Fifty Shelves of Grey
Page 10
Grey cells, little, cursedness of Hercule Poirot’s 66
Gulf of Mexico as Gulf of Mejico 97
Gypsy Woman 87
Hair, in ears, as turn-off for sex with oneself 125
Hand job 87
Hand sanitizer 72
Hand towels, horror of 38
Handcuffs, improbability of falling into 65
Hanks, Tom 40
Harpooner, drunken night with 95
Harvard University 40
Hole, golden 131
Home Valu, gratitude for custom of 29
Honey, as sexual aide 27
Hoof-cuffs 80
Horse bondage 80
Horse, hair of in toupee use 125
Horses, illegality of having sex with on British highways 126
Hot cross bun, likened to anus 21
House of Usher, as depressing minibreak possibility 37
House of Usher, bad masonry of 39
House of Usher, revulsion towards by own occupants 38
House of Usher, terrible smell of 37
Hygiene, importance of if you want to be licked of 24
Hypothetical Imperative 85
Incense, as air freshener for tents 88
Ishmael, use of as fake name under pressure 95
Jacuzzi, lack of 96
Jesus, real, enjoyment of sex with Mary Magdalene of 41
Jism, capriciousness of 125
Jongleur, as in juggler of balls 117
Jujus, smoking of through nostrils only 15
Jules Rimet Trophy, similarity to woman’s breast of 11
July, 15 (St Swithin’s Day), who does and doesn’t have sex, over fourteen-year period, on 56, 57
Kennedy, Ray, refusal to dive of 12
Keys, bowl of, as device for choosing sexual partner 91
Khama, Sir Seretse 49
Knee, sound beating over 1
Kouros 54
La Giralda, Seville, as phallic dream symbol 87
Lard, use of to grease cudgel 2
Lava lamp 5
Lawsuit, of convicted masturbator 14
Leather blinkers 80
Leg, third 63
Léonie, Aunt, remembered source of sexual relief before mass 114, 115
Lesbian sex 32, 33, 45, 109
Licking 27, 38, 67, 71, 117, 124, 129
Lighthouse, likened to penis 63
Linighan, Andy, broken nose of 11
Linighan, Andy, heroism of 11
Linighan, Andy, unlikeliness of scoring winning goal in Cup Double victory of 11
Lonely Mountain, dwarf hangout 7
Longship, likened to penis 62
Loose pants, use of when riding subway during unsociable hours 13
Love is . . ., poster of 5
Love, as compared to cheesesticks 120
Lube 36
M&S, Autograph range 72
Madame Merle, in relation to possible extinction of bees 31
Madame Merle, in relation to possible extinction of silkworm 32
Madeleines, petites, sexually evocative nature of, especially when dipped in
warm liquid 113, 114, 115
Mallet, as large wooden sledgehammer 118
Mallet, as penis 117
Mandolin, beckoning nature of 82
Mandolin, capriciousness of 82
Mandolin, coming together with man of 83
Mandolin, cruelty of 82
Mandolin, elusive chords of 83
Mandolin, fickleness of 82
Mandolin, likeness to a woman of 82
Mandolin, oval hole, unbearable promise of 82
Mandolin, pear-shaped bowl back, sensuous curves of 82
Mandolin, quivering of 83
Mandolin, resistant fret board of 83
Mandolin, screechiness of 82
Mandolin, seductiveness of 82
Mandolin, sonorous centre of 83
Martians 129
Masturbation 14, 19, 20, 89, 93, 114, 120, 126
May, darling buds of, metaphor for nipples 131
McGee, Gums 16
McLintock, Frank, excessive number of stickers of 10
Medical insurance, Platinum policy position on erotic transformation into insect 70
Medici, Lorenzo de 121
Member, awkwardness of palpitation in front of Mother of 114
Mermaid 97
Mermen, bourgeois decadence of their hands 99
Metaphor 108
Millichip, Sir Bert, balls of 11
Milonga as metaphor for sex 104
Mint julep, hangover from which akin to death of 58
Mithrel coat 8
Mobile phones, not to be used whilst masturbating in a car 127
Mona Lisa, enigmatic nature of 41
Monsieur de Roquefort Fromage, as in proprieter of Vache Qui Rit 54
Moorish, as in Moorish Conquest of Spain, not as in ‘This cake is very
more-ish’ 87
Mother, likelihood of bequeathing nose size to son 63
Mother, likelihood of bequeathing penis size to son 63
Motorcycles, a priori presumption of the continuity of 110, 111
Mourinho, José 23
Nakedness, liberation of in the workplace 14
Nanny, dear old 20
Narthex as metaphor for crotch 117
Neck, relative width to head of 4
Nelson, Sammy, inadvisability of dropping shorts of 11
Netheregions, ball at 107
Niche, as recess for religious statues 118
Niche, as vagina 117
Nipple tassels 24
Northwood, Ann 110
Northwood, Matthew 110
Nose, repeatedly likened to penis 62, 63, 64
Oasis, as in desert spring, not as in versus Blur 88
Old Bulgarian man enjoying goulash, comparison to peep show of 16
Opus Dei 40
Orange, eating of midway through sexual intercourse 11
Orange, stuffed in mouth of dead horse at bottom of Volga 80
Orgy, as inappropriate action to take in times of dwindling global resources 120
Overpopulation, difficulty in getting erection when thinking about 120
Owl, as sexual aide 120
Owl, partially masticated 18
Owl, tawny 116
Ozymandias, King of Kings, likened to penis 64
Paddle, well worn, belonging to Nurse 78
Parrots, erotic potential of 4
Pastry brush 94
Peaks, stiffness of 94
Pelé, implicit comparison to woman’s waxed pudenda 11
Pelé, incredible World Cup winning record of 11
Pen, enormous black highlighter 4
Penis 62, 63, 64, 75, 117
Pennines 116
Pesos, currency 88
Pequod, as gay party boat 95
Pickenfoot, Colonel 18
Piggy in the Middle, as coital arrangement 53
Popcote, Mr, shock of 19
Popcote, Mrs, shock of 19
Portrait, cancellation and possible incurring of a late fee of 33
Prostitutes 49, 69, 121
Pubic hair, lack of trimming of 131
Pyramids of Egypt 87
Raccoon up a chimney stack, as allegory for enthusiastic oral sex 33
Raspberry ripples 100
Reflective garments, safe masturbation within 126
Reins 24
Rennes, disappointing day trip to 18
Rhinoceros 99
Riding crop 66
Rimming 131
Rix, Graham, disappointing performance in penalty shoot-out of 12
Roibos tea 49
Rubber spatula 94
Rubber, stimulating odour of 69
Rue du Vieux Colombier, Paris 52
Rural milkman, as potential sexual partner 100
Russians, gigantic boobs of 72
Russians, resemblance of to Agent Provocateur models 72
Russians, speculation over
what they ingest other than caviar and cock 72
Sadomasochism 2, 26, 27, 66, 70, 73, 122
Salad, Chicken Caesar 28
Samoyedic, Lithuania 103
Sand, as impediment for manual masturbation 89
Sand, as canvas for temporary erotic art 88
Sapphism 32
Sauna 24, 74
Schmetterling as epithet for vulva 85
Schnozzle 15
Seaman, David, inadvisability of lobbing from distance 12
Secret bud, as obnoxious euphemism for clitoris 19
Self-pleasuring, incessantness of, causing concern to parents 114
Sensor unit, placement in sparkplug socket 111
Sex with women, actually gayer than sex with men 29
Shadow puppets 76
Shandy, hand 20
Sheep 87
Shrimp cocktail, erotic potential of 4
Shrunken skull, as sexual aide 96
Sierra Leone 99
Signals, misreading of 38
Signals, for dogging 128
Size of cock, small, chances of entire office being told about 23
Skittles, superiority of purple and orange ones of 48
Skoda 92
Soccer Star sticker album, sexual desirability of completion of 10
Socks, kept on in hope of swift exit 125
Song, as displacement activity during bondage 27
Spa facilities, lack of 96
Spanish onions, likened to testicles 22
Splinters, hazards of 21
Stamboul–Calais coach, deviant sexual practices on 66
Stapleton, Frank, mercurial nature of 10
Starbuck, as maker of unappealing coffee 96
Starbuck, as unappealing potential sex partner 96
Subtitled films, duty watching of 48
Suede pumps, advisability of use of
suede protection spray 101
Summer’s day, comparison to 131
Swahili 97
Swinging 91
Tabasco sauce, as stimulating lubricant 9
Talbot, Brian, adeptness in hole of 12
Tangiers 88
Tappets, adjusting of giving rise to sexual arousal 111
Tarte aux fraises, consumed with grenadine with Cousin Claudette in Aix 114
Temperance Society 20, 22
Tentacle, caressing of penis of 130
Tessellation 102
Thames, River, tidal movements of 21
Thetis, mottledness of if lived in England in February 18
Thomas, Michael, ninety-second minute goal of 10
Tit tape 72
Tlonic Ursprache 104
Toilet, as toilet, not toilette 53
Toilette, as toilette, not toilet 53
Torremolinos 87
Tortilla, erotic potential of 5
Tower Hamlets, borough of London 43
Tower of Pisa, as tortuous metaphor for penis 16, 123
Traffic islands, unsuitability of as locus for masturbation 126
Traffic jams, acceptability of masturbation within 127
Truth, universally acknowledged nature of 107
Tuesdays, as set day for sexual congress in sauna 74
Turkey curry buffet 73
Tüsche 92
Tyler, sensitivity to aftershave and scented lotions 29
Tyler, slight touchiness of 29
Tyre lever, in relation to spanking 111
Undercroft, as in crotch 117
Undercroft, as in undercroft 118
Usher, Madeline 37
Usher, R&B star, completely unrelated in any way to house or story 37, 38, 39
Usher, Roderick 37
Utilitarianism 86
Vampire, likelihood of Prince Andrey being 77
Vaseline 35
Vault, as vagina 117
Vault, for burying family member of Usher 39
Virginity, as feature of men who spend a lot of time in libraries 103
Wagon-Lits, Compagnie Internationale des 65
Whirlygigs, licking thereof 129
Winchester dialect 117
Windward passage, difficulty in penetrating 130
Wolves 116
Yawnsville 35
Yokel, as potential sexual partner 100
Yoknapatawpha County, Swingers Association of 59
Yugoslavia, the former 105