“He’s not coming home,” she said with a sigh. “He said he’s studying for a test and can’t get away.”
My eldest brother, Dean, was a college sophomore living on campus. He used to come home all the time, but he and Dad had a falling out six months ago, and he stopped coming by. I didn’t know what the cause of their argument was, but I knew it was bad enough that he hadn’t talked to Dad since then. I sometimes overheard Mom on the phone, begging him to come home, but he never did.
He and I hadn’t been particularly close before, but now, we never talked at all.
He and Eric used to do almost everything together. Maybe it was the age gap, but they were always two peas in a pod. Ever since Dean decided to cut us all out of his life, Eric’s behavior had gotten worse. He was twelve years old, and there were times, like tonight, when he acted like a little kid again. He blamed Dad for the whole thing, and all that resentment and anger had to go somewhere. I just wish it wasn’t all directed at me. I couldn’t risk being exposed because of his antics.
Dad came home and promptly handed down Eric’s punishment. By day, my dad was a programmer with a master’s degree in computer science. Something as simple as shutting all Eric’s devices out of the WiFi was trivial for him. Eric still had his mobile data, but my parents had intentionally refused to switch to an unlimited plan for exactly this sort of situation.
They strongly believed that loss of privilege was a better method for correcting bad behavior than any alternatives. Eric was more than old enough to understand that his actions had consequences.
As we ate dinner, I contemplated what the consequences of my actions would be if they found out I had been lying to them for years.
My parents talked absently about some church event that was coming up. I didn’t pay too much attention because I had no interest. I went to church with them on Sunday mornings, but it was more to keep the peace than anything else. Mostly, I tuned out the sermons and tried to avoid any extra obligations. I wasn’t an atheist, an agnostic maybe, but not an atheist. I didn’t hate church or the bible or God, if He existed. I just...hated what some people did in the name of religion. If God really was real, then would He really condone people disowning their kids over something they couldn’t change?
Then again, a lot of the really hardcore believers, the ones who disowned their kids, probably still believed being gay was a choice.
I looked at my parents as they talked and laughed. They were pious, deeply involved with the church, but I found it hard to imagine them completely disowning me. They’d always taken time to make sure we were loved and cared for. Would they really kick me out?
I didn’t think so.
But that fear in the pit of my stomach gnawed at me. What if I was blinded by my love for them? Could I really afford to take that chance?
The constant back and forth argument in my brain was exhausting. I barely cleared half my plate before I needed to leave. “May I be excused?”
Mom raised an eyebrow as she looked me over. “Are you feeling okay, sweetie?”
I wiped my mouth and set my napkin on the table by my unfinished plate. “Yeah, I just need to get back to my homework.”
She didn’t buy it, but she didn’t try to stop me.
34
Saturday was hectic with Mom rushing to get things organized for the barbecue. The kitchen was an oasis of marinating meats and hamburger patties. Dad had spared no expense for the big five-oh. Apparently, he was thrilled by the idea of being half a century old.
Mom drafted me to set up lawn furniture in the backyard. Normally, Dean and Eric would’ve been out there helping me. Every time we had a big barbecue, the three of us would get everything set up together. Doing it by myself made me realize just how much I actually missed Dean. He got under my skin sometimes with his teasing, but he was still reliable. He’d been the one to help me when I was struggling with Algebra. Calculus was going to be killer without him around to help me.
I wanted to ask Mom what was so bad that Dean wouldn’t even talk to any of us anymore, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Whatever the fight was about, it was between Dean and Dad.
Thankfully, I didn’t have to do all the setup work by myself. Allie and Adam showed up right on schedule. I greeted Allie with a warm and purely platonic hug and a kiss on the cheek. It was partly for show and partly because I’d come to think of her as a sister. She’d done more for me in the past few months than most people I knew, and she approached the whole gay thing with complete acceptance.
Allie was pretty, and I hoped she’d find someone she deserved soon. She might not have been the kind of girl guys were lining up to date, but she was sweet and quiet. Definitely the sort of girl who would make some straight guy very happy some day. Unfortunately for her, most of the high school guys didn’t seem to be interested in sweet, quiet, “good girls.” When we first met, she had a crush on me but I was more focused on her brother. That’s how our whole charade started in the first place.
She and Adam had been raised in much the same environment I had. Their parents were devout, conservative Christians who were very active in their church. When their parents split, Adam went to live with their dad, and Allie chose their mom. It had caused a rift between them at first, and it wasn’t until after Adam and I started dating that things got better between them.
Our parents would’ve had a collective heart attack if any of them got a whiff of the truth behind our relationships.
But Adam was worth the risk.
Just looking at him made me forget all the reason why we shouldn’t be together and made me want to throw myself into his arms. Of course, no matter how gorgeous he was, I never did it. His perfect cheekbones, dimpled chin, and beaming smile had to be experienced in person to truly appreciate them. I still couldn’t understand how I’d gotten so lucky. It’s not like I was the only gay guy in our entire school. He had plenty to choose from, and I’m pretty sure any one of them would’ve been glad to be his boyfriend.
But somehow, we wound up in the same history class this year. On the first day, our eyes met from across the room, and I felt like my heart was about to explode. In a rare bold move, I grabbed the desk beside his and slowly got to know him. We low-key flirted for the first few weeks, both testing the water and judging each other’s interest. I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
Finally, he cornered me in the school library one afternoon when we were supposed to be researching a paper, and asked me out. I was so terrified, I ran out without saying anything. I spent the next week avoiding him, even switching seats so I wouldn’t have to sit next to him in class. But he didn’t give up. Every day, I’d find a note in my locker, asking me to go out with him. Every time I saw one of those little pieces of paper, I felt like my chest was going to burst.
After a week, he left one final note telling me that if I wasn’t interested in him, all I had to do was not meet him behind the school that evening. He promised to back off, and we could go back to the way things were before.
The only problem was…I didn’t want that.
When I read those words, I realized I didn’t want to lose what little connection we had. I wanted to explore it, pursue it, learn more about it. It was all so new to me and that’s exactly what I told Adam when I met him behind the school that evening.
And that’s how Adam became my first boyfriend.
Things were a lot harder back then. We didn’t have Allie to hide behind, so all our interactions were hidden. We were just friends. We hung out and talked, but we couldn’t do much more than that. The life of a closeted gay couple was harder than I could’ve imagined. And since we both lived with parents, it wasn’t like we could pack up and run away every time we wanted to see each other.
But our plans to go out of town next weekend gave me hope. I just didn’t want to have to rely on these rare and expensive trips in order to be affectionate with one another. I wasn’t sure our relationship would survive that. We were living through all t
he worst parts of a long-distance relationship without the distance...or the opportunity for phone sex.
Sometimes, I wondered if we would have both been happier if we’d stayed single. But then I’d look at his fine ass while he bent over to pick up something, and my breath would catch in my throat. As miserable as I was, there was no way I could let him go.
The three of us set up chairs, tables, and all the rest of the lawn ornaments that had been shoved in the shed since the end of last fall. Mom was thrilled when she came outside to check on our progress. She insisted on taking a picture of us to commemorate the moment. I stood on Allie’s left while Adam stood on her right and we each put an arm around her. Our hands met out of sight behind her back, and our fingers interlaced. Adam gave me a little squeeze, and I squeezed him back. It wasn’t much, but it was the most physical affection we’d shared in a long time.
After mom snapped her pictures, she dragged us indoors to get the food.
Guests started arriving in a steady stream just as my dad got back from an emergency run for more propane. He started up the grill and got it heated while chatting with friends as they arrived.
My parents lived to entertain. They were gregarious people who loved being surrounded by friends…and people loved being friends with them. Once summer rolled around, we’d be having one of these big cookouts every other week.
The gregarious gene skipped over me.
I wasn’t particularly outgoing, though I wasn’t really sure if that was because I was an introvert or because I was terrified someone would figure out my secret just by being close to me. I was probably being paranoid, but I couldn’t help it. Every single one of the people in my parents’ backyard wouldn’t have hesitated to judge me and destroy my life. Whether or not my parents did disown me, my life would never be the same once my secret was revealed.
I hung around the outskirts of the backyard, keeping close to Allie and Adam for most of the party. No one else at the barbecue was close to our age anyway, so we didn’t look too out of place. Allie told us some story about the kids she babysat on the weekends, but I wasn’t really listening. My gaze kept drifting over to Adam, and my mind kept wandering to all the things I wanted to do with him. Even imagining something as simple as walking down the street hand in hand sent shivers down my spine.
Aside from my paranoia about being outed just by being around other people, the afternoon passed by pleasantly. We rang in my dad’s fiftieth birthday with cake and candles, and as the sun set, people began saying their farewells and heading home.
Before long, it was just my parents, Adam, Allie, and me. Eric had locked himself in his bedroom a few hours earlier, and that was fine with me.
Mom headed inside to begin washing dishes while Dad helped her with the leftovers. There was enough food left to keep the four of us fed for a week.
Allie went in search of garbage bags while Adam and I began cleaning up the backyard. We were alone together for the first time all day and yet, fear wouldn’t let me get too near. Dad or Mom could walk out into the backyard at any minute.
“This was nice,” Adam said at last. “Everyone seemed to have a good time.” He grabbed one of paper grocery bags we’d been using for garbage and was tossing empty cups and plates inside.
“It could’ve been better,” I said without thinking. Our eyes met and he knew what I meant. “Mom could’ve used more candles. She’d been planning on using fifty of them instead of the numbered ones, but by the time we got halfway through lighting them, the first row was almost half gone.”
“I was wondering what was taking so long.” Adam laughed.
Idle small talk.
That’s all it was. That’s all it ever was.
No innuendo, no flirting, nothing that anyone would think was out of the ordinary. Nothing of any substance at all. Empty. This was never going to be enough.
35
The next week of school passed in the blink of an eye. We were heading into Spring Break, and I was excited about it for once.
Adam had made arrangements with his friend, Liz and her friend Kim, to work up a story about another group trip to get Spring Break started with a bang. Allie was even planning to spend the weekend at Kim’s house to help sell the story. The risk of either of our parents trying to get in contact with us through our friends was remote, but we didn’t want to leave anything to chance.
We left as soon as school let out on Friday and headed toward one of the major tourist hubs along the coast. Adam had booked us a room in a nice hotel just off the boardwalk where there were all kinds of shops and things to do. Adam didn’t have a car of his own yet so he borrowed Austin’s car for our little trip. At first, I was surprised our friend would lend him a car, but when I saw how comfortable Adam seemed behind the wheel, I understood.
As soon as we were out on the open road, I breathed a sigh of relief and sank back in my seat. “Finally, I can breathe again.” I let my eyes fall closed and inhaled deeply.
“We need to find a safe place to spend more time together,” Adam said. “I can’t stand being close to you and not being able to touch you.”
I opened my eyes and met his gaze. “I know what you mean. I feel so conflicted whenever I see you. On the one hand, I want to be as close to you as possible, but on the other hand, I feel like I’m dying a little inside every time.”
Adam reached across the gap and took my hand in his. Without taking his eyes off the road, he brought my hand up to his lips. He inhaled deeply as if drinking in my scent and then glanced my way. “I can’t tell you how long I’ve wanted to do that.” The shy smile he threw my way was adorable. “It’s stupid, right? There’s not much to it. But...I don’t know...it’s magical.”
My blood rushed in my ears, and my cheeks flushed red. I felt my heart hammering against my ribs and my brow had become unbelievably sweaty. This was it. We were alone at last. He’d...he’d kissed my hand in public…sorta. The warmth of his grip spread up my arm and throughout my body. I felt both uncomfortably hot and blissfully warmed by his touch.
I cleared my throat and tried to find my way back to reality. I needed to get my head on straight or this was going to be a short and purely physical weekend. That didn’t sound so bad, but our little getaway was about more than just being able to touch each other. It was about exploring all aspects of our relationship. We’d barely had a chance to get to know one another in any meaningful way. Straight guys don’t ask each other about their hopes and dreams, whether or not they want kids, or what kind of house they want to live in when they grow up. This was our chance to do all of that and so much more.
Adam reluctantly released my hand, and we talked easily throughout the rest of the ride. Again, it was mostly small talk, but this time it felt more meaningful. By the time we arrived at the hotel, it was dark and the long drive had worn me out. We dragged our bags up to the third floor and Adam swiped us in. The interior of the room was luxurious, definitely expensive, but worth every penny. It had a sweeping view of the beach that I was sure would look lovely as the sun was setting into the ocean.
“Separate beds?” I looked at them quizzically and then looked back at Adam.
He shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck and averting his gaze. “I didn’t want to make any assumptions. You didn’t feel comfortable sharing a bed last time, so I didn’t want to pressure you into something you weren’t ready for.”
All my nerves seemed to prickle at his words. My stomach fluttered as if it were alive and a tingle of excitement ran through my groin. My breath caught in my throat as I tried to talk, and I wound up coughing and spluttering as my heart pounded a mile a minute in my chest. “I...I honestly don’t know what I’m ready for.” I held his gaze as I made myself vulnerable to him. “I’ve never...done anything.”
Adam slowly stepped toward me, and my entire body trembled as he took my hand in his. Our fingers interlaced as he looked down at me with a hungry glint in his eye. He hooked a finger beneath my chin and tilted my fac
e up a little.
I was confused, excited, overwhelmed, and content all at once. So many emotions were running through me that I felt like I might pass out if something didn’t happen soon.
He brushed his lips against mine, and I put up no resistance. His mouth claimed mine as I let myself melt into him. That was what I’d been needing. We went so long between kisses that every time felt like the first. I always felt woefully clumsy in the beginning, but we quickly remembered the feel of each other’s mouths and the movements that felt so natural.
When we finally broke our kiss, gasping for air, there was a sparkle in Adam’s eye that I hadn’t seen before. He was grinning from ear to ear as he brushed his hand through my hair and cupped his hand around the back of my head.
“I’ve been waiting for that kiss for weeks, Bry...” Adam’s voice was low and thick, practically purring.
“Me too.” My voice, on the other hand, sounded like the squeaky wheel on a shopping cart. I winced at the sound of it. “W-was it everything you were hoping for?”
“And more.” Adam kissed me again before dragging his lips to my ear. “What about you? Did I live up to your memories?”
“Definitely.” I nodded and winced again as my voice cracked. Apparently, nerves made me sound like I was hitting puberty for a second time. Here I was, looking up at a smoldering hot guy who clearly wanted me in every way imaginable, and being about as sexy as a potato in stilettos.
Adam picked up on my nerves and held me against his chest. “Don’t worry about anything, babe. We’ll go at your pace. Whatever you want.”
I nodded into his neck, grateful for his understanding but disappointed in myself. Why was I being such a baby?
He pressed a chaste kiss against my forehead and stepped back with a massive exhale. “Why don’t you go hop in the tub? It was a long drive, and I’m sure you could use a good soak to relax.”
The Outside Series - Complete Trilogy: Books 1-3 Page 29