Bad Actor

by Sarah Michelle Lynch

  As the magic sweeps me up, I don’t think about anything else.

  In my dressing room once it’s all over, I hug myself, staring into the mirror. I have my bare feet pulled up onto the edge of my seat and if only this comfy leather chair rocked back and forth, eh. The exhaustion is consuming and now I have to take myself out there to the bar and mingle, receive feedback and pretend I’m not terrified, even when I am.

  There’s a barrage of knocks on my door and multiple people laugh before I hear the director call, “Come on stud, we’ll meet you out there!”

  That sounds positive, so at least I did the boss proud.

  It feels as though I’ve fallen into the valley of possibilities suddenly, taken a nose dive and somehow hit the ground running. I’m now surrounded by a new landscape and it scares me. I carried a West End play tonight and people clapped… they cheered. I’m almost twenty-seven years old and a decade of education, learning and career mishaps have finally brought me to this… to the future… to where I’m meant to be.

  So, where does that leave Lily and me? What does this all mean? I don’t know why I can’t enjoy this moment but for so long it has felt like everything is against us ever getting together – and now the happiest time of my working life might prove to be one of them. If I’ve done good, then things are going to change and I won’t be some nobody anymore.

  There’s another knock on the door just as I’ve finished removing my stage make-up.

  “I’m bloody well coming,” I groan.

  “Oh, it’s me… Lily,” she whispers from behind the door.

  Shit. Fuck. Piss.

  “Erm, come in.”

  I stand, I don’t know why, but I stand.

  She quickly lets herself in because she knows she shouldn’t be back here, like a naughty schoolgirl sneaking into the boys’ locker room. After shutting the door, she strides towards me, then throws her arms around me.

  “I snuck in because I had to tell you, that was amazing, I am so proud of you. You were a spectacle, Theo. I’m so happy for you, I can’t tell you, I am!” She pulls away from our hug but plants a lip-smacking kiss on my cheek. “Oh my god, I thought I was going to die. It felt like you were playing to just me and I felt like I was going to—”

  She stops speaking, suddenly aware she’s off on a tangent.

  “Going to what?” I snicker.

  “I don’t know. Anyway, how did it feel to you? Did you… do you think it went well?”

  She steps back a little bit and I’m finally able to appreciate her fully, with her wild cat’s eyes, flush cheeks and long hair falling down her back. She’s wearing heels and my favourite item in her wardrobe, her midnight-blue silk dress which falls below her knees but accentuates her tiny waist and big boobs. What’s stopping me from taking her right now? Throwing her up into my arms and ploughing into her, right here…

  I decide to do something else, even though she takes my breath away, every single time we’re in any room together.

  “I’m scared,” I admit. “I’m terrified. I’ve been hiding in here. They’re all out there, probably discussing me, and I’m scared, Lily.”

  She starts shaking her head and puts her handbag down on the surface of my dressing table, coming back towards me. Taking my cheeks in her hands, she stands almost nose to nose with me and whispers, “No, Theo. No. You sparkled. You shined.” I see tears in her eyes and yet her smile couldn’t be wider. “I saw you born. I saw the stars marvel at you, not you at them. You.”

  There’s a devastating moment where we’re so close, her perfume creating a fug in my soul, so I can’t see or smell anything else but her. Then she looks down at the floor and begins to pull away – as though I’ve hurt her or some memory just got to her.

  I grab her waist before she can leave and take her in my arms, commanding, “Don’t go.”

  “Okay,” she says, looking surprised.

  I drown in the blueness of her eyes while she searches my face, astonished, a little drunk on something.

  Out of nowhere, we’re kissing so frantically I can’t even see or think or do anything but try to breathe. I pull her in tight and feel her soft body fit perfectly into mine. I can’t help myself because my hand reaches down to grip her arse and pull her against my erection. I’m lashing my tongue against hers and she’s clinging onto my shoulders, her arms wrapped tight around me.

  We break apart for some reason – maybe it was getting too frenzied with too many people close by. We’re both breathless when we stare at one another, shocked and amazed. Her lipstick is smudged and I have half of it on my face as I glance in the mirror to see my reflection, red and stunned, not myself.

  “I shouldn’t have done that,” she says.

  Did she? Okay, I guess she did.

  “I wanted you to,” I murmur, my mouth now full of sand.

  She grabs one of my tissues and fixes her face in the mirror. Temptation gets the better of me and I slide in behind her, arms around her waist, taking in a breath of her hair and the way her round bottom nudges my cock.

  Our eyes lock in the mirror and she looks at me longingly. “You’re amazing, Theo. You took my breath away. I’m so thankful you invited me. I loved it.”

  I don’t want to let her leave my side but she grins as she’s leaving the room.

  Once she’s gone, I’m so fucking confused I don’t even know which way up the earth is.

  Time to shine, I guess.

  Chapter Seven

  One extremely cold shower later, I walk out into the bar area and the first thing I clap eyes on is Gustav talking to Lily by the bar. She’s trying to mind her own business but he’s looming over her, attempting conversation. As soon as my presence is recognised and the clapping of applause commences, however Gustav is by my side within a flash, eager to take credit. I catch Lily’s eyes and she lets me know she’s fine and he’s certainly a character, isn’t he? It occurs to me how amazing it is to have a friend you’re so in tune with and can read that easily.

  “Thank you, thanks everybody,” Gustav yells, even though the clapping is for me, not him.

  I think everyone in the room knows that, but it would be nice if he would back the fuck off just once.

  “When I was in France and discovered this unique new talent” – he points at me, taking even more credit – “I was as amazed as you are now, if not more so. I was amazed he was in some two-bit ratty old theatre and not here, gracing a stage as renowned as the Garrick, built for the likes of Theo Richards, who will soon need no introduction and whose star will shine so bright, it will force us to look even further than the lofty heights of the high ceilings in this beautiful setting, where tonight, a star is born.”

  I’m wondering how drunk he is when he continues, “We all would like to say, from the bottom of our hearts, thank you for setting the stage on fire and for being the most tremendous colleague, friend and mentor we could all ever hope to have. Undiscovered no more, Theo Richards everybody!”

  I’m shocked and almost astounded when the other actors come forward with a huge bouquet of red roses, a bottle of champagne and an oyster card loaded with £100 (I’m always misplacing mine; it’s a little bit of an in-joke).

  Once the applause has died down I realise I’m expected to talk and I turn to look at Lily, sat with her hands steepled, trying to hold in her tears. I see how proud she is and realise I can do this. Being out there as myself might not be my favourite thing, but I can do this.

  “Thanks everyone, but what Gustav didn’t say just then was why he was in a two-bit theatre, hey?” The room explodes into laughter and wolf-whistles because everyone knows his penchant for hiding at the back of theatres and looking for talent – not always of the theatrical variety.

  “This is the role of a lifetime for any actor, from taking on a massively abridged version at school – which I didn’t do by the way, the part went to a friend and I was viciously jealous” – more applause – “to playing in two-bit theatres abroad or even in little
villages and towns across the UK, it’s the role all male actors vie for, just as actresses vie for Lady Macbeth, Viola or King Lear…”

  More applause mixed with laughing and a chance to catch my breath.

  “Seriously, guys. This is the role of a lifetime and it’s come to me relatively early in this actor’s life. I felt enormous pressure to present Gustav’s vision seeing as though he took a chance on me, but also to do this right for the rest of the cast and to do it right for the Garrick. Also, of course, to make my mother and friends proud, to do the script proud, to do myself proud and my wonderful, beautiful girl, Lily.” I turn to look at her by the bar and she flushes bright red. Everyone turns to observe the brunette beauty keeping a low profile and a few seem to grin as though they knew I must have a woman tucked away somewhere. Meanwhile Lily can only look on, astonished. I really hope what I just said was okay but I don’t have time to agonise now, not with everyone still waiting for more from me. “But the most enormous pressure I felt coming into this was to my younger self who never could have dreamed of this happening, let alone in such fantastic company. This is the dream of a young boy realised. A young boy who followed his fashion photographer mother around the world and could only look at the beautiful people and dream of one day being as amazing as they were. Well, I didn’t become a model like my mother always wanted me to, following in her footsteps, because actually I found something much better. I’ve discovered that the only way for me to truly be natural in front of other people is to be other people and I know there are contradictions in that, but it’s true. The chance to do this is a dream – and I know I’m repeating myself by the way” – everyone laughs – “but most of all, it’s a chance to give you the escapism I’ve always craved and I think in this day and age, that is becoming more and more important and I love everyone who supports the arts, champions the arts, believes in it and never gives up. Because as someone once said, the only difference between us standing here and the others is that we never gave up, so thank you, thank you, thank you.”

  The gathered Garrick friends, the cast, the crew, the theatre staff all smack their hands together until they can’t take it anymore.

  “I’m too tired to mingle tonight,” I whisper in Gustav’s ear, “will that be enough?”

  “Bugger off and let me take care of the rest,” he whispers, tipping me a wink.

  I knew he wouldn’t say no because it means he can take even more credit and I can get the fuck out of here. Tonight was just to test the waters and I think we’ve done that successfully. This is all so new and terrifying and I don’t think I could have given any more.

  A little later, Lily and I find ourselves in Five Guys. She tugs on my sleeve as I’m ordering and says, “I’m having a veggie burger. You’ve ordered two beef.” She’s pointing at the order screen as our server is getting the drinks.

  “They’re both for me, I’ll order yours in a mo. I haven’t eaten all day, nerves and all that.”

  She lifts her hands up with a lot of laughter trapped behind her eyes as we stand in a very crowded, very public place.

  “Yeah, we want three lots of fries, too, the ones with all the stuff on them,” I add, shocking the flustered server, “and a veggie burger, oh and can I have a side of slaw please?” I have a think and decide, “Make that two sides of slaw.”

  “It’s a bit fucking pricey,” she mumbles against my ear.

  “Yeah but worth it,” I growl back.

  The drinks are on the tray in front of me and after I’ve paid, she swipes her milkshake out from under me, desperate to slake her thirst, so it seems – or else she’s heard about the shakes here and can’t wait to see if they are as good as they’re made out to be.

  We wait to the side of the serving space as our orders are prepared. It’s packed in here which is unsurprising for a Saturday night… except it’s almost midnight. I guess the world never does sleep.

  Once our burgers are delivered, we escape to two tall stools and sit huddled together in a corner of the room, our food in front of us on the bar, which suits us given we’re both tall and would struggle to get our knees under a small table.

  “I’m really sorry but I just have to eat now,” I explain.

  “I’m really sorry but I also have to eat now,” she agrees, tearing the wrapper off her burger.

  For a while we get caught up eating grease, cheese, etcetera, then she looks up at me. “How come you only invited me tonight?”

  I grab a great load of cheesy fries and contemplate my answer while I munch on them. Sipping her shake slowly between bites of her veggie burger, she regards me carefully, as though maybe seeing someone new.

  “I will invite everyone else when the show is on proper. I just wanted you here tonight so if it was wank, you’d tell me and save me the embarrassment.”

  Between nibbling through a slice of gherkin, which she removed from her burger and is now enjoying bit by bit, she mutters, “Oh, yeah, it was absolute tripe. You need to tell Gus or Gustav or whatever it is he calls himself…”

  “He did not say he was called Gus!” I almost spit my burger out.

  She throws her head back laughing. “Oh my god, he did. He did! He got all casual and said his name was Gus and would I like to come live with him in his fucking mansion? Thankfully you pre-warned me about him or I might have decked him there and then.”

  My chest shakes so hard, I almost cry tears of laughter. “His accent is so bad.”

  “It’s so bad,” she says giggling, “and why? Why the need to put on a posh accent? If he wanted to impress me, he could start by getting his teeth done. I mean for fuck’s sake. I know we have bad teeth in this country, but fuck he could at least pay for a tube of toothpaste and brush.”

  We go quiet while I mull over what she said. “So, it is tripe?”

  “Not your delivery or anything, but his props, the modern settings in hair salons and all that crap, a load of shit. He was kind of shitting on Shakespeare. Nothing wrong with the original.”

  I slurp some coke and finish my first burger. “It’s terrifically mad and I told him that but as you saw, people seemed to lap it up. I’m glad it’s only a packed three-week run or I’d have to say something.”

  She looks into the distance and muses. “Why do people have to keep redoing Shakespeare over and over, tweaking it more and more? Either with the Elizabethan or modern setting, they’re always trying to change and improve or find a different slant or whatever. I mean, it’s always been the same play at heart. It should be the same play, right?”

  “It was, just with Gustav’s Hammer House of Horror take on it!”

  She throws her head back laughing again, chuckling even though her mouth is full and she’s having to cover it up.

  “It’s a start though, right? You’ve gotta bullshit a bit to get anywhere in this business, that’s all. I think if anything, the shitter it is, the more attention it’ll get. We’ve got the proper critics coming in next Saturday and that’s when Gus will find out if he’s won them over or sent their stomachs churning.”

  She nods knowingly. “This is only the start. You’ll do so much more, I know you will. I think we should get some drinks after here and celebrate this new era of Theo Richards. He’s brighter, shinier, new. He’s who I always knew was lurking under there.”

  I enjoy her optimism and faith, but also, I can’t help but feel she’s still not over Paul and might be trying to trip and fall into my arms, just to get over him.

  I use my wooden fork to eat the slaw and mutter, “Imagine if I turned around and said, ‘Gus, yer fucking play’s shite, mate. Sort it out.’ Do you think he’d listen?”

  She gives me a serious look as I deadpan, but eventually we break into fits of giggles again.

  “Nah, no way,” I chuckle heartily. “At least it’s not forever. At least there will be other roles, I hope. Ones where my jeans and t-shirt aren’t so unnecessarily tight.”

  “I don’t know,” she says, “that aspect of the play
I actually quite liked.”

  I flush crimson, or at least it feels like I do. I tip back a load of coke, hoping to cool down as she knowingly watches me. I start on my second burger even though I’m already feeling full.

  “Do you want some of this?” I ask her.

  “I’m trying to be healthy, hence the veggie.”

  “Fuck the veggie and try half of this, you won’t regret it.”

  “You twisted my arm.”

  I use a wooden knife to cut the burger in half which isn’t so easy. I hand over her half and she gets it in her mouth. Immediately, her eyes roll into the back of her head.

  “What’s that taste?” she asks.

  “Meat,” I announce, “bloody meat.”

  “Bloody hell,” she says, munching enthusiastically even when she probably didn’t think she needed anything else.

  New diners take their seats close by so our corner is no longer private and we become conscious of having our conversation overhead. The rest of our time in here passes silently while I chew my way through the best of the fries and scrape out the last of the slaw. I offer her the slaw over and over but her response is to pick a packet of chewing gum out of her pocket and hand it over to me for afterwards.

  “Man, I needed that,” I announce, having eaten more than I should. We stand up to leave but she’s still holding her milkshake. “What’s with that?”

  “This is feckin’ good milkshake, I’m savouring this little bastard it’s so good. Let’s go.”

  I follow her out and we land on the street. She whistles for a cab with the expertise of a seasoned Londoner and one screeches to a halt.

  “Where are we going?” I ask, my mouth full of minty gum.

  “My hotel, they have a bar and it’s quiet. It’s nice. Trust me.”

  I say nothing and do nothing but obey. I could really do with a drink and some peace and quiet.

  We make it to Brown’s and I give her a big smile. “Someone’s treated themselves.”