I swallowed a few more diet pills and hid behind a smile.
After playing board games in the house for most of the morning, Liz made lunch for everyone before we headed down to the beach again.
It was a little warmer than it had been that morning. The water was still freezing, so I laid out a towel on the sand and decided to warm up under the sun’s rays. I was wearing one of my newest bikinis, a cute little orange number with yellow stripes. I still thought my mid-section looked a little flabby, but there wasn’t anything more I could do about it.
Despite that, I was desperate to even out my tan. After my ski trip, I wound up with really bad tan lines along my neck and across my face. I'd managed to use makeup and turtlenecks to hide it so far, but I wasn't going to be able to get away with that for much longer. So I braved the outdoors and sat on the edge of my towel with a bottle of tanning oil. I rubbed it into my skin as I watched the others charge toward the water's edge.
“Want me to get your back?”
I jumped at the sound of Austin's voice as he approached me from behind. He tossed a gym bag on the sand beside me and held out a hand expectantly.
I eyed him carefully before making a move. The sight of him and the memory of our earlier conversation put me on edge. But, I resisted the urge to snap at him, instead I pulled my legs up to my chest in an effort to hide my stomach.
“I've got it,” I said, stubbornly applying more oil to my hands and rubbing it along my calves.
“Fine,” he said with a shrug as he folded his arms. “Don't blame me when your back winds up blotchy.”
I clenched my teeth because he was right. There was no way I'd be able to cover the whole thing myself. Plus, it wasn't like I didn't want him to touch me. I liked his hands on my skin. Honestly, it was probably the most intimate thing he'd ever done to me.
That thought made me angry all over again. “Why'd you have to ruin everything?” I asked him, keeping my tone even and relaxed. “We were getting along so well this morning.”
“You're the only one who’s got a problem right now.” He raised an eyebrow and gave me a sidelong glance.
I shrugged. “Because you can never just say what you feel.”
He held my gaze, daring me to contradict him. “Well, that makes two of us.”
My gaze flashed up to meet his, and I felt goosebumps prickle across my skin again. What did he want from me? Never before had I been so confused and enthralled by a single guy. Once more, my anger had been extinguished, and I felt like I'd been exposed, completely laid bare. And he could see everything that I'd been trying to hide.
Without a word, Austin held out his hand again. This time, I gave him the bottle of tanning oil without complaint. He sat down on the towel behind me and popped the bottle open. When his fingers touched my skin, I flinched at the heat. The ocean air left my body chilled, but his hands were warm and soothing. I had to fight to keep myself from leaning into them. Austin worked the oil into my skin, massaging my back methodically. It was more relaxing than I had anticipated.
With every knead of my back, the tension in my muscles was soothed away by his big, strong hands. I'd had guys put oil or lotion on my back before, but it had never felt like this. They'd never taken this much time or been this respectful.
“Mmmm,” I purred beneath his touch, my anger momentarily forgotten. “That feels amazing. You could do this for a living.”
“As a matter of fact, I’m planning on taking massage therapy classes after I graduate.” Austin chuckled slightly. “I’ve already been looking at a few different chiropractors around town who might be willing to hire a massage therapist-in-training.”
I frowned at that plan. By my estimates, working in a chiropractor’s office was probably a sixty-thousand-dollar a year job, max. “That’s not very ambitious of you.”
“Not all of us need six figure incomes in order to be happy.” His tone didn't carry a single hint of malice, but the words still stung. Between both of my parents, we were probably closer to seven figures, and I still wasn't happy.
“You could always open your own massage clinic. If you court the right clientele, you could have an extremely comfortable life.” I glanced back to look at him, pretending what he said hadn't bothered me in the slightest.
“I don’t need a lot of money in order to be comfortable, Kim.” Austin dug his thumb into my shoulder, working out a knot. “A steady income, a reliable roommate, and enough money to still hang out with my friends like this is all I need to be happy.”
I nodded, acknowledging that in theory what he said was true. I just wasn’t sure I believed it in practice.
Austin handed me the bottle of tanning oil and looked me in the eye. “What do you need to be happy, Kim? And keep in mind, there’s no right or wrong answer here. But from what I’ve learned, knowing what you need to be happy is the first step to actually being happy.”
“Are you happy right now?” I asked him with a raised eyebrow. He was throwing so many questions at me that I didn’t know the answer to. My only defense was to ask one of my own.
“I am.” Austin’s quick response seemed to prove his sincerity. “I’m with my friends. I’m doing well in school. I’ve got a reliable car, good food, and a plan for the future. Everything looks like it’s coming together in my favor.” His expression fell after a moment and he shrugged. “There’s only one thing that makes me unhappy, but we can’t have everything we want.”
I studied his face, wondering what he meant. At first, I thought the thing that made him unhappy was the fact that we were no longer dating. But that narcissistic assumption was quickly discarded. His source of unhappiness, whatever it was, probably had more to do with his forced celibacy than anything else.
“What about you, Kim?” He looked at me with those all-knowing eyes, seeing right inside me.
“I’m happy,” I said with an unconvincing little laugh. “I’ve got everything I need right here.”
“What about the other night when you called me? Were you happy then?”
I sighed and pursed my lips together before answering. “I told you what that was about.”
“You made up a story so I wouldn’t know why you really called.” His brow furrowed, daring me to lie again. “And that’s fine. I told you I’d be there for you whenever you need me. You don’t have to share the details with me, but I could tell you were really upset about something. Something bad enough that you didn’t want to trouble Liz with it.”
I looked away and didn't say anything. I knew I shouldn't have called him that night. It had opened up a whole can of drama I didn't want to deal with.
“Now,” Austin continued, “there's something else that's bothering you, which is why you're back here hiding from everyone instead of playing in the water. Your body language, the way you were so defensive this morning, you're obviously trying to keep something hidden.”
I swallowed hard, hating that he could read me so well. He was peeling back the layers of lies
I had told myself and exposing the miserable, terrified creature underneath. I didn’t want to tell him or anyone else, but I didn’t think I could keep up the lies forever. Maybe it was time to stop hiding and start facing the things that terrified me head-on.
Kimberly Curtner was never one to let fear get the better of her. She was stronger than that.
“It’s just hormones,” I said, chickening out at the last second. There was no way he’d understand, and he had already proven he’d go to Liz if he thought something was wrong with me. No thanks. Austin Walker had firmly placed himself outside the sphere of people who deserved to know my darkest secrets. “I told you before, it’s that time of the month. There’s no way I’m hitting the water right now.”
“Well, your back’s done,” he said after a moment of silence. Even though I couldn’t see his face, I could tell he was disappointed. He didn’t believe me at all. “If you wanna sit here alone, then I can’t stop you.” He set the bottle down beside me then climbed to his feet.
I didn’t say anything as I watched him jog across the beach toward the others. Adam pitched a frisbee toward him, and Austin jumped up to catch it with ease.
My heart was fluttering with the intensity of a humming bird. Austin was setting me aflame and yet, the only reason we weren’t actually together anymore was because of him. As much as I hated to admit it, I was one-hundred percent ready to pick up where we left off if he gave me the chance. That little back massage made me quiver with excitement in ways I didn’t know were even possible.
But, Austin was determined to remain celibate for the rest of his days, apparently. Which left me high and dry.
“Hey, Kim?” Austin called out as he jogged back across the sand toward me. The breathless smile on his face made my heart patter. How could he be so carefree? Couldn’t he tell how much he was torturing me?
“What now?” I asked, pretending to be annoyed at his return.
“Well, everyone was saying we should get a watermelon, and since you and I are the only ones who haven’t gotten wet yet, I kinda volunteered us.” His boyish, unapologetic grin tore me down the middle.
I wanted to scream at him for being so inconsiderate. Going for a car ride with a guy I desperately wanted but couldn’t have was a recipe for misery. At the same time, I was eager to be closer to him no matter how much it hurt. But there was also the distant voice in the back of my mind who kept hope alive by telling me I could wear him down. Eventually, he would either stop resisting, or he would tell me why he’d sworn off sex forever.
Either option was a win.
If I could drop a few more pounds, I was sure he’d want to be with me again. As soon as that thought crossed my mind, I immediately regretted wearing my bikini. It wasn’t at all flattering with the way my body currently looked. I’d been stupid to think I could get away with wearing something so revealing. I should’ve just hit the tanning salon back home instead of exposing myself to everyone.
For a minute, I forgot just how hideous I actually was.
“Kim?” Austin knelt in front of me and looked me in the eye. “Do you wanna come with me?”
I quickly shoved past my emotions. There was no way I was going to let him know all the stuff that had flashed through my mind in the last twenty seconds. “Yeah, fine, I’ll go,” I said as I rolled my eyes and looked past him to where the others were still tossing a frisbee around in the waves. “You should probably make sure nobody wants anything else while we’re gone.”
“Right. I’ll be right back.” He climbed to his feet and bounded back down the beach with his limitless energy. In a lot of ways, he reminded me of a puppy. Enthusiastic, energetic, and earnest about every little thing.
As soon as he disappeared, I started picking up my stuff. I draped my beach towel around my shoulders, trying to obscure as much of my body as possible. Of course, Austin had been up close and personal with me not even half an hour ago, so the likelihood of him forgetting all my fat rolls so quickly was unlikely. Even though he’d been kind enough not to draw attention to them.
Sure enough, there were a bunch of things we needed to pick up from the store. If I didn’t know better, I wonder if we were on the verge of starvation.
I pulled a sweater and jeans over my bikini then fluffed up my hair. Once my skin was covered, I felt a lot more confident. Now all I needed was a healthy application of my brightest red lipstick and a little concealer. My makeup was my warpaint, and I wore it with pride.
Austin was waiting for me in the car by the time I finished getting ready. He was still wearing his swim trunks but had added a t-shirt and some sneakers to complete the look. I was mildly impressed. He actually made the beach bum aesthetic look good.
The miles passed quietly as we drove toward the small town we saw on our way in. It was home to only a few thousand people, and that meant our options for shopping weren’t very broad. According to Logan, the store he suggested had “the widest selection of products in town...which isn’t saying much.”
Austin and I divided the shopping list and split up to cover ground more quickly. We were under strict orders not to take too long because Allie was “literally starving for Doritos.”
As expected, it took forever for me to find the stuff on my list. With every new item added to the cart, I wondered how many diet pills I’d need to take to counteract them. It wasn’t like I was pigging out either. I put just enough food on my plate to avoid arousing suspicion from my friends, and then only ate about half of it. If I followed that pattern, I hoped to be able to limp through the weekend without undoing any of my previous work. There was a scale in the bathroom back at the house, but I’d resisted the urge to weigh myself so far. I didn’t expect to win that battle much longer.
After my disastrous decision to wear a bikini of all things, the scale was all I could think about. I needed to know just how much work was ahead of me.
Austin came looking for me before I was half done. I pretended to have gotten stuck on picking out the perfect watermelon for the seven of us to share. Thankfully, Austin knew what he liked and grabbed the first one he saw. Problem solved.
While we finished off my list, we chatted about the town and the beach, but nothing serious. “…don’t you agree?”
“Hmm?” I glanced up at him and tried to recall what he’d just said. “Yeah, totally.”
He rolled his eyes and laughed. “You haven’t heard a word I’ve said.”
Busted. “Sorry.” I shook my head as if trying to focus it. “I was thinking about dinner.”
“You hungry?” He lifted a box of Twinkies from the cart and held it toward me. “We can totally open this if you want.”
Horrified by the idea, I backed away as if he just suggested I murder someone. “Uh, no thanks. I’m fine.”
I just needed to get back to the house so I could do a quick weigh in. I’d feel better after that, but right then, the scale was calling to me.
I hugged myself and imagined how I had looked in my bikini on the beach. I knew the numbers on the scale wouldn’t be good. In fact, looking at the contents of the shopping cart, I was only adding to my problem.
While we paid for the groceries, I tried to focus on anything other than the growing knot of anxiety in my chest. I clutched my purse tightly and didn’t lift a finger to help load the bags into the shopping cart. Austin did all the heavy lifting, as usual. And by the way the cashier looked at us when we were leaving, I could tell he thought we were a couple. If I wasn’t so worked up, I might’ve teased Austin about it a little.
“Are you okay?” Austin asked as we crossed the parking lot to his car.
“Yeah, fine.” I didn’t really want to talk about anything. My head was a jumbled mess that couldn’t decide on what it wanted to worry about the most.
Austin popped the trunk of the car. “Seriously, Kim, we’re the only ones here. If something’s bothering you, you can tell me.”
I lifted my eyes from the black surface of the parking lot and looked
up at him.
Austin stopped loading the car and waited for me to respond, concern written across his face.
“I want to tell you,” I said without thinking. “I just...I don’t think you’ll understand. I don’t think anyone will.”
“Try me.” The challenge in his voice was almost enough to make me spill my guts right there.
I met his gaze, and the determination in his eyes was oddly comforting. “I’m okay, really. But thanks for the offer.”
“Kim...”
“I just need to get back to the cabin.” I looked up at him and forced a smile. “Besides, it’s not like you’re my boyfriend. What do you care?” I winced internally at that last barb.
I’d gone too far if the look on Austin’s face was any indicator.
Feeling like shit but not knowing how to fix it, I took the easy way out. I turned on my heel and climbed into the passenger’s seat of the car before he could say anything else.
A moment later, I heard him go back to loading up the groceries.
When Austin joined me again, he didn’t say anything. I was both grateful and guilty for his silence. He was just trying to help. This was one of those times when I hated myself.
They used to be few and far between, but they were getting to be more and more frequent lately.
20
After locking myself in the bathroom, I took a deep breath and started stripping out of my clothes. If I didn’t get this over with, I’d be obsessing about it all night.
As it was, I ran inside the house like a crazy woman, mumbling an excuse about needing to pee. Everyone was downstairs when we got back, laughing and talking before heading outside to help with the groceries we picked up. I wanted to be down there with them so I could laugh and tell them about how I agonized over which watermelon to buy and how Austin hadn’t even given it two seconds’ consideration.
The Outside Series - Complete Trilogy: Books 1-3 Page 20