Purrfect Cover (The Mysteries of Max Book 25)

by Nic Saint

“But he asked me to hit him, Doc. He really did.”

  “You mean like in Fight Club?” asked the doctor, who seemed to know his movies.

  “Yeah, exactly like in Fight Club.”

  “So who were you supposed to be? Brad Pitt or Edward Norton?”

  “I’m not sure,” said Johnny. He glanced at Jerry, then at the doctor. “Brad Pitt?”

  The doctor smiled and clapped him on the back. “Of course, Mr. Carew. Of course.”

  Once they were alone again, Jerry snarled, “That’s another fine mess you got us into, Johnny.”

  Johnny gave his friend a sheepish look. “I’m sorry, Jer. Sometimes I don’t know my own strength.”

  “Yeah, well,” said his partner, laying back on his bunk. “That’s it for me. I give up. If the universe wants to keep us confined to this prison cell, that’s all right by me.”

  “So you don’t want me to hit you again, Jer?”

  “No, I don’t want you to hit me again, Brad Pitt.”

  Johnny smiled at this. “Do you really think I look like Brad Pitt?”

  Jerry smiled, too. “Sure, Johnny. Sure.”

  For a moment, both men were silent, then Johnny said, “I’m sorry for knocking you out, Jer.”

  “That’s all right, buddy. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have needled you like that.” He sighed. “I swear to God, if we ever make it out of this place I’m giving up the life of crime.”

  “We’ll go to Hollywood,” said Johnny. “I’ll be Brad Pitt and you can be Leo DiCaprio.”

  Jerry laughed at this, then stopped and groaned and reached for his head.

  “Please don’t make me laugh, buddy. It hurts.”

  38

  The evening had come and our humans had returned home from their respective places of business. And finally we’d all been allowed back inside.

  “I’ll tell Blanche that she shouldn’t forget to unlock the pet flap again,” said Odelia after she let us in. “She must have forgotten.”

  I didn’t think the evil cleaner had forgotten at all, though. I think she’d done it on purpose, to give us a first taste of the new rules that she was instigating. Three days a week we’d be locked out of our own homes, and if it was up to Blanche and her sister that period would be extended to the entire week, and possibly the nights, too!

  Clearly they had their own ideas about how to treat pets, and felt cats didn’t have a place inside the home. And when it came down to a battle of wills, I feared that the war might just be won by the cleaners, and not by mild-mannered Odelia or Marge.

  When Gran arrived home therefore, after a long day spent furthering the interests of her neighborhood watch, and breezed in, I decided to have a word with her. As I saw it, she was the only member of the family tough enough to take a stand against the terror of the cleaning ladies, and avoid disaster.

  But Gran didn’t have time for us. Clearly she had other things on her mind, for she looked troubled. “Odelia,” she said as she swept into the house, where Odelia was checking the fridge in search of something edible to cook for dinner. “I need to have a word with you. It’s important,” she added when Odelia took out a piece of lamb roast and took a tentative sniff.

  “What is it?” asked Odelia. “More burglaries?”

  “It’s your uncle,” said Gran, and took a seat at the kitchen counter. “I’ve been hearing funny stories about him and Charlene Butterwick. It’s all over town that the two of them have been sneaking off together during working hours, and neglecting their jobs. It’s come so far that people are thinking about launching a petition for the Mayor to be replaced by another member of the town council, and for Alec to be replaced by Chase.”

  Odelia frowned. “Surely you must have misheard.”

  “I’m not so sure. When Scarlett and I dropped by the station this afternoon Alec was nowhere to be seen, and Dolores told us it’s been like that for the past two weeks. He comes in in the morning, then goes out for lunch and stays out. And when we went to see Charlene about it, her secretary said she was out and didn’t say when she’d be back.”

  “What are they up to?” asked Odelia, as she also took a seat.

  Gran shrugged. “I don’t know. People say they’ve got a love nest in town, and that they keep sneaking off for some nookie any chance they get. And I’m the first one to applaud Alec for having the good sense to hook up with Charlene. She’s a great gal and I wish them all the best and future happiness and yadda yadda. But not at the expense of their jobs.”

  “So what do you suggest?”

  “I think an intervention is in order,” said Gran gravely.

  “What’s an intervention, Max?” asked Dooley, who’d been listening with rapt attention, as had I.

  “It’s when members of a person’s family or circle of friends decide to sit the person down and give him or her a good talking-to,” I said.

  “I’ve already talked to Marge, and she’s agreed. Tonight we’re going over to Alec’s house and we’re going to have a word with him,” said Gran.

  Odelia nodded. “All right. If that’s what you think is best.”

  “I do. This cannot go on.” She shook her head. “I never thought I’d say this, but his libido is clearly out of control and needs to be checked.”

  “What’s a libido, Max?” asked Dooley.

  “Um…”

  “He does seem to have a healthy sex drive,” said Odelia with a giggle.

  “What’s a sex drive, Max?”

  Gran shrugged. “Of course he does. He’s my son, after all,” she said, which made both women burst out laughing.

  “What are they saying, Max?” asked Dooley.

  “Well, Uncle Alec likes Charlene so much that he has started to neglect his work,” I explained. “His libido, which is the part of a person making them, um… love a lot, makes him love Charlene… a little too much.”

  “And makes him drive his sex to her house when he should be driving his sex to his office?”

  “Something like that,” I admitted.

  “I didn’t know sex was like a car,” said Dooley. “And that people could drive it.”

  “Yeah, sex is very much like a car,” I said. “You can drive it, but sometimes it drives you, and that’s what’s happening with Uncle Alec. He should be behind the driving wheel, but instead his libido is.”

  “And Gran doesn’t like that,” said Dooley, nodding. He jumped up onto Gran’s lap, then, and said earnestly, “You have to tell Uncle Alec’s libido to get out of the driver’s seat, Gran. Or it will drive his sex in the wrong direction and cause an accident.”

  “Absolutely right, Dooley,” said Gran, and gave my friend a cuddle. “Isn’t he a smart cookie?” she said, and Odelia gave me a wink.

  Dooley was right. If Uncle Alec allowed his libido to take control, it would cause him to make a mess of his life and his career. A regular pileup of epic proportions.

  I just hoped this intervention would be successful, and if it was, I was going to ask Gran to stage another intervention. This time dealing with Blanche and Bella. If anyone needed to be booted from the driver’s seat, it was that sinister twosome.

  39

  Tex was feeling a little nervous about leaving the house for this family intervention thing. With his precious painting in the shed, and the thieves still at large, he didn’t like to leave the house unguarded. Then again, nobody knew the Metzgall was in his garden shed, and no thief, even the most clever one, would know to search there for the valuable work of art.

  “I don’t believe this,” said Marge as she checked her appearance in the bedroom mirror. “You would think that my brother is old and wise enough not to act like a hormonal teenager.”

  “He must be deeply infatuated with the woman,” said Tex as he glanced through Jerome Metzgall’s website to see if he didn’t have another gnome for sale at a reasonable price. It would be nice if Big Gnome #21 had a little brother or sister to keep him company back there in that shed. The nights could really g
et lonely out there.

  “He can be infatuated all he wants, but he shouldn’t neglect his duties to this town and its citizens,” said Marge sternly.

  “I’m sure it’s just a phase,” said Tex as he studied a particularly jolly female gnome. The price tag was a little too steep for his budget, though.

  “A phase he should have grown out of when he left puberty behind. What are you doing?”

  “Oh, just checking the news,” said Tex, a little guiltily. This newfound hobby of his clearly didn’t carry his wife’s approval.

  “Looking at gnomes again, are you?” said Marge, unfailingly putting her finger on the nub.

  “How did you know?” he asked, looking from his phone to Marge. “Are you psychic now?”

  Marge smiled. “When it comes to you, yes I am, husband dear. Please don’t buy another one of those horrible paintings.”

  “It’s an investment,” he insisted stubbornly. “You buy them now, and sell them tomorrow and double your investment, or even triple it.”

  “I very much doubt whether anyone would be so crazy to spend that much money on a painting of a gnome, honey.” She gave him the kind of look a parent would give a dimwitted child. A mixture of affection and exasperation. “Except you, of course.”

  “Do you think he’s safe back there?” he asked, glancing through the window in the direction of the shed.

  “Oh, I think he’s perfectly safe,” said Marge. She’d already voiced her opinion that no burglars would bother to steal Big Gnome #21 but he wasn’t so sure.

  Suddenly Vesta stuck her head in the door. “What’s the holdup? Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!” And retracted her head again.

  “I guess we’re going,” said Tex.

  “Yeah, I guess so,” said Marge with a sigh.

  Since the cat contingent hadn’t been invited to the intervention, we decided to head out and hit the town instead.

  It had been an eventful day, and we needed the distraction. But then before we could get going, suddenly Tex dropped by the house, glanced left and right, then knelt down next to me and whispered, “Max, I know you can understand what I’m going to tell you, because I’ve seen my wife and my daughter and my mother-in-law do it a million times, and I hope they haven’t been pulling my leg all these years.” He took a deep breath, gazed into my eyes and said, “Can you keep an eye on Big Gnome #21 for me? I know that Marge thinks no thief will want to steal it, but I’m not so sure. He does represent an investment of no less than twenty-five thousand dollars, and even though he’s insured with a reputable firm, I’d feel much better if I knew you were here to make sure nobody took him.” He glanced up again, making sure nobody overheard him talking to a cat, then leaned in and said, “Thanks, little buddy.” And gave me a quick pet across the cranium.

  I stared at the man as he scuttled off, presumably to follow the rest of the family for the big intervention.

  “What did he say, Max?” asked Dooley, who’d watched from a little distance.

  “He wants me to guard Big Gnome #21,” I said.

  “Who’s Big Gnome #21?”

  “The painting Tex bought.”

  “Why does he want you to watch it? It’s not very nice to look at.”

  “He wants me to make sure nobody steals it,” I specified.

  “Oh,” said Dooley, and took this in, just as I was taking it in. “Well, I guess we’re staying home tonight,” he said finally, showing me what a friend he truly was.

  He could have said, ‘Max, you take care of the painting of the ugly gnome while I go and have a great time at cat choir.’ But no, he decided to stay home with me. What a pal!

  “Where is this Big Gnome #21?” he asked next.

  “In the garden shed, remember? Marge didn’t want it in the house.”

  “Why? Isn’t it house-trained?”

  I chuckled at this. “No, I guess not.”

  “Poor Marge. First garden gnomes and now paintings of garden gnomes.”

  “She has a heavy cross to bear,” I agreed.

  And since Harriet and Brutus had already left, and so had the rest of the family, Dooley and I made our way into Marge and Tex’s backyard to guard Big Gnome #21. And it was as we arrived that I found the door to the shed askance, and when I entered the small structure, and glanced around in search of the painting, I discovered that it wasn’t there. Probably because Tex had hidden it somewhere where I couldn’t see it.

  “So?” asked Dooley, joining me. “Where is Big Gnome #21?”

  “No idea. Tex must have hidden it.”

  “Maybe it’s for the best,” said Dooley. “I didn’t like the look of that gnome.”

  I found a nice piece of cardboard that had my name on it—not literally, of course—and Dooley found one with his name on it, and soon we were pleasantly dozing, and making sure no gnomes could be absconded with, twenty-first ones or otherwise.

  40

  When Odelia pressed her finger to the bell, she silently said a little prayer and hoped for the best. She liked her uncle, and if they were going to prevent him from making a career-destroying decision, they needed to talk fast and be convincing, but also to listen and hear his side of the story.

  “Ready?” asked Gran.

  Mom, Dad and Chase all nodded. Especially Chase and Dad didn’t look eager to launch into this intervention, but then neither did Odelia think this was going to be a walk in the park.

  The door swung open and to her surprise it wasn’t her uncle who appeared but Charlene!

  “Oh, hey,” said Charlene. “I didn’t know there was a family evening planned, but come in.”

  The Mayor was dressed in yoga pants and a Garfield T-shirt and had her hair down. The fact that she had a drink in her hand indicated she and Alec had thought they’d spend a nice evening at home together.

  When they walked into the living room, Alec got up, surprised at the sight of his entire family filing into the room.

  “What’s going on?” he asked. “Did something happen?”

  “Alec,” said Gran, stepping to the fore and taking charge. “Sit down. You too, Charlene. This is an intervention,” she announced, taking a wide-legged stance and planting her hands on her hips. “Your family loves you very much, Alec, and we don’t like to see you throwing your life and career away the way you’ve been doing.”

  “Wait, what?” asked Alec, flabbergasted.

  Charlene laughed a nervous little laugh. “An intervention? Are you serious?”

  “Dead serious,” said Vesta, fixing the mayor with a gimlet-eyed look and shutting her up. “It has come to our attention that you’ve both been playing hooky at work, so you can spend time in your alleged love nest. Well, we’re here to tell you that all that is in the past.” She pointed a bony finger at her son. “You’re going to show up at work on time. You’re going to stay there during office hours and do your duty the way you promised when you accepted the honor of being this town’s chief of police, and you’re going to perform your duties to the best of your abilities. And that goes for you, too, young lady. It’s an honor to be our mayor.”

  “I agree,” said Charlene.

  “And you’re going to do your job from now on, and not sneak off for some canoodling sessions with my son.”

  “Ma, please!” said Alec.

  “Shush. I’m not finished. I’m a busy woman but I’m going to sacrifice my precious time to keep an eye on you two. I’m going to sit in your office for the next week and make sure you don’t leave before five o’clock on the dot. And I’ve asked my friend Scarlett to do the same for you, Charlene. She will sit in your office and she will not move from your side for a week. And if by the end of the week you’ve both shown that you’re worthy of our trust, we might let you off the hook. If not, another week will be added, and one more, for as long as it takes to get you on the straight and narrow again.”

  “But Vesta…” said Charlene with a laugh.

  “You think this is a joke?” Gran barked. “Do
you see me laughing?”

  “No, but…”

  “This is your life, young lady. And you’re not going to throw it away on this bozo.”

  “I’m your son!”

  “You’re a fine mayor, and people like you, but not if you keep shirking your duty. Is that understood?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” said Charlene with a smile and glance at Alec, who sat silently fuming.

  “Great. Then we have an understanding. And don’t think I do this because I like it. This hurts me more than it hurts you,” Gran concluded her harangue.

  “You can still canoodle, though,” said Marge, eager to make her point clear. “But you should do it in the evenings, not when you’re supposed to be working.”

  “Are you finished?” asked Uncle Alec stiffly.

  “Yeah, just about,” said Gran.

  “We haven’t been playing hooky. In fact we haven’t been shirking work at all.”

  “Oh? I’ve heard different,” said Gran. “And when Scarlett and I paid you a visit this afternoon Dolores said you’ve been absent from work every afternoon for the past two weeks. And your secretary told us the same story, Charlene.”

  Charlene shook her head. “I feel like I’m back in high school.”

  “Look, we haven’t played hooky,” Uncle Alec repeated. “We’ve been working on a new project together. In our official capacities as chief of police and mayor—and not in some love nest but out in the field, overseeing construction.”

  “What construction? What field?” asked Gran.

  Uncle Alec directed a tender look at the Mayor. “Are you going to tell them or am I?”

  Charlene smiled. “I never had the pleasure of having children,” she said. “And neither has Alec. It’s one of the things that has drawn us very close together indeed. Something we have in common.”

  Odelia’s mom put her hands to her cheeks. “You’re having a baby! Oh, my God!”

  “No, we’re not having a baby,” said Charlene. “Unfortunately I haven’t been blessed with the capacity to conceive, and besides, I’m too old now to have kids anyway.”