“A lady doesn’t kiss and tell.” I shrugged and turned my attention back to the TV. Being coy and withholding details was my MO. Outright lying was not. I didn’t plan to go down that path again.
“Logan hinted that Austin may have confided in him.” Liz raised an eyebrow and grinned. “He wouldn’t say what it was exactly, but you and Austin apparently had a heart to heart. Cleared the air, maybe? Might have even rekindled something?” She nudged me playfully and winked.
I chuckled and took a deep breath. “Yeah, well...we realized we needed each other more than we thought. We talked about a lot of things and reconciled some of our differences. When we were butting heads all weekend, we were just torturing ourselves.”
“In all the time I’ve known you, I’m positive you’ve never dated an ex again. Isn’t that your policy?” Allie looked at me a little suspiciously. I could tell by the way the corners of her mouth tugged upward that she wasn’t really serious though. It was just good-natured teasing.
Still, her words reminded me just how abnormal my relationship with Austin was turning out to be. “Well, maybe I’m turning over a new leaf.” I turned back to the TV and brought up the guide. “Okay, enough about my love life. What are we watching?”
We picked a romantic suspense movie, as usual, but I was only half paying attention. The other half of my focus was on my phone. Austin and I were texting constantly now. I think he was worried I would go right back to the diet pills if he didn’t keep checking in on me.
I might have been annoyed if he hadn’t been so sweet about it. Given what we’d just gone through, the things we’d shared with each other, we both needed someone to be emotionally available for us. My dating history was riddled with bad decisions, so I felt adequately qualified to say with one hundred percent certainty that Austin was being genuine with me.
That alone went a long way toward healing the hurt in my soul.
After our movie, Liz insisted on tutoring me through the algebra homework I’d missed and Allie helped with biology. We spent a few hours studying before the front door burst open, and the boys made their appearance.
Even though we’d all just spent the entire weekend together, it felt like a lifetime since I’d seen them. Especially Austin. He slid onto the sofa beside me and pulled me into his arms. My lips met his and my heartbeat quickened. His kisses were warm and sweet and touched something deep inside me that had been neglected for far too long.
Still, there was that nagging in the back of my head. The knowledge that things couldn’t progress much further than this without making life difficult for Austin was something I worried about.
From what my web research revealed, Austin’s dad was right. He would most likely grow out of his condition eventually as long as he kept applying the cream he’d been given and massaging the skin so it would loosen up and not be so constricting. In time, the pain would go away, and he’d be able to have sex just like any normal person. I’m not sure why he thought he needed to completely swear off sex and resign himself to a life of celibacy. It seemed Austin was a bit more over dramatic than I would’ve guessed.
Thankfully, he had me to set him straight.
Unfortunately, we had a room full of our best friends around us, so we couldn’t exactly have that conversation now. I’d have to save it for a later date.
After a roaring debate, we picked a movie and everyone settled in. Austin and I were cuddled up on one end of the couch. Liz and Logan next to us. Adam and Bryant weren’t exactly cuddling, but they were holding hands and sitting with their legs touching. Baby steps and all that. I felt a little guilty about Allie sitting on the floor by our feet, all by herself. But she didn’t seem to let her single status bother her, so I didn’t worry too much about it.
Half-way through the movie, Maddie returned from shopping and brought Chinese take-out for everyone. As my friends swarmed the kitchen and grabbed plates, I hung back a little with my arms wrapped around my torso.
After everything I’d gone through the last few days, was I really going to undo all that progress? Obviously, I’d gone about it wrong, but I’d still managed to lose a lot of weight. Could I really just eat all that food and be okay with it?
Before I got too lost in my head, Austin’s arms slid around me and he pulled me back against his chest. He leaned down, his lips inches from my ear so I was the only one who could hear him. “I know what you’re thinking right now. And we’re in this together, remember?”
“I don’t know what to do,” I admitted. “I don’t want to gain back the weight I lost.”
“Sweetheart, right now, you could stand to gain a few pounds.” He kissed my cheek. “There’s nothing wrong with having some meat on your bones.”
“I don’t want to get fat.”
“You’ve never been fat. And if you exercise in moderation, you can eat whatever you want without starving yourself.” He gave me a little squeeze. “Besides, there are worse things than being fat. I’ll love you no matter what shape you’re in. I just want you to be healthy and happy.”
My breath caught my throat. There was that “L” word again. It made my stomach flutter when he said it and a broad grin spread across my lips. “Really?”
“Why don’t we make a deal?” He rested his chin on top of my head. “Let’s set a goal, running a 5k or something like that. We’ll train together, keep each other honest, healthy, and in shape. You’re not gonna be able to race if you’re making yourself sick.”
He was appealing to my competitive side…and it was working. “Okay, fine. It’s a deal.”
I turned around to face him. I wanted to thank him for being there for me, but the words wouldn’t come. Instead, I was faced with all the decisions that had led me to this point. If I’d just turned to him sooner, opened up to him, let him in, I could’ve avoided all of the pain that happened in between.
“You can’t undo what’s happened already,” he said as if reading my thoughts. “Your experiences have changed you, Kim. You’ve grown and you’re a little bit different now than you were then. As long as you learn from your mistakes, it wasn’t really a waste at all.”
“That’s pretty wise, Mr. Walker,” I said with a chuckle.
“It’s something my therapist said.” He laughed and pressed his forehead to mine. “But it’s true. It’s what helped me recover as much as I have. I’m sure it’ll help you too.”
“You guys better hurry up and get something to eat,” Logan called to us from the kitchen. “I can’t keep Liz away from the spring rolls any longer.”
I grinned up at Austin, feeling more confident than I had a few minutes ago.
“I guess we’d better get in there.” Austin pulled away and offered me his hand as he stepped toward the kitchen. “Remember, we’re in this together.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I know.”
26
Life went back to normal over the next several weeks.
Well, mostly normal.
I went back to school on my second day home. No one really seemed to notice I was even gone. The rumor mill was decidedly quiet for some reason. As pathetic as it sounds, I was a little hurt that my absence hadn’t caused more of a stir. I found out from Liz that most people thought I’d just been on an extended vacation with my family. Other than Austin, no one knew I collapsed and had spent a few days in the hospital.
At least no one was talking about my diet pill fiasco. The last thing I needed was to be reminded of that ordeal over and over again.
I still struggled when it came to making decisions about food, always erring on the side of caution by taking smaller portions or just not eating. I’d convinced myself that food was the enemy, and I needed to master it or I’d completely lose control of my body.
But true to his word, Austin was there for me. He started meeting me outside my last class before lunch and we’d go through the cafeteria together. When I wasn’t in the mood to eat, he’d encourage me to try something different or to take a larger helping of p
rotein than I would normally want. He even insisted we eat dessert, no matter what.
It was terrifying, but it helped me change my relationship with food. Instead of always being afraid of it, I remembered to start enjoying it again.
His slow and steady approach, as well as his gentle coaxing, helped keep me on the straight and narrow. I bounced back to my pre-crash diet weight in no time flat. While I wasn’t thrilled with the numbers on the scale, I tried not to focus on it too much.
Instead, I fixated on the upcoming race. It was still a few months away, but I was already working on improving my times. Austin stopped by my house every morning before school, and we’d go for an early morning run to get the blood flowing. That also helped me feel less guilty about enjoying a donut and a latte with a double pump of caramel for breakfast.
Every other day, we hit the gym for some cross training. Weights and circuit training helped to build muscle in other areas. After a couple weeks of consistent effort, I was on my way to a better body than I’d ever had. I even had to buy new clothes because my body shape had begun to change dramatically.
Everything I’d been doing before, the constant over exercise, doing the same thing every day, cutting my calories to an insanely low amount, had all been working against me. Impeding my progress and making me feel like I wasn’t getting anywhere. That, coupled with an unhealthy relationship with the bathroom scale, led me to my previous breaking point.
I wasn’t cured, but I was healing.
I checked my reflection in the mirror and smiled. My outfit was simple but comfortable for a Saturday afternoon with Allie and Liz for a girl’s spa day. After being pampered, we were going shopping. Swimsuit season was just around the corner, and I needed something to celebrate the new direction I was taking my life.
“Kim?” Maddie called to me from the hallway before knocking on the door. “Are you dressed?”
“Yeah. Come in.”
Maddie opened the door slightly and poked her head in the room. “Your boyfriend is waiting for you downstairs.” She stepped into the room and began picking up dirty clothes off the floor. “He seems to have something important on his mind. He wanted to charge right up here to talk to you, but I convinced him to wait until I made sure you were decent.”
I rolled my eyes a little as I stood up. Maddie was perfectly aware of the fact that I was sexually active. She’d even picked me up from past boyfriends’ houses to spare me from the walk of shame. Still, she insisted on trying to protect my modesty. It was adorable really, and probably one of the few examples of real parenting I’d ever had.
Her arms were loaded with dirty clothes when she finally paused to look at me again. She didn’t say anything, she rarely did, but I could see the pride in her eyes. I’d changed for the better and she had noticed.
“Now that you know I’m not strutting around in the buff, you can send him up.” I giggled and turned back to the mirror to fix my hair.
“Will do.” Maddie chuckled and before leaving the room with my laundry. A few moments later, I heard Austin’s heavy footsteps ascending the stairs.
“Hey.” His voice was soft but excited as he entered my bedroom.
“Hey yourself,” I said with a smile. Seeing him always helped me relax a little. He was like a big solid rock I would always be able to count on. We still hadn’t had sex, but the longer we were together, the less that seemed to matter. We had each other, and his presence alone was enough to soothe me. I still wanted him physically, and I hadn’t given up hope that we would eventually be together like that, but for the time being, I was happy with the way things were.
“How’re you doing?” he asked as he hovered awkwardly in the doorway. I got the sneaking suspicion he’d never actually been in a girl’s bedroom before.
“Good. Really good actually. I’ve got that spa thing with Liz and Allie today. I wasn’t expecting to see you until later, but I’m glad you stopped by.” I grinned at him.
Austin stood and stared at me in silence for a moment. His eyes scanned me from head to toe, taking in every inch of my body.
“If you keep staring like that, I’m going to get self-conscious,” I told him as I averted my gaze.
“S-sorry,” Austin said quickly. “It’s just...I can never get over how beautiful you always look.”
“You’re so full of it.” I laughed and held my hands on my hips. “You’re just saying that to try and get me in a good mood. I don’t even have any makeup on.”
“No, I’m not really.” He took a tentative step closer to me. “You’re beautiful. No matter what you’re wearing, makeup or no makeup, awake or sleeping, you’re always beautiful to me. You could have chicken pox, a fever, and pink eye, with your hair matted and sweaty on your forehead, and I’d still think you were the most beautiful thing I’d ever laid eyes on.”
I laughed at his graphic description, but on the inside, my stomach tightened and my cheeks grew warm. He was laying it on a little thick, but my ego was enjoying the attention so I didn’t stop him. Even if the picture he painted was a little embarrassing. “So, why are you here anyway?” I asked, trying to steer the conversation away from me.
“Well...actually…” Austin cleared his throat. “I wanted to talk to you...about your parents.”
I felt my chest tighten at his words. This couldn’t be good. “What about them?”
“I’ve been talking to them a little.” He wrung his hands together and bit his lip. “I don’t want you to think I’m betraying you or anything like that, but I know your relationship with them is strained at best.”
“Please tell me you didn’t try to reconcile us.” I dropped heavily onto the foot of my bed. “That ship has sailed eons ago.”
“Well...not exactly.” Austin took a few more steps into my room. “When I came to the hospital to see you, I ran into your dad. It was after we talked and he was in the hall outside your room. He looked uncertain about whether or not he wanted to go in, and I felt bad for him.”
“Why didn’t you mention this before?” I was trying to stay calm, but it wasn’t easy.
“Just, let me explain,” Austin insisted. “I know I should’ve said something, but your dad asked me not to. He said he needed time.”
“Time for what?” I demanded. The entire conversation was really starting to piss me off.
“Look, I don’t know exactly.” Austin held up his hands defensively. “All I know is that you and I had just rekindled our relationship, and suddenly your dad was there talking to me. After what you told me about the way they treated you when you were growing up, I was skeptical, but I wanted to find out just what kind of man he was, so I listened to him.”
I flopped back on my bed, unable to believe he did that.
“He took me to his office, and did you know he’s got about a million pictures of you on his walls? Every trophy you’ve ever won, every ribbon, every achievement, and he can list them all off the top of his head.”
I shook my head in disbelieve. “N-no, my parents never gave me the time of day. I went through a dozen different sports, and they never told me they were proud or did anything to encourage me.”
“You never told me you had braces.” Austin grinned. “You were adorable in the soccer jersey. Was that middle school?”
Okay, so maybe he had seen some pictures of me when I was younger. That didn’t change the fact that my parents hadn’t given any indication of their support. “Having a ton of old photos doesn’t change anything,” I countered after a moment of silence.
“No, it doesn’t.” Austin nodded and sighed. “But after talking to your dad for a while, I realized that maybe he isn’t such a bad guy. So I asked him why he stayed out of your life all this time. All he said is that it was complicated and he needed time before he was ready to answer that question.”
“Of course he does,” I scoffed and looked away. “So why tell me all this now? Did he finally decide he was ready to tell you everything?”
“No, he didn’t.�
� Austin approached the bed and knelt on the floor in front of me. “But...I don’t think it matters.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I just...it hit me this morning.” He smiled up at me like an epiphany had just struck. “Your parents have had fifteen years to figure this out. They owe you an explanation or two.”
“Austin, I really appreciate whatever you’re trying to do, but my life operates just fine with the bare minimum of parental interaction,” I said, doing my best to hide my annoyance. “I don’t need to start picking at scabs now.”
“Babe, your parents have made a lot of mistakes,” he said, seeming to pick his words carefully. “I think they’re so buried beneath those mistakes that they’re not even sure how to get back to a normal relationship with you.” He shrugged, trying to get me to understand. “You said you want your kids to grow up in a loving family where they never have to wonder about whether or not they’re wanted, right?”
“Yes, but that has nothing to do with my parents.” I glanced at the clock on my nightstand. I needed to start getting ready soon.
“Of course it does,” Austin insisted. “Your parents will be our kids’ grandparents.” He stopped short when he realized what he said. His eyes bulged and he quickly tried to walk it back. “I mean, your kids. Your parents with be your kids’ grandparents.”
“Austin Walker, is that your way of saying you wanna be my baby-daddy?” I teased before leaning forward and kissing his forehead.
His face turned red, and he seemed to be a little tongue-tied. It took him several tries to get this train of thought back. “L-look, all I’m saying is you’ve got nothing to lose, right?”
“I could lose a perfectly civil, nonverbal relationship with my ice-queen mother and absentee father,” I said with a laugh.
Austin frowned at me, and I felt my heart melt a little.
“Fine.” I blew out a deep breath. “I don’t know why this is so important to you, but I’ll try to talk to them if it’ll make you happy.”
The Outside Series - Complete Trilogy: Books 1-3 Page 24