The Best of Frank O'Connor

by Frank O'Connor

  GUESTS OF THE NATION

  AT DUSK the big Englishman Belcher would shift his long legs out of the ashes and ask, ‘Well, chums, what about it?’ and Noble or me would say, ‘As you please, chum’ (for we had picked up some of their curious expressions), and the little Englishman ’Awkins would light the lamp and produce the cards. Sometimes Jeremiah Donovan would come up of an evening and supervise the play, and grow excited over ’Awkins’s cards (which he always played badly), and shout at him as if he was one of our own, ‘Ach, you divil you, why didn’t you play the tray?’ But, ordinarily, Jeremiah was a sober and contented poor devil like the big Englishman Belcher, and was looked up to at all only because he was a fair hand at documents, though slow enough at these, I vow. He wore a small cloth hat and big gaiters over his long pants, and seldom did I perceive his hands outside the pockets of that pants. He reddened when you talked to him, tilting from toe to heel and back and looking down all the while at his big farmer’s feet. His uncommon broad accent was a great source of jest to me, I being from the town as you may recognize.

  I couldn’t at the time see the point of me and Noble being with Belcher and ’Awkins at all, for it was and is my fixed belief you could have planted that pair in any untended spot from this to Claregalway and they’d have stayed put and flourished like a native weed. I never seen in my short experience two men that took to the country as they did.

  They were handed on to us by the Second Battalion to keep when the search for them became too hot, and Noble and myself, being young, took charge with a natural feeling of responsibility. But little ’Awkins made us look right fools when he displayed he knew the countryside as well as we did and something more. ‘You’re the bloke they calls Bonaparte?’ he said to me. ‘Well, Bonaparte, Mary Brigid Ho’Connell was arskin abaout you and said ’ow you’d a pair of socks belonging to ’er young brother.’ For it seemed, as they explained it, that the Second used to have little evenings of their own, and some of the girls of the neighbourhood would turn in, and seeing they were such decent fellows, our lads couldn’t well ignore the two Englishmen, but invited them in and were hail-fellow-well-met with them. ’Awkins told me he learned to dance ‘The Walls of Limerick’ and ‘The Siege of Ennis’ and ‘The Waves of Tory’ in a night or two, though naturally he could not return the compliment, because our lads at that time did not dance foreign dances on principle.

  So whatever privileges and favours Belcher and ’Awkins had with the Second they duly took with us, and after the first evening we gave up all pretence of keeping a close eye on their behaviour. Not that they could have got far, for they had a notable accent and wore khaki tunics and overcoats with civilian pants and boots. But it’s my belief they never had an idea of escaping and were quite contented with their lot.

  Now, it was a treat to see how Belcher got off with the old woman of the house we were staying in. She was a great warrant to scold, and crotchety even with us, but before ever she had a chance of giving our guests, as I may call them, a lick of her tongue, Belcher had made her his friend for life. She was breaking sticks at the time, and Belcher, who hadn’t been in the house for more than ten minutes, jumped up out of his seat and went across to her.

  ‘Allow me, madam,’ he says, smiling his queer little smile; ‘please allow me,’ and takes the hatchet from her hand. She was struck too parlatic to speak, and ever after Belcher would be at her heels carrying a bucket, or basket, or load of turf, as the case might be. As Noble wittily remarked, he got into looking before she leapt, and hot water or any little thing she wanted Belcher would have it ready for her. For such a huge man (and though I am five foot ten myself I had to look up to him) he had an uncommon shortness – or should I say lack – of speech. It took us some time to get used to him walking in and out like a ghost, without a syllable out of him. Especially because ’Awkins talked enough for a platoon, it was strange to hear big Belcher with his toes in the ashes come out with a solitary ‘Excuse me, chum,’ or ‘That’s right, chum.’ His one and only abiding passion was cards, and I will say for him he was a good card-player. He could have fleeced me and Noble many a time; only if we lost to him, ’Awkins lost to us, and ’Awkins played with the money Belcher gave him.

  ’Awkins lost to us because he talked too much, and I think now we lost to Belcher for the same reason. ’Awkins and Noble would spit at one another about religion into the early hours of the morning; the little Englishman as you could see worrying the soul out of young Noble (whose brother was a priest) with a string of questions that would puzzle a cardinal. And to make it worse, even in treating of these holy subjects, ’Awkins had a deplorable tongue; I never in all my career struck across a man who could mix such a variety of cursing and bad language into the simplest topic. Oh, a terrible man was little ’Awkins, and a fright to argue! He never did a stroke of work, and when he had no one else to talk to he fixed his claws into the old woman.

  I am glad to say that in her he met his match, for one day when he tried to get her to complain profanely of the drought she gave him a great comedown by blaming the drought upon Jupiter Pluvius (a deity neither ’Awkins nor I had ever even heard of, though Noble said among the pagans he was held to have something to do with rain). And another day the same ’Awkins was swearing at the capitalists for starting the German war, when the old dame laid down her iron, puckered up her little crab’s mouth and said, ‘Mr ’Awkins, you can say what you please about the war, thinking to deceive me because I’m an ignorant old woman, but I know well what started the war. It was that Italian count that stole the heathen divinity out of the temple in Japan, for believe me, Mr ’Awkins, nothing but sorrow and want follows them that disturbs the hidden powers!’ Oh, a queer old dame, as you remark!

  So one evening we had our tea together, and ’Awkins lit the lamp and we all sat in to cards. Jeremiah Donovan came in too, and sat down and watched us for a while. Though he was a shy man and didn’t speak much, it was easy to see he had no great love for the two Englishmen, and I was surprised it hadn’t struck me so clearly before. Well, like that in the story, a terrible dispute blew up late in the evening between ’Awkins and Noble, about capitalists and priests and love for your own country.

  ‘The capitalists,’ says ’Awkins, with an angry gulp, ‘the capitalists pays the priests to tell you all abaout the next world, so’s you won’t notice what they do in this!’

  ‘Nonsense, man,’ says Noble, losing his temper, ‘before ever a capitalist was thought of people believed in the next world.’

  ‘Awkins stood up as if he was preaching a sermon. ‘Oh, they did, did they?’ he says with a sneer. ‘They believed all the things you believe, that’s what you mean? And you believe that God created Hadam and Hadam created Shem and Shem created Jehoshophat? You believe all the silly hold fairy-tale abaout Heve and Heden and the happle? Well, listen to me, chum. If you’re entitled to ’old to a silly belief like that, I’m entitled to ’old to my own silly belief – which is, that the fust thing your God created was a bleedin’ capitalist with mirality and Rolls Royce complete. Am I right, chum?’ he says then to Belcher.

  ‘You’re right, chum,’ says Belcher, with his queer smile, and gets up from the table to stretch his long legs into the fire and stroke his moustache. So, seeing that Jeremiah Donovan was going, and there was no knowing when the conversation about religion would be over, I took my hat and went out with him. We strolled down towards the village together, and then he suddenly stopped, and blushing and mumbling, and shifting, as his way was, from toe to heel, he said I ought to be behind keeping guard on the prisoners. And I, having it put to me so suddenly, asked him what the hell he wanted a guard on the prisoners at all for, and said that so far as Noble and me were concerned we had talked it over and would rather be out with a column. ‘What use is that pair to us?’ I asked him.

  He looked at me for a spell and said, ‘I thought you knew we were keeping them as hostages.’ ‘Hostages –?’ says I, not quite understanding. ‘The enemy
,’ he says in his heavy way, ‘have prisoners belong’ to us, and now they talk of shooting them. If they shoot our prisoners we’ll shoot theirs, and serve them right.’ ‘Shoot them?’ said I, the possibility just beginning to dawn on me. ‘Shoot them exactly,’ said he. ‘Now,’ said I, ‘wasn’t it very unforeseen of you not to tell me and Noble that?’ ‘How so?’ he asks. ‘Seeing that we were acting as guards upon them, of course.’ ‘And hadn’t you reason enough to guess that much?’ ‘We had not, Jeremiah Donovan, we had not. How were we to know when the men were on our hands so long?’ ‘And what difference does it make? The enemy have our prisoners as long or longer, haven’t they?’ ‘It makes a great difference,’ said I. ‘How so?’ said he sharply; but I couldn’t tell him the difference it made, for I was struck too silly to speak. ‘And when may we expect to be released from this anyway?’ said I. ‘You may expect it tonight,’ says he. ‘Or tomorrow or the next day at latest. So if it’s hanging round here that worries you, you’ll be free soon enough.’

  I cannot explain it even now, how sad I felt, but I went back to the cottage, a miserable man, When I arrived the discussion was still on, ’Awkins holding forth to all and sundry that there was no next world at all and Noble answering in his best canonical style that there was. But I saw ’Awkins was after having the best of it. ‘Do you know what, chum?’ he was saying, with his saucy smile. ‘I think you’re jest as big a bleedin’ hunbeliever as I am. You say you believe in the next world and you know jest as much abaout the next world as I do, which is sweet damn-all. What’s ’Eaven? You dunno. Where’s ’Eaven? You dunno. Who’s in ’Eaven? You dunno. You know sweet damn-all! I arsk you again, do they wear wings?’

  ‘Very well then,’ says Noble, ‘they do; is that enough for you? They do wear wings.’ ‘Where do they get them then? Who makes them? ’Ave they a fact’ry for wings? ’Ave they a sort of store where you ’ands in your chit and tikes your bleedin’ wings? Answer me that.’

  ‘Oh, you’re an impossible man to argue with,’ says Noble. ‘Now listen to me –’ And off the pair of them went again.

  It was long after midnight when we locked up the Englishmen and went to bed ourselves. As I blew out the candle I told Noble what Jeremiah Donovan had told me. Noble took it very quietly. After we had been in bed about an hour he asked me did I think we ought to tell the Englishmen. I having thought of the same thing myself (among many others) said no, because it was more than likely the English wouldn’t shoot our men, and anyhow it wasn’t to be supposed the Brigade who were always up and down with the Second Battalion and knew the Englishmen well would be likely to want them bumped off. ‘I think so,’ says Noble. ‘It would be sort of cruelty to put the wind up them now.’ ‘It was very unforeseen of Jeremiah Donovan anyhow,’ says I, and by Noble’s silence I realized he took my meaning.

  So I lay there half the night, and thought and thought, and picturing myself and young Noble trying to prevent the Brigade from shooting ’Awkins and Belcher sent a cold sweat out through me. Because there were men on the Brigade you daren’t let nor hinder without a gun in your hand, and at any rate, in those days disunion between brothers seemed to me an awful crime. I knew better after.

  It was next morning we found it so hard to face Belcher and ’Awkins with a smile. We went about the house all day scarcely saying a word. Belcher didn’t mind us much; he was stretched into the ashes as usual with his usual look of waiting in quietness for something unforeseen to happen, but little ’Awkins gave us a bad time with his audacious gibing and questioning. He was disgusted at Noble’s not answering him back. ‘Why can’t you tike your beating like a man, chum?’ he says. ‘You with your Hadam and Heve! I’m a Communist – or an Anarchist. An Anarchist, that’s what I am.’ And for hours after he went round the house, mumbling when the fit took him ‘Hadam and Heve! Hadam and Heve!’

  I don’t know clearly how we got over that day, but get over it we did, and a great relief it was when the tea things were cleared away and Belcher said in his peaceable manner, ‘Well, chums, what about it?’ So we all sat round the table and ’Awkins produced the cards, and at that moment I heard Jeremiah Donovan’s footsteps up the path, and a dark presentiment crossed my mind. I rose quietly from the table and laid my hand on him before he reached the door. ‘What do you want?’ I asked him. ‘I want those two soldier friends of yours,’ he says reddening. ‘Is that the way it is, Jeremiah Donovan?’ I ask. ‘That’s the way. There were four of our lads went west this morning, one of them a boy of sixteen.’ ‘That’s bad, Jeremiah,’ says I.

  At that moment Noble came out, and we walked down the path together talking in whispers. Feeney, the local intelligence officer, was standing by the gate. ‘What are you going to do about it?’ I asked Jeremiah Donovan. ‘I want you and Noble to bring them out: you can tell them they’re being shifted again; that’ll be the quietest way.’ ‘Leave me out of that,’ says Noble suddenly. Jeremiah Donovan looked at him hard for a minute or two. ‘All right so,’ he said peaceably. ‘You and Feeney collect a few tools from the shed and dig a hole by the far end of the bog. Bonaparte and I’ll be after you in about twenty minutes. But whatever elseyou do, don’t let anyone see you with the tools. No one must know but the four of ourselves.’

  We saw Feeney and Noble go round to the houseen where the tools were kept, and sidled in. Everything if I can so express myself was tottering before my eyes, and I left Jeremiah Donovan to do the explaining as best he could, while I took a seat and said nothing. He told them they were to go back to the Second. ’Awkins let a mouthful of curses out of him at that, and it was plain that Belcher, though he said nothing, was duly perturbed. The old woman was for having them stay in spite of us, and she did not shut her mouth until Jeremiah Donovan lost his temper and said some nasty things to her. Within the house by this time it was pitch dark, but no one thought of lighting the lamp, and in the darkness the two Englishmen fetched their khaki topcoats and said good-bye to the woman of the house. ‘Just as a man mikes a ’ome of a bleedin’ place,’ mumbles ’Awkins, shaking her by the hand, ‘some bastard at Headquarters thinks you’re too cushy and shunts you off.’ Belcher shakes her hand very hearty. ‘A thousand thanks, madam,’ he says, ‘a thousand thanks for everything …’ as though he’d made it all up.

  We go round to the back of the house and down towards the fatal bog. Then Jeremiah Donovan comes out with what is in his mind. ‘There were four of our lads shot by your fellows this morning so now you’re to be bumped off.’ ‘Cut that stuff out,’ says ’Awkins, flaring up. ‘It’s bad enough to be mucked about such as we are without you plying at soldiers.’ ‘It’s true,’ says Jeremiah Donovan, ‘I’m sorry, ’Awkins, but ’tis true,’ and comes out with the usual rigmarole about doing our duty and obeying our superiors. ‘Cut it out,’ says ’Awkins irritably. ‘Cut it out!’

  Then, when Donovan sees he is not being believed he turns to me. ‘Ask Bonaparte here,’ he says. ‘I don’t need to arsk Bonaparte. Me and Bonaparte are chums.’ ‘Isn’t it true, Bonaparte?’ says Jeremiah Donovan solemnly to me. ‘It is,’ I say sadly, ‘it is.’ ’Awkins stops. ‘Now, for Christ’s sike.…’ ‘I mean it, chum,’ I say. ‘You daon’t saound as if you mean it. You knaow well you don’t mean it.’ ‘Well, if he don’t I do,’ says Jeremiah Donovan. ‘Why the ’ell sh’d you want to shoot me, Jeremiah Donovan?’ ‘Why the hell should your people take out four prisoners and shoot them in cold blood upon a barrack square?’ I perceive Jeremiah Donovan is trying to encourage himself with hot words.

  Anyway, he took little ’Awkins by the arm and dragged him on, but it was impossible to make him understand that we were in earnest. From which you will perceive how difficult it was for me, as I kept feeling my Smith and Wesson and thinking what I would do if they happened to put up a fight or ran for it, and wishing in my heart they would. I knew if only they ran I would never fire on them. ‘Was Noble in this?’ ’Awkins wanted to know, and we said yes. He laughed. But why should Noble want to shoot
him? Why should we want to shoot him? What had he done to us? Weren’t we chums (the word lingers painfully in my memory)? Weren’t we? Didn’t we understand him and didn’t he understand us? Did either of us imagine for an instant that he’d shoot us for all the so-and-so brigadiers in the so-and-so British Army? By this time I began to perceive in the dusk the desolate edges of the bog that was to be their last earthly bed, and, so great a sadness overtook my mind, I could not answer him. We walked along the edge of it in the darkness, and every now and then ’Awkins would call a halt and begin again, just as if he was wound up, about us being chums, and I was in despair that nothing but the cold and open grave made ready for his presence would convince him that we meant it all. But all the same, if you can understand, I didn’t want him to be bumped off.

  At last we saw the unsteady glint of a lantern in the distance and made towards it. Noble was carrying it, and Feeney stood somewhere in the darkness behind, and somehow the picture of the two of them so silent in the boglands was like the pain of death in my heart. Belcher, on recognizing Noble, said ‘’Allo, chum’ in his usual peaceable way, but ’Awkins flew at the poor boy immediately, and the dispute began all over again, only that Noble hadn’t a word to say for himself, and stood there with the swaying lantern between his gaitered legs.

  It was Jeremiah Donovan who did the answering. ’Awkins asked for the twentieth time (for it seemed to haunt his mind) if anybody thought he’d shoot Noble. ‘You would,’ says Jeremiah Donovan shortly. ‘I wouldn’t, damn you!’ ‘You would if you knew you’d be shot for not doing it.’ ‘I wouldn’t, not if I was to be shot twenty times over; he’s my chum. And Belcher wouldn’t – isn’t that right, Belcher?’ ‘That’s right, chum,’ says Belcher peaceably. ‘Damned if I would. Anyway, who says Noble’d beshot if I wasn’t bumped off? What d’you think I’d do if I was in Noble’s place and we were out in the middle of a blasted bog?’ ‘What would you do?’ ‘I’d go with him wherever he was going. I’d share my last bob with him and stick by ’im through thick and thin.’