Going Rogue

by Chantal Fernando

  He starts to put his clothes back on, the harsh, quick movements showing just how angry he is. I want to try and explain, make him understand, but he’s not going to listen. I can tell from the stubborn set to his jaw and the cold look in those blue eyes that in his mind, I am now the enemy. He’s obviously taken offense that I’d say something about his mom, even if it’s the truth. He doesn’t believe that she’d want to die. I guess it’s understandable, but I’ve never lied to him before, so I don’t know why he’d think I’d start right now. What would I have to gain from lying about this? It doesn’t make me look good—in fact, it makes me look like a terrible human being—so I don’t get why he’s making it out like I’ve formulated some big story.

  I let him have this, though. I am in the wrong, and what happened that day has obviously affected me so much, and yeah, I should have told him. I handled it all wrong, I froze, and I freaked the fuck out.

  And because of that, I’m now watching the man I love storm out of my apartment because he can’t even look at me anymore.

  I cover my face with my hands and cry.

  33

  He doesn’t call or message me for the next few days. I stop looking at my phone, leaving it at home when I go to work, not even bothering to check on it when I’m done. I knew it would be only a matter of time before my sister showed up, so when she barges in after work one day with her hands on her hips, I don’t even bat an eyelash.

  “What the fuck is going on with you?” she asks me, scowling. Taking in my robe, half-eaten tub of ice cream, and all-around pathetic-ness. “Oh my God, did Rogue dump you? Is that why you’re not answering your phone and you look like you’ve stopped showering? Because I will kick his ass. That bastard is going down. I’m going to fly-kick him in his too-good-looking face.”

  “Vanessa,” I murmur calmly, and licking the ice cream off my spoon. “You don’t have to fly-kick Rogue. It’s true, I haven’t spoken to him in a few days, and most likely we’re going to break up, but it’s kind of all my fault, so you can’t blame him.”

  “Bullshit.” She scowls, dropping next to me on the couch. “It is never my sister’s fault. I don’t care what you did, Zoe. I will spin it around and make it his fault, so why don’t you let me in on what the fuck happened to make you guys go from being all love-heart-eye emoji to not even talking.”

  I stick the spoon back in the ice cream tub and place it on the coffee table, turning to give her all of my attention. “I didn’t tell him that his mom came out of her coma and spoke to me before she died. I didn’t tell him that various times before this, she begged me to let her die because she didn’t want to live anymore, and when she finally did get her wish, I froze, and by the time I called the doctor, it was too late.”

  Vanessa opens her mouth, then closes it. “Sweet Jesus, Zoe. Why can’t you just cheat or something, like a normal person?”

  “Vanessa—”

  “So you admitted the truth to him and what? He’s angry and ignoring you? You did nothing wrong. You did the best you could. Do you want me to beat the shit out of him?” she asks me, tapping her index finger on her lip in thought.

  “No. No. He said that his mom never would’ve wanted to die, and that I didn’t know her, and I had no right to say these things, and all this other stuff,” I admit, feeling hollow inside. When I speak, it’s almost like I’m talking about someone else, I’m that disconnected.

  “He’s in denial about the whole thing, which is understandable. Maybe he’ll come around once he’s cleared his head?” she suggests, pulling me in for a hug. “And if he doesn’t, fuck him. He should believe what you say, because you wouldn’t make that up. And if you don’t think it’s normal to freeze in a situation like the one you were placed in, that’s bullshit. You’re only human, Zoe, and his mom put you in a pretty fucked-up position, which she shouldn’t have done, because now it’s fucked everything up. She was selfish and only thinking of herself. And dying, I guess. Anyway, what I’m getting at here is that you did the best with the cards you were dealt. She wanted to die, and who’s to say she could have been saved? She was old, with many health issues that were fighting among themselves to see which was going to win and take her out. And yeah, you should have told Rogue right away, but you did tell him when you were ready. It’s not exactly easy to blurt out, ‘Oh, by the way, your mom wants you to let her die. You’re not enough for her to want to keep herself alive.’ ”

  I never thought about it like that, but I wonder if that’s how Rogue is feeling. Does he think she should have wanted to stay around as long as possible for him? To see him and spend as much time with him as she could? Is he taking it personally?

  “I don’t know,” I say, resting my head on my sister’s shoulder. “I just know that everything was perfect, and now it’s all fucked up, and I don’t know if it’s fixable. It’s not just a small issue—this is something huge, and he’s still grieving, and my fuckup is intertwined. If I could go back, I’d have Rogue in the room with her when she woke up, not me. Then he could have dealt with that situation. It should have always been him to deal with it.”

  “Yes, you’re right,” she says to me, stroking my hair. “Like I said, this was put on you when it shouldn’t have been. This was not your problem, but you did the best you could anyway. And if Rogue is too stupid to see that, well, fuck him. You’re Zoe motherfucking Kane, and it’s his loss, because a woman like you doesn’t come around every day.”

  “A woman who kills her boyfriend’s mother?” I whisper.

  “Maybe for your next guy, pick an orphan or someone who doesn’t like his mother,” she suggests, not even batting an eyelash at my ridiculous comment. “I love you, Zoe, and you’re a good person—not a perfect one, because no one is, but a damn good one.”

  “I love you too, Vanessa,” I tell her, forcing a smile. “Thanks for always having my back.”

  “What are sisters for?” she asks, wrinkling her nose. “Now, get your ass in the shower, because I’m taking you out for dinner. A buffet, so you can binge-eat your sorrows away. You’re going to love it.”

  Considering I haven’t been eating much other than ice cream and toast, going out to eat actually sounds really good.

  “All right, I’ll go shower,” I say, standing up and heading to the bathroom.

  I turn the shower on and let the scalding water wash away my sins. I so needed this talk with my sister; I’m already feeling so much better.

  What if Rogue never comes back to me?

  I have two choices: I can either let him go or I can fight for him.

  It all depends on whether he can forgive me, and whether I can forgive myself.

  We’re on our first plate at the buffet, and Vanessa has told me that I need to eat at least three plates to make our money back.

  “Is this scientifically proved?” I ask her, my lip twitching.

  “It’s common sense, child. It’s fifty dollars a head for the buffet, so I’d say around three plates would cover that cost,” she says, stabbing a piece of roast potato with her fork. “It’s a Vanestimate.”

  “Oh, fuck, please tell me you aren’t bringing that word back,” I groan. “You’re so immature.”

  “I’m a teacher. I educate the future of this world, and I am not immature. I’m basically God,” she says, unable to keep a straight face.

  “You teach drama,” I remind her, my tone dry. “You’re just creating future drama queens like you for the rest of the population to deal with.”

  “Awww, you think I’m a queen. Thanks, sis,” she replies, smiling widely.

  Suddenly we’re joined at the table by Erin and Celina.

  “Sorry we’re late,” Celina says as she sits down opposite me. “Parking was a nightmare.”

  “No worries,” Vanessa replies, narrowing her eyes at me. “I hope you don’t mind, I invited the rest of our future all-female MC members to discuss recent events.”

  I open my mouth, then shut it. I can’t exactly say that I do
mind in front of them, but I do. I don’t want to discuss this shit over three plates of food, and not only that, these are Rogue’s friends and family, not mine. I’m surprised they’re even here and wanting to talk to me.

  “Rogue wouldn’t tell us what happened,” Erin admits to me, her blue eyes filled with worry. “We were hoping you would so we can figure out why you haven’t been around, or answered our messages, and why Rogue is in the worst mood I’ve ever seen him in since I’ve known him.”

  Well, that explains it. Rogue didn’t tell them anything, so they’re expecting some small, stupid fight, probably, but when they hear the truth, they’re going to know it’s a little more complicated than that.

  Vanessa is right.

  I should have just cheated, like a normal person.

  34

  “So she was begging you to stop her life support?” Erin asks, her eyes wider than I’ve ever seen them. “Holy shit, this is intense. Why didn’t you tell one of us? Like, that’s a lot for just you to deal with.”

  “That’s a hell of a lot on your shoulders,” Celina agrees, shaking her head. “I can’t believe she did that to you. That’s really not cool. I understand why you didn’t want to tell him—because how the hell do you just walk up to someone and tell him that?—but I think you should have when she was still alive, because now it’s like . . . yeah.”

  I know what she means. Now his mom is gone, and no one speaks ill of the dead. I’m sure no one wants to hear anything bad about someone who has passed. It’s too late. All of this has happened, and it’s too late.

  “If I could have a do-over, I would most definitely tell him after the first time she mentioned it, because you’re right, that was the only way out of this whole situation,” I say, sighing down at my second plate. “I kind of tried to pretend it never happened and hoped that she’d forget about it.”

  “No wonder Rogue hasn’t said anything,” Erin adds, clasping her hands on the table in front of her. “How do you even tell someone that? He wouldn’t want people to know that his mom wanted to die.”

  “And now we just told all of you,” I say, pursing my lips at Vanessa.

  “Well, they needed to know what’s going on,” she huffs, lifting her stubborn chin. “These guys have become our friends too, Zoe. And we’re all hoping that you and Rogue manage to sort everything out, because we love both of you, and we all saw how happy you made each other.”

  “Well, it’s been days and I’ve had no contact from him, so I think that speaks wonders,” I mutter, looking down at my hands.

  “Love has no pride, bitch,” my sister advises. “Go find him, make him listen to you, then remind him how good you look naked.”

  “That easy, huh?”

  “No, but it’s a start. Either he’s worth the fight or he’s not. Which one is it?” she asks, tilting her head to the side and watching me.

  “Of course he’s worth it,” I tell them all. “I mean, he’s thoughtful, sweet, protective, fucking amazing in bed . . . and his penis is just—”

  Erin puts her hands up. “Okaaayy. I’ll take your word for that one.”

  I grin to myself, hope filling me.

  Can I save our relationship, or has too much happened?

  I’m going to have to find out, or I’ll regret losing him for the rest of my life.

  Erin lets me into the clubhouse the next morning so I don’t need to stand outside yelling for Rogue to open the gate, because that could have gotten awkward. No one except Ace is around when I get inside.

  “Hey,” I say to him. “Have you seen Rogue?”

  “He’s outside, singing to the kids,” he says, studying me with those light eyes of his. “Is everything okay?”

  “I don’t know yet,” I say with a sad smile, heading out back, where I see Rogue with his guitar, singing to Walker and David, who are sitting on a mat on the grass, their attention solely on Rogue and his beautiful voice. I stand at the door and listen while he sings Disney songs for the boys; I eventually move closer, drawn in by him. I lower myself to the grass next to their mat, and our eyes connect and hold. I can’t tell what he’s thinking or how he feels about me being here, because his eyes give nothing away. I don’t know what he sees in mine, but I know that my poker face isn’t nearly as good as his. The song, from Moana, comes to an end, which means now is the time I have to say something.

  “Hey,” I start with, biting the inside of my cheek. “I was wondering if maybe we could talk. Or maybe I could talk and you could listen before you try to kick me out of here.”

  He puts down his guitar but doesn’t say anything else, so I decide to continue anyway.

  It’s now or never.

  He’s worth the fight.

  “I messed up. Not only because of how everything ended up but because I should have come to you and told you what your mom said to me and—”

  “She left me a letter,” he says before I can continue with my speech. “They found it in her belongings at the home. It explained . . . a lot of things. I’m sorry that she put that on you, Zoe.”

  “It’s hard to talk about with you. I know I should have brought it up again, but I didn’t want to break your heart,” I try to explain, wanting him to know why I didn’t straight-out tell him the first time she spoke to me about it. “I thought she might have just forgotten. You never know with dementia patients. They say all kinds of things. I tried to pretend that conversation never happened, it was easier that way, but I know it wasn’t the right thing to do.”

  “You handled it the best way you knew how.”

  “If you got the letter, why didn’t you come after me and try and fix things between us?” I ask him, anger filling me. I’m worth the fight too. “Or are you still upset and need more time?”

  “I only got the letter this morning,” he admits. “They sent everything to me in a box. And I have the boys until late afternoon, so I was going to come and find you tonight, but you beat me to it.”

  Oh.

  “Good,” I whisper, smiling at him from beneath my lashes.

  He crawls over to me, closing the space between us, and pulls me into his arms. I close my eyes and melt into him.

  “I missed you,” I admit.

  “I missed you too, Zoe,” he replies, kissing the side of my face. “We need to be better with our communication.”

  “I know.”

  “I love you,” he adds.

  “I know that too, Rogue,” I reply, lifting my face to give him a kiss.

  After Celina takes the boys home, he stands with me in his arms and carries me back to his room.

  Like Vanessa suggested, it’s time to remind him how good I look naked.

  EPILOGUE

  ROGUE

  ONE YEAR LATER

  I tilt my head to the side, watching Zoe as she bends over to take something out of the fridge, all the while lecturing me on things I need to get done today.

  “Are you even listening to me?” she asks me, straightening and closing the fridge with a cock of her hip.

  “I told you not to wear those yoga pants if you don’t want to distract me.” I grin, wrapping her in my arms from behind and resting my chin on top of her head.

  “I told Erin I’d help out tonight, so we can’t be late,” she continues, while I slowly start to let my hands roam. She swats me away with a melodic laugh. “Come on, Rogue. Aren’t you excited about tonight?”

  A slow-spreading smile appears on my face. Shovel, my best friend, is getting out of prison today, and we’re all giving him a Cursed Ravens welcome-back to the clubhouse. David gets to meet his father finally, and I get my best friend back. I couldn’t be happier, and I feel no guilt about that.

  “You know I am,” I say, spinning her around and kissing her.

  Everything is as it should be.

  “I can’t wait to get cuddles from Skyla.” She beams, resting her forehead against mine, referring to Erin and Ace’s daughter.

  “You’re definitely her favorite,” I
grumble.

  Zoe is one of the few people Skyla won’t cry with. Any time the rest of us try to take her from her parents, she starts to scream bloody murder.

  “I know, isn’t it great?” She grins, pulling away from me and carrying on with her tasks. After leaving the aged-care home to work in a nursery school, she’s been so much happier. I can see the difference in her, and I’m so proud of her for stepping away from all that she knew, to make a change.

  I know how hard change can be. Time has given me a chance to deal with the loss of my mom, and although it hurts, I know she’s at peace. I still miss her every day, and I visit her headstone once a week, bringing her fresh flowers. I know that she’d want me to live my life, be happy, and try and stay out of trouble.

  I’m doing all three.

  Okay, maybe I’m only doing two. But close enough, right?

  THREE YEARS LATER

  I pace the room, puffing out a breath of air. “Is it hot in here, or is it just me?”

  “Just you,” comes an amused voice across from me. “Feeling a little nervous, are we?”

  I stop and narrow my eyes at Ace, then look from him to the other men in the room. Knuckles, Prez, Shovel, and Shack.

  “It’s my one and only wedding day, I’m allowed to be a little nervous,” I tell the room, pulling at my suddenly too-tight collar. “I never thought this day would come.”

  “Neither did we,” Shovel admits, grinning from ear to ear. “But here you are, brother, with the perfect woman for you. We couldn’t be happier for you.”