Kendra

by Coe Booth

  Renée is walking down the block just as we pull up to the curb in front of the brownstone. She looks beautiful in a tan summer dress with a short little jacket. Kenny shuts off the engine and watches her, and I know I should probably tell him about Gerard, just so he’ll know.

  But before I can figure out how to say it, Renée comes up to the truck and leans her head in on my side and says, “How much is an ice cream sandwich?”

  Kenny looks at her and says, “For you, free.”

  “You’re not going to make any money that way,” she says.

  “Don’t remind me of how much money I already lost today.”

  I wanna open the door to get outta the truck before he tells her about the fight and she starts getting on my case, because I heard enough already. But Renée’s standing right in front of my door and she’s not moving.

  “Okay, tell me what’s going on,” she says to me. “What happened?”

  “Nothing,” I say. “Excuse me, but I wanna get out.”

  “Answer my question.”

  I’m starting to feel trapped there between the two of them. “Can I please get out?”

  Renée don’t move, so I crawl between the two front seats and head for the back door, snatching a couple of Chick-O-Sticks on the way. Kenny gets outta the truck, too, and he stops me from walking past them into the brownstone. “Tell Renée what happened,” he says.

  I fold my arms in front of me. “I was leaving the school and minding my own business and Adonna tried to beat me up, and for some reason he thinks that’s my fault.”

  Renée gets this crazy look on her face. “You’re fighting?”

  “I didn’t do any—”

  “What you gonna do about this?” Kenny asks Renée, pointing to me.

  “What do you mean, what am I going to do?”

  “Like I said.”

  For the first time, it actually looks like he’s getting mad at Renée, which could be a good step for him if he wasn’t getting mad at her over me.

  “If you know what to do with her, you do it,” Renée says, turning her back to him, and me, and stomping up the stairs of the brownstone like she’s two.

  He goes after her and catches up to her at the top of the stairs. “You know what? She wasn’t having none of these problems before you came home. You wanna know what her problem is? It’s you.”

  I swear, he’s so mad I can see the spit flying outta his mouth when he talks. I stand at the bottom of the steps, wishing I had somewhere else to go.

  Renée stares at him with her eyes all squinty. “Get out of my face, Kenny,” she says all calm.

  But Kenny’s not done yet. “The other day—when was that? Saturday?—yeah, on Saturday. You know you had that girl crying her eyes out in my truck ’cause you was moving here without her. You know that? You know all this shit that’s happening with her didn’t start ’til you came back. You get that?”

  Renée looks like she’s all bored. “What do you want from me, Kenny? You know what her problems are, and you and her are so close, then why don’t you figure out what to do with her? She’s your daughter, too. When are you going to get off your ass, get a real grown-up job, move out of your mommy’s apartment, and become a man? Because maybe your daughter wouldn’t have to jump in bed with the first boy who pays her some attention if the father she loves so much were actually more mature than she is.”

  I look down at the ground. Just stand there, not looking at Kenny, because I can’t stand to see the look that’s probably on his face.

  With my head down, I hear the front door of the brownstone open and slam closed. I hear Kenny walk down the stairs and, a few seconds later, the sound of the truck’s engine start up again. When he’s gone, the truck speeding down the street to the corner, it hits me for the first time, even though it’s hard to believe I never thought of it before like this, but I now get it—These are my parents. And they have no idea what they’re doing.

  Upstairs I watch Renée, who is obviously pissed, take off her jacket, change from her shoes to her sandals, and put on a fresh coat of lipstick in the bathroom mirror. I wanna say, Why did you have to do that to him? You have no right to speak for me, like I’m the one that feels that way about Kenny when I don’t. But I can tell she’s not gonna wanna hear anything from me. Her face is set, and she looks exactly like Nana does when she’s so mad she’s about ready to boil over. I know enough not to turn up the heat.

  So I go into the kitchen as quiet as I can and pour myself a glass of water. I’m waiting for her to say something about the fight, about how upset she is with me, but instead she picks up the phone and calls her friend Jennifer and makes plans to meet her somewhere. “I need to get out of this apartment,” she tells her. “I can’t even tell you what kind of day I’ve had.”

  When she hangs up, she grabs her bag and heads straight for the door, not even looking at me. She couldn’t get outta the door any faster if she was flying.

  If I was still with Nana, she would be breaking on me right now. She would tell me that just because I’m from the projects that don’t mean the projects have to be in me. And that I have to remember my home training when I’m in situations like that and not let that girl lead me to do things I know are wrong.

  I sit down at the kitchen table and drink my water. No matter what happens, I’m still here alone. Better get used to it.

  The phone rings at about six, and as soon as I say hello, Nana is going off.

  “Tell me what I’m hearing around here ain’t true, because I know, I know, the child I raised isn’t fighting in the street. And don’t say shit—pardon my French—don’t say shit about Adonna starting anything because—”

  “I’m not getting into this with you,” I say, trying to keep my voice calm even though I can’t believe she had the nerve to call here.

  Nana’s still going, though. “…and that other grandmother of yours has the audacity to come up to me in the lobby and tell me that you got her daughter suspended, and half the building is standing there listening, and I have to hear that y’all are fighting like some kind of—”

  “Nana.”

  “Don’t you even think about talking back to me or I will come over there and—”

  “Nana, I’m not listening to this. Not from you. Not anymore.”

  “Girl, don’t you let your mouth get your ass in trouble.”

  It’s getting harder and harder for me to keep calm. “You know what, Nana? You don’t get to yell at me anymore. Because you’re the one that threw me out, remember? So you don’t get to be a mother to me anymore, because I have a mother now.”

  There’s silence on the other end of the phone.

  “Bye,” I say, and hang up real fast.

  My heart is racing. I can’t believe I did that. I mean, I didn’t actually hang up on her, but I might as well have. I didn’t just stand and take it from her like I used to.

  But still, I know there was probably a nasty scene between Nana and Grandma in the lobby, and I hate to think I was even a little bit of the cause of that, because the two of them barely get along as it is. And now Renée and Kenny are fighting, too. It’s like all it took was for me and Adonna to fight for the whole family to fall apart.

  And I’m alone.

  Part of me, a big part, wishes I knew Nashawn’s phone number, because I would call him and even go over to his house again and not sit here alone waiting for Renée, who probably won’t even talk to me when she gets back. I mean, if I was with Nashawn for a little while, at least that would be something.

  But I don’t have his number so it don’t even matter. And I know I told Renée I wouldn’t do anything with him anymore, but I don’t think she even cares one way or another. I mean, we had this whole long talk yesterday and I told her everything I was feeling and still, where is she right now?

  I turn on the TV but don’t actually watch anything. I just like having it on. Then I eat some cereal and leave the bowl in the sink. By eight thirty, when Renée’s stil
l not home, it’s hard trying to tell myself that I’m not mad, because I am. I mean, I get into a fight, but she don’t even ask me what happened and if I’m okay or anything. My whole life is messed up right now, and even though me and her are living in this tiny little apartment, it’s still like she’s far away from me. Nothing changed.

  Renée is still not back when I’m ready for bed so I turn off the TV and all the lights and try to get comfortable on the Aerobed. But it’s hard. I can’t sleep. My brain is like on rewind and fast forward at the same time and I can’t stop it.

  And in between thinking about the fight and Kenny and Renée and Nana, and how I have to go back to school tomorrow and face all those kids that were watching the fight and hoping I’d get my ass kicked, in between all of that, I’m thinking about Nashawn. I’m seeing his face in the doorway of the dean’s office and how he begged me to come out. Just thinking about his face and remembering the way his body felt when we were together in his bed, it’s enough to keep me awake and frustrated.

  I slip my hands into my pajama shorts, close my eyes, and try to get myself back to that place, that feeling. It takes awhile, but soon my breathing gets a little heavier and my mind takes me back there. And it feels good, it does, but it’s not ’til I’m done that I realize it’s not enough. That’s not all I want from him. I want him. All of him, not just what we been doing.

  And that’s what hurts, knowing that there’s no chance for that. Because when it comes to me, all he wants is what he been getting already.

  THIRTY-SEVEN

  I get to school even earlier than I did yesterday because today I really don’t wanna see anybody. I couldn’t hardly sleep last night thinking about everything that happened yesterday and all those kids that were out there watching the fight and not caring if Adonna ended up killing me. It’s embarrassing that everybody saw that—me and her being family and fighting like that.

  At least I don’t have to worry about seeing her today. I wish she was suspended for the rest of the year. It’s not fair that I’m gonna have to see her again next week when I’m already gonna be worried about passing my finals and stuff.

  The school is just about empty except for the security guards and a couple of teachers and office people walking around on the first floor. Upstairs, the hall where my locker is at is completely empty, not even one person on the floor. I grab what I need from my locker and slam it shut real fast. Then as I head down the hall, I hear, “Kendra.”

  I know it’s him, but I don’t stop walking for a second. Matter of fact, I speed up a little bit.

  “Kendra,” he says again. “C’mon, let me talk to you for a second.”

  I turn the corner without looking back and see the bathroom down the hall. That’s where I’m headed because I know he can’t follow me in there.

  Then I hear Nashawn call out, “Babe!”

  And that gets me to stop. I put my hands on my hips and turn around. “Don’t call me that!” I yell. “Who even told you about that?”

  He keeps walking toward me, and his face has that smirk and he’s so cute, but I’m trying not to notice that anymore.

  “I was there on Saturday, remember?” he says. “I heard your father calling you that when you left his truck, but you were gone.”

  I put my head down. Man, I feel stupid. I mean, what was he thinking when he saw me just run into the building like that? And what did him and Adonna say to each other after I left, before she came upstairs and tried to make me feel bad because she got him and I didn’t?

  No matter what, I can’t stop and talk to him now because I already know what he wants and now, with the school practically empty and everything, I know if I let him start talking to me here, we’re gonna end up someplace together and I can’t anymore. He made his decision already, and even though Adonna don’t deserve for me to look out for her, not after what she did to me, still I’m not gonna go behind her back anymore. I’m not gonna be like that.

  So I turn back around and keep walking and try not to listen to Nashawn, who’s following me, saying stuff like, “I just wanna talk to you. C’mon, all I need is, like, a minute.”

  I get to the bathroom, which is dirty even at this time of the morning. The toilets aren’t flushed and there’s toilet paper and stuff all over the floor. Like, don’t they ever clean this place? Personally, I don’t even know how girls could be so nasty.

  And even though it’s not the best place in the world to have to wait, I stay there for about fifteen minutes, ’til I hear more kids start to fill up the halls. When I go back out, I don’t see Nashawn, so I go straight to homeroom, hoping he won’t pop outta nowhere again. And he don’t, thank God.

  Mara’s in homeroom, looking through her bio study guide, the one I never opened even once. I slide into my seat across from her.

  “Studying?” I ask.

  “Kendra!” She smiles at me all big. “You’re here early.”

  “You, too.”

  “My mom was making me crazy this morning,” she says, shaking her head. “All we ever do is argue.”

  “What about?”

  She shrugs. “Nothing. Just everything, you know?”

  I nod. “I moved in with, um, my mother on Saturday.”

  “That’s what you wanted, right?”

  “Yeah,” I say, and can’t help but sigh because it feels like there’s a lot inside me that I don’t know how to talk about. It’s like everything is heavy and confusing. I mean, I feel bad that Mara and her mom are always fighting, but at least it’s something. They’re talking. Me and Renée don’t really have a whole lot to say to each other at all. It’s like we had that one talk for a few minutes and now that’s it. We’re done.

  “Were you sick yesterday?” I ask her.

  “Cramps,” she says.

  I make a face. “I know what that’s like.” Not that Nana would ever let me stay home for that. She would give me a whole lecture about how I’d better get used to it because when I get a job, no way is my boss gonna let me stay home every month.

  Two girls come into the classroom and both of them stare at me, not even trying to hide it. One of them, Brenda, kinda shakes her head, and I can’t tell if she feels sorry for me or thinks I was wrong to rip off Adonna’s weave like that. Either way, I just hope the whole day isn’t gonna be like this.

  “What’s going on?” Mara whispers to me when Brenda and Tyesha sit down in their seats on the other side of the room. “Did something happen that I don’t know about?”

  I nod. Mara missed a lot yesterday.

  “Tell me,” she says.

  I turn back and see that they’re both still looking at me. I shake my head and whisper back to Mara, “At lunch, okay? I’m gonna stay in Mr. Melendez’s classroom because I can’t deal with the cafeteria anymore.”

  “Alright,” she says. “I’ll stay with you, then.”

  I smile a little bit because I need to talk to somebody. And it looks like Mara’s the only one I have left.

  Mr. Melendez don’t even seem surprised when both me and Mara ask him if we can stay in his classroom for lunch. “Okay,” he says, looking at us, trying to figure out what’s going on. “I’m sure there’s a good reason why you don’t want to go to the cafeteria—right, Kendra?”

  I nod.

  “Well, you know the rules. Lock the door if you decide to leave.”

  “Thanks, Mr. Melendez.”

  When he’s gone, Mara takes two Snickers bars outta her backpack and hands one to me. “Here’s lunch,” she says.

  “Thanks.” I open the wrapper real slow, trying to think of a good way to start talking to her. It’s not easy. And I know I’m gonna come off looking real bad even though I didn’t want any of this to happen. Not this way, anyway.

  So we eat for a little while without talking, and Mara’s so sweet she don’t even push me to talk. She waits for me. And I like that.

  I’m about halfway done with my Snickers when I finally say, “You know that guy, Nashawn? He’
s a junior.”

  “Of course,” she says. “He’s so cute!” She giggles, then covers her face with her hands.

  “He is,” I say. “And his locker is right next to mine.”

  “Lucky.”

  I take a deep breath. “Me and him hooked up a few times.”

  Mara’s eyes get wider, but I see her try to look like she’s not surprised. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. It wasn’t anything, really. Just, you know, sex. He really likes Adonna, and she’s really into him, too.”

  “Then why did you…? I mean—”

  “I know,” I say, looking down at the desk. “I just can’t really explain, you know? I was going through a lot of stuff and it just happened the first time. Then, I don’t know, it happened again, and I didn’t know how to stop it. Or if I really wanted to. Even though I knew it was wrong.” I get tears in my eyes, but I try to blink them away. “Then he went out with Adonna and they looked all happy and everything. So I told Adonna, which was stupid, I know.” The blinking isn’t working and I have to wipe my eyes. “And then yesterday she started a fight with me in front of the whole school and—” I shake my head. “It was bad.”

  “I heard about the fight,” Mara says. “These girls in English were talking about it. But they didn’t know what it was about.”

  I pick my head up. “I know I did the wrong thing, but Adonna never should have started a fight. Especially at school. I mean, we’re family and she’s not supposed to bring family business to school.”

  Mara nods, but she kinda looks like she might not agree with what I’m saying. She’s just trying to be a good friend.

  “I feel so stupid,” I say. “Nashawn was just using me and I should have known better, you know? And now the two of them are together and I don’t have anybody.”