My Only

by Sophia Duane

  “Yeah, but you’re acting like eating kale is worse than sticking a piece of dead bird in your mouth.” I attempted to say something, but was cut off.

  “Chicken is a bird and you eat chicken.”

  “Look, it’s not that I think it’s gross.” I waved my hand over my plate of food. “It’s good. It’s just different. I’m not used to it.” As if to prove my point, I took the first bite of my sandwich. To my surprise, it wasn’t bad. Whatever the hel “seitan” was, it tasted pretty good, but I couldn’t help my initial reluctance to eat. The menu had said that it was a wheat protein. It made me a bit happier that it wasn’t tofu. Wheat protein just sounded better than bean curd.

  We settled into eating our meals. I was sure to eat everything on my plate just to make a point. We talked about a few things, like tests that we had taken in the past week and how excited we were to see Violet Plume’s show. But the best part of my lunch was watching her enjoy herself. She ate everything on her plate—not to prove a point, but because she was obviously in love with the food. I supposed there wasn’t much Lakeside had to offer her by way of vegan cuisine. This must have been a real treat.

  We ordered and shared cinnamon rol s as a dessert.

  Our relationship had progressed. The awkwardness was almost nonexistent. I held her hand a lot now, but it never stopped making my stomach tickle. So when I reached across the table and grabbed her hand, I felt it in my whole body. It was like she was an infusion of light and sensation coursing through my veins. I loved touching her.

  Olivia licked her lips. She locked eyes with me, and for a moment, we just sat there looking at each other. It was the kind of moment I wanted to last forever, but knew it couldn’t. The server interrupted our silent exchange to ask if there was anything else she could get us. The disruption in the connection was so sudden that it made us both chuckle.

  It was in this moment that I realized this was what it was like to be in love. I wasn’t just infatuated with Olivia. I wasn’t just crushing on her.

  I loved her.

  But it was way too early to say it. It hadn’t been that long since Aaron broke up with her. She was obviously over their relationship and the breakup, but I didn’t want to push too hard.

  After paying for lunch, I took her hand and together we found our way to the Harold Washington Library Center. It was only a few miles away. We drove on Lake Shore Drive, so the scenery was awesome. We stayed at the library for as long as we could, exploring as much as we could. I liked M.T. Shelves better, but was glad there was no demon cat here to terrorize me while I roamed.

  We arrived early for the concert. Reggie’s Rock Club was close to the library. It had an industrial feel about it. I wasn’t sure what to expect. I’d never been to a concert before. I tried not to worry about things like bumping into the wrong person or losing Olivia in the sea of people. We stood by the wal and people-watched. When the lights went down and everyone turned to the stage, I took the opportunity to slide my hands around her sides, clasping them over her bel y. I stood behind her, my head resting on the top of her head. I knew that our intimacy had grown, but I stil held my breath in anticipation of rejection.

  But she didn’t reject me. She put her hands on top of mine and leaned back against me.

  The opening band was soothing with a bit of bouncing energy mixed in. I didn’t catch their name. It was an odd choice to open for Violet Plume, but Olivia seemed to like them. I liked how she was dancing while I held her. Her body felt so awesome as it moved against mine.

  When Violet Plume came onstage, I was almost resentful. Olivia moved out of my arms and jumped up and down in excitement. She mirrored the rest of the people in the building. I could take or leave the band. I liked them just fine, but I was here for Olivia. This experience wasn’t about the band. It was about gleaning every last piece of knowledge I could about her.

  She only jumped around for a minute at most. I was glad that she came back to me. I couldn’t see her face as she leaned back on me. The place was loud. The people around us were shouting and hol ering and the band’s instruments, despite Violet Plume being a softer independent rock band, were screaming out of the amplifiers. Through al of that, I could hear her breathing. I could feel it, too. It was a bit shaky, so I lowered my mouth to her ear. “You okay?”

  “Yeah. Fantastic.”

  Olivia took a deep breath. She stayed next to me for a few songs. Then she stepped out and started to dance. Some concert-goers stood stil ; others moved with the music—some nodding their heads, others tapping their feet. Some danced, mainly staying in one spot. But Olivia moved her whole body. She danced with her whole self. The group around us gave her room, but not because she was being too wild. I thought they gave her room because, like me, they thought she was beautiful and amazing.

  She was dancing like no one was watching. Like she did in her room the first day I’d seen her. During the song “Say Hel o,” she grabbed my hand and pul ed me away from the wal . I was sure if I just stood there, she would’ve accepted it. But I didn’t want to do that. My body responded and swayed with hers.

  We danced soft and slow in the crowd of people. Our physical connection never broke. Even when she took a step away, I was always touching her.

  My heart fluttered and felt like it was going to float away with my head. She made everything sing. I’d never felt comfortable in a room ful of people—especial y strangers. But tonight I was dancing, surrounded by people I’d never met.

  Olivia was pressed up against me during the ultraslow song cal ed “Home.” The way her body felt against mine was driving me crazy. It was almost too much, but then she pul ed away and kissed me.

  I’d kissed her a few times, none of them topping that first real kiss in my living room a few days ago. But this one did. It was long and sensual.

  There was an added thril to it because we were in a roomful of people and yet it was stil such an incredibly private moment.

  The kiss felt like we were standing alone in one of our bedrooms. Her hands were at my waist and mine were just under her arms, my thumbs unintentional y pressing against the sides of her breasts. I moved my hands slightly, not toward her back, but so the palms of my hands were now against the sides of her breasts. Her hands fisted at my abdomen, twisting in my shirt and drawing it tight around my body.

  Olivia deepened the kiss. I felt her tongue against mine. My head felt like it was spinning with an overload of sensation. The song changed. It was only then that I realized we were no longer dancing, but standing perfectly stil . She lowered herself back down. I never wanted to stop looking at her. Her skin was flushed pink. There was a slight sheen as the constantly moving lights hit her face.

  Violet Plume switched to a song that was a bit harder—the band members losing themselves in it as they jammed. The drummer was pretty awesome. After thanking the crowd, the band left the stage. There were two songs in their encore, both fairly subdued. I was thankful because it brought Olivia back into my arms to sway to the music.

  When the lights came up, we stood by the wal and let the other people filter out first. Without checking my watch, I knew it was late. We walked to her car hand in hand. It wasn’t until we were inside and the overhead light il uminated her face that I realized how tired she looked. She must have overexerted herself. I didn’t understand how a few hours of dancing could drain her like this unless something was wrong with her.

  “You okay?” I asked.

  She nodded, but closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the headrest. “Just sleepy.” I didn’t believe her. “We stil have a long drive ahead of us,” I said.

  Her eyes opened and her lips curved up. “I know.” Olivia reached out and touched the tips of her fingers to my cheek. “Let’s just rest for a second, okay?”

  “Is there something you’re not tel ing me?”

  “No,” she denied again. “Just tired, I promise.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “Yeah. It was ju
st a long day, you know?”

  It didn’t matter if she said she was fine. I knew she wasn’t. In the building her face had been red, but out here it was pale. The sheen of perspiration was stil evident on her forehead even though it was chil y out. “I know,” I said, not wanting to push the subject and upset her.

  “I just need to rest for a sec, and I’l be fine.” Olivia patted my hand then threaded her fingers through mine.

  “Okay, but not here. Let’s get a little north and then we’l stop for a bit.” It wasn’t that this neighborhood was horrible, but bad things had been known to happen in the city. I knew as we went north the chances of something dangerous happening went down.

  Reluctantly, she sat up straight and put the car in gear. She drove slowly, keeping her eyes fixed on the road. She stopped just outside the Northwestern campus in Evanston. For a moment I thought about Delaney. I had taken the weekend off, so I wasn’t sure if she’d come back to Lakeside to work for the weekend, or if she was warm in her bed somewhere in Evanston.

  Olivia took the opportunity to cal her grandparents. “No, I’m fine, Grandpa.” There was a pause, then, “Wel , tel her to stop worrying. I’m going to take a little break from driving for just a second and rest.” Another pause. I tried not to stare at her, but there wasn’t anything else to look at. “Yeah.

  He’s right here. Don’t worry. We’re just going to take a moment and chil , then we’l finish the drive, okay?” She turned to me and rol ed her eyes. “Yeah. Be home soon. Love you!”

  Olivia hung up and tossed her phone onto the dash. She pul ed the lever on the side of her seat, dropping the back down. “Hi,” she said. Her voice was almost shy.

  “Hey,” I replied as I dropped my seat back, too.

  She looked better now that she had some color in her face and the sheen of sweat had evaporated. I reached out and stroked her cheek. Olivia responded by grabbing my hand and bringing it to her mouth. She kissed the heel of my hand.

  The center console was between us. I wished it wasn’t. For a brief moment, I wondered if I should just let her rest, but the desire to kiss her won out. I leaned in, moving my hand to her waist and gently pul ing her closer.

  In a few short minutes, our kissing had progressed into something more. We were stil kissing, but now my hand was on her breast. Moving my mouth to her neck, I kissed the tender flesh there then trailed my lips back up.

  We could’ve been like that for hours or only minutes. I didn’t care either way. The only thing I real y cared about was that I was with her—that we were close like this.

  When she pul ed away, I let her. She had dark circles under her eyes. She needed to rest. I was slightly breathless when I said, “Close your eyes.

  We should take a little nap.”

  With a little nod, she agreed. I pul ed my phone from my pocket and set my alarm. It turned out that we didn’t need it. I fel asleep for only a short time. The cold woke me up. When I looked over at Olivia, she was shivering a bit. I put my hand on her shoulder and shook her awake. When she opened her eyes, she took in a deep breath.

  “It’s cold,” I said.

  She nodded, raised the back of her seat and turned on the car. She revved the engine and turned on the heat. Olivia rubbed her face with her hands then buckled her seat belt.

  “Are you okay to drive?” I asked. She didn’t look any more rested than before.

  “Yeah. I’m good. Once the heat gets going I’l be perfect.”

  Putting the car into drive, she focused on getting back onto the road. I reached over and held her hand. Her fingers were like icicles. Careful not to impede her driving, I brought her hand to my mouth and blew my warm breath on the fingers then rubbed my hands over them and then held them tight.

  We didn’t talk on the way to Lakeside, but as soon as she pul ed up into her driveway she turned to me. “Thanks for going to the concert with me.”

  Like it was a favor or something. I chuckled. “Thanks for taking me to the concert.” She laughed, but it didn’t sound right. Cupping her face in my hand, I leaned in and kissed her gently. “You need some real sleep, Livie.” She lowered her head to my shoulder and let it rest there for a moment. The porch light by her front door came on. I looked up to see her grandmother standing there in pajamas and an unbuttoned overcoat. “Liv,” I said, raising my shoulder to get her attention.

  She looked at me and I motioned toward her house. When she saw her grandmother, she said, “Guess I can’t stay out here al night.”

  “That’s a shame, huh? Sleeping in a car is so much fun.”

  “Doing anything with you is so much fun,” she said, making my heart leap.

  We got out slowly. I walked her up the stairs. Her grandmother’s concern was palpable and she eyed me careful y, but said nothing. I was driven to fil the void. “We had fun. Thanks for letting her go.”

  Al I got was a short nod as she wrapped her arms around Olivia. Then she whispered something into Livie’s ear.

  Olivia turned to me and said, “I’l see you later, Adam. I had a great time.”

  “Me, too,” I said. I wanted to kiss her goodnight, but there was no way it was happening with her grandmother so close. Besides, she was holding Olivia pretty tightly, like she wouldn’t let her go for anything in the world. “Cal you tomorrow,” I said.

  “Night, Ad,” Olivia said as her grandma turned her around and herded her into the house.

  I ran across the street, eager to get inside my warm house. Not surprisingly, Aaron was stil up. Blue light flickered out of the open door to his room. Peeking my head in, I gave him a nod in greeting. “Hey.”

  “What’s up?” he asked. His voice was casual as he eyed me suspiciously. “Just get in?” Even though he already knew the answer, I said, “Yeah. The concert was awesome.”

  “Cool.” He leaned back against the headboard of his bed.

  “Can’t sleep?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Sorry,” I said. While things between us were better, they stil weren’t great. Instead of standing there with nothing to say, I gave him a half wave and left.

  I wanted to take a shower, but I was beat. In my room, I stood in front of my window. There was a soft glow coming from Olivia’s room. The tiny gap in the lace curtains let a little light out.

  Just knowing she was warm inside her room right across the street gave me comfort. I pul ed off my clothes and fel onto my bed. It was only a minute or two after my head hit the pil ow that I fel asleep with the memory of dancing with Olivia running through my mind.

  I texted Olivia as soon as I woke up on Sunday. She didn’t text back. I didn’t start to worry until later in the day. I texted her again, but there was no response. After dinner, I threw on my jacket and walked over to the Cartwrights’. Her grandmother opened the door, her arms crossed over her chest as if to brace against the chil in the evening air.

  Her pose was a bit intimidating. “Is Liv here?”

  When she didn’t say anything, I squirmed. Final y, she said. “Yes, she is, but she’s very tired.”

  “Just tired?” I asked. Even if she was tired I thought she’d text me at the very least.

  “She’s il ,” she said. “She’s not to have visitors at the moment, but I’l tel her you stopped by.” I took a step back and looked up toward her window. I couldn’t see anything but the little ledge. With a deep sigh, I looked back at Olivia’s grandmother. The way she was talking led me to believe that she wouldn’t be in school tomorrow. I was just getting used to holding hands at school.

  Now I’d have to go without. I realized it was a selfish thought. If she was sick, she needed to rest. I wanted her to be healthy and wel . “Should I pick up her schoolwork for her?”

  This seemed to please her. “That would be kind of you, Adam.”

  “Goodnight, Mrs. Cartwright.” I turned to leave, but then swung back around. She was just closing the door. I took a step forward and gently placed my hand on the door, stopping it. “Excuse me,” I said,
wanting to be polite. Her grandmother made me nervous. Actual y, both of her grandparents did. When Mrs. Cartwright opened the door back up, I saw that Mr. Cartwright was coming toward us.

  “Uh,” I said. “I was wondering.”

  She waited patiently for me to continue.

  “Why is she sick so much?”

  There was a strange expression that crossed her face, but I wasn’t sure how to read it. She let out a long breath and looked directly into my eyes. “Olivia doesn’t respect the boundaries of her body. She does what she’s been told not to. She goes beyond what she should, and it leads to il ness.”

  I glanced behind her at Mr. Cartwright’s face which was usual y made of steel, but tonight it somehow seemed softer. He put a hand on his wife’s shoulder, but stil said nothing. Olivia’s grandma—obviously the spokesman of the two—said, “She values your opinion, Adam. You can be a positive influence on her. Help her make the right decisions.” She paused. “Goodnight.” They closed the door, leaving me confused on the porch. I walked back to my house feeling even more in the dark than before.

  Monday night I went to Casey’s for band practice. I was distracted but kept the tempo and did everything I was supposed to do, just nothing extra. I could sense that the rest of the guys were growing annoyed, but I didn’t know what they wanted me to do. It wasn’t like I could turn off the worry.

  I heard Mrs. Cartwright’s words over and over again in my head. What were the boundaries of Olivia’s body? What was wrong with her? Why wouldn’t she tel me?

  Practice ended around six thirty and then Blake gave me a silent ride home. If my mind hadn’t been on Olivia, I would’ve been concerned. Blake was never silent.

  I barely said anything to Aaron or my father when I entered the house. I grabbed my book bag and took out Olivia’s assignments then hurried across the street. I hoped I’d be able to see her today.

  My hope vanished when Mr. Cartwright answered the door. He took the books and papers I held out to him. “Is she wel enough that I can see her? I’d like to—”