Imperfectly Yours

by A. Gardner

  “You know I can’t,” she whispers. “I can’t leave Scarlett. She needs me.”

  “She can manage. She’s a big girl.”

  “I wish I could.” Her voice enters my head and circles around my brain. My consciousness whispers. It’s hard to keep it from her. I stare at her face, her jewel-like eyes. I can’t. Now isn’t the right time to tell her.

  Then when is the right time?

  MIKKI

  Chapter Six

  “Let’s do it.”

  Dane is holding me and asking me to run away with him. All of me wants to say yes, but in the back of my head I know what that means. We’ll spend every waking moment together and every night too. I start to feel anxious just thinking about that moment when we finally share everything.

  “Um,” I mutter. “Want to go the cafe or something? The one near the highway.” The only place he is willing to go. No one we know ever goes there. I pause, hoping he’ll go for it. He nods then kisses me. His hands rub the side of my cheek and pull at my hair. I close my eyes and imagine the two of us alone on a deserted beach. The sun is shining and my skin is perfectly tan. Dane pulls me down into the sand. His lips nibble at my neck and play with my bikini strap. My heart beats faster as he presses his body into mine, pushing me further into the sand. His lips move up to my mouth. I feel a tingling that I don’t want to leave. I want to lose myself in his embrace. I want this moment to last forever.

  I open my eyes and realize we’re on the ground. My jacket is pressed against the dew-covered grass. For a moment I hesitate and pull my lips away from his. Dane gazes at my bare neck and visible collar bones.

  “I’m sorry I . . .”

  “Right.” He stands up and grabs my hand. “The cafe.” He pulls me close to the road and the two of us start walking towards his car. I shield my eyes as a car passes. The headlights are blinding. Should I say yes? Should I forget about Aunt Scar, my internship, and run away? That’s part of my problem. The reason I’m still a virgin. I’m not spontaneous enough. Aunt Scarlett mentioned it once when I wouldn’t go to Warped Tour with Zanna.

  “Dane,” I sigh. “What if . . . I mean.” I can’t do it. My heart is beating too fast.

  “Don’t Mikki,” he replies. “I was just being an idiot.”

  “So you don’t want to go somewhere just the two of us?”

  “Of course I do.” He stops, grabbing both my hands. Another car passes and nearly blinds me again. My chest pounds even more.

  “Well then . . . maybe we should.”

  Dane’s eyes go wide. His mouth opens but I think he’s actually speechless. I bite the side of my lip. This is it. I can’t change my mind this time. I’m eighteen. Years overdue on losing it, according to Paige Haskell.

  “Mikki are you-”

  I can hear his phone buzzing. He stops mid sentence and clears his throat.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “It’s my dad.” He answers the phone and says nothing. He’s nodding and listening. The look on his face stays solid like a rock. “Mikki,” he sighs. “I have to go.”

  Last chance, Mikki. Be spontaneous.

  “Let’s do it,” I blurt out. “Let’s go away together. Tonight.”

  “Believe me I want nothing more but . . .”

  My throat tightens. I’ve already screwed this up.

  “Tonight I have some stuff to do,” he finishes.

  “Oh.” I stare at my shoes. His hand reaches for my chin.

  “But tomorrow I’m all yours.”

  Chapter Seven

  “Is something wrong, Officer?”

  I never thought my first time would be with Dane. But I guess we came pretty close over Christmas break. I had to be sure our relationship wasn’t a sick bet. After a semester’s worth of emails and daily texts I’m sure that’s not. It’s real.

  I have my first time all mapped out in my head. I have since I was thirteen. Candles. Rose petals. The perfect guy. Not a romp in the back of a van somewhere like Ciara Skanley during our sophomore year. She bragged about that for weeks. I want it to be perfect. Maybe that’s why I’m the last virgin in Seaside, but that will change soon. Very soon. And after last night, I can’t get Dane out of my head.

  My night was filled with fantasies of his warm, radiant skin against mine. His naked torso leaning against my pounding chest and me longing for another kiss. Just one more. But I woke up to a dinging doorbell and a drool stained pillow. No matter. Tonight my dream will be real.

  My chest is still racing just thinking about the conversation we had. Dane is the one. He was my first kiss and my soon to be first everything else. I stand next to my mirror, staring at my baggy pajama top. I’m not exactly the type of girl he’s used to. His ex, Paige’s friend Maggie, is a foot taller with liquid gold for skin. I run my fingers through my dark locks and take a long breath.

  A loud knock followed by another ding of the doorbell startles me.

  “Aunt Scar!”

  No answer.

  “Are you up?” Guess not.

  I roll my eyes, jogging to the front door and unbolting the lock. The coffee table is cluttered with magazines and used tea cups from this past week. Today is mine and Scarlett’s cleaning day but I’m in too much of a daze to do chores. And I have to pack. I don’t have anything sexy. Not like the lace nighties girls wear on TV. Is it too late to get one of those?

  “Mikki Copelun?” A tall police officer stares right at me. I bite the side of my lip.

  “Yes,” I gulp.

  “Are you Mikki Copelun?”

  “That’s me.” My chest feels heavy. No. Please don’t say there’s been an accident. “Is something wrong, Officer?”

  “Yes,” the officer responds. “If you don’t mind I have a few questions for you.”

  “Um.” My eyes dart to the sofa just beyond the doorway. “Do you want to come in?”

  “No.” He shakes his head. “This won’t take long.” He hasn’t smiled once. My head starts spinning. What is he getting at?

  “Okay.” This is my first conversation with an actual police officer that involves more than a ‘hello sir’. It isn’t going so well.

  “Can you tell me where you were last night?”

  My chest freezes and I feel a bit faint. It won’t surprise me if my face is chalk white right now. I clasp the side of my collar bone.

  “Just relax Miss Copelun.” He responds by lowering his voice so it sounds slightly more friendly. “It’s only a question. Where were you last night?”

  “I was with my Aunt Scarlett . . . at the Haskell’s place. She catered their event last night. Well, sort of. I was one of the servers.”

  “What time did you leave the Haskell residence?”

  “I don’t know.” My mind jumps back to Dane’s deep, entrancing eyes. The way he grabbed me and pulled me into his muscley arms. I can feel my breathing getting heavier and heavier. “Midnight maybe?” Quit lying, Mikki. He’s a police officer. “Or earlier? I can’t really remember the exact time.”

  “And you came straight home?”

  The truth, Mik! The truth.

  “Yes,” I quickly answered. No. Dane and I went to Riptide Park.

  “And at the Haskell’s last night,” he continued. “Did you speak with Dane?” More heavy breaths.

  “No,” I swallow. “I didn’t even see him.”

  “You’re sure?”

  I raise my eyebrows and rub the side of my shoulder. “Does it matter?” I reply. “What’s with all the questions anyway? I haven’t done anything wrong.”

  “It is very important that I know what was said,” the officer goes on.

  “Why?” I don’t see how it’s any of his business. The things Dane said to me last night, the things we planned, those are private. There’s no way I’m discussing my sex life with the Seaside Police Department.

  “Because Miss Copelun,” the officer says, raising his voice. “According to an eyewitness, you were the last person to see Dane Haskell before he was reported mis
sing.”

  Chapter Eight

  “. . . lying dead somewhere.”

  I don’t understand it. My chest sinks. This chair is uncomfortable and I can feel bruises forming along my back. But that’s not what my mind is focusing on. He’s gone. I had my chance at being with him and I didn’t take it. Maybe if I’d agreed to run away last night none of this would have happened.

  “Mikki?”

  I sit up straight and fold my arms.

  “Sorry,” I reply. “What was the question?”

  “Dane,” the officer goes on. The sound of his name makes my jaw clench. A pressure builds behind my eyes. “Did he mention anyone last night? Any comments about being in trouble or trying to avoid someone?”

  “Uh . . .” I swallow. “Not that I recall.”

  “Is there anyone you can think of that might want to hurt him?”

  What kind of question is that? Who would want to hurt Dane? He’s done nothing wrong. Nothing at all.

  “No,” I answer. The officer raises his eyebrow and nods. He seems a bit annoyed by my one word responses.

  “Okay.” He jots a few things down on a piece of paper. “Moving on. Can you list any other friends in town he might have talked with yesterday?” My mind draws a blank.

  “Well he has a sister . . . Paige.”

  “Yes,” the officer replies. “She already came in.”

  “Of course,” I mutter. I rub my fingers together and stare at the gray floor tiles. I bet they used to be white. I lean forward slightly and push back the moisture in my eye sockets. I can’t cry here. I won’t be able to stop.

  I wipe the corner of my eye and try to think. I don’t know. I don’t know who his friends are nowadays. The tears are beating at the back of my skull. I can’t answer a single question about him. A tear escapes. I instantly wipe it away.

  “It’s alright. Take your time.” The officer adjust the buttons on his uniform.

  “I’m fine,” I lie. “And the answer is no. I don’t know who he might have talked to. You see, we aren’t friends. We aren’t . . . anything really. I hardly know him.”

  “Well his family did seem very surprised that you two were seen together. What were you two talking about?”

  “Oh uh . . .” Think of something. Quick. The sooner I answer the sooner I can go home and bury myself in pillows. “Catering . . . see I was supposed to be a server at his homecoming party. I just wanted know what happened. I was really counting on that extra money.”

  “Okay.” He nods his head as if satisfied with the explanation. I take a deep breath. The tears are dying down. It’s working. Pretending that there’s nothing between us is actually working. “I think I have everything I need.”

  “Um . . .” I hesitate to stand. “Just wondering. Who reported him missing?” I tug a strand of hair. I can’t believe he’s really gone. It can’t be true. I’m being messed with. But he hasn’t responded to any of my texts.

  “His dad of course. He insisted we launch an investigation at once though our policy is to wait a little longer. Mr. Haskell is very persuasive.”

  I pull at my hair even harder, remembering the last thing Dane really did say to me. He had to leave because of his dad. Did he even make it home? My vision starts to go blurry. The tears are back.

  “Mikki.” Aunt Scarlett softly takes my arm. “Can she go now?”

  “I’ll be in touch.” The officer escorts us back to the lobby. Scarlett puts her arm around me, rubbing the side of my shoulder.

  “Don’t worry,” she whispers. “No one blames you. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.” She pushes open the door and lets in a subtle breeze. The sun is shining. The street is bustling with cars and pedestrians, but for me life seems to have slowed down. I keep my mouth shut, half expecting Scar to blow up about me being out so late without her knowing. She doesn’t.

  “So you’re not mad,” I say, opening the car door. She shrugs.

  “What can I say? You’re eighteen now.”

  “I’m sorry,” I respond. I close my eyes and try to force back tears. “You think . . . you think he’s okay?”

  “I’m sure he’s fine. He’s a Haskell.”

  “Yeah but . . .” I loudly swallow. My chest feels like it’s been strapped to an enormous anchor. “You don’t think he’s . . . lying dead somewhere?”

  “Of course not,” she breathes. “Don’t say stuff like that. He probably got drunk after what happened to Matt and fell asleep in the park or something.” A possible explanation that I could have believed. That wasn’t the case at all. “Anyway, why don’t we talk about something else?”

  “Like what?” I glance down at my phone. Still nothing.

  “How’s school going? You start that internship stuff on Monday right?”

  “Yep,” I reply. This is the last thing I want to talk about. Come Monday I will be reminded of last night over and over again. Why does my internship have to be in the Banley Building of all places?

  “Geez, I sound like my mom.” Scarlett shakes her head. “You probably would rather me shut up huh?”

  “I want to go home and go to my room.”

  “I understand,” she says quietly. Our drive home is silent minus a weather update on the radio.

  This is all my fault. For once, I should have just said yes. I should have ran away with him the moment he suggested it. I should have followed my heart. Blindly.

  * * *

  “Let’s go out.” Zanna is sitting at the foot of my bed like an eager puppy. I hadn’t moved for hours. My muscles are all stiff. If I move now that would be more painful than staying exactly where I am.

  “Who let you in here?”

  “Scarlett said you could use some cheering up,” she replies.

  “Scarlett should mind her own business.”

  “She’s right,” Zanna agrees. I glare at her. She never agrees with my Aunt Scarlett.

  “This time,” she adds.

  “My world really is falling apart,” I mutter. Zanna tries to pull away my comforter. I’d buried myself in my bed with my cell phone next to my face. Maybe he would call? Text?

  “Come on. You’re blowing this whole thing out of proportion. So you spent all morning at the police station, so what? You had nothing to do with all this Dane crap so get over it.”

  “I can’t,” I immediately reply. She rolls her eyes. I fight her for full blanket coverage. It’s too hard to keep pretending Dane doesn’t mean anything to me.

  “Don’t even get me started on the fact that you were talking to that pig in the first place. Late at night. In secret.” She pauses, looking at me like Aunt Scar used to when I left the kitchen table without clearing my plate.

  “Oh shut up.”

  “What’s the deal? Cuz I know what you told the cops ain’t true.”

  “Scar needs to learn how to keep her mouth shut,” I bark, eyes wide. I hear Zanna take a deep breath. She lets go of my comforter and plays with her tongue ring.

  “What?” I shrug.

  “Mikki, what’s going on between you two?”

  My eyes are still wide. They start to water. The back of my throat closes up. Lie.

  “Nothing.”

  “We both know that’s not true. You’re not the type to go wandering around Riptide Park at night.” She can’t know. Because if she knows, others might figure it out. Lie, Mikki!

  “I ran into him okay.” I see the confused look on Zanna’s face and realize I’m almost yelling. I touch my neck.

  “Defensive much,” she comments. “Whatever. You don’t want to tell me just yet. That’s fine. But don’t treat me like some ignorant airhead. I know exactly what’s going on here.”

  “No.” I use the blanket to cover everything but my eye. “No, you don’t.”

  “Well when you’re finished with your pity party, the two of us are going out.” She jumps up, already wearing a black mini skirt and lacy top. She glances in the mirror and begins fixing her bangs.

  �
�Where?”

  “That’s a surprise,” she answers, keeping her eyes glued on her reflection. “All you have to do is look hot.”

  “I’m not really in the mood.” I sink even further into my covers. The flowery scent of laundry detergent is still embedded on the surface of the sheets.

  “Boring.” She rolls her eyes again. “Be spontaneous for once.”

  Her words pierce the back of my skull. There was that word again. Spontaneous. I’m not this. I’m not that. I suck altogether. My heart starts to beat faster. I need to change. I need to forget today. Just Mikki isn’t good enough. She never gets anything right.

  “Fine.” I sit up. My sides ache from the sudden jolt. I have to go on pretending I don’t care about Dane or Zanna will figure it out. “I need to get my mind off all of this anyway.”

  “That’s more like it,” she chuckles.

  Chapter Nine

  “Don’t do it!”

  I’m handed a cup full of something and I’m told to drink it. Be spontaneous. I guzzle it all down, afterwards feeling like I’m about to puke. Music blasts in my eyes. It’s so loud I’m not really sure what type of music it is. Maybe it’s actually the sound of a head on collision happening in the parking lot? I’m handed another cup. I hear Zanna let out a gut-busting laugh behind me.

  “Nice dress.”

  “Thanks,” I reply, without even looking where the complement is coming from. I look up and follow the voice but it’s hard to concentrate. I adjust my dress. I borrowed it from Scarlett. It’s black with a plunging neckline and a lace back. Nothing I’d ever dare wear but stepping out of the house in it felt . . . I don’t know. It felt wrong but not in a bad way.

  “I’ve never seen you here before,” the voice says again.

  “It’s my first time.” I see him, chiseled chin and all. He’s hot and I can’t deny that the piercings on his face are intriguing.

  “Oh,” he grins. “Where you been hiding?” I smile. The blasting music is beginning to sound like fading chimes. I stare at my admirer, his face surrounded with a cloud a fuzz. I don’t feel anxious anymore.

  I feel free.

  “Honestly . . . I think I’ve been hiding for eighteen years.”

  He keeps grinning, focusing one hundred percent on me. Our eyes connect and I’m not nervous at all. It’s me and him in the room. No one else. I take another swallow of the drink in my hand. I have no idea what number this one is.