by Coe Booth
Mara grabs ahold of one of my hands, and I keep trying not to cry. But all I can think about is Nashawn and Adonna being together and how she won. Not only did she get the guy she really wanted, she’s always gonna know that he picked her over me. That I couldn’t hold on to him. That she’s better than me. Like she always knew she was. And it hurts to be this stupid.
Finally, Mara says, “You could have told me this before, you know. I wouldn’t have said anything to anyone, and I could have helped you out. So you wouldn’t feel so alone.”
I nod and wipe my eyes again. “I know, but, you know, I just didn’t want you to think I was like that with guys, because I’m not. I mean, I never did anything like that before.”
Mara nods and looks at me like she’s really trying to understand me. “I know me and you aren’t as close as you and Adonna are, or at least were, but to me, you’re my friend, and you can tell me anything. Okay?”
“Okay,” I say, trying to smile through my tears. It does feel kinda good to hear her say that, too. Mara’s pretty cool. I don’t know why me and her never got to be real close, like outside of school and everything. Probably because I always had Adonna for that. For everything.
Me and Mara change the subject and start talking about the volunteer thing Mr. Melendez told us about. Mara tells me her mother don’t want her to do it. She wants to send her down south like she does every summer. “She doesn’t want me and my little sister to stay home all day while she’s at work. But I don’t see why she can’t send Nya without me. I’m in high school now.”
“I think it would be fun working on the production,” I say. “But I haven’t asked Renée yet.” Not that she’s gonna mind. Most likely she wouldn’t even care what I did. “Anyway, it’s hard to think of summer when we still have to get through finals.”
“Let’s study together over the weekend,” Mara says. “You can come over to my house. You can even spend the night if you want.”
Renée would probably like that, I think. That way she’d get to have Gerard stay over.
“I’ll ask Renée,” I tell Mara. “That would be fun, though.”
All of a sudden I’m feeling a whole lot better.
And that’s when the door opens, and when I look over I see Nashawn standing there looking right at me. “I been searching all over the school for you,” he said, “and I finally figured out where you were hiding.”
Seeing him in the doorway looking at me like that, I can’t help but feel a little nervous, a little weak. The way his eyes are just kinda focused on me the same way they did when we were alone together at his house, I can’t help but feel like maybe that look actually means something this time. It’s not smart—I know that—but if I was here alone and he was looking at me like that, I know I could get talked into anything in a second.
But I’m not alone. Mara’s here. And when I look over at her, her arms are crossed in front of her and she’s giving Nashawn the evil eye.
“Kendra doesn’t have anything to say to you,” she says, real blunt. “So keep stepping.”
And all I’m thinking is, thank God Mara is here to protect me…from myself.
THIRTY-EIGHT
But Nashawn don’t listen to Mara, and he don’t let her attitude stop him for a second. He comes right into the classroom, and when he turns around to close the door, me and Mara glance at each other and I try to tell her with my eyes how much I don’t want him in here in with us. Mara nods like she understands, and that makes me feel a little more comfortable because I know she’s not gonna leave my side. And no way am I gonna end up doing anything with him.
As Nashawn walks toward me, it’s hard to look at him and not focus on his body, those muscular shoulders and his stomach and the way it felt to touch him without his shirt on. I shake my head and try not to think about any of that, but it’s not easy. I mean, it’s been like, what, two seconds? And look at me. I’m already all hot for him again.
Nashawn sits down at the desk right next to mine. “Are you finally gonna let me talk to you?” he asks, leaning even closer to me.
And the closer he gets, the more I feel my heart racing faster and faster.
I wanna tell him no, that there’s nothing I wanna hear from him, but then I look in those deep brown eyes and I forget what I was gonna say.
Good thing Mara is there. She jumps right in with, “Well, she doesn’t wanna talk to you. How many times does she have to say that? Huh?” And she has the right tone of voice, too, like she’s not playing.
Nashawn sits back in his chair and even folds his hand like he’s a good boy, but he still has that half smile on his face, and it’s really making me crazy. I force myself to look away from him because, really, his lips look so good, if Mara wasn’t there, I would be all over them right now.
So I go back to eating my Snickers bar, and Mara starts talking to me again, trying to pick up our conversation where we left off, like Nashawn isn’t even there. “What kind of movies do you like?” she asks me. “Because when we’re finished studying, we can watch some of my DVDs.”
“I like funny movies,” I say. “And romantic movies, with cute guys, of course!” I start laughing, maybe a little too much. But Nashawn needs to know that I have plans of my own this weekend. I’m not gonna be sitting at home thinking of him while he’s probably out on another date with Adonna.
Mara giggles, too. “We’re gonna have fun.”
“Yeah,” I said. “We might even do some studying!”
Me and Mara go on and on for a little while longer, but even without turning back to see Nashawn, I know he’s still looking at me. Staring at me. It’s making me feel kinda uncomfortable because I know he’s probably thinking all kinda dirty things about me. But at the same time, it makes me feel kinda good, too, that he still wants me like that.
Finally, I can’t take it anymore, and I do end up looking over at him again. And yes, he been staring right at me. “What do you want?” I ask him.
“To talk to you,” he says, sitting up straight, with his hands still folded. “That’s all I want.”
“Fine,” I say, wondering why he has to be so cute. It’s not fair. “Talk, then.”
“Alone,” he says, glancing over to Mara. “Me and you. Alone. Talking.”
I look over at Mara, who shakes her head and mouths, “No way.”
When I turn back to Nashawn, I don’t know if it’s just what I want or if it’s real, but he looks like he’s telling the truth. Maybe he does just wanna talk to me. Maybe I owe it to him to at least listen.
For a few seconds I really don’t know what to do. I know I wanna be with him, but no, I can’t keep setting myself up to be hurt. But if he only wants to talk…
Finally, I turn to Mara. “Me and Nashawn are gonna go next door to the theater so we can talk. If I’m not back in five minutes, then come and get me.”
Mara don’t look all that happy about my decision, but she nods, anyway. Then she gives Nashawn a don’t-try-anything-with-my-friend look and it’s kinda scary, too. I really like that girl!
I still have the key to the theater, and when me and Nashawn get inside, it’s dark and seems even more empty now that the set is gone from the stage. Automatically, we both head straight for the dressing room, just like before. I’m not sure why, really, but I know we can talk in private there.
The second Nashawn closes the door behind us and we’re in the dark, all I can think about is everything that happened here. And before I can even get a word out, Nashawn’s lips are on mine and we’re kissing up against the door. I’m surprised and not surprised at the same time. Because deep down I knew this was gonna happen. I knew this was what I wanted.
“I missed you,” Nashawn says, kissing me on the neck and the side of my face.
I put my hands on both sides of his face and bring his lips back up to mine. I missed you, too, I wanna tell him. You don’t even know how much.
Being here with him, it’s hard to even think, much less keep time. I just let myself go, an
d without a doubt, I would do whatever he wants right now. But the thing is, something’s different this time. Me and him are kissing, his tongue deep in my mouth, one of his hands on my waist, but he’s not trying anything more. He’s not trying to take off any of my clothes and he’s not trying to get me on the couch.
And I’m confused. I pull away from him, and since my eyes are adjusting to the darkness, I can see the surprised look on his face. “What’s wrong?” he asks.
“We’re supposed to be talking, remember?”
“I think we wasted too much time,” he says, kissing me on the cheek a couple of times. “Let’s talk after school. Meet me at the lockers.”
I feel myself getting kinda nervous about what could happen if we do get together after school. “I, um, I have to go straight home today,” I tell him.
He’s still kissing me. “I won’t keep you too long.”
Just long enough.
But Nashawn don’t even let me really answer him. His lips are back on mine and right away my brain gets all cloudy again. I’m so weak and pathetic. It’s like I can’t even think straight anymore. I can’t believe I’m with Nashawn again, especially after the way I felt just a couple of days ago, when I knew he was just using me. I’m stupid, I know it. But still, his lips feel good right now, and I’m tired of always thinking and thinking. Why can’t I just have some fun?
So, in between kisses, I whisper, “Okay, I’ll meet you.”
“Good,” he says, with his tongue now tickling the inside of my ear, making me giggle.
Me and Nashawn spend the next couple of minutes still pressed up against the door, kissing. And I can’t help counting down the minutes in my mind, half expecting Mara to come barging into the dressing room any second. I don’t want this to end. Because here, in this dark room, it’s just me and Nashawn. There’s no Adonna.
THIRTY-NINE
It’s a mistake and I know it. But still, after school I’m doing it, walking down the hall to my locker to get the books I need. And to meet Nashawn.
At first I don’t see him, and my mind starts coming up with all kinda reasons, like maybe Adonna called his cell phone from home and they made plans of their own. Or maybe he just changed his mind about me.
I bend down and sort through the junk at the bottom of my locker. I take Adonna’s shoes and umbrella and magazines and throw them out onto the floor. I don’t care who takes them, either. Because I’ve had enough. I pull out my stupid algebra book and my bio study guide, and right before I close the locker, I get a tap on my shoulder. I look up and it’s him, but I don’t wanna look at him too long because the hall is crowded and I know everybody is probably looking at me after what happened yesterday. I definitely don’t want them seeing me talking to Nashawn, thinking I’m going after him again now that Adonna been suspended.
“You running a flea market or something?” Nashawn asks.
“It’s your girlfriend’s stuff,” I say, and my voice is definitely sharper than it was a couple of hours ago.
Nashawn bends down next to me and starts shoving all of Adonna’s stuff in his locker. Looking out for his woman. And I don’t know what happened to me between lunch and now, but I had second, third, and fourth thoughts about this whole “meet me after school” thing. I mean, it’s one thing to spend a few minutes alone with him in the dressing room, but leaving school with him and doing I-don’t-know-what, it just isn’t sitting right with me anymore. Because I know I’m gonna be the one getting hurt here.
I stand up and start to walk away, and he slams his locker closed and follows me just like he did that first time when we ended up in the teachers’ lounge. This girl Tracy is coming from the stairs and first she looks at me, then at Nashawn, and then at me again. Her face says it all. She’s thinking I should be ashamed or something. And all I know is, I’m getting tired of this already.
I run-walk down the stairs, and when I get to the landing between the first and second floor, Nashawn catches up to me and reaches out to grab my arm, but I don’t let him.
“What?” he asks.
“Nothing,” I say and keep going down the steps.
On the first floor, I walk down the hall toward the front door—but, no, I don’t wanna walk down the steps in front of the school after what happened out there yesterday. So I turn around and head toward the side door near the theater. Nashawn walks next to me and I know he’s confused by the way I’m acting, but I’m confused by him, too. Like, he’s supposed to be with Adonna and still he don’t seem to care if half the school sees him trying to get with me.
In the little hallway near the door, Nashawn says, “Slow down, c’mon.” And he finally grabs hold of my arm and stops me from moving. I try to pull myself away from him, but I can’t. He’s not letting me go.
So finally, after I give up, I turn to look at him and his eyes meet mine for a second. And even though I don’t wanna feel it, that look is kinda like a kiss between us. It’s quick and sweet and exciting.
“What about Adonna?” I ask.
“What about her?”
“Wrong answer,” I say, pulling free from him and pushing the door open.
He lets me walk ahead of him for a little while. Then he’s back at my side again. “Let me drive you home,” he says. “I still wanna talk to you, remember?”
There are a lot of kids out there, walking down the street or hanging around talking. Not as many as in the front of the school, but enough to mind my business. And I just don’t want them thinking I’m like this. “Nashawn,” I start, but I don’t know what to say next. I wanna tell him that I don’t want him driving me home, that I don’t even wanna talk to him anymore.
And I would say that, too, but there’s something about being alone that’s getting to me. If I let him go now, I’m gonna get on that train by myself, and when I get home I’m just gonna end up sitting there alone. Even when Renée comes home, if she don’t go out with her friends, me and her aren’t gonna talk, either. Not really.
We still haven’t talked since Dunkin’ Donuts. And yesterday I know she was mad at me for fighting with Adonna, but she didn’t even talk to me about what happened or anything. Even Nana would have done that. Well, after she finished yelling and telling me how I’m never gonna be allowed to leave the apartment again because obviously I don’t know how to act in public.
Actually, I don’t know which is better.
Nashawn grabs my hand and starts massaging my fingers through his. It don’t take me long to give him an answer.
“Okay,” I say. “You can drive me.” And actually, I do wanna hear what he has to say to me.
As we’re driving, I stare at the side of his face as he concentrates on the road. There’s something about him, not just his cute face and perfect body. There’s something else that makes him so hard to resist. Something in his eyes.
My mind is so caught up in thinking about him, it takes me a few minutes to notice that Nashawn’s driving in the direction of Bronxwood. “Um, Nashawn,” I say.
He glances over at me for a second. “Yeah?”
“I forgot to tell you. I moved on Saturday.”
He slows the car down and pulls up against the curb in front of a grocery store. “You moved?”
“Yeah. In with my mother. To Harlem.”
He shrugs. “Okay, no problem.”
“You don’t have to drive me home if it’s too far. You can just tell me whatever you wanna say right here. I mea—”
Nashawn leans over and kisses me, stopping me from rambling on and on. The kiss is long and intense, and both of us are breathing hard and heavy. When it’s over and his body moves away from mine a little, I can already feel the space between us now and I don’t like it. “I wanna go to your house,” I say, but my voice is really shaky. “Please.”
Nashawn looks like he don’t know what’s going on with me. But he don’t say anything. He just makes a U-turn and starts driving in the other direction while I look outta the window.
I re
ally don’t know why I’m so shaky, because I do wanna be alone with Nashawn again. I do. I definitely don’t wanna go home. That’s for sure.
“Where are we going?” I ask, seeing that we’re heading toward the highway, which I know we didn’t take last time I went to his house.
“I’m taking you home. But you’re gonna have to tell me what street you live on or I’m just gonna keep driving around and around. And gas prices are—”
“I thought we were—I don’t wanna go home.”
“I know,” he says. “But I don’t wanna go home, neither.”
I turn around, and the look on his face is sadder than I ever saw it. He’s looking straight ahead, but now his eyes seem heavier or something. A second later he glances over at me real fast and asks, “You okay?”
“I don’t know,” I say, shrugging. “Are you?”
“Yeah, yeah,” he says, but I’m not really believing him.
I reach out and touch his hand on the steering wheel. “What did you wanna talk to me about?”
“I wanna talk to you about Adonna,” he says as we merge onto the highway.
FORTY
Adonna.
Just hearing her name, it feels like I been punched again. Only not by her this time, by my own guilt or something. It’s like all of a sudden she’s in the car with us, because I can’t stop thinking about her. About what I did to her.
Nashawn must be thinking about her, too, because for a while we drive without talking. I look outta the window thinking—knowing—I shouldn’t be here with him. Not that it’s really about him. Because it’s not. It’s about me. But no matter what I feel about him, it’s not right.
He should be with her.
All the way to Convent Avenue, me and Nashawn hardly talk, except for me trying to help him find the right places to turn. Deep down I’m kinda hoping this trip will take longer than it is, because it’s hard to think about not being with him anymore, even though we were hardly ever together. Not really. It’s just hard to think that he’ll be with Adonna instead of me.