Rae of Sunshine

by Micalea Smeltzer

  And now he was twenty-two and it was still happening.

  It was awful—but sadly, stuff like this happened all the time. People either didn’t notice or looked the other way.

  I began to think of how painful the last year of my life had been and how Cade had been dealing with this for seven years. I suddenly felt selfish for how I had dealt with things. Yes, what I did was wrong, there was no denying that and I knew it would always haunt me. But there were other people out there suffering, it wasn’t just me. I’d overlooked everyone else’s pain, because I’d selfishly believed that my pain was greater than others—as if suffering was some kind of competition to be won.

  Cade slipped into the vehicle and reached over to squeeze my knee. I couldn’t help the small smile that graced my lips in response.

  “Ready?” He asked, glancing back at Thea.

  “Yep,” she nodded.

  “Let’s get out of here,” he sighed, and his words were heavy with meaning.

  He looked at the house one last time, and then backed out of the driveway.

  Instead of going straight to the dorms the three of us stopped at the diner for breakfast.

  Cade sat beside me, his hand resting on my leg where Thea couldn’t see. I felt like this weekend had changed something. There were no more secrets between us. It felt good having him know. I’d thought once he knew he would hate me, or look at me like everyone else did—with disgust and pity—but he didn’t. Cade never ceased to amaze me.

  I knew I still had a long way to go until I was healed and ready to truly move on with my life, but I felt like with Cade’s help I was going to get there. It didn’t seem like this insurmountable feat anymore.

  Thea stretched out in the booth and looked over at the two of us. She seemed to be trying to figure out exactly what was going on. I knew once we were alone in our dorm I would end up assaulted with a billion questions—none of which I’d have any answers for. I was clueless as to exactly what Cade and I were to each other, and that was fine. I didn’t see the point in rushing things.

  Cade looked down at his phone and then at us. “Hey, I got a text from Jace. He’s playing a bar tonight. You want to go?” He looked at me when he asked the question.

  “Sure. Sounds good.” I smiled. It was better than staying in the dorm all evening—which was funny since when I arrived on campus my plan had been to lie low all year. So much for that.

  “I’m in,” Thea shrugged, taking a sip of water.

  The waitress brought our food and my stomach rumbled. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was.

  “So, Jace is a musician?” I asked.

  Cade shrugged. “He plays guitar and sings, but he’s really an artist.”

  “Really?” My eyes widened in surprise as I thought of the blond haired, tattooed guy. “An artist?”

  “Yeah,” Thea piped in, “he does these amazing pen and ink drawings. He’s really talented. He even does sculptures.”

  “Wow,” I gasped in awe. “I had no idea.”

  “He does tattoos too—draws them, I mean,” she added. “All the ones he has he designed himself.”

  “That’s really cool.” I meant it too. While I was into photography—which was obviously creative—I’d never known someone that was an artist the way Jace was.

  “Yeah,” she agreed. “I’m thinking of having him design a tattoo for me. I haven’t decided what I want yet, though.”

  “It should be something important.”

  “Do you have any?” She asked me.

  “No,” I laughed, shaking my head.

  “Cade does,” she grinned. “Jace designed that one too and our parent’s were livid when they saw it.”

  “You have a tattoo?” I gasped. “Can I see it?” The words tumbled from my mouth and my cheeks colored when I realized what I’d asked.

  He appeared sheepish. “It’s not that big of a deal. And,” his voice lowered, “I’d have to take my shirt off for you to see it.”

  “I’ve seen you shirtless before and I never noticed a tattoo.”

  Shit. I’d said that in front of Thea. Now she was really going to ask me questions.

  Cade chuckled, ducking his head so strands of dark hair fell forward to hide his face. “It’s on my shoulder.”

  “Oh.” That explained it.

  Leaning towards me, he whispered in my ear, “It’s a sun. Ironic, huh?”

  “A sun?” I choked.

  He nodded, nuzzling his head closer to the crook of my neck. My pulse jumped. “Yeah, because I always wanted to carry a little ray of light with me—so even when things got bad I’d be reminded that the sun will always shine again.”

  I swallowed thickly. I didn’t know what to say.

  He brushed his lips against my ear and my body jumped in response, which made him chuckle. “So jumpy,” he murmured and pulled away.

  I relaxed, but instantly missed the warmth of his body.

  Cade started talking to Thea about something, but I wasn’t paying attention. I was lost in my thoughts and still reeling from the fact that his tattoo was of a sun. What were the odds?

  We finished our meal and Cade dropped us off at our dorm before departing.

  “Did you enjoy your weekend?” Thea asked while unpacking her bag.

  I nodded. “Yeah, I did.” Despite the weirdness with their mom and dad I did enjoy myself. Even more important was the fact that I’d shared my secret with Cade and he was okay with it. I’d never expected that reaction from him—or anyone. I hated myself for what happened, so naturally I assumed that everyone else would too. Telling Cade the truth had been freeing. I wondered if I should consider seeing a therapist again. Maybe now would be a better time, because the last one hadn’t been able to do much good.

  I knew in my heart that I was finally ready to heal and restore myself to the Rachael I once was. She didn’t have to die because her friends did. Instead, she had to live because they couldn’t.

  nineteen

  I bubbled with excitement—and I wasn’t sure if it was because we were going out, or because I was going to see Cade again. Probably because I was going to see him. We’d only parted this morning and I was already desperate to see him. That was scary and exciting all at the same time.

  I changed into a ratty pair of jeans and a loose cream-colored sweater that draped over one shoulder. My long brown hair hung in curls down my back. Thea had opted to leave her hair curly as well. I smiled when I saw she wore some of her new clothes from our shopping excursion with Nova. She looked killer in a leather skirt, black boots, a white shirt, and studded leather jacket. Yeah, I could totally get used to this new badass Thea. The pink had been overwhelming.

  “Are you ready?” She asked, twirling in front of the mirror. She smiled at her reflection. I got the impression she was glad to be rid of the pink too—although her pink bedspread stayed.

  “Yeah,” I told her, grabbing my own army green jacket.

  She looked me up and down and grinned. “It’s like we did a role reversal.”

  I had to laugh. It was kind of true. I was wearing less black and Thea was wearing more.

  “It is,” I agreed.

  “You know,” she sobered, “I think we needed each other.”

  I mulled over her words. In a way, I had needed Thea. She had managed to start breaking down my walls and weaseled her way into my heart—becoming my best friend. “Yeah, you’re right. We did.” I paused, unsure if I should continue. “Thank you.”

  “Thank you?” She repeated with a mystified look on her face. “What are you thanking me for?”

  “For being my friend.”

  “Oh.” Her face softened. “You don’t need to thank me for that. Besides, I feel like I’ve been a pretty shitty friend. I’m still sorry for that night at the club.”

  I laughed. “Thea, I forgave you and I meant it.”

  She shrugged, a sad look on her face. “I haven’t forgiven myself.”

  “Well, you should.” I pulled my
hair over one shoulder. “We should go. Cade said he was here like five minutes ago.”

  Thea giggled. “Yeah, if we take much longer he’ll bat his eyes and sweet talk some poor defenseless girl into letting him into the dorm.”

  “He definitely could…” I paused and tilted my head. “Has Cade ever had a girlfriend?” I couldn’t imagine a twenty-two year old guy never having a girlfriend, but stranger things had happened.

  Thea’s face screwed up. “That’s not my story to tell. You’ll have to ask him.”

  “Did he get screwed over?”

  She pursed her lips. “Something like that.”

  I let it drop, because I knew Thea wouldn’t say anything else. She might’ve been the younger sibling, but she was as protective of Cade as he was of her.

  When we reached the stairway to head down to lobby I wasn’t surprised to see Cade coming up the steps. I started laughing and couldn’t seem to stop.

  “What’s so funny?” He asked his sister.

  She shrugged. “We just had a conversation about how we were taking too long and you’d find a way into the building.”

  He smirked. “I’m glad you both know me so well.”

  My eyes slithered up and down his body. Jeans hung low on his hips and he wore a dark green sweater. His hair was still damp from a shower, making it appear nearly black instead of its normal brown. Stubble dotted his cheeks and his eyes were bright and happy.

  “Like what you see?” He smirked.

  I blushed at having been caught staring. “Only a little.”

  He chuckled at my reply. “Only a little? Should I take my shirt off to bump that statement up to a lot?”

  Several girls stopped on the stairs at his words and swiveled to look at him.

  “Keep your shirt on,” I warned. There was no reason to give the whole dorm a show.

  “I’m thinking I should.” He smiled playfully and began to ease up his shirt, exposing his toned stomach with those drool-worthy indents that disappeared into his jeans. A trail of hair started beneath his belly button and disappeared just like the indents. Before he raised it anymore he shrugged and let it drop back into place. “Never mind. It’s cold. I might get frostbite.”

  I’m pretty sure one of the girls behind me whimpered.

  I quirked a brow. “I don’t think you can get frostbite in a dorm.”

  “Hey, you never know, and I like to err on the side of caution.” He looked around at the leering girls still occupying the steps. “On second thought it looks like being eaten is more likely than frostbite. It’s like I’m man-meat or something.” Taking a dramatic bow he jogged down the steps. “Have a wonderful evening, ladies!” When neither Thea or I moved, Cade huffed, “Don’t make me show my abs again. We’re going to be late.”

  Thea and I rushed down the stairs.

  Cade grinned proudly. “Now I know how to get you guys to do what I want.”

  “Oh, shut up.” Thea pushed his shoulder.

  Cade bowed his head, laughing. I loved watching the two of them interact. Cade slung his arm over her shoulder and they started for the door. Suddenly, he looked back and his eyes connected with mine. He grinned slowly. “Are you coming, Sunshine?”

  Always.

  ***

  The bar was packed when we arrived, but Xander and Jace had snagged a booth for all of us. Cade slid in first across the black vinyl, beside Xander, and grabbed my hand so that I was forced to sit beside him—as if it was such a burden to be close to Cade.

  “Hey, guys,” I said to the other two.

  Xander smiled and Jace gave me a head nod. They both seemed like guys of few words.

  “I didn’t know you were a musician, Jace.”

  He looked up at my words and shrugged. “I’m not.”

  Thea rolled her eyes. “He’s amazing.”

  “No, I’m not,” he mumbled, looking around the bar broodily. “I’m going to smoke.”

  He slipped out of the booth and disappeared.

  Thea sighed and looked at me sympathetically. “That’s just Jacen. Don’t take it personally.”

  Cade nudged my shoulder. “He’s kind of like you. Bristly like a porcupine but once you get to know him he’s a fluffy teddy bear on the inside.”

  I snorted. “I doubt that, and are you comparing me to a porcupine and teddy bear?”

  He grinned, squeezing my knee. “You know it’s true.”

  It was true. I was feeling less and less like that prickly porcupine and more like the squishy teddy bear. I didn’t have to hate myself. I didn’t have to hate the fact that I was alive. I’d been punishing myself for too long and it couldn’t continue. It didn’t mean I had to forget my friends, just that I had to forgive myself. And forgiving? That was hard.

  “You guys!” We all looked up to see a winded Jace sliding back into the booth. I’d never seen him so exuberant before. His green eyes were bright with excitement. “I just saw the hottest chick I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. Like…damn.” He whistled. “She was driving a fucking motorcycle. It was the sexiest thing ever.”

  Could it be…?

  “Did she have purple hair?” I piped in.

  Jace turned to look at me, his mouth falling open in surprise. “Yeah, do you know her?”

  “She’s my friend. We have some classes together.”

  Jace grinned. I was pretty sure it was the first time I’d ever seen him smile. He had a nice smile. It transformed his whole face. “Would you introduce me?”

  “Sure,” I shrugged. I didn’t see the harm in that.

  I looked around and when I saw her step inside I waved her over. She smiled and pushed her way through the crowd around the bar.

  “Hey,” she stopped at the table. “This place is packed. I didn’t think I was going to get a seat at the bar. You’re a life saver.”

  I slid closer to Cade and Thea slid closer to me so we could make room for the new addition.

  “Nova, this is Jace. You didn’t get to meet him the other day. He’s another friend of Cade’s.”

  “Jace,” she seemed to be mulling over the name. “You wouldn’t happen to be Jacen Andrews would you?”

  “Yeah.” Jace’s eyes widened in surprise and he sat up straighter.

  “Oh my God,” Nova gushed, “I’ve seen some of your drawings. You’re amazing.” She suddenly blushed. “Sorry, I sound like a gushing fangirl, but I’ve always wanted to draw like that.”

  Jace cracked a half smile and smoothed his hair out of his eyes. The look he gave her could only be described as a smolder. Oh yeah, Jace was putting the moves on Nova. This was funny to watch. I kind of wanted to lean back and munch on popcorn while it all played out.

  “Really?” He leaned forward, like he was trying to bridge the gap the table provided. “Maybe I could give you lessons sometime?”

  “That would be awesome,” Nova chimed.

  “Excellent,” Jace grinned, and slipped from the booth. “If you’ll excuse me, it’s time for me to play.”

  “Play?” Nova asked, looking around at the four of us as Jace disappeared.

  “You’ll see,” Cade chuckled, reaching over to play with a strand of my hair. Leaning into me, he rubbed his nose against my cheek. “You have the softest hair.”

  “And you seem to like playing with it,” I commented.

  He grinned, tucking the piece behind my ear. He made sure to sweep his thumb over my cheek. “I like to see your face. That’s why I play with your hair. You tend to hide behind it.” Brushing his lips against my ear, his voice lowered so no one could hear. “You don’t need to hide, Rachael. Not ever. And definitely not from me.”

  When he said stuff like that it did make me want to hide, because I didn’t want him to see just how much those words meant to me.

  His hand fell away and he returned to his previous position, as if none of that had happened.

  I took several deep, steadying breaths.

  One person should not turn your whole body into a flutter
ing mass of butterflies, but Cade did that. It was a good feeling too. One I could get used to. I could get used to him—having him in my life as more than a friend.

  Cade glanced down at me and grinned, his dimples popping out. “What?” He asked. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

  “Sorry,” I shook my head, “I didn’t know I was.”

  His smile softened and his eyes twinkled. “It’s okay, I like that you were looking.”

  “Why?” I asked, not caring that Thea was beside me, listening to every word we spoke.

  “Because it gives me hope that you have feelings for me too.”

  “I do have feelings for you,” I admitted, the words falling from my mouth before I could stop them. A part of me wished that I could bend down and pick them up and pretend I’d never said it—but word vomit was mess that couldn’t be wiped away.

  Despite my embarrassment, my words were true. I did have feelings for Cade. Strong feelings. I wasn’t sure when they first surfaced, but they were there, and growing stronger every day. The fact that I’d spent the afternoon missing him proved that. And now that he knew what I’d done, there really was nothing holding me back except my own hang-ups—that I might cause someone else I cared about to die, like I was some kind of grim reaper or something.

  “These feelings you have, are they good feelings?”

  I laughed. Only Cade. “Yes, very good.” There was no point in lying now. Besides, I was sick and tired of denying my feelings to him and myself. I didn’t have to be ashamed. Not anymore.

  He grinned like a little boy who’d just been given the best Christmas present ever.

  He was cut off from saying anything further as Jace’s voice rang out around us.

  Jace didn’t bother to introduce himself to the patrons. His voice was soft, almost hesitant as he started, but as the song picked up so did his voice. He closed his eyes and I knew he felt the words he was singing.

  “Holy shit,” Nova muttered. “I think I just fell in love.”

  I snorted at that. Cade turned to me at the sound, the same grin still on his face. I loved his smile, and maybe if given a little more time, I could fall in love with him.

  Then again, maybe I was already there and too stupid to see it.