The Outside Series - Complete Trilogy: Books 1-3

by Kristina Renee

  “What do you know about it?” I challenged, getting annoyed with his judgmental attitude.

  “Because I’ve been there, Kim. And, spoiler alert, you didn’t do this because of me.” He took a deep breath and dragged a chair toward the bed.

  I scoffed. “Is that so?”

  “Last school year,” he began as he took a seat. “I wanted to make the varsity football team, but Coach said I didn’t make the cut. I was too pudgy, too soft, too heavy. If I wanted to play football this year, I needed to completely change my body.”

  I took a deep breath and held it, wondering if this was the secret behind Austin’s miraculous transformation? When I’d first set eyes on him at the start of the school year, I barely even recognized him. He’d suddenly toned up and turned into a class A hottie.

  “But, at the time, a lot of stuff was going on at home. Dad and Mom were fighting all the time, then they decided to go to splitsville and every expense was a fight between which of them was stuck paying it, including my gym membership. They both buried themselves in work, and I was pretty much left to fend for myself. I was either crashing on my dad’s sofa at his apartment or stewing in my own self-pity at my mom’s. It...was not a good time for me.” Austin leaned back in his chair and looked up at the ceiling.

  “I didn’t know,” I said softly, feeling like the selfish bitch everyone said I was because I hadn’t noticed what he was going through. “I’m sorry.”

  He shook his head to wave off my concern. “Don’t be. I had a goal and that was to make the team. So I started running every morning. The money I made at work went to a used weight set from Craig’s List and I got obsessive about what I was eating. All my time and effort was focused on my training.

  “It paid off.” I smiled and hoped he took my compliment as it was intended.

  “Thanks, but that was the end of my good choices. I quickly hit a wall and wasn’t getting any bigger. Coach had summer training sessions for football, and when I showed up to practice, I could feel him judging me. When I compared myself to all the other guys, I felt like they were making more progress than me, getting bulkier or leaner or whatever their own goals and I was totally stagnant. I knew if I didn’t do something drastic, I wasn’t going to make the cut.”

  I nodded and reached for his hand. It was an intimate gesture that probably wasn’t appropriate, but I felt like I needed the comfort as much as he did.

  “I went through my mom’s medicine cabinet to see what she had in there ‘just in case.’ Diet pills are all pretty much just laxatives and diuretics, but there are some that have other stuff in them too. The kind you’ll usually find over the counter fit in those categories, and I guess Mom used them occasionally when she was dieting. So, I started using them pretty liberally. I’d take a few before every meal, and I cut my calories back to the minimal amount needed to function. My plan was to shed all my excess weight and then focus on building muscle once the fat was gone.” Austin folded his arms and sighed.

  I squeezed his hand when he paused, reminding him I was there when he was ready.

  “The thing is, laxatives don’t actually do anything to help you lose weight. All they do is speed stuff up once it’s already been digested. Meaning your body has already absorbed all the calories by that point. But they do cause you to lose a lot of water. So all you’re doing is getting rid of water weight, and more likely, you’re dehydrating yourself and causing serious imbalances in your blood.” He raised an eyebrow. “But then...you already know that part.”

  I nodded slowly and held his gaze. I had to admit I was glad he was opening up to me and sharing something so personal. It made me feel special, like he was finally taking the time to see me as someone he could trust. Even if it had taken a trip to the hospital for him to reach that point.

  “Here’s the thing, Kim.” Austin sighed and leaned closer to me. “I was on those pills a lot longer than you were. The thing no one ever tells you is they have side effects that go way beyond dehydration and dizziness. I lost weight, but I lost muscle too. My body became even more flabby than it had been and my skin was getting loose all over the place. It wasn’t until I passed out at training camp that my coach took me aside and told me to get help. He said I was sabotaging any chance I had to play football in the future.”

  “Then what happened?” I was asking as much about him as for myself. Where did I go from here?

  “I talked to my parents after that, and they took me to a therapist. I started eating right, tossed out the pills, and started working out properly. When Logan heard I was working out, he became my gym buddy. That’s when things started to get better. I’m still struggling to regain the muscle I lost and get back into shape, but I’m getting there. I obviously missed out on the football season, and my parents are still divorced so I have to switch back and forth between their houses.” He shrugged. “But...my life doesn’t feel so out of control anymore.”

  “I’m sorry that happened to you, Austin. I really am.” I considered my words carefully, hoping he wouldn’t take them the wrong way. “And I’m glad you’re in a better place now, but I don’t think the stuff I’m going through will suddenly go away if I stop the pills.”

  “Haven’t you been listening to me?” Austin demanded, throwing his hands up in the air. “I just said my problems didn’t go away. Everything that was affecting my life before is still affecting it. Nothing was magically solved by talking to my parents.”

  Now I was confused. What the hell was he trying to tell me? “Then what good is it?”

  “I feel like you’re just being willfully obstinate at this point,” he said with a sigh. “Like you’re intentionally missing my point because you don’t honestly believe it could be that simple. You feel like your life is out of control. Like you’re the only one who can do anything to fix it and you can’t rely on anyone around you. You’re trying to assert control over your life, but the reality is that you’re taking stupid diet pills to solve a problem you don’t even have.”

  “Are you trying to make me feel better?” I scoffed. “Because right now, I can’t tell.”

  “No, Kim. I’m not trying to make you feel better,” he said, looking me right in the eye. “I’m trying to tell you how you can stop spiraling out of control.”

  “Why are you even here, Austin? Liz was supposed to bring my homework. You could’ve given her my bag. You didn’t have to come.” I turned my eyes toward the window, hoping the tears forming in them wouldn’t fall.

  “Why did you call me the other night?” he asked for the millionth time. His tone was even and completely calm, like he wasn’t the least bit upset by anything I’d said.

  I turned back to him and whispered, “Why are you bringing that up now?”

  “Just answer the question.”

  “I alread—”

  “Please, Kim, don’t lie to me. We both know that’s not why you really called.”

  Even though I didn’t want to see it, the sincerity in his eyes made my heart tighten as my barriers slowly dropped. Austin Walker had worn me down, but despite our shared experiences with diet pills, I sincerely doubted he was ready to deal with the rest of the baggage in my life.

  “I haven’t told anyone the whole story in a very long time,” I said after a moment. “I think Liz is probably one of the only people I’ve shared it all with, and we don’t talk about it often. But, the other night, I had a nightmare...about my sister.”

  “Your sister?” Austin asked softly.

  “Her name was Kiley.” I swallowed hard and swiped the one tear that trickled down my cheek. “She was a year and a half younger than me with bright blue eyes, curly blonde hair, and a laugh that made everyone smile. I remember everything about her so clearly even though I was so young too. Her little cherub cheeks and her round little nose...” My voice trailed off as I thought about the two of us playing peek-a-boo on the floor of my parents’ bedroom. She loved when I covered my face and reappeared.

  “I was three when it
happened.” I took a deep breath and forced myself to continue. “We were taking a bath together, playing in the water and having a great time. She had this little whale toy that would spout water if you pushed a button. It made her laugh so much…” I could already feel my throat beginning to tighten as I spoke. “My mom was there with us, but she got a phone call. I don’t remember who it was exactly, but it was important, so she left the room to answer the phone…”

  “Kim, you don’t have to keep going,” Austin said as I trailed into silence.

  “No, no…I think I need to.” I looked up at him and smiled. “Besides, you started this.”

  “When you’re ready.” He held my hand and squeezed it reassuringly. “I’m listening.”

  Now that I’d started, I needed to get this off my chest, but that didn’t make it any easier. “I took Kiley’s toy from her. I was just playing a game, holding it out for her and then pulling it back before she could grab it. She would squeal and laugh and grab for it. Then...as she grabbed for it, she fell forward into the water and...I remember her splashing and blowing bubbles. I laughed because I thought she was playing.” I clutched Austin’s hand as tightly as I could and tried to force the rest of the words to come out.

  “I was still laughing and splashing her when Kiley stopped moving...and then my mother came back. I can still hear her screaming in my nightmares.” I squeezed my eyes tightly in an attempt to shut out the memory. “She yanked Kiley out of the water and whisked her away, but it was too late. She was dead. I killed her.”

  I looked up at Austin with tears streaming down my cheeks. “That’s how I learned what death was, by killing my baby sister. My parents have never looked at me the same after that. My dad barely speaks to me, and they hired Maddie a few months later to take over raising me.”

  “Kim, I’m so sorry.” Austin looked just as pained as I felt, and that was oddly comforting.

  “Today is actually the anniversary of her death.” I took a shuddering breath and tried to get my emotions under control. “My family usually orders take out and stays in together. It’s the closest thing we have to an annual family night. Pretty messed up, huh?”

  “You know you didn’t murder Kiley, right?” Austin leaned forward until his face was just inches from mine. “Your mother never should’ve left you two alone. You were so young. You couldn’t have been responsible for her.”

  I shook my head, wanting to believe him but still not feeling it. “I just wish I could’ve been like Suri. She’s the neighbor’s daughter, the one who screamed for help when her brother fell in. I just laughed...” Fresh tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn’t hold them back. “Why couldn’t I have done something? Anything?”

  “Isn’t Suri a lot older than you were?” Austin brushed away my tears with his thumb, cradling my head in his palm. “You couldn’t have known how dangerous it was. Honestly, I can’t believe your parents blame you for what happened. It wasn’t your fault.”

  I leaned back and studied his face. There was so much kindness, so much understanding. Every single instinct inside me was telling me to kiss him right then and there.

  But I didn’t.

  “God, Austin...” I released an unsteady breath and shook my head. “I should never have broken up with you.”

  24

  “I didn’t leave you much choice.” Austin sat back in his chair and looked away. “Besides, it’s not like you would’ve had a real relationship with me anyway.”

  “Why?” I demanded. “You keep saying that, but you’ve never told me why. I don’t understand. I don’t need sex, just you.” I was a little startled by my confession, but my emotions were still close to the surface, and I was desperate to connect with someone. The fact that I already had feelings for Austin made it impossible for me to resist.

  “I’m uncircumcised.” He said it like it was a disease.

  “So?” I couldn’t help smiling, somewhat amused by the statement and definitely relieved. If he was just embarrassed because his penis had a foreskin, that was something I could help him get over real quickly. “What’s wrong with that?”

  “Um, it’s too tight.” Blushing, he rubbed the back of his head and turned away. He wouldn’t meet my eyes as I tried to follow what he meant.

  “Too tight?”

  “Y-yeah...it, um...when I get...you know...”

  “Hard?” I ventured a guess, but he still wasn’t making sense.

  “Y-yeah, when that happens, the skin is pulled tight, and it cracks and bleeds.” He shook his head as it dropped down to his chest. “This is really embarrassing, but it hurts a lot.”

  “Every time?” I thought back to all the times I threw myself at him, hoping to get him aroused. Had I been causing him pain without realizing it?

  He sighed heavily. “Yeah, I’ve seen a few doctors about it, and they recommended circumcision to remove the foreskin, but my parents don’t think it’s a good idea. My dad insists I just need to ‘grow into it’ or something. I don’t know, it’s just... It’s never gonna work right.”

  “I’m so sorry for making such a big deal about it at the hotel. I didn’t realize that could happen...” My voice trailed off as I sat up a little straighter. “Is there anything you can do about it without surgery?”

  “I’ve got some lotion to help reduce the cracking, and it’s supposed to help the skin stay a little more elastic, but there’s only so much it can do. I’ve read some stuff online about it, and I guess it might get better eventually...but it’s been like this for so long.” He shrugged and finally looked me in the eye. “I’ve just given up on the idea of sex altogether. I was gonna try to push through the pain with you, but that dress you were wearing and the way you rubbed up against me when we were dancing, it got me so worked up so quickly...”

  “That’s why you were drinking...” Understanding dawned on me…along with another wave of guilt. “The pain... Austin, I’m so sorry...you should’ve told me. I would’ve understood.”

  “Yeah, that’s exactly the conversation I wanna be having with the girl I love on the night we’re supposed to have sex for the first time.” He snorted and looked at me sidelong.

  A lump caught in my throat. He said the “L” word. He hadn’t reacted to it at all though, so it must’ve been a mistake. He must’ve just been so caught up in what he was saying that it accidentally slipped out. We hadn’t dated for that long after all, certainly not long enough to exchange “I love yous.”

  “Instead, you passed out and we broke up.” I pretended not to notice the slip up. “I promise, if you had told me what was going on, I would’ve found some way to help you. I wanted you, Austin. I still do.”

  “Kim, you can’t be serious about this?” His shock was rivaled only by the look of hope in his eyes. “You can’t still want to be with me, even after hearing all that.”

  “Well, what about you?” I countered, turning the tables on him. “Now that you’ve heard my deep dark past, would you still want me?”

  He lapsed into momentary silence. “It’s not the same, but I guess everyone has something hugely messed up that they’re dealing with, don’t they?” He turned in his seat and took my hands in his again. “Here’s what I know for sure. When I was dating you, I was happier than I can ever remember being. At the formal, I was hurting, yes, but I was also terrified I wasn’t going to live up to your expectations. You deserve someone who can give you the world, Kim. I’m never going to be able to give you the kind of life your parents have given you.”

  He sounded like he was talking about forever, not just for now. We weren’t even dating again, and he was already planning our future life together. I liked it. A lot.

  “Maybe that’s a good thing.” I grinned and scooted a little closer to him. “Because I’ve been miserable for the last fifteen years.”

  “So what are you saying?” He kept his gaze locked on mine and the joy dancing just below the surface was apparent. “As far as things go for us. I just...I don’t want either o
f us to have any regrets about this.”

  “I’m saying...that I want to date you again if you still want me.” As soon as the words were out, a feeling of contentment flooded my veins…and my heart. “And we can lean on each other as we figure out our problems.”

  Austin gingerly cupped my face in his hand, and my heart began to race with excitement, even though the rest of me was calm. My emotional upheaval had settled down once more. As I looked up into his eyes, I was happy with my decision.

  His lips brushed mine in a questioning kiss. I responded a little more forcefully, slipping my tongue into his mouth and coaxing him to do the same. Nothing had ever felt more perfect than that kiss new first kiss.

  I wanted to melt into his arms and never come out again.

  25

  My mom came to see me after Austin left. “You’re being released tonight but you’ll need to be home for at least one more day to rest and load up on fluids.”

  I wasn’t thrilled with the way she was handling the situation, but after purging all my emotional baggage and reconnecting with Austin, I was content to let my relationship with my mother return to its normal, ice cold temperature. “Okay.”

  Mom’s shift wasn’t over so Maddie picked me up an hour later. She’d set up the sofa in the living room with blankets and pillows and put a cooler full of Gatorade nearby. I tried to at least move into my bedroom but she’d received her orders from my parents and planned to follow them to the letter.

  Thankfully, my mother’s orders didn’t include being alone so Allie and Liz came over straight after school the next day. “We need details,” Allie demanded with a sly grin on her face.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said with a laugh. It felt good to just relax and be myself again.

  “Come on, Kim. We know Austin went to see you after school last night,” Liz pointed out. “He was on cloud nine all day, but we couldn’t get anything out of him. So spill!”