Rae of Sunshine

by Micalea Smeltzer

  He grinned and it was so infectious that I couldn’t help smiling back. “I’m a master snuggler.”

  “I’m aware,” I laughed, undoing my seatbelt, “remember when I was sick?”

  He chuckled. “Oh, I can snuggle way better than that. There’s even a special kind of cuddling where we don’t wear any clothes.”

  I laughed at his comment, but then it had me picturing Cade naked and that was no laughing matter. I wondered what he’d say if I told him I was a virgin. Brett and I had been serious, but I’d never been ready to make that leap.

  And now my brain was picturing Cade and I rolling around in his bed.

  He’d told me he wasn’t going to push me for more, but then his joke had me thinking all kinds of naughty things. My hormones needed to take a hike before I did something stupid.

  Cade hopped out of the Jeep and jogged around to get my door.

  It was late, nearing midnight, but on a college campus that was still considered early.

  The people milling about didn’t bother to hide their stares as the two of us made our way to the building holding hands.

  I wasn’t sure I’d ever get used to the fact that Cade was considered a celebrity on campus. Hell, I didn’t think Cade was even used to it and he’d been going to school here for four years.

  “Ignore them,” Cade whispered, releasing my hand and moving his to the small of my back. “I do.”

  I wished I could ignore them, but I couldn’t help wondering what they saw when they looked at us. Probably the school’s football star slumming it with the freak. Yeah, I was probably way off base, but ever since the accident I felt like an outsider. I think a huge part of me was convinced that everyone could know what I’d done just by looking at me—as if I’d stuck a post-it note to my forehead declaring my transgressions.

  When we finally entered the building I breathed a sigh of relief.

  Rachael had been fine being the center of attention, but Rae didn’t like it.

  Luckily the dorm was empty as Cade led me to his room. I was thankful that no one caught me going into his room. I was sure if someone had it would’ve been the talk around campus for the next week.

  His room was dark and he fumbled around to turn on a light.

  The room was a little smaller than the one I shared with Thea, but large enough not to induce claustrophobia.

  He didn’t have anything decorating the walls, which I thought was weird.

  His bed was made and the room was clean. I wondered if Cade had some sort of issue with tidiness, since his room at home had also been impeccably neat.

  I sat down on the edge of the bed and closed my eyes, letting myself pretend for a moment that I was just a normal girl unscarred by her past.

  I knew telling Cade had helped me heal, but only a little bit.

  It was going to take far more than a confession to a man I was falling for, for me to get better.

  I felt like I’d only put a Band-Aid on the situation, and if I didn’t do more to rectify this I’d be right back to where I was before.

  “It’s not much,” Cade shrugged, “I didn’t feel like decorating.”

  “I like it,” I told him, and it was the truth. While it was sparse, it was still his. And the stacks of books in the corner, mostly fantasy, more than made up for the lack of decoration. Besides, he was a college senior, and a guy. I figured most guys with decorations hadn’t put them up themselves—it was either done by a girlfriend or mom.

  “You look really uncomfortable sitting like that.” He waved a hand where I sat on the end of his bed. My hands were clasped in my lap and my back was ramrod straight.

  With a laugh, I kicked off my shoes and removed my jacket. I stretched out on his bed, wiggling around until I was comfortable. Propping my head on my hand I eyed him. “Is this better?”

  His blue eyes had turned a stormy gray as he looked at me. His tongue flicked out the tiniest bit to moisten his lips.

  “Much better.” His voice came out as a low throaty growl.

  He removed his own shoes and jacket before fitting himself onto the empty bed space beside me. He lay down on his back and wrapped his arm around me so that I was fitted against his chest.

  Cade cleared his throat and put a finger beneath my chin to raise my face to his. “I never knew it could be like this, that something as simple as lying in bed with someone could feel this good.” His fingers skimmed gently up my arm, and even through the fabric of my sweater his touch was searing.

  I wanted to open my mouth and tell him that I agreed. I’d loved Brett, in whatever way a seventeen year old girl could possibly love a boy—like as if at eighteen I had so much more life experience, but I guess in a way I did since life’s events had changed me so much. But for whatever reason, I couldn’t make myself say the words. A part of me was terrified to acknowledge the presence of something more between Cade and I. It felt like an insult to Brett’s memory, like he didn’t matter, when he always would. He might’ve been gone, as well as Sarah and Hannah, but that didn’t mean I forgot them and the relationships we had.

  Realistically I knew I wasn’t replacing Brett with Cade—this was me moving on, but it didn’t feel that way in my warped mind.

  I startled when Cade tapped his fingers against my forehead. “What are you thinking about? I know something has you upset. Talk to me,” he pleaded.

  Instead of lying or saying ‘nothing,’ I decided to be honest. “I’m scared I’m replacing Brett with you…but I know that’s wrong. And what I feel for you is so much stronger, and that…” I paused. “That scares me and makes me sad at the same time, because I worry that maybe I didn’t care about Brett enough.” I sat up a bit, so my hair swooped down between us.

  Cade’s fingers curled into my hair, his hand resting at the nape of my neck.

  “You know that isn’t true. If you didn’t care for him so much you wouldn’t be worrying about this.” He moved his hand to my face, rubbing his thumb over my bottom lip. “It’s okay to let go of the past,” he whispered, “letting go doesn’t mean forgetting.”

  Deep down, I knew that, but it was hard to accept.

  I lowered my head once more, to burrow into the space where his head met his neck.

  Protected.

  That’s what I felt when I was in Cade’s arms.

  I squeaked when he moved suddenly, causing me to sprawl on my back with him hovering above me.

  He lowered his head so strands of his hair fell forward to tickle my face. “I’m thinking I should kiss you now.”

  I reached up, my fingers grasping his shirt. All thought of our previous conversation was gone.

  With one declaration Cade had turned me into a normal girl, at least for a moment, and all I could think about was how his lips would feel against mine again.

  “Don’t tease me,” I warned, my mind emptying of all worries. Right now, all that existed was Cade and Rachael. Yes, Rachael, because right now I felt like her again and it felt good to know she wasn’t entirely lost.

  He chuckled, his lips turning up into a playful smirk. “Never, sunshine, especially when kissing is involved.”

  And then he closed the space between us and kissed me hard and fierce. It was a burning kind of kiss, one that shattered worlds and left you striving for another breath because all of yours had been stolen.

  With a brush of his tongue he had me gasping beneath him, ready to beg for more.

  My legs wrapped around his waist and I pulled him down so that we were touching in the most dangerous of places.

  My fingers moved from his shirt to fist his hair. His stubble scratched my skin but I didn’t mind.

  “Rae,” he gasped between our lips.

  A moan escaped me at the sound of my name.

  Kissing had never been like this before.

  I wanted more, so much more, and that was scary.

  If I let myself think that far ahead, I saw a future with Cade, a life I had stopped letting myself imagine when I lost Brett
. But now I saw it all and beyond that I wanted it.

  His fingers skimmed beneath my sweater, ghosting along my skin like he was afraid if he truly touched me I’d run screaming.

  “Cade?” I gasped, pulling away from his lips.

  His hand stilled and he started to pull away, but I tightened my hold on him. “If you don’t really touch me I’m going to lose my mind, and don’t you dare stop kiss—” He silenced my following words by doing exactly what I wanted him to do.

  With every brush of his lips to mine I felt as if the shackles binding me to my past began to weaken and crumble.

  His fingers pressed more firmly against the skin of my stomach, easing my shirt up slowly. I finally grabbed the garment and ripped it off. I knew he didn’t expect me to go that far, not tonight, but I needed to feel him against me.

  Once my shirt was gone his lips ghosted down my neck, lingering against the spot where my pulse raced.

  My body arched against his and a breathy sigh passed between my lips.

  “I want you so bad,” he confessed. “But I want all of you, before we go that far.”

  I closed my eyes, knowing what he meant. He wanted Rachael. The real me. The whole me. Not this shell that was grasping onto life with weak fingers.

  I knew I had to change, not for him, but for me. I needed to take ahold of my life and move on. I had to get better before I lived my whole life being miserable, because let’s face it, that would be no life at all.

  I felt like a baby fawn, trembling on new legs—terrified at what may lie ahead of me, but knowing that I had to do it.

  I wanted to be able to tell Cade that he did have all of me, but we would both know that was a lie.

  I had to hope that by the time I was ready to give him everything he hadn’t given up on me.

  “Stop thinking, just feel,” Cade growled, nipping my chin.

  Suddenly, he pulled away, grasping me by the waist so I went with him. I ended up straddling him with my arms around his neck so we were face to face.

  He stared at me for a moment. I noticed that his lips were slightly swollen from our kisses.

  His fingers tangled in the curls of my hair. “I wasn’t looking for anyone to care about like this, but now that I have you…I wouldn’t trade this moment for anything.”

  And then his lips were on mine again and the night, the room, everything, ceased to exist.

  twenty-one

  I woke up, stretching my arms above my head—and promptly smacked Cade in the face.

  “Oh, shit.” I rolled out of his bed and onto the floor, probably bruising my ass in the process.

  I’d fallen asleep in his bed. Lovely.

  Cade groaned and rolled over. He lazily peeked his eyes open to spy me on the floor. “Why the fuck are you down there? That doesn’t look the least bit comfortable.”

  “I fell,” I defended.

  He cracked a smile. “That’s funny.”

  It kind of was, but then the enormity of the situation hit me. “Cade,” I groaned, “we fell asleep.”

  “I’m aware of that.” He rubbed his eyes sleepily and stifled a yawn. “Best night of sleep I’ve ever had…and it doesn’t have to end. Get back in bed, Sunshine.”

  “What will Thea think?” I hissed, looking down and realizing that I was only clothed in a bra and panties. Where the hell were my pants?

  Cade noticed what I was looking for and chuckled. Propping his head on his hand, he said, “You got hot in the night and kicked them off.”

  I groaned and used my hands to hide my face.

  “I promise I had nothing to do with it,” he continued.

  “I believe you,” I muttered, but his words did nothing to alleviate the embarrassment I felt. “How am I going to walk out of here?”

  “Easy,” Cade grinned. “You stand up, put your clothes on, and walk out the door.” He used his fingers to mime a person walking.

  “Don’t be a smartass,” I groaned. “You know what I mean.”

  “So what? There’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” he shrugged, then rolled onto his back. “What time is it anyway?”

  I located my phone. “Seven,” I answered. “And you know it isn’t that simple. You’re, well, you,” I waved my hand at him, “people pay attention to what you do and I don’t want to become some story for gossips.”

  Cade rose up once more, leveling me with a glare. “You act like we had a fucking one-night stand and that if you walk out the door everyone will think you’re a slut. Maybe I didn’t make my intentions clear enough, but after last night I very much thought you were my girlfriend.”

  My eyes widened in surprise. I hadn’t expected him to say that. Not at all. In fact, I was pretty sure all the air left my lungs and the room, because I suddenly couldn’t breathe.

  “Girlfriend?” I repeated, my voice no more than a squeak.

  “Yeah,” he looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “Did you really think I would fuck you and kick you out? And might I add, there was no sex involved last night. Besides, I would never fuck you, Rae. A girl like you deserves so much more than that.”

  I clasped my hands over my eyes. This was too much. He was too much.

  “I don’t mean to embarrass you, Rae,” he rattled on, “but it’s the truth. I’m no saint, but with you things are different.”

  I heard the bed squeak as he sat up. Then he was crouched in front of me, prying my hands from my face.

  “I don’t know if it’s because I’m technically a jock that you find me hard to believe, but I would never lie to you, Rae. I’m not a player, never was. Yes, I fooled around, but it was random hook-ups that were rare. I was hurt by what my first girlfriend did to me,” it didn’t escape my notice that he still didn’t reveal her name, “but I’m not like these other guys that have a different girl in their bed every night. I’m not like that and I don’t want to be.”

  “I don’t need an explanation,” I told him, “you just caught me off guard.”

  He shrugged. “I know, but I wanted to explain myself. You should know by now that this isn’t me wanting to get in your pants,” he chuckled. “Although, I am a guy so I want that too,” he winked. “But I’ve told you stuff I’ve never told anyone else. Most people don’t know about my brother and the shit with my dad? No one knows that.” He reached out, smoothing a finger down my cheek. “Now, Rae,” his voice dropped low and his eyes bore into mine, “are you my girlfriend or not?”

  I took several deep breaths, trying not to think about the day when Brett asked me to be his girlfriend.

  “I guess so.”

  “You guess so?” He chuckled. “It’s kind of a yes or no question.”

  I thought about how much I cared about him already, so really there was only one answer. “Yes.”

  He grinned, his eyes crinkling at the corners. Instead of saying anything he took my face in both his hands and kissed me deeply, stealing my breath and maybe even a bit of my soul.

  “Now, can we please go back to sleep?” He asked, pulling away.

  I laughed as all my fear at what people would think fell from my shoulders and drifted away. “Sleep would be good.”

  ***

  “Why am I not surprised?” Thea slid into the seat across from me in the dining hall. Her gaze swiveled from me to her brother who sat beside me. “You know, you could’ve at least told me you weren’t coming home last night. I was worried.”

  “I’m sorry,” I frowned. I’d been horrible not to consider that Thea might worry when I didn’t come back to the dorm. If it had been her out all night I would’ve been worried sick like a protective mama bear. I probably would’ve torn the whole campus apart looking for her.

  “You better be sorry,” she scolded. Smiling slowly, she said, “Now that that’s out of the way, I have to say, it’s about fucking time.” With that said she picked up her yogurt and pealed back the top.

  I looked at Cade and both of us were trying not to laugh.

  “Glad you approve,
sis,” Cade chuckled, giving my hand a squeeze.

  She stuck the spoon in her mouth, licking away the yogurt, and then pointed it at us. “Hey, I’ve been gunning for this from the moment I found out you two knew each other. My best friend and brother together forever? I mean, that’s just awesome. But I better be the maid of honor at your wedding or I’ll cut a bitch.”

  I snorted. “Um, it’s a bit too soon to be talking about weddings. And, we weren’t even friends when you found out that Cade and I knew each other.”

  “Logistics,” she waved her hands wildly through the air. “I knew we’d be best friends one day and guess what? It happened.” Grinning, she added, “It’s like I can see the future or something.”

  Cade snorted. “Or something, sounds right.”

  She narrowed her eyes on her brother. “Do not make me flick yogurt at you. You know I will.”

  Cade chuckled, raising his hands in surrender. “This is my favorite shirt. No yogurt please.”

  “For that reason alone I should flick it at you.”

  Cade looked at me and sighed dramatically. “Little sisters are so annoying.”

  “And big brothers are a pain in the ass,” Thea added. “Do you know that a guy from one of my classes was going to ask me out and this oaf comes along and scares the poor guy away? He’ll probably never speak to me again.”

  “As it should be,” Cade nodded. “Besides, what could you possibly see in a guy that wears skinny jeans? I mean, I don’t see how he even has any balls in pants that tight.” Cade picked up his bottle of water, spinning the lid around before taking a sip.

  I snorted at his words and Thea looked mortified.

  “They were not that tight!” She hissed.

  Cade eyed her. “They were. I’ve never understood guys that think that looks cool. It’s just weird. Your balls need room to breathe.”

  Thea clapped her hands over her ears. “Shut up! I don’t need to hear you talk about balls. It’s gross.”

  Cade chuckled, lowering the water bottle to the table. “Okay, okay. No more talk about balls of any type. Not bouncy balls, or hairy balls, or footballs.”

  Thea picked up her tray, glaring at her brother. “I’m out of here. Enjoy your breakfast.”