by R. Twine
The Black Angel had taken the lives of several people because some time ago I had wished death on two cold-blooded murderers. This was the punishment for my decision. I would have preferred to have died myself, but everything happened in the way that it had to. Was I guilty because of this?
In the evening, all the TV channels were broadcasting the news about the terrible catastrophe in the Mediterranean. The screen flickered with the photos of the dead and the satellite imagery of the place where the disaster struck.
“Three members of the filming crew survived because they by chance stayed in Corsica,” a TV news presenter went on to say. “The investigation into the accident will be underway shortly.”
I switched on my mobile and saw nearly a dozen messages: Granny, Granddad and Natalie were going mad worrying about me. I phoned back right away and heard my grandmother gently weeping into her receiver.
‘Miriam, my sweet granddaughter, you could have been killed, too! Your granddad and I nearly died when we heard on TV what happened… Thank God, you weren’t aboard that yacht!’
‘Calm down, Granny, worrying about me will only make you feel worse. I’m all right. Our plane is to take off tomorrow, so I’ll be home by late afternoon.’
Then I called Natalie who was also very frightened by what had happened. My voice had a calming effect upon her, too.
‘I can phone Elian on my own if you want me to; I’ll explain everything to her. I can only imagine how hard it is for you to bear,’ said Natalie understandingly.
‘I’m grateful, Nat,’ I thanked her. This was true. I didn’t feel like talking to anybody else.
I curled up in my bed, but thoughts kept turning in my head, keeping me awake. I was thinking about Madame Derek. Now I regretted being cold and detached in my attitude towards her at first. Only now I realized that she was looking for some sort of psychological support. Having almost no friends at all, Madame Derek had nobody with whom she could share the secrets she had to hide from the general public. I also thought about Henry. I thought about how I didn’t like him at first, and about how good a man he turned out to be later on. My God, what a fool I am! Why do we long for the people who are not with us anymore? Why do we not value those who are by our side? It was hard to believe that the people I was exchanging jokes with only yesterday were gone forever, never to come back. They were gone, just like my parents several years ago. Everything repeats itself. I had been rescued during a car crash then, and now I was prevented from being killed along with others aboard a yacht. Overwhelmed with grief, I started crying in loud sobs, wiping the tears off my cheeks…
There was a knock on the door.
‘Who’s there?’ I asked.
‘It’s me and Eddy, Miriam.’ I heard Alan’s voice coming from behind the door.
Having wiped away my tears, I went to open the door.
‘Come in, please.’
‘We’re sorry to disturb you, Miriam, but I thought you might be frustrated as hell, just like we are, and you, might want to chat with somebody to pour out your feelings,’ said Alan, entering my room with a bottle of beer in his hand.
I sat down on the sofa and buried my face in my hands; tears kept on trickling down through my fingers.
‘Goddamn it! I still can’t believe what happened,’ said Eddy emotionally. ‘We were born under a lucky star, that’s for sure.’
‘Eddy, twenty people died!’ I was unable to understand how he could be so overtly joyful over the fact that he was lucky enough to stay alive.
‘That’s my point, too: there could have been three more bodies,’ he went on. ‘We were very lucky to have stayed here. Otherwise we’d be dead, too! The catastrophe is being talked about on every TV channel. I had about twenty phone calls – people want to know what the hell happened.’
‘It’s so sad. Only a couple of days ago, they were all dreaming about something and making plans, totally unsuspecting that their lives would soon be cut short so brutally. A lot of them had families. And their children are now left forever without a father or a mother…,’ said Alan, and hung his head sadly.
‘Miriam, you may cry if that makes you feel better, but your tears will not change anything anyway. I also have a family and two children who need me because there would be no-one around to take care of them if I died. Who would feed and clothe them then? My wife’s been out of work for over ten years, so I can’t even imagine how they would manage without me. That’s why I’m so glad to be alive,’ Eddy went on to say.
Alan took a swig of beer, and looked at us blankly.
‘Making grandiose plans, searching for the meaning of life – all this is pointless…. But, damn it, I love life and fear dying! The thought alone of my dying someday makes me shudder! By the way, tomorrow morning we are due to go by plane, and it may explode high in the sky, or go crashing down for whatever reason… I’m really afraid!’
‘You two are just crazy as hell,’ said Eddy. ‘Hearing you talk could drive me crazy, too. You two are alive and well, but still you sit here wailing instead of being bloody grateful to the Universe for your salvation. To hear you talk,’ he said turning to Alan, ‘all we have to do now is lock the door and stay in, right? How would you feel then while driving a car? Because cars have a nasty habit of crashing occasionally, too! Besides, staying in can be dangerous sometimes as well!’
‘I can’t tell,’ said Alan in a lifeless tone of voice, and took another gulp of beer.
‘But I can. We must forget everything, and carry on as we did before,’ Eddy said firmly.
‘I wish I had your guts, Mike. One can only envy your iron nerves and self-control,’ said Alan, shaking his head.
‘Corsica saved us! I’ll be grateful to this island till the end of my days; its beauty made Miriam stay here longer and so kept death away from us!’ There was some excitement in Eddy’s voice. ‘Incidentally, Miriam, it appears that the video footage Henry made now rests in peace at the bottom of the sea. That’s why you’ll have to come back here one more time to film everything over again.’
‘This is the last thing I need at the moment,’ I retorted.
‘Well, I’m off to have some rest. Till tomorrow…,’ said Eddy, waving goodbye.
‘I’m off, too, but I’m afraid I’m not going to have a wink of sleep tonight,’ Alan said, getting up from the couch and putting an empty bottle on the table.
‘Good night then,’ I told them as they were leaving.
I wanted to be alone. Despite the warm weather, the cold I felt stiffened me up. The thought of my being guilty of all that had happened kept gnawing at my conscience, because those people paid for my own mistakes!
I went out onto the terrace and sat down in a sling chair. The night had a soothing effect upon me; a handful of stars were flickering dimly in the skies. I recollected the moment when, a long time ago, the Archangel showed me our Earth with the ascending souls of newly departed people. I wondered where Madame Derek, Henry and the others were at the moment. What really happened on the yacht? It all seemed very strange to me. Was the explosion accidental? The more questions I asked myself, the more confused I became. What was the link between me and the people who died? Was Death really going to pursue all those who surrounded me?
‘Miriam’ I turned around. There was Madame Derek standing in front of me.
‘It’s a great pity we never had time to become friends… You were the only person capable of understanding me without condemning,’ she said, and there was much pain in her eyes. Madame Derek’s face was pale; water still trickled down her wet hair, while her dress was soaked with blood. ‘A powerful explosion tore everyone to pieces – we died instantly, and had no time to feel the pain. When the yacht perished in the depths of the Mediterranean, our souls were still hovering over the blood-red waters for a long time, unable to grasp what had happened. I feel like a living person, but, to my great despair, you’re the only one capable of hearing me…’
‘Not only can I hear you, Madame Derek, I ca
n also see you,’ I said quietly. ‘Your sudden death was a great shock to me… It’s a great pity that this terrible disaster happened to you. It’s hard for me to fathom the fact that that you are no more. I’ll always miss you. I wish so much that people were capable of resurrecting the dead…’ Tears were in my eyes.
‘Take care of yourself, Miriam. I’ve got a dark foreboding that this wasn’t the last death you were destined to encounter on your path,’ she whispered, leaning closer to me. She was giving off a harsh smell of blood. ‘Don’t blame yourself,’ she said, and merged into the air.
A pool of red water formed where Madame Derek had stood only a few seconds before.
Next morning we set off for the airport. Having spent a sleepless night, all three of us had dark circles under our eyes. Nobody was in the mood to talk; each had his own way of dealing with the tragedy.
Chapter 22
‘Why didn’t I die along with the others, Natalie?’
‘You don’t have anything to blame yourself for, Miriam. People die in catastrophes and accidents every day, and this was a sheer accident, too. You were lucky to have stayed on the island. Even if you really saw this evil angel, you couldn’t have changed anything at all anyway.’
‘Stay with me for a few days if you can, Nat… I don’t want to be alone now.’
‘I’ll definitely stay with you. You need to stop thinking about this tragedy and live on,’ said Natalie, trying to instill a little bit of optimism in me. And then she added, changing the subject, ‘By the way, Elian met a guy, and they sort of started to date.’
‘I’m very glad she did,’ I said matter-of-factly. ‘But Elian could have told me this herself; we are friends, after all.’
‘We haven’t seen much of each other lately, and we’ve rarely talked on the phone, while you are short of free time, too. I have no idea at all how you manage to have time for everything. Of course, we are grown-ups now, and everybody lives their own life; still I want us not to forget each other, Miriam…’ Natalie wrapped her arms around me.
‘I will always remember you, Natalie. And I’m really very short of time. I don’t tell anybody about my work – exception for you – but I don’t feel like burdening my best friend with my problems anyway. My granny told me one day: “What’s the use of your being a model, Miriam? You don’t seem to suffer from money shortages, in time you’ll become a lawyer… Aren’t all those glossy photos of yours going to compromise your reputation?” What do you think?’
‘She may be right, but you’ll never be able to earn the kind of money you can earn now as a model. You know, money is important, too. To put it in a nutshell, this is your choice, and this choice must be respected,’ said Natalie firmly.
‘I like my job. Besides, the money I earn is a great pleasure for me. I see nothing wrong in being well-off. True, the money I’d inherited could keep me going for several years, but the kind of money I earn in the fashion industry – when spent prudently –can keep me afloat till the end of my days. Though, I say again: money isn’t everything,’ I said with a sigh. ‘You know, Nat, there’s another thing I’m worried about: I haven’t yet met a man who I’m crazy about. Time is going by, but nothing is happening. I may never meet him! Perhaps, it’s my apparent coldness that puts men off. What do you think? I want to love and be loved. Every normal human being longs for it, right?’ I asked.
‘Yes, you’re right,’ said Nat in reply, and a shadow of sadness covered her face.
‘Is anything wrong?’ I asked worriedly.
‘Six months ago I met a young guy I’d told you about – do you remember?’
‘Yes, I do.’
‘Well, I happened to find out he was simultaneously dating two more girls. I couldn’t even think such a thing was possible, because he kept telling me his heart belonged only to me… True love is hard to come by, Miriam, almost impossible. Then there were a couple just like him; it was sex they were after - nothing more. Since then I stopped dreaming about a knight in shining armor. There aren’t any knights, nor are there fairytale princesses. There are just the ones who suit each other, and those who don’t.’
‘You’re really too pessimistic, Nat! I’m sure the love written about in poems does exist. There’s only the problem of finding the right man.’
‘Miriam, all their lives people are looking for their other half. Now tell me: do they often find it? Stability in relationships and fidelity are now out of fashion. People fall in love; then they break up only to fall in love with someone else. In reality, love – the one depicted in films and novels – turns into a simple attachment. Of course, passion is there at first, there’s some kind of attraction, but later on it boils down to just a habit. In the modern world, so-called “love” means the comfort of co-existence, nothing else. People are afraid of being alone. Let’s take my parents as an example: my father has a mistress, but he keeps telling my mother he’s madly in love with her so that she leaves him alone. And the most interesting thing is that my mother also kind of loves him, but they haven’t been sharing a bed for many years; each of them sleeps in their own bedroom. But divorce is out of the question: why swap comfort and stability for a pig in a poke? That’s all love comes down to.’
‘I’m confident love does exist, Natalie. It just cannot be otherwise, because life without love is devoid of meaning. I don’t even want to try to understand what you’ve just told me. Let other people live their lives as they wish, but I strongly believe that I’ll be living the way I want to live. It’s not asking too much, is it? I just dream of meeting the one and only man whom I’ll fall in love with wholeheartedly and to whom I’ll devote my whole self. Nat, my peers have long been living active sexual lives, while I’m still a virgin…’
‘You don’t say so! I’ve never asked you about it, trying not to meddle in your personal life. We’re good friends but this thing is very delicate, isn’t it? For crying out loud! Who would have thought it! Miriam Henderson, a famous fashion model, is a virgin. Ground-breaking news! Is anybody else in the know?’ inquired Nat.
‘My personal life is a closely-guarded secret. And my personal life is my private domain. I can’t even think of discussing it with anyone else but you,’ I said smiling. ‘Sometimes I do marvel at handsome men but, unfortunately, an attractive façade isn’t all I need. I need someone special. I want to meet someone who would make my heart jump out of my ribcage. I crave for mutual love and passion with the one I love. And I’m not going to give my body to anybody just out of sheer curiosity; I need strong feelings.’
‘Suppose you don’t meet such a man, Miriam – then what? Are you going to turn into an old spinster? What about a husband and children, I mean being a regular housewife, so as not to stick out?’
‘I don’t know, Nat. One thing I know is I don’t want to be like everybody else. I’ve got other ideas about life. I don’t need “somebody” just for the sake of it. I remember very well how tenderly my parents loved each other. That was real love! I do hope to find a man like my father: clever, handsome, caring and loving; a man who is capable of saving me from this terrible and desperate loneliness. And I know that a day will come when I’ll meet the very man I’ve just described,’ I summed up dreamily.
A telephone buzzed.
‘Hallo,’ I said.
‘Good morning. Is this Miriam Henderson?’ asked a female voice.
‘Good morning …speaking.’
‘I’m a representative of Madame Derek’s agency and my name’s Marie Tailor. I’ll be your temporary agent.’
‘All right, I’ll note down your telephone number.’
‘In a fortnight you are supposed to have a meeting with Jack Nilsson,’ Marie Taylor said. ‘The date, time and place have already been set…’
‘Just a sec, I’m going to write the information down,’ I said, setting a notepad and a pencil at the ready.
‘The repeat of a photo session is scheduled for Tuesday in St-Tropez. Fred Herr will be your photographer – do you know h
im?’
‘Yes, I’ve heard about him but I’ve never had the opportunity to meet him.’
‘Great!’ The woman paused, and when she spoke again her voice was a semi-tone lower. ‘Miriam, how are you? We were all really badly hit by the terrible news about the death of our workmates. I was personally acquainted with many of those who died. It’s a miracle you survived. It must have been awfully painful for you.’
‘I often look back at this tragedy, and I still feel creepy at the thought of what happened,’ I said honestly.
I did feel creepy, but life still went on.
‘Hi,’ said Fred in a business-like manner, putting out his hairy hand to greet me. ‘Glad to meet you.’
‘Glad to meet you,’ I replied, rather formally.
We had three days of intense work ahead of us. Fred Herr turned out to be a truly professional photographer…
‘I’m satisfied with the results,’ he said as we said goodbye to each other. ‘It’s been fun working with you.’
‘So long,’ I said in reply.
The customer approved the promotional video and the prints we gave him. After one month the video was aired on TV, and my photos appeared in almost all the magazines. Within a short period of time I managed to become one of the industry’s most highly-paid fashion models!
Casting took place in a theatre studio. I was sitting in a hall, waiting patiently for a receptionist to call me in. Apart from me there were other girls who cast cautious glances at each other, trying to compare themselves with their rivals in order to estimate their chances of passing through. I knew that casting would take several days; the number of hopefuls was quite high. Jack Nilsson and his associates were real show-biz tycoons and experts in their field. Their expertise was said to be envied by almost everybody across Hollywood. Jack Nilsson was a kind of guru there. I often wondered what brought him to Paris. Could he really not find a fitting actress at The Dream Factory? ‘‘My goodness, why am I tormenting myself with so many questions?’’ I mused. ‘‘What a strange disposition I have!’’ I was in an excellent mood, thinking it would be fine if I turned out to be a good match for the role. The film was supposed to be depicting the life story of a famous actress; she was an amazing and astonishing woman – and this was the very character I’d like to play. It would be interesting to know on what criteria the casting will be based.