“Before, when I asked you about your parents, why didn’t you answer? We’ve talked about them in the past, so what’s different.” My therapist made a few notes on her notepad.
“It’s different now.” I shrugged and tried to play it cool. That definitely wasn’t something I was good at. “Before, I could pretend they just sent me to you because I was depressed. I could pretend they didn’t set all this up because they were hoping therapy would ‘fix’ me.”
“You’ve said that several times in the past. Did they ever say that to you? That they thought you needed to be fixed.” My therapist, Robin was her name, looked me in the eye and smiled. I’d been coming to see her for several years now. “From what you told me before, they don’t even know you’re gay.”
I flinched at the word and averted my eyes again. “No, they’ve never actually said it, but they’ve got to suspect. I’ve always been different from the other guys my age. My first crush was Neil Patrick Harris when I was ten. I made the mistake of telling my mom I wanted to marry him. She corrected me and said boys marry girls not other boys.” I took a deep breath and looked at my therapist again. “We never talked about it again.”
“So you don’t actually know how your parents would react if you came out to them?” Robin rested the tip of her pen on her lower lip and watched my reaction.
“I can guess not.” I wrapped my arms tighter around my torso, wishing I was wearing a big coat I could hide under. “My dad’s a big deal in our church. As a deacon, he has a reputation to uphold. That isn’t a position they give to just anyone. It’s reserved for the most devout members of the congregation who have demonstrated leadership ability.” I’d heard that party line for years and it was as ingrained in me as my own name.
“My mom’s one of the coordinators for the women’s ministry. She’s out there leading bible studies and organizing retreats and arranging guest speakers. She always has to go above and beyond the ordinary level of devotion. There are normal Christians…and then there’s my parents. The only way it could be worse is if my dad were the pastor.”
Robin sighed and folded her hands in her lap. “I’m aware of your parents’ situation. They’re conservative Christians which on the surface might indicate they’re not going to be very accepting of homosexuality. But beyond that, they’re also your parents, Bryant. From what you’ve told me about them, and from what I’ve seen firsthand, they love you unconditionally.”
I shook my head, frustrated to have this conversation again. We’d been through this twenty times before. “I’m sure you’ve heard the stories about guys like me who’ve been kicked out of their homes when their parents find out that they’re gay, right? Those aren’t all myth.”
We’d argued about this very topic in the past. Robin thought I’d be better equipped to deal with my depression if I could just address the elephant in the room. She believed the fear of my parents’ reaction was keeping me from enjoying life. She was probably right about that, but at the same time, I was a high school student. I still had two more years before graduation. If my parents decided to kick me out because I’m gay, I would’ve been homeless on top of everything else.
We went round and round a few more times. Robin kept trying to break down my walls, and I did my best to defend myself. I liked Robin, I really did. Those therapy sessions were probably the only reason I was still treading water. But she was getting frustrated with me. Every session was the same thing lately. It had been a long time since we’d made any progress whatsoever.
When the hour was finally up, I apologized for being so argumentative. Robin, as usual, told me not to worry about it, and we scheduled my next session for two weeks out.
As I stepped outside into the sunshine, I took a deep breath. The heady aroma of blooming flowers drifted on a gentle breeze. I loved being out in nature. I had a garden in my parents’ backyard that I’d spent a lot of time on over the last few years. It was my sanctuary, and I had been spending more and more time out there recently.
My mom was waiting for me in the parking lot. My chest tightened and my heart rate spiked when I saw her. Adrenaline surged through my veins as I struggled to keep my pace even and my face neutral. This happened all the time now. Every single time I encountered one of my parents, I saw myself being outed by some random passerby who had seen me with my boyfriend.
My parents knew so many people in town, there was really no safe place for me anymore.
“Hey, sweetie. How was your session?” Mom asked as I climbed into the car. She was cheery, bright-eyed, and carefree as usual. She didn’t seem like she was carrying the burden of uncovering her son’s secret life of sin.
“Good.” I buckled my seat belt and fumbled with my cell phone for a second. “It went well, y’know?”
“That’s good.” Mom sounded unconvinced, but she didn’t push it. She never asked me what we talked about in my sessions. She’d always respected my privacy which is probably a big part of why I had managed to stay in the closet for so long. If she’d poked around my computer, spied on my cell phone, or read my journal, she’d have uncovered the secret I’d been keeping beneath the surface for so long.
“I was thinking we should invite your girlfriend over for dinner tonight.” Mom patted my knee without looking at me. Her gaze was focused on her surroundings as she pulled out into traffic.
“Um, maybe. I’ll have to ask her.” I flipped through my phone and pretended to be looking up a number. “I’m pretty sure she’s studying tonight though.”
“Well, then, all the more reason for her to come over. You two can work on your homework together.” My mom looked my way and winked.
“We don’t have any classes together.” I took a deep breath and tried to come up with more excuses. Allie was my fake girlfriend, who also happened to be my boyfriend’s sister. It was weird and confusing, but she was more than willing to act as a decoy so Adam and I could date in secret. I would take Allie on a “date” and Adam would act as our “chaperone” until no one else was around.
“Come on, Bry. I’m trying to help you out here.” Mom laughed at my denseness. “It’s been a while since you guys went anywhere together. I thought it might be nice.”
“I appreciate it, Mom.” I offered her a smile while wishing she would be less thoughtful sometimes. She meant well and it only made me feel worse. She wouldn’t be acting like this if she knew the truth about my relationship with Allie. “I just think tonight is a little short notice, don’t you?”
Mom sighed and nodded. “Yeah, you’re probably right. I just wanted to set something up for you guys.”
“Allie and Adam are coming to Dad’s birthday barbecue,” I said, looking out the window at the buildings flashing by as Mom drove us home.
“It’s not the same. There are going to be a lot of people there.” Mom turned down the radio so we could really talk. “Besides, I’m a little concerned about Adam’s attachment to his sister. It seems like he never leaves the two of you alone.”
“He’s just protective.” I tried to hide my annoyance but I didn’t have a better answer for her. “Allie’s had a lot of bad luck in the dating department. He wants to make sure she’s okay. I’m sure he’ll back off once we’ve been together for a while.”
“You know him better than I do.” Mom shrugged and stopped at a red light. “I just want you to be happy, Bry.”
When I looked over at my mom, she was smiling at me with so much love. She meant what she said about wanting me to be happy. For a brief moment, I wondered if Robin might be right. Would my parents’ love for me trump their feelings about homosexuality?
When she took off again, I felt myself get rattled back to reality.
Right now, the odds were fifty-fifty on my parents kicking me out. I wasn’t about to take that bet. No matter how much my parents cared about me, some people just couldn’t change the way they were programmed. I wasn’t willing to risk everything on whether or not they could accept me.
I’d ass
umed they sent me to Robin in the first place because they were suspicious of my sexuality. If the truth came out, it was possible they would actively try to cleanse me of my sins. Not that I’d actually done anything wrong. Despite dating the hottest guy I’d ever laid eyes on, I was still a virgin. I’d never “sinned” with anyone, guy or girl. Sex was kind of a taboo subject for me. It was an unfortunate consequence of my deeply religious upbringing.
“Bry?” Mom turned to me.
“Yeah?” I looked over at her and forced a smile.
“What’re you thinking about? You look upset.” Motherly concern was written all over her face.
“I was just thinking about how much homework I’ve got to do tonight.” Lying had become second nature to me. I hated it, but it was a necessary evil.
I could tell from the look on her face that my mom didn’t believe me, but she didn’t push the subject. “I’m here if you want to talk about anything.” She reached over and gave my hand a squeeze. “I love you.”
I squeezed her hand back, feeling like my heart was going to break. All this uncertainty and second guessing was too painful. I didn’t know what was true anymore. Except for the fact that, no matter how terrified I was of them learning the truth, I really did love my parents. “I love you too, Mom.”
33
“How are you holding up?” Adam’s voice was soft, barely above a whisper. I pressed the phone to my ear and strained to hear him. He didn’t want to be overheard by his dad because his situation was almost as bad as mine.
“So-so,” I said, keeping my voice low. I sat on the floor of my bedroom with my back against the bed. My gaze was fixed on the crack beneath the door, looking for any hint of an eavesdropper. My parents had always respected my privacy. My siblings, however, were a different story. I was the middle child of three boys and my brothers loved to torment me. I wouldn’t put it past them to listen at my door and run screaming to Mom with what they’d heard.
“That bad, huh?” Adam chuckled. “I wish I could be there for you.”
“I know.” I smiled at the sincerity in his voice. Even when he was keeping things light, he was always there for me. “I keep thinking about the beach trip.”
“Me too.”
A few weeks ago, we’d taken a trip up the coast with our friends. We’d all stayed in a cabin on the beach, and for the first time, I was finally free to be openly affectionate with my boyfriend. That taste of freedom, however, had made me even more morose when we returned home.
That was probably a big part of why I had been so been so difficult with Robin lately.
Before that trip, I’d settled into a routine that I thought was enough. I was relatively happy, and I was able to maintain my illicit relationship without too much fear. Allie was great at running interference for us, always covering our tracks and keeping us from being discovered.
But now that wasn’t enough.
It wasn’t enough for me to just be near Adam when we were at school. An occasional kiss when no one was looking, shyly brushing hands as we passed one another, and sitting together when we were eating lunch wasn’t doing it for me anymore.
“I wish we could see each other more,” Adam admitted. “It’s hard to coordinate our schedules with Allie’s all the time and...call me old fashioned, but I personally would like to hang out with my boyfriend without my sister around.”
“Shhhhh.” My heart raced from his words but for a few different reasons. He was being bold, using words like that when he could be overheard. “I understand what you’re saying, but...you can’t risk getting caught any more than I can.”
Adam sighed and made a huffing sound. I pictured him collapsing onto his bed. “I know, but graduation seems so far away. I can’t wait that long to be with you.”
“We’ve got the barbecue this weekend. We’ll be able to hang out then.” Before I’d finished saying it, I regretted such a stupid suggestion. Hanging out at my dad’s birthday barbecue would hardly be different than hanging out at school. Even worse, there would be no opportunities to hold hands under the table.
Thankfully, Adam didn’t point out the flaws in my argument. “Next weekend, I’m taking you away,” he announced. “We’ll go somewhere a couple hours away. Someplace touristy with lots of people and we can blend in.”
“Can you afford something like that?” I asked with a disbelieving laugh.
“I’ve been saving up some money.”
“You said that money was for a down payment on a car.” I threw my head back on my bed. “Your dad agreed to help you buy one if you got enough together, right?”
“Yeah, but...I can always earn more.” He sounded determined and I could tell this wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment decision. He’d given this some thought. “Spending time with you is worth it. You and I have never been on a real date. I want to fix that.”
I took a deep breath. My heart was pounding, and I was consumed with guilt. I didn’t want Adam to spend all his money on me, but at the same time, I couldn’t say no to a chance like that. We’d technically been dating for close to six months, but we’d never gone anywhere alone together.
“Fine. I’ll let you take me away.” My breath caught in my throat as my eyes darted toward the door again. Was that a shadow? I couldn’t tell. I was being quiet, but I couldn’t be too careful. I got up off the floor and switched on the desk fan I kept on the dresser by the door. It didn’t move much air, but it was old and rattled loudly. I used it at night for background noise so I could fall asleep or when I thought I was in danger of being overheard.
“I’ll make the plans and talk to the others about covering for us,” Adam said as I walked back toward my bed. “I know Liz and Allie won’t have a problem with it.”
A grin crept across my face. This was so exciting. Just like with the beach trip, I had something to look forward to. A reprieve where I could be myself without worrying about who might see. I hadn’t been really comfortable enough last time we were together to do much more than hold hands and kiss a few times. We hadn’t even slept in the same room. I intended to change that this time.
“Okay.” I tried to keep my voice calm even though I wanted to squeal with delight. “It sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into this, so I’ll leave it all to you.”
“Great.” I could hear the smile in Adam’s voice. “I think the pizza is here.” As he said it, his dad called his name in the background. “I’ve got to go, but I’ll text you later.”
“Yeah, okay. Talk later.” I wanted to say more than that, maybe tell him how much I cared about him, but I was almost certain someone was lingering at my bedroom door.
I ended the call, erased the call log, and shoved my phone into my pocket before storming toward the door. In one smooth motion, I flipped the lock and yanked the door open to find my little brother standing with his ear held where the door had just been.
“Eric!”
He turned and fled down the hall toward the living room. “Mom! Eric was eavesdropping again!” I chased after him, more afraid than angry. Even if he did overhear anything, I could play it off as the overactive imagination of a twelve-year-old. I did it all the time.
“Eric, what have I told you about respecting other people’s privacy?” Mom’s voice drifted from the kitchen where she was busy cooking dinner. I slunk into the kitchen, hoping to cut Eric off at the pass so to speak. “This was your last chance,” she continued, despite the fact that my brother was nowhere in sight. “When your dad gets home, I’m having him lock you out of the WiFi for a week.”
“What!?” Eric shouted with indignation before he stomped into the kitchen. “How is that fair? You never lock Bry out of the WiFi.”
“Because Bry doesn’t misbehave.” My mother looked over her shoulder at him with a stern glare. “You were warned that if you kept trying to eavesdrop on other people, you would lose your privileges.”
“You’re just going to believe him?” Eric shot me a death glare. “He could be lying.”
I fought to keep my expression neutral, but I was dying a little inside. Mom was sucker punching me in the gut, and she didn’t even know it.
“Well, he was talking about gross stuff on the phone with his girlfriend.” Eric drew out the word girlfriend as if to taunt me with it. “It was all sorts of bad stuff.”
I blew out the breath I was holding and my shoulders relaxed. He thought it was Allie.
“And if you hadn’t been listening at his door, you wouldn’t have had to hear it.” Mom wasn’t going to let him lose sight of the fact that he was the one on trial here.
“You’re not going to punish him?” Eric folded his arms.
“No, I’m not, and if you don’t stop arguing, you’ll lose WiFi privileges for two weeks.” Mom turned from the stove to face him. “Do I make myself clear? In this house, we respect one another’s privacy. No eavesdropping, no snooping, no stalking, nothing that invades someone else’s right to personal space.”
Eric ground his teeth together and folded his arms. “I understand.”
“Good, now go get in the shower.” She nodded her head toward the hallway. We lived in a new development that was still under construction. My brother spent all his free time roaming the empty lots and open fields with his friends which meant he was always filthy. Mom was constantly telling him to hop in the shower or go wash up.
As soon as Eric was out of sight, Mom sighed and turned back to the stove. “As for you,” she said, looking sidelong at me.
I took a deep breath. I hadn’t done anything wrong. At least, nothing she was aware of.
“Could you set the table?” She smiled as she wiped her hands on a dish towel.
“How many?” I asked as I opened the cupboard and began pulling out plates. I looked over at Mom. “Is Dean…?”
The Outside Series - Complete Trilogy: Books 1-3 Page 28