The Unforgiven Sin

by R. Twine

  ‘Hi,’ said Elian, good-naturedly. ‘Can I sit next to you?’

  I brightened up. ‘Sure.’ It was my first contact with any of my classmates in several weeks.

  She sat near me, and continued quietly, ‘I see you have trouble fitting in, although you don’t look like the shy type. After you came to our class, I couldn’t help but think I had better stay away from you, you know… I guess I’m not the only one who feels this way. Haven’t you noticed that all the boys shy away from you?’ she asked me.

  I forced a smile: I’m still just trying to get to know people and to get used to the way things are around here. Everybody ignores me because I’m the new girl. So, I’m just trying to deal with it as best I can. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to make friends here. I have a hard time making friends. In Paris, I didn’t have any real friends, either. I’m more of an onlooker, Elian, and an onlooker doesn’t have to make any commitments.’

  ‘Don’t you have any good friends?’ she asked, astonished.

  ‘I have my one and only friend, and she is like a sister to me. She studies in this town, at a lycée. We are neighbors, in fact.’

  ‘Then you are luckier than I am,’ Elian said. There was sadness in her voice. ‘I don’t have any friends at all. No one has ever liked me, since I was little… Maybe because I’m so boring. I spend all my free time reading books and playing with my pet rabbit. My parents make fun of me and tell me that I seldom laugh, but there isn’t much to laugh about, don’t you think so? I hate weekends because on weekends I’m always all alone. It hurts but I can’t help it. I’ve got nothing but textbooks. I love to study, and see studying as the purpose of my life. But I don’t have any girls as friends. Perhaps I will never even have a boyfriend.’

  ‘Don’t worry, Elian. In time you’ll get everything you’d like to have,’ I felt pity for the girl, and tried to reassure her. ‘You just have to be more confident. Besides, you’re not alone; you have your parents who love you with all their heart. ’

  ‘They cannot be a substitute for friends,’ she protested.

  ‘You can sit next to me if you want to Elian.’

  ‘Oh, really?’ she exclaimed happily. In a couple of minutes we were sitting together at the desk, discussing the collège text we’d read; we laughed merrily, drawing everybody’s attention.

  ‘Well done, Elian! You look a lot prettier next to Miriam.’ Gaitan taunted, and in a moment the entire class burst out with loud laughter.

  I sensed, without looking at Elian, that the girl’s heart skipped a beat, and she was holding back her tears as best she could.

  ‘Now what do you say to this, you smart ugly duckling?’ he went on.

  ‘Wait a minute – she’s going to look up the answer in a textbook,’ Ed took up. ‘Well, what are you going to tell us this time?’

  The class rocked with laughter. But Gaitan wasn’t going to let up.

  ‘Look here, Elian, you’ll have to see to it that beautiful Miriam is not turned into an ugly toad like you!’

  Suddenly I was totally overwhelmed by a feeling I’d never felt before; it was as if somebody had entered my body, changing me from within in the process. I got up and went slowly in the direction of where Gaitan and Ed were standing, surrounded by their classmates. The small crowd parted. Suddenly everybody stopped laughing.

  ‘Shut your filthy mouth!’ I said in somebody else’s voice, seemingly coming from as far off as Hell. I took Gaitan by the lapels with one hand, and lifted him off the ground. My green eyes glared at him, wild rage simmering in my heart. ‘Did you understand me?’

  ‘Yeah, I did!’ Gaitan stared at me, wide-eyed and shivering.

  ‘Take your dirty hands off him!’ somebody demanded from behind me in a squeaky voice.

  Somebody grabbed me by the hair, trying to drag me away from Gaitan. I let go of him, and he fell, clattering on the teacher’s desk.

  ‘Why are you just standing there staring at her? Do something!’ The scream was coming from Ella, a girl with small mouse-like eyes; she was still dragging me by the hair.

  ‘Let me go,’ I warned her, feeling my body being filled again with a supernatural power.

  In a moment Ella was flying towards the wall, with me laughing out so loud that the windowpanes rattled.

  ‘What’s going on here?’ asked a bewildered teacher entering the classroom. ‘Who was laughing in such a weird and loud manner? And what’s happened to you, Ella?’ The teacher stared at the corner of the room where Ella was sitting on the floor, rubbing her aching elbow.

  Silence fell; everybody seemed to have been paralyzed. Gaitan was the first to return to his desk, and soon everybody followed suit.

  After the lesson was over, Madame Renault entered the classroom; the headmistress’s face was twitching with anger.

  ‘Madame Kerr told me there was an incident in the classroom before her lesson. I’m here to look into it.’ She looked around slowly, giving the students a cold stare. ‘I won’t have anybody behaving in a disorderly manner in my collège. All of you know that I’m entitled to expel anybody who misbehaves. If you tell me amicably what’s happened, we’ll be able to sort everything out and smooth things over. Gaitan and Ella – come up to the blackboard, please!’ she called out.

  Gaitan and Ella got up obediently and shuffled towards her, their eyes focused upon the floor.

  ‘Well, I’m all eyes and ears,’ hissed the headmistress, giving them a withering stare.

  ‘It was by sheer accident that she fell down… and everybody thought it was funny,’ Gaitan said apologetically. ‘Aren’t we supposed to have fun from time to time?’

  ‘Ella, be so kind as to tell me how it came to be that you ended up in the corner?’ insisted Madame Renault. ‘The teacher told me you were rubbing your elbow. Why?’

  ‘She’s wrong, I was doing nothing of the kind,’ Ella mumbled.

  The headmaster approached the girl and demanded in a quiet, but threatening, tone of voice, ‘Roll up your sleeves, and show me your elbows, Ella.’ The girl obeyed, and everybody saw a big blood boil blooming on her elbow. ‘Well, what’s this?’ asked Madame Renault, pointing her finger.

  ‘It’s a bruise from yesterday,’ Ella said in response.

  ‘Well, you may keep your secret – if you want to, but sooner or later the truth will get out.’ There was a note of threat in the headmistress’s voice. ‘By the way, who was laughing so loud? It was clearly one person laughing but the laughter was heard even in adjacent classrooms.’

  ‘I don’t know who you are asking about!’ Ed interjected boldly. ‘The fact is that almost all of us laughed.’

  ‘All of you? I’m not sure about it,’ insisted Madame Renault ; the teacher saw tears in Elian’s eyes.

  Madame Renault approached the girl and said, ‘If somebody offends or humiliates you, Elian, please, let me know. And I will put things in order in no time.’ She turned round to face the class again, and said, ‘Miriam and Elian are exemplary students and the pride of Saint-Paul. And there’s one thing I want you to be aware of: I will never tolerate abuse against our best students; especially when this abuse comes from those whose academic performance leaves much to be desired.’

  I knew that in spite of the coldness coming from this woman she always stood by those who were unable to stand up for themselves. Elian was one of her favorite students; even in their appearance they looked alike. The headmistress didn’t have her own children, and she always protected those who were weaker than others.

  After Madame Renault left, all the students got up and went towards the exit. It was only “the mouse” who turned round, and grinned at us maliciously.

  ‘She’s not likely to become a friend of ours.’ Elian said.

  ‘There cannot be the slightest doubt about it,’ I agreed.

  When we were out in the street, Elian returned to the subject. ‘The change in your appearance was so shocking that I froze when I saw your face,’ she admitted. ‘Your eyes had a ghostly green
glow like in a fantasy film. I’m still impressed by how easily you lifted Gaitan off the ground! A casual onlooker might think he only weighed a gram. And “the mouse”, you pushed her away like a rag doll! She had a hard time in coming round… Do you go in for martial arts?’

  ‘No,’ I laughed in response. ‘It was my first experience of the kind. It must have been caused by an adrenaline rush in my blood. It gave me strength. This is the only explanation I can offer. I was really angry – no one should abuse anyone for no reason at all.’

  Tony, our classmate, came up to us and joined our conversation. ‘Miriam, your physical strength is amazing! I wish I were as strong as you! I’ve never seen anything like it!’ he gushed.

  ‘I really don’t know what came over me,’ I said.

  ‘Keep away from this trio – nobody wants to mess with them…’

  ‘Thanks for warning me.’

  ‘Tony’s right. Now they are not going to back off on their own. Maybe they’ll start playing all sorts of dirty tricks on us,’ Elian said.

  Tony left. Elian and I exchanged our telephone numbers, said goodbye, and went home.

  The weekend came, and Natalie looked in on me. I told her what had happened. She listened attentively to what I was telling her, then mused for a while and finally said. ‘Miriam, all the class witnessed the incident, but nobody dared stand up to you. That doesn’t surprise me in the least because the situation may well have changed for the worse: both for you and for them.’

  ‘I don’t feel guilty at all. What’s more, I myself wanted to tell Madame Renault everything but didn’t feel up to doing it because I knew in advance that she simply wouldn’t believe me.’

  ‘I wonder what the headmistress would do if they told her they had been making fun of Elian? I don’t think her reaction would be positive. I’m sure the classmates have been abusing her for quite a while.’

  ‘You’re right. Elian started crying because she felt offended and embarrassed at the same time. Well, well… I’ve been at this collège for only a few weeks but have already managed to stir up a nest of hornets.’

  ‘The situation at my lycée is no better,’ Nat said, trying to reassure me. ‘There are those who are like scapegoats. I can’t understand why people can’t just live in peace without causing problems for themselves and their neighbors. They seem to feel a constant need to abuse the weak. Miriam, I think you’ll need to be more careful. You know very well that our world is full of evil and savage things, and there are those who simply find great pleasure in somebody else’s pain, though many of them aren’t even aware of this. My father is a policeman, and it’s almost every day that he has to deal with juvenile delinquency and cruelty. Sometimes there are stories that are hard to believe.’

  ‘These are strange times we’re living in. I’m not afraid for myself, but what should those unable to protect themselves do? Sometimes a man is so full of anger that he can easily poison the lives of those around him. ’

  ‘Once I lived through a story of this kind which is still gnawing at my heart,’ Natalie said.

  ‘You’ve never mentioned it…’

  ‘I simply didn’t want to make things harder for you… Well, if you insist… It happened when I was still in college more than a year ago. There was a boy in my class called Vadim. He was so jittery that the slightest noise would make him tremble. He had no friends at all, and many, seeing his frail body, tried to insult him as much as they could. “Do you really feel sorry for this freak of a pigmy, Natalie?” my classmates would ask me. They were afraid of picking on me because they knew my father was a policeman. As for Vadim, I really felt for him; he looked so frustrated… One day I saw him crying. He was sitting at his desk writing something in a hurry. I felt that something was wrong, and came up to him, but he quickly covered the sheet with his hands. I tried to find out what had happened, and asked him if I could do something to help him. He gave me a quick miserable glance, and squeezed out a brisk “no”. The weather was fine outside; the air was hot and the windows in our classroom were kept open. Vadim got up, double-folded the letter, and handed it to me with a sharp movement of his hand. And then he said, coming from behind the desk, ‘‘You may read it if you want to.’’ I didn’t have enough time to react – he dashed to the opposite window, jumped onto the windowsill – and threw himself out of the window. I can still remember very clearly his horrifying scream. I ran to the window and, in the grip of hysteria, looked down. My frightened classmates rushed to me, asking me over each other what had happened, but all I could do was point downward with my hand… I put the letter in my pocket, and then gave it to the police who were examining witnesses. The boy died instantly.’

  ‘Did you read his letter?’ I asked quietly, putting my arm around Natalie’s shoulder.

  ‘Yes, I did…He accused his stepfather of abusing him and his mother. He wrote further on that cruelty is common not only among grown-ups, but among heartless teenagers as well. The coroner found multiple bruises on his body, but investigation into this fact produced no results. His stepfather was never convicted due to a lack of evidence. I still cannot fathom how his own mother could cover up that man and his abuses. During the trial she never confessed to any wrongdoings. It seemed to me that she had simply been afraid of him. I don’t know what their lives were like afterwards. There are people who seem to be born of the devil…’

  ‘Nat, the devil has nothing to do with this. Every human being has his or her vices. In some they are more distinct than in others. The devil can lead a man to a dangerous line, but it is a man who abuses, not the devil. Everything is rather complicated: the more questions we ask, the fewer answers we get…’

  There was a long silent pause.

  ‘I gather your grandparents went on a spree,’ said Natalie with a sigh.

  ‘Yeah, they were going to go to a restaurant and then on to the theatre,’ I said, smiling. ‘It appears that my grandparents landed on their feet in this place; neither of them would even mention Paris.’

  ‘So much the better, Miriam – it’s hard to get accustomed to a new place at such an old age.’

  ‘We are going to have veal stew for supper. Let’s eat and then we can watch a movie or a program – if you don’t mind.’ I suggested.

  Natalie didn’t mind, ‘It would be great!’

  We made ourselves comfortable on the sofa in front of the TV set, and started watching live coverage of an event involving some Hollywood celebrities. We had to relax ahead of a new academic week.

  Chapter 13

  Hesitant, I stopped before the door. I felt like turning about and walking away.

  ‘Miriam, why aren’t you coming in?’ a student from the class next door asked me.

  ‘‘Geez, rumors spread really fast, everybody knows me already,’’ I thought.

  ‘I won’t come in because I don’t like some of my classmates,’ I told her frankly.

  ‘I heard about what happened. I don’t like bullying and arrogance either, but this collège, like all the others, has its own unwritten rules teachers can only guess about. I know Ella, Gaitan, Ed and their nasty lot. They are just a bunch of boring and insignificant brats - spoilt sissies - that’s what they are. Just ignore them, and in time they will leave you alone.’ The girl waved goodbye and left.

  I won’t have anybody making my life miserable! This must never happen again!

  I resolutely stepped into the classroom. At the sight of me, some classmates made faces. I took my seat next to Elian without saying a word.

  ‘Hi, Miriam! You look strange today, are you all right?’ she enquired, anxiously.

  ‘Everything’s fine, I just feel a little bit tired.’

  Gaitan, Ed and Ella came up to us.

  ‘Look here, cutie, don’t think everybody’s gonna come crawling to your feet,’ Ella hissed. ‘My friends and I don’t give a damn about you. And there’s one more thing: I haven’t forgiven you for hitting me. Now it’s my turn, so beware, darling. I’ll get you back,
and it will feel soooo good. And you, ass-kisser, you won’t be forgotten either,’ she added, nodding at Elian.

  I was staring at her without saying a word.

  ‘You’re not going to hypnotize me with your cat-like stare – understand?’ She leaned close, reeking of cigarettes.

  Silence fell upon the classroom.

  ‘Get out of my face now, and don’t ever get in my face again.’ I warned.

  Ella gave a screech of laughter. ‘Ha! You think I’m scared? Just look at her – she thinks she’s ‘‘so great’’!’

  ‘That’s enough for now - let’s go,’ said Ed, taking her by the hand. ‘Let’s go. Virago’s coming, and I don’t wanna be caught standing near those creeps.’

  They turned about and made hurriedly for their desks. The bell rang, and the headmaster entered the classroom; she was our physics teacher. All the students stood up to greet her.

  ‘Good afternoon. Take your seats,’ she said with a permissive gesture. ‘So, what subject did we cover last week?’

  Tony caught up with me on the street.

  ‘Wait a minute, Miriam. Look here, you should tell the headmistress about everything before it’s too late. She’s the only one who can calm those bastards down. Don’t wait until it gets worse. Frankly, they give me the creeps…I’ll never be able to stand up against them. I’m sorry… I can’t …’ he stammered over the words and went red.

  ‘I’ll think about it, Tony.’ I liked this boy. And he seemed to like me…

  ‘Do you mind if I walk you home?’ he asked, embarrassed.

  ‘Sure.’ I said.

  I wasn’t likely to stay on in the class where I had never-ending problems. I had to find some way out, but time dragged on, and the problems with Ella, Gaitan and Ed persisted. Their presence was becoming a growing nuisance for me. I knew that sooner or later things were going to turn out badly. The trio had clearly been up to something; they were plotting their revenge and the best ways to carry it out. During recess they would blow spitballs at Elian and me. I would find modeling clay in my hair, and chewing-gum rolled up into tiny balls; our enemies pulled us by the hair, and kicked us when no one was looking… Often we'd find dead insects and rodents in our schoolbags. Our adversaries had begun to hassle us with all sorts of nasty things – thoroughly and methodically… I didn’t know for how long it would go on like that, but one day I saw Elian crying.