But instead, I was hiding in the bathroom, shamefully checking to see if I was as enormous as I felt.
Time to get this over with. The scale was sitting on the bottom shelf of the cupboard where the towels were kept. I’d noticed it after taking a shower the day before.
All I had to do was drag it out and hop on. Then I’d know for sure.
Numbers don’t like, and I fully expected to want to puke after seeing this particular number. But before I could plan my next step, I had to verify what the damage was. If this was my lowest point, then at least I’d be able to measure how far I had to go.
It only took me a minute to find what I was looking for. It was one of those older scales with a needle instead of a digital readout. These were notoriously inaccurate and easy to cheat if they weren’t calibrated right. For a moment, I hesitated. Was there any reason to even try if I knew the numbers weren’t going to come out right?
I faced my reflection in the bathroom mirror above the sink and considered my options. There was some puffiness in my cheeks now where there hadn’t been any before. It could have been my imagination, but even my neck looked like it was getting bigger. It was no wonder none of the boys at school had made a move on me recently. They could see what I’d been in denial about.
I was getting fat.
I clenched my fists before turning to face the scale once more. Even if the numbers weren’t one-hundred percent accurate, it would still give me an idea of what I was working with.
There was no other way around it. I had to do this.
With everything off except my bikini, I was ready to go. Goose bumps prickled across my skin as I stood there, eyeing the scale like it was a bear trap that would crush me if I stepped on it.
The longer I stayed up there, the more likely someone would notice my absence. If I wanted to keep suspicion to a minimum, I needed to hurry up.
It was now or never.
With my eyes squeezed shut, I eased my way onto the scale. It groaned beneath my weight and I worried it would explode into a million pieces. I tried to tell myself it was just an old scale and that’s what they did, but in the back of my mind, I wasn’t convinced. How would I explain something like that?
It felt like hours had passed before I finally got the nerve to stand on the scale and look down. When I finally did, I was devastated. I’d definitely gained a few more pounds since the last time I weighed myself at home.
A knock at the door made me flinch. “Kim? Are you okay?” Liz sounded concerned and I knew she’d be walking in at any minute if I didn’t convince her I was fine. “You’ve been up here for a while. Austin said you seemed a little off at the store. I just wanted to check on you.”
I cleared my throat. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just...feeling a little under the weather.”
“Do you need me to get you anything?”
I hugged myself as I stared down at the scale and tried not to cry. “No...I’ll be out in a minute.”
“Okay.” Liz didn’t sound happy, but she didn’t press me for details. “We’re gonna play Monopoly. Do you want us to wait for you?”
“No, that’s fine. I’ll just watch when I come out.” I forced myself to smile and hoped she could hear it in my voice. If they were all occupied with Monopoly, they might not notice me missing for a while longer.
“Do you have your phone?” Liz asked after a moment.
I glance at it sitting on the counter. “Y-yeah.”
“Text me if you need something, okay?”
“Okay,” I replied with a sigh of relief in my voice.
A moment later, I heard Liz’s footsteps withdraw from the door. I was glad she wasn’t going to let my issues keep her from having a little fun. I didn’t want to be the reason she didn’t enjoy this weekend getaway.
I stepped off the scale and slowly began to put my clothes back on. Clearly, I wasn’t doing enough. I needed to either decrease the amount of food I was eating or increase the number of pills I was taking. Cutting back on food wasn’t really an option because there had already been a few joking comments about my unfinished meals. Which left me with only one real choice.
I needed to up the dosage a little more.
I didn’t plan on doing it forever. As soon as I got back home to Maddie’s healthy meals, I’d be fine. When I added in my twice daily workouts and maybe a diet pill here or there, I would lose the weight in no time.
This was just temporary fix to get me through the weekend.
As soon as I was skinny again, I would stop completely. Was it so wrong to need a little help with getting healthy? These pills were just a tool I was using to get my body back to where I could be confident about it again. After that, I’d be more proactive about keeping my weight from getting away from me.
I put the scale away and made sure to flush the empty toilet and wash my hands. Even though I was pretty sure everyone was downstairs, I wasn’t going to take any chances and get caught. I just had to head to the bedroom I shared with Allie, grab a couple pills, and then head downstairs to where everyone was enjoying themselves.
I yanked open the bathroom door, and my heart stopped.
Austin was leaning against the wall opposite the door. “You’ve been in there a while. Are you okay?”
I panicked and wondered what he might have heard. He was supposed to be downstairs playing Monopoly with everyone else. What was he doing upstairs?
“I’m fine.” I smiled at him, grateful I took the time to complete my ruse. “I’m perfectly fine.”
“Kim...” I could hear the pleading tone in his voice. He knew I was lying. Somehow, he just wasn’t taken in by my deception. “Please, be honest with me.”
“Why does something have to be wrong?” I countered, shaking my head and looking away.
“Because of the way you’re acting. You’re not you.” Austin stepped toward me, placing one hand against the door frame and preventing me from leaving the bathroom. “You’re struggling with something, and you’re keeping it from everyone, even Liz.”
I didn’t know what else to say. I was tired of trying to defend my actions to him. Tired of the way he kept inserting himself into my business like he had any right to tell me what to do. “Maybe it’s because this guy I’m really into, and who seems to be into me, is determined to make us both miserable?” I turned my eyes to meet his and immediately felt vindicated.
I’d struck a nerve.
“Kim...”
“Don’t.” I held up a finger to his chest. “I don’t want to hear your excuses or your weird explanation about how you never want to be physical with me. You never even gave me a chance to try to understand what you were going through. You just assumed that, because I’m not a virgin, I’d never be able to have a relationship without sex.” I clenched my fists and latched on to my anger as it buoyed me out of my despair. “So now we’ve got the rest of this weekend to get through, together, and every time I see you, my heart goes through all the stages of grief in thirty seconds.”
“You really want an explanation?” Austin pushed off the wall and backed away. “You want to know what’s so terrible that I’ve decided to avoid a real relationship at all?”
The anger boiling off him was more intense than I expected. It wasn’t directed at me though. In fact, it seemed more like he was angry with himself.
“Of course I want an explanation.” I stood with my hands on my hips and waited, hoping he’d give me something I could finally understand.
“So do I,” said Austin as he looked back at me. His anger had already begun to dissipate. In the blink of an eye, he’d gotten himself under control again. “I want an explanation from you about what’s really bothering you.”
I clenched my jaw and knit my brow. “You think I’m lying?”
“I know you’re lying, Kim. This, whatever it is you’re going through, it’s not about us. Not entirely. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have called me the other night.” He folded his arms as he looked back at me.
Again with the phone call. He wasn’t going to let that go any time soon. “Then I guess I won’t make that mistake again any time soon.” I pushed past him and headed down the hall toward my room. I half expected him to grab me as I walked by, but he didn’t.
He stood rooted in place, just watching me walk away.
I slammed the door shut behind me and instantly regretted it. Now everyone would know we’d been fighting. They probably heard every word we said from all the way downstairs. But dammit, I couldn’t help myself.
Austin seemed to know exactly how to get under my skin.
Why couldn’t he just accept it when I told him everything was fine?
Even if it wasn’t.
21
I sulked in my room for about an hour before Liz and Allie came to coax me out. I’d already taken my next oversized dose of pills, so I let them bribe me with brownies and ice cream. When I got back downstairs, Austin wouldn’t even look at me.
I winced a little when he turned away and ignored me. In one fell swoop, I’d undone all the progress I had made with him. The chances of repairing our relationship now were about zero, but at least I wouldn’t have to keep lying to him.
The guys went off to gather drift wood for an after-dinner bonfire on the beach, leaving me alone with Liz and Allie.
“Have you been eating enough?” Liz asked me as the three of us sat in the living room, munching on the brownies Allie had baked.
I was immediately on the defensive. “What makes you ask that?” I tried to laugh but even I could hear how shrill I sounded.
“You’ve just been a little cranky, and I thought maybe your blood sugar was low.” Liz looked at me pointedly. As usual, she was trying to look out for me.
“I’m fine.” I offered her my most reassuring smile. “I haven’t been cranky with everyone. It’s just...Austin. He’s driving me crazy, and I guess I snapped.”
Liz and Allie looked at each other, and their silent exchange made me uncomfortable. They’d been talking about me behind my back.
“Kim, it’s not just Austin,” Allie said, looking back at me. “You’ve been bitchy with everyone. You snapped at Bryant this morning when he was brushing his teeth and you wanted the mirror. You were pissed at Adam for eating too loud at breakfast, and you were angry at me this morning because you thought I was going through your stuff.”
I opened my mouth to protest, but Liz interrupted me. “We all love you, Kim.” She grabbed my hand and held it between hers. “Every single person here is your friend—your ally. The way you’ve been acting isn’t normal for you, and everyone is worried.”
Half a dozen biting comebacks jumped into my head at the same time, but I held them all down. I’d been so self-absorbed that I hadn’t really noticed it before, but Liz and Allie were right. I was being bitchy, and there was absolutely no reason for it. The little things Allie had mentioned were all stuff I’d normally address with a bit of teasing. But, if I was being honest with myself, I’d been outright hostile.
“You guys...” I shook my head mournfully as I tried to come up with some sort of explanation. I really didn’t have one. “I’m so sorry...”
“I know you said you’re on your period,” Liz continued, “so I’ve been trying to cut you some slack. Everyone understands how crazy hormones can get. The only reason we’re even talking about this is because it’s so unlike you even when you’re PMSing.”
“I didn’t realize it was getting so bad,” I admitted, wincing a little at the dull throbbing that had invaded my head. Great. Now, on top of everything else, I had a headache to deal with. “Do you have any Tylenol?” I looked between Liz and Allie. “My head is killing me.”
“Maybe.” Allie climbed to her feet. “I’ll go look.”
As soon as she was gone, Liz pulled my hand up to her chest and held it there. “You’re my best friend in the world. You’ve always been there for me when I needed you. Let me be here for you now.”
I forced myself to smile despite the pain in my head. “I’m sorry I’ve been so unbearable. I think, honestly, it’s just the combination of everything. Being around Austin, my period, this headache, and then...Monday is Kiley’s anniversary.”
“I know.” Liz gave my hand a little squeeze before releasing it. “Just try to relax and maybe cut everyone a little slack. We’re all here for the same reason you are.”
“I will.” I leaned over and gave my best friend a hug. “I promise to do better.”
My headache was even worse the next day. I popped some painkillers and tried my best to ignore the throbbing, but it wasn’t easy. I wanted to stay in bed all day with a pillow over my face, but it was the last day of our trip, and I wasn’t going to waste it by lying around and waiting for my migraine to dissipate.
Like the day before, we spent most of the day out on the beach, building sandcastles and trying to make the best possible use of what little time we had left. But, as it got later in the day, we were forced to abandon our fun and start packing up the cars.
Surprisingly, we ate pretty much everything we brought with us and that made me wonder just how many of those calories were permanently attached to my hips. It was hard to not feel a little guilty about how much I’d eaten over the last few days, especially since my goal was to lose weight, not gain it. The weight loss pills would help but only if I did my part and made better choices.
Suddenly, I was eager to get back home. Everything would be better once I was away from concerned eyes and I could better regulate exactly what I was eating.
As we loaded everything up, a conspiracy quickly emerged. Adam, Bryant, and Allie had loaded their bags in Logan’s car, forcing me to ride alone with Austin.
“Won’t we be more comfortable if we keep the same seating arrangement as on the ride up?” I was looking at Liz, hoping she’d hear my unspoken words and back me up.
“Actually, Adam and Bryant live closer to me.” Logan closed the trunk of his car and rested his hands on the warm metal. “And since you’re close to Austin, he doesn’t have to drive as far out of his way.”
When everyone else murmured their agreement, I knew it was a losing battle.
Besides, my head was killing me by that point, and I didn’t feel like arguing. “Yeah, okay. That’s fine with me.”
Who cared if I was riding with Austin? I fully intended to sleep the entire way home.
For once, Austin didn’t even try to strike up a conversation. The ride was quiet, and I dozed off several times on the ride. It wasn’t until familiar landmarks began to dot the horizon that I started to feel guilty for giving him the silent treatment.
“I’m sorry for the way I was acting this weekend,” I said as I stared out the window. “I’ve been under a lot of stress lately, and I was determined not to let it ruin everyone’s fun, but I guess that didn’t really work out.”
“Every single one of us wanted to use this weekend to get away from something,” Austin said after a moment of silence. “Adam and Bryant had an obvious excuse. Liz and Logan just wanted some time to relax and be together. Allie’s been struggling with feelings of inferiority. I’ve been stressed about how I’m gonna pay for college. But we all put that shit away when we got to the beach house. Obviously, you were having a difficult time and none of us blamed you for it. The only thing that was really selfish was the fact that you wouldn’t accept anyone’s help. Everyone offered it at one point or another, but you were so determined to not ruin everyone’s weekend that you pushed everyone away and alienated yourself.”
I nodded but said nothing. When I apologized, I just wanted to soothe my guilt a little, not get a lecture about everything I could’ve done differently. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re annoyingly observant?” I asked after a few miles had passed.
“Most people are grateful to have a friend who pays attention,” Austin replied. “Why does it bother you so much?”
“Because maybe there are things I’m trying to handle that no one else can help with? Maybe
I keep stuff to myself because I’m the only one who can do anything about it.” I looked over at him with a hard stare.
“Kim...” Austin sighed. “Just because it’s something you have to do alone doesn’t mean you have to go through it alone. Help doesn’t always mean working side by side on a problem. Sometimes it just means being there for someone. I mean, come on, I shouldn’t have to explain this to you. You helped Liz.”
“But I actually had something to offer her.” I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned against the car door. “She stayed with my family. I gave her a place where she could escape her darkness.”
“Look, I’m not going to argue with you about this.” Austin shook his head as he pulled onto my street. “If you ever decide you want to open up and unload on someone, I’ll be here. Just don’t wait too long.”
I bit my tongue to keep from saying something I might regret. After our conversation yesterday, I realized Liz and Allie had been right. I’d been far more irritable than usual and had been saying all kinds of hurtful things to people I loved. Since I didn’t have a good excuse, I blamed it on my never-ending headache.
“Thanks for the ride,” I said when Austin pulled up to the curb in front of my house. I quickly pushed open my door and started to climb out when a wave of dizziness caught me off guard and I stumbled. I was moving in slow motion as I tripped over the edge of the sidewalk…and then I was falling.
22
I think I lost consciousness.
Things sorta faded in and out for a while so I’m not sure. I remember Austin shouting my name, but my head was absolutely splitting. I wanted to tell him I was fine but words weren’t coming out of my mouth. Then Maddie was there, kneeling beside me and asking me questions. I’m pretty sure I responded, but I have no idea if I got them right. It’s all a blur.
My next clear memory was of waking up in the hospital.
The lights in the room were dim and everything was quiet, but there was no mistaking the fact I was in a proper hospital room, not the ER. Fortunately, I didn’t have a roommate, which meant my parents had probably pulled some strings. Not because they cared about my comfort but because they worked at this hospital and it would have been inappropriate for them to leave me in a shared room.
The Outside Series - Complete Trilogy: Books 1-3 Page 21