He smiled and leaned in for a kiss. “Great!” The happiness in his expression didn’t make sense. I’m not sure why he was so concerned about it when I wasn’t, but I let him have this victory. “I don’t think you’ll regret it.”
27
My parents always came home on Saturday night so they could eat a home cooked meal together. They also claimed it was so they could check on my report cards and get an update on how things were going in my life. When I was younger, I actually believed them. It wasn’t until I reached middle school that I realized they didn’t care at all. Our dinners were just a pantomime of what they probably thought parental interest should look like.
I’d stopped showing up for Saturday night dinners a long time ago.
Tonight, however, Austin was with me, and somehow I’d let him talk me into trying to reconcile with them. Personally, I gave up hope of having a normal relationship with my parents a long time ago. The only reason I was going along with this was because Austin seemed to have his heart set on it. I knew they would probably wind up disappointing him, just as they’d disappointed me all these years, but he needed to see them first hand.
I walked into the kitchen and leaned over the counter. “Austin and I will be home for dinner tonight.”
Maddie stopped chopping long enough to look up at me. “That’s great. Your parents will be happy to see you.”
I scoffed. “Yeah, well, we’ll see.” Maddie was the one person who understood my situation completely and yet she never spoke badly against my parents. She stuck to her role as hired help and never overstepped those boundaries.
Before dinner, I put on one of my new dresses and did my hair perfectly. The spring dress I chose was knee length with a floral print and spaghetti straps. It hugged my body in all the right places, and I knew Austin would be proud of me wanting to show off all the progress I’d been making at the gym. It had been a while since my reflection had instilled confidence in me, but as I stood there, I felt fierce.
Austin was waiting for me in the dining room when I got downstairs. He and my father were engaged in a conversation about some recent sports game they’d both seen on TV. I couldn’t recall the last time my dad and I had talked about something that interested both of us, and I had always assumed he didn’t really care for sports.
Mom emerged from the kitchen at the same time I did. She was carrying a wine bottle in one hand and a bottle opener with the other. Her eyes latched on to me as soon as she noticed me. As usual, I couldn’t read her expression. I imagined it was full of resentment and disappointment, but I had seen so little of her emotions over the years that I really wasn’t sure. “To what do we owe the pleasure?” my mother asked as her gaze flicked between me and Austin.
“Mom, Dad, I wanted you to get to know my boyfriend, Austin,” I said, projecting confidence as I wrapped my hand around his hard bicep. “We’ve been dating for a few months now, and I figured you should officially meet in a more formal setting.”
I decided to leave out the part about us breaking up for a little while and then getting back together again. They didn’t need to know about all that just yet. I also skipped over dad’s previous introduction to Austin. He didn’t know I knew about it, and for whatever reason, he seemed relieved when I introduced Austin as if he were a stranger.
“I see.” My mother raked an appraising eye over Austin as she twisted the corkscrew into the wine cork.
“Austin was just telling me about his aspirations.” My dad seemed far less dour than my mother. In fact, he appeared downright chipper. I couldn’t remember ever seeing him like that before. “He plans to become a massage therapist.” My father walked to Mom’s side, speaking directly to her before looking back at me. “I was just telling him about a chiropractor I know who works with a lot of celebrities. Their therapists make a pretty penny, though a big part of it comes from their discretion. Gotta keep your mouth shut in a job like that.”
“Dad, that sounds really cool,” I said, getting caught up in the moment.
“It is.” He nodded and eyed Austin. I could see the unmistakable glimmer of approval in his eyes. Finally, I had done something right. “Tell you what, Austin. Do well in school, and I mean really well, and I’ll make the introductions for you. But you’ve got to earn it. I need to be able to recommend you without reservation, understand?”
“Y-yes, of course, Mr. Curtner.” Austin looked up at me a little baffled. My dad was already blowing my expectations out of the water. I was half tempted to check the back of his neck for a zipper.
“Technically it’s Dr. Curtner,” my dad said with a soft laugh. “But you can call me John. You’re the first boy Kim has ever deigned to bring to a family gathering, so you’re practically family at this point.”
I could almost hear my mother rolling her eyes as she poured her glass of wine.
I ignored her and took a seat at the table beside Austin.
Throughout dinner, my father chatted with us pleasantly. His demeanor was completely different from what I had come to expect from him. I was almost certain the change was due to the fact that Austin was present. I didn’t believe he would’ve been this pleasant if it was just me at the table.
My mother barely said two words. Instead, I watched as she drained the bottle she’d opened before we even finished the main course.
“Marjorie...” My dad addressed my mother with a warning in his voice as she rose to take her empty wine bottle back to the kitchen. “Please...”
I’d never seen such desperation in his eyes before. What was going on with them? I’d always assumed my parents were united in pretty much everything they did. They always agreed on everything when I was younger. I hadn’t bothered to ask them for much in a long time, so I’d never had the opportunity to see them really disagree on anything before.
After dessert, and my mother’s second bottle of wine, the four of us moved into the living room.
“So, Kimberly...” My mother was surprisingly sober for someone who had been drinking so heavily. “Why don’t you tell us what’s really going on here?”
“Marjorie, don’t… Can’t we just enjoy this evening, please?” My dad reached across the gap between their chairs, but she knocked his hand away.
Mom rolled her eyes as her gaze clamped on to me. “Since when, in her entire life, has Kim decided to have dinner with us when she didn’t want something? Last time we spoke, she made it perfectly clear that she didn’t give a damn about us and what we’d gone through.”
My expression darkened. I was used to my mother’s silent inability to show affection for me, but her outright hostility had caught me off guard. “Why should I?” I jumped into the conversation before my father could say anything. “Why should I care about what you’ve had to deal with? All you’ve done, every day for the last twelve years, is make me feel guilty and responsible for what happened to Kiley. You’ve saddled me with that burden and forced me to carry it for as long as I can remember. Everything that’s happened in this family is because of that day. Because of what I did, you’ve never once given me a chance to gain your forgiveness.”
“What?” My mother’s face contorted in confusion. “You think I’ve been trying to make you feel guilty? Why would I do that? You were three.”
I recoiled slightly and my gaze drifted between both of my parents. They both seemed baffled by my statement. “If you don’t blame me for what happened, then why the fuck have you hated me for my whole life?” I clutched the edge of the table as I spoke. “Why has Maddie been the closest thing I’ve had to an actual parent in my life? Why haven’t either of you shown the slightest bit of interest in me or my life?”
“Kim...” My dad was speechless as he exchanged a pained expression with my mom. A silent conversation seemed to pass between them that I didn’t quite understand.
“You’ve been pushing us away your entire life.” My mother slumped back in her chair, almost defeated. “As soon as you went off to school for the first time, you
started erecting barriers between us. You’d yell if we tried to ask about your day, you’d scream and throw fits if we made you eat dinner with us, you were a hellion. So, we gave you your space.”
I felt like she’d just slapped me across the face. “You’re blaming me for this?”
“All we wanted to do was make you happy, honey.” My mother didn’t even look me in the eye, her gaze fixated on her empty wine glass as she swirled it forlornly in her hand. “That’s why we didn’t give you any hard and fast boundaries. As long as you were healthy and happy, we tried to stay out of your way.”
My gaze shifted to my father. My entire argument against her felt like it had been ripped out from under me. This wasn’t the way I had expected this conversation to go, and I needed time to prepare a counter attack so I could defend myself.
“Sweetheart, no one’s blaming you for anything,” my father said as he sat up a little straighter. “There’s never been a ‘you versus us.’ We’re your parents, and all we’ve ever cared about is giving you a life where you can be whatever or whoever you want. All we’ve ever wanted was your happiness...”
“And all I ever wanted was for my parents to act like they actually gave a shit about me,” I blurted. “You’re telling me that all your absences, the lack of empathy, the lack of guidance, the lack of any parental support at all has been because you care about me?” My blood was boiling as I clenched my hands into fists. “Maybe I was a little brat when I was younger, but guess what? Little kids are brats sometimes. Especially when their only sister dies right in front of them, and their parents suddenly seem incapable of loving them anymore.”
I made the mistake of looking into my mother’s eyes and saw a sorrow there that I hadn’t been expecting. “I’m sorry,” she said at last. “I didn’t know you blamed yourself for what happened to Kiley. I thought... All this time, I thought you blamed me. I know I did. I never should’ve left you two alone...and...after losing her, all I wanted was for you to grow up and experience everything she would never be able to.”
I couldn’t breathe as my mother spoke. This was probably the most sincere she’d ever been when talking to me, and I didn’t know how to react to it.
“Maybe we were a little too hands off,” my father added after a moment. “To be perfectly honest, losing Kiley put a lot of strain on our relationship. There were a few times when we almost threw in the towel. We tried to shield you from that as much as possible, so we let you do as you pleased and we hired Maddie to make sure you got the care you needed. It’s been a long road back for us, and...in a lot of ways, we still haven’t healed from that loss.”
He looked over at my mother who had gone back to contemplating her wine glass. Slowly, I felt myself beginning to understand. My mother had spent the last twelve years blaming herself for Kiley’s death. She thought I hated her, blamed her for it, and now that I was really looking at her, I realized she wasn’t as perfectly put together as I had thought.
In fact, she looked almost threadbare.
I swallowed hard. “Mom, why didn’t you say something?” All those times when she dragged me out shopping or to the spa and she never said a word about any of this. There was only a thinly veiled annoyance in her words and a complete lack of empathy for me and my life. At last, that was how it had seemed at the time.
“I didn’t want to bother you, Kimmy,” she said, forcing a smile as she looked at me. “You’re so grown up, but you’re still my baby girl. You shouldn’t have to worry about stuff like this.”
“So earlier...at the dinner table...” I let the sentence hang in the air.
“We had been having a bit of an argument,” my father admitted. “We assumed you wanted to talk about something like this. You hadn’t joined us for dinner in a really long time, so we guessed you were finally ready to discuss the...difficulties in our family dynamic. Your mother wanted to continue shielding you from what she and I have been struggling with all this time. I suggested we tell you everything.”
“Like a child, I protested his argument by drinking too much.” My mother held up her glass with a sour laugh. “Of course, Maddie’s been cutting the wine with juice again to keep me from going overboard.” She sighed and set the glass on the end table beside her. “That woman is a saint. She’s helped me stay sane and kept me from making a lot of rash decisions over the years.”
“What are you talking about?” I frowned at them. “You guys weren’t...you weren’t going to get divorced, were you?”
“It was a possibility for a while.” My father twirled a coaster in his hand, staring at it like it was made of gold. “I was even sleeping in the guest room for a few years. Slowly but surely, we’ve worked our way back on to equal footing, but it’s been rocky.”
“Our marriage counselor said the majority of marriages don’t survive the death of a child.” Mom folded her hands in her lap and looked over at my father, smiling softly. “I’ve always been the sort of person to defy the odds.”
“How did I not know any of this?” I felt completely deflated. I had known going into this that my parents were practically strangers to me, but I hadn’t expected to discover just how much they’d kept hidden. “The ski trip every year, Kiley’s anniversary, my birthday, all that stuff never changed.”
“It was the only thing we agreed on at the time.” My dad chuckled quietly. “We didn’t want our squabbles to disrupt your life.”
“And now...” My mother sighed and shifted her gaze to Austin. “You’ve found a handsome young man that you’ve decided to bring to meet the family. He hasn’t run out the door in terror after hearing all this which I think is a good sign.”
I looked over at Austin and met his gaze. He’d been silently holding my hand the entire time I’d been talking with my parents. I hadn’t realized it, but his support gave me the strength to make it through this conversation without losing my mind.
“Yeah, he’s really great.” I smiled at him warmly.
He gave my hand a little squeeze of encouragement.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t a better mother, Kimmy.” My mom slid to the edge of her seat. “There are so many conversations I should’ve had with you over the years. A daughter is supposed to be able to confide in her mother. I was too caught up in my own problems, and every time we checked in with Maddie, you seemed to be doing just fine. So, I kept telling myself I didn’t need to worry about you. Then you wound up in the hospital, and I realized we’d made so many mistakes about so many things. I tried to talk to you that night, but I went about it all wrong. I didn’t mean to but I obviously came at you swinging the judgment stick. I should’ve handled it better.”
I swallowed back the tightness in my throat. I didn’t know how to handle my mother’s apology. It definitely wasn’t what I had been expecting when I made the decision to come to dinner but I was grateful to be there.
“You know...I didn’t want to do this…” I waved my hand at the room. “Have dinner here tonight, I mean.” I gave Austin’s hand a little squeeze. “I felt like, after all this time, what was the point? Austin is the one who insisted I try to talk to you guys. I didn’t want to give you the benefit of the doubt so I dug my heels in and insisted there was no way you’d change or admit you’d done anything wrong. I’m sorry for assuming the worst of you both.”
“I know it doesn’t make up for anything that’s happened, but I’m proud of you, Kimmy.” My mother smiled at me softly. “You’ve come so far in such a short time.”
“Again, it’s all thanks to this guy.” I leaned in and gave Austin a quick peck on the cheek. “I wouldn’t have been able to get through any of this without him. There are days when I still struggle, you know? But he keeps me sane.”
“Austin...thank you.” My mother looked like she was about to burst into tears.
“Your daughter is an amazing person,” Austin said, looking me in the eye and smiling. “She’s stronger than anyone I know, and she’s got a stubborn streak that’s downright infuriating sometim
es. But I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather be with. And that’s why I’m in love with her.”
28
I inhaled sharply as Austin’s words sank in. He really did love me. After a few more minutes of hanging with my parents, they excused themselves for bed and I finally had some time alone with Austin.
“So, how do you think that went?” I turned toward me on the couch so he was facing me.
“Better than I expected.” I shifted my weight too, meeting his gaze. “Much better.”
“It’ll probably take some time for things to really change, but I think it’s a good start.” He reached for my hand and held it on his knee.
I took a deep breath and look right at him. “I love you too, Austin.”
His smile was blinding as he stared at me. “I know, but I’m happy to hear it.”
Laughing, I shoved his shoulder. “You’re not supposed to say that.”
“Why not?” He laughed too. “It’s true.”
“How do you know?” I scooted closer so my knee was pressed against his hip. “Maybe I just like you a lot?”
He shook his head and leaned toward me for a soft kiss. “Nope, it’s not that.”
“And what makes you so sure?” I whispered, almost afraid of his answer.
“Because I see you, Kim. I see who you are on the inside just as well as I see you on the outside. You have different personas for other people, but with me, you’re real. You want to be around me for a reason.” He kissed me again, longer this time. “And that reason is love.”
I nodded with my eyes closed, following his lips as he tried to pull away. “I’m not saying you’re always right, but in this case, I think you are.”
He cupped my cheek with his palm and traced my lower lip with his thumb. “I’ve loved you for a long time, Kimberly Curtner. I know it hasn’t been easy to get to this place, but now that we’re here, I don’t intend on letting you go.”
The Outside Series - Complete Trilogy: Books 1-3 Page 25