The Solace of Water

by Elizabeth Byler Younts

  He found my eyes then.

  “To some it quenches a deep thirst and gives life. And to others the water is too much and brings death.” He choked a little on that last word, then cleared his throat. “But God gave us water and the water gives and gives to us—in so many ways. And Jesus promises living water to all who are thirsty.”

  His voice switched gears now and he gestured to those getting baptized. “This pond isn’t filled with special water. And those of you who are getting baptized today, you need to know that baptism is about dying. About dying to your old self and coming out of the water new in Jesus. It shows everybody here on the outside what God has done on the inside.”

  Then he waved in the first person.

  “I know your boy did what he could with Sparrow to help her— that day, I mean.” I angled my voice up to Emma on the porch and I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from letting all my emotions come out at once. My whole body full of tears now.

  She nodded but didn’t say nothing.

  “They go all the way under,” she said after the first person was finished.

  “Mm-hmm,” I said, and my heart fell down into my stomach. “All the way under.”

  The small crowd cheered when Brother Darren came out of the water with his son Moses. The boy’s mama and the rest of his family moved off to the side and threw a towel around him. Mallie was standing on the shore ready to walk in and my heart was beating so hard my eyes felt like they was pulsing. I don’t want him to go in that water.

  Malachi already stood in the pond about waist deep and I couldn’t see how he could do this after what happened with Carver. I looked at Harriet and how she patted George’s head. That boy was just picking at the grass at her feet. He got no idea what’s about to happen.

  Malachi waved Mallie toward him and he walked into the water. He put his arms out to steady himself like what he’s stepping on was slick and he don’t want to lose his balance. But he got to his daddy and the water came up to his chest. Made it hard for me to breathe.

  “What a special joy and privilege it is to baptize my son, Malachi Jr.” Malachi smiled at the boy, who smiled up at him. That boy loved his daddy. Just like with the other people he talked about Mallie making a decision to follow Jesus, and just like everybody else Mallie fairly glowed.

  Malachi raised his hand to face the sun and in his loudest voice began. “In obedience to the Lord’s command, I baptize you, my son—and brother—Malachi Jr., in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Buried in baptism.” The boy went under the water and I held my breath until he was pulled out a second later with a toothy smile on his face. “Raised up to walk in the light of Jesus Christ.”

  The small group cheered and Brother Titus raised up the song “Wade in the Water” and the clapping and singing was in full groove. The baptism had gone off and no one had drowned.

  Sparrow stood there next to Harriet. George on the other side.

  Sparrow turned around. Her empty stare fixed into a real gaze into my eyes, but the next moment it flew away.

  EMMA

  The little bird with its nest in my eaves tapped on the window. I hadn’t seen her in weeks and thought she’d left for good. The tapping continued, longer than usual. My eyes blinked open to watch her. Ever since I’d sighted her, I’d wanted the bird to be a sparrow, to take it as a sign from or about Sparrow. But it wasn’t. It was just another martin making a mud nest in my eaves. Without warning it flew away into the dawn that pushed against what looked like storm clouds in the dry spell we’d had for weeks.

  Another week had passed and this was an in-between Sunday. But even if it was a church Sunday, we wouldn’t have gone. John wasn’t ready for church or to go back to work. When we did return to church, he would have to make his confession and officially be silenced.

  John was sleeping peacefully now, but he’d been thrashing around much of the night and would still shake uncontrollably but for shorter spells. I felt a strange mixture of pride and frustration over him. He’d chosen to take this path, but I was the one who had to walk with him—again on a trail of a decision I’d not made for myself and had no control over. He’d not said another word about my lies or whether I would continue taking my herbal birth control. Or if I would ever forgive him.

  Then I heard singing. It sounded so distant I couldn’t be sure I wasn’t imagining it. I got out of bed to go outside and investigate. I ran on tiptoes through the house and when I stepped off the porch, I heard my name being sung. Over and over. It was just loud enough for me to follow the sound. When I saw Sparrow standing on the edge of the pond dock, I wondered if I was awake. I looked up to my bedroom window and I could see the mother bird flying back to her nest. Was I upstairs sleeping and this was a dream? Mist hung in the air for the first time in weeks.

  “Sparrow?” I yelled across the yard.

  She looked at me.

  Her hair was out of the usual knot she wore and it was splayed around her head like a lion’s mane. She was wearing a white nightgown, not so different from what I was wearing. The breeze picked it up and it swelled around her body. This was when I saw for the first time how dangerous the pond could be. It was larger than most backyard ponds, and John had always wished it was a baseball diamond instead.

  “I got to get Carver,” she said and pointed into the water.

  “Sparrow?” Had I heard her right? That she had to get Carver? She then lay down on her belly and grazed her hand over the water. She started singing again. “God’s gonna trouble the water.”

  “Come inside.” I tried to keep my voice light as I walked toward her.

  “I need to get Carver.” She pointed into the water again. “And Daddy said that the water brings new life.”

  I stepped closer.

  “New life,” I whispered to myself. I walked toward her, but she was still far away on the opposite side of the pond. “Carver’s not in there, Sparrow. Let’s go have some hot cocoa and we can talk.”

  “Baptism is about dying. About dying to your old self and coming out of the water new in Jesus,” Sparrow said. “You heard Daddy, right?”

  “Mem?” Johnny’s voice was behind me. “Vas ist letz?”

  He knew what was wrong when his eyes found Sparrow. When he swore I didn’t reprimand him. Sparrow seemed not to notice Johnny or care—I didn’t know. She stood. She was so close to the end of the dock I was certain her toes hung over the edge.

  “I can get to her.”

  But as soon as he said that, we watched as she got into John’s small fishing skiff, and with the oars pushed it away from the dock. She tried to row a few times, then pushed the oars into the water with a flat-sounding splash.

  “Go get Deedee—go as fast as you can.”

  And my son ran.

  DELILAH

  When I see that white boy come tearing through my yard I just about stop breathing. The children were asleep upstairs. I was still in my nightclothes. I hugged my arms around myself and felt the thinness of the fabric.

  Sparrow.

  Of course she was the first thing I thought about when I saw that boy. But Malachi said she was in her bed. Only a little bit ago, less than an hour, Malachi woke me up to tell me he was leaving to help the Carters pack up their stuff. They were moving today—on the Lord’s day—packing up before church and leaving right after. I scoffed just thinking about it. Malachi had slept in the kitchen all night to keep her indoors. Right in front of the door, he said. Sparrow had stayed home all night. So he couldn’t be coming because of her.

  But why would that boy be running at my house right now? It had to be about Emma. Something happened. I rushed to the door, but he got to pounding on it before I opened it. I thought he was going to break right on through.

  “Sparrow,” he was yelling when I opened the door. His nostrils flared out and his face was sweaty.

  “What you mean Sparrow? You can’t see her,” I said, a little irritated. “You think it’s okay—”

 
“No, I’m not here to see her. She’s in my dat’s boat—on the pond.” His words was all broken up. “Something about baptism and Carver.”

  “She what?” I started to think I was losing my mind.

  “Just come, you have to come.”

  None of this made a lick of sense—but it also made a whole bunch of sense at the same time.

  “I’ll be right back.” I left him standing on the porch in front of my open door.

  I ran up the stairs. Maybe Sparrow was still in her bed where I’d left her the night before and that boy just gone plain mad. Of course Sparrow wasn’t there. Of course she’d slipped out in such a short amount of time. It was like she planned it.

  I shook Mallie awake. I explained just enough, gave him instructions, and reminded him to behave. His bleary-eyed gaze offered up a smile. He promised, then turned over and tucked himself close to George who had his thumb hanging out of his mouth. Maybe I’d be back before they’d all wake up.

  A deep rumble sounded. Even though I knew it was thunder it felt like it came from under my feet. Like something under the ground was stirring stuff up. We ain’t had rain for weeks but sometimes the lightning and thunder came anyhow.

  I hear the boy calling for me to be quicker and I just about turned my ankle on my way back down the stairs. Johnny was bouncing up and down out of his skin. I told him I wanted to get dressed. The wind had picked up and I felt it whirl around me with the door still open. I felt almost naked.

  “There’s no time,” he said and waved me out.

  Over his shoulder I saw a storm rolling in hard and fast. It looked big and dark and all the light we got at dawn had fallen away. Johnny don’t take me needing a minute for an answer and he put an arm around the back of my shoulder and urged me out. He kept his hand on my shoulder as we ran through the yard. I was wearing slippers, at least, and that made the running a little better. But I didn’t know what I was running toward.

  Johnny took my hand to help me over the creek and helped me over anything that had fallen in the wind. The woods were so dark even with the daylight coming. But I couldn’t see no quiet yellow sun. The leaves were flipped over and rustling loud. The creek rushing faster than I ever saw. The thunder quaked and trees cracked. The storm was going to be bad.

  Emma was in the yard waiting for us.

  “Sparrow was at the dock when I woke, then she got into the boat—she’s saying something about being baptized and finding Carver,” Emma yelled over the bustling world around us.

  “She talking?” I asked.

  They both nodded.

  I looked past Emma’s shoulder and saw her. There was my daughter. I didn’t know what to do.

  “I can swim out there and pull the boat in,” Johnny said. He unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it off. He was a handsome young man and when I saw his urgency I ’spected that he did care for her—maybe he loved her even. Maybe it wasn’t just about stealing kisses—or more than a kiss.

  “It’s so deep. Can you even swim well enough to get to her?” The wind threw Emma’s voice around.

  The sky was so dark now and I couldn’t rip my gaze away from Sparrow. Her mouth was moving but we couldn’t hear what she was saying.

  “She was singing,” Emma said. “I could hear her before the storm came in. Like a lullaby.”

  She loved to sing. Before. Last year her teacher said she thought I should put her in music lessons because she could sing. We had often sung together while we worked in the kitchen or on walks, using the rhythm of the song to pace ourselves.

  But then with Carver. We all lost so much. I didn’t even know if she would ever go to school again. The burden I got over this just about bowled me over.

  Then she started yelling “Mama” over and over again. Fast and wild sounding.

  “Is she saying Emma or Mama?” I whispered.

  Emma and I looked at each other and at first I wasn’t sure myself. At this distance it could have been either. But then I knew she was saying “Mama” because that’s what Carver had yelled, she said, besides calling for her too. I tried to call back but she couldn’t hear me. She flapped her arms and I almost thought she might start flying—because my life ain’t going nothing like I thought it would, ever since Carver gone.

  Johnny was on the dock now so he could go get my girl. Emma grabbed my hand and we ran toward the dock. It was awkward, almost like a three-legged race as a child, but she didn’t let go of me. Her grip tightened—so did mine.

  We stopped together at the start of the dock. It was long and went far out into the water but still nowhere close to Sparrow, who was bobbing up and down inside the boat. Beyond Sparrow the usual clear water I’d always seen here was black and had this endless, hollow look to it. The pond had never looked so big and mean as it did now.

  When Johnny jumped in I saw that he wasn’t a strong swimmer but good enough, I hoped. Emma and I just stood there and watched, hand in hand at the end of the dock. We watched as Sparrow backed farther toward the side of the boat like she was in her own world.

  The rain started slowly at first with big, heavy drops. We were soaked through in a few minutes. I looked at Johnny struggling and then over at my girl.

  I didn’t know how she did it, but she looked into my eyes and Emma’s at the same time. We both felt it—don’t know how. We both gasped. Then she closed her eyes, put her arms out to her sides, and fell backward toward the water. We both screamed when we heard her smack against the surface and then she was gone underwater.

  Then we jumped together.

  But as soon as we hit the water our hands were ripped from each other and Emma went under. She couldn’t swim.

  SPARROW

  The water filled me up like a bucket. I got heavier and heavier and I couldn’t keep myself from sinking. It was darker than I thought it would be under the water and I kept my eyes open.

  I had to do it. For Carver. For Mama.

  But I don’t see nothing. It was too dark. I felt around, but it was real deep and I couldn’t touch the bottom and maybe not even get close. I just started swimming down underneath it all. I could hold my breath for a long time because I been practicing. This was nothing like the time I got baptized. I went in the water and back out and I felt like my skin glowed. But now I jumped in myself and there ain’t nothing glowing about it. It was just dark.

  Mama and Emma looked so scared on the dock, I couldn’t keep looking at them. I had to get into the water and do what I needed to do.

  Something grabbed my dress and I start hitting and kicking. I couldn’t see what it was, but when we got to the top of the water I saw it was Johnny. I pulled my dress out of his grip. Then he came for me again. I used my heels to kick and I knew I hit him. The rain was coming so fast it’s a wonder the pond don’t fill up and dump us out. Johnny came up and he’s got blood running down his face.

  In the distance I could see Mama in the water too. But she didn’t notice me. She looked like she was yelling herself and tried to swim, but even though I’m a good swimmer, it was hard. The rain was coming down like darts. I didn’t see Emma though. Not on the dock or in the water. Mama was having a hard time and she was yelling and thrashing around and coughing like she swallowed half the pond. Then she turned and saw me. Her mouth was big and round and I could tell she was yelling for me.

  But I couldn’t worry on that right now. I just needed to get down, all the way to the bottom, and get Carver back for Mama. So I go under.

  EMMA

  When I jumped in I didn’t think the pond could swallow me. The turbulent storm transformed the calm and even surface into an entirely different pond. I didn’t know how to use my legs or my arms. I was sinking. I could feel the bottom of the pond. The muck and clay sucked me down farther.

  I opened my eyes and looked up. I was feet away from the surface and I saw a crack of lightning skitter across the sky. Was this the last beautiful thing I would ever see? The last thing I would ever see?

  But I kicked and fought a
nd wrestled with the water and found my way back to the surface.

  Then I saw a hand extended toward me. Deedee. I took her hand.

  DELILAH

  When she went back under that black water, I don’t know what to do no more. I put my hand on the dock and held myself there and looked around for Sparrow to surface. But I kicked my feet like a maniac because I hadn’t been in water so deep since I was young—and a much better swimmer. The water was swirling around and the rain was coming down so hard now, I couldn’t see nothing.

  Finally, I saw Emma splashing and carrying on. But just when she came up she went back under. I moved toward her and put my hand out. “Emma,” I yelled a few times.

  I felt her hand in mine and I squeezed and pulled her to me and toward the dock. “Can’t you swim?”

  Emma shook her head and looked like a rag doll.

  “Why you jump in?”

  “Because I stand with you,” she yelled all ragged like.

  I knew she was telling the truth.

  “I don’t think we can save her,” I hollered.

  Our gazes darted around, looking around the pond, but we didn’t see Sparrow coming up nowhere.

  “Johnny won’t stop until he finds her.”

  Lightning flashed across the sky.

  “Sparrow!” I yelled for my daughter over and over.

  The rain came down harder. I couldn’t hear myself—how would she hear me?

  Johnny swam back to the boat to rest for a few moments. He found Emma with his gaze and I could see the fear in his eyes. He hadn’t seen Sparrow in a good long while.

  “Come on.” I waved Emma to follow me.

  We used our hands to work our way down the dock until we could stand up. Then we pulled ourselves onto the dock. We didn’t talk and I was thinking how it was because we both know we failed.