by Coe Booth
We pull up in front of the brownstone and Nashawn turns off the engine even though I just wanna get outta the car as fast as possible and not even have to listen to him talk. About Adonna. I mean, I already know what he’s gonna say.
So I tell him, “Thanks for driving me,” and reach for the door handle.
But Nashawn reaches over and grabs my hand, stopping me. “Wait.”
I sigh. “I know what you wanna say and I—”
“Hey, why don’t you let a man talk?”
I give him a look. “Man?”
“Okay, okay, let’s not get into that again.” He smiles, looking right into my eyes.
And that’s all it takes to get me to stay where I am.
Nashawn now has my hand in between both of his. “What I wanted to say is, ‘Sorry.’ I feel bad ’cause you and Adonna’s friendship is messed up, and it’s a hundred percent my fault.”
“It is not,” I say. “It’s my fault. Why do you think—?”
“Let me talk,” he says, moving closer to me, as close as he can in that little tiny car. “That day, the Sunday when you were leaving the play and I was coming from the game, when me and you, you know, hooked up, I thought it was just, I don’t know, like, fun. That’s what I thought. And that’s what I thought you wanted. Fun.”
I can’t look him in the eyes anymore, because what he’s saying is killing me. It hurts so bad to know that I meant nothing to him except a good time. “You don’t have to say this, Nashawn. I get that already.”
He leans over to kiss me, just a quick one on the lips. “Every time you talk when I’m supposed to be talking, I’m gonna kiss you.”
It’s hard not to smile, but I don’t. “Go on.”
“Okay. What I was saying is this—I know you think I was using you, and in a way I was, but I didn’t know I was using you ’til Friday.”
I open my mouth to say something, but he’s already kissing me. When he pulls away, I say, “I didn’t say anything.”
“You were gonna.”
“That’s not fair,” I say.
“Okay, you get to talk one time with no kiss, but then after that, we go back to the kiss rule.”
“Fine.”
“That was your one time.” He smirks, and it’s so hard to keep my hands off of him. Really hard. “Now, as I was saying, when a girl like you lets a guy like me, you know…” He’s looking for the right word and what he comes up with is, “hit it, of course I’m gonna do it. You’re hot.”
I roll my eyes because I know I’m not hot, but I don’t say anything.
“I was just thinking it was…” He shakes his head. “Well, I wasn’t thinking. Then on Friday, when you started crying and you left my house like that—”
“That wasn’t your fault,” I say, getting embarrassed. “I mean, when we were, you know, I thought it meant something to you and then when Adonna called, I knew you wanted to answer, and that’s okay because I know you like her, but—”
“I don’t like her,” he says, and leans over to kiss me again, which I was kinda waiting for. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you,” he says. “I don’t like Adonna. I like you.” And he kisses me again.
But this isn’t one of those you-interrupted-me-so-I’m-gonna-kiss-you-to-shut-you-up kinda kisses. This one is real. It’s takes awhile for it to end, and I’m the one that pulls my lips away first, not because it’s not good but because I don’t understand. “What do you mean?” I wanna know for real if he likes me or if he just likes hitting it?
“I like you,” he says again. “You.”
I take my time looking at his face, his mouth and his eyes, checking to see if any part of him will give him away and let me know he’s not telling me the truth. But what I see is straightforward and real. He means what he’s saying. “But why didn’t you tell me? Why did you go out with Adonna? And then yesterday I saw you and her in the hall together. I, I don’t get it.”
He shakes his head. “Me, neither. But all I can say is, it’s hard being a guy sometimes. I mean, I’m gonna be honest with you. The only reason I went out with Adonna is because of how she looks.”
I feel a sharp pain in my whole body when he says that. I don’t know why. I mean, it’s not like he’s the first guy to notice Adonna in that way, but he just told me he likes me, yet and still, he’s still thinking about the way Adonna looks.
“I went out with her for that, and because I knew she liked me. And when a girl likes you, a girl like that, as a guy it’s hard to pass that kinda thing up. I’m just being honest.”
I nod, like what he’s saying isn’t bothering me.
“But by Friday when you left my house, I could tell you had feelings for me and I didn’t want you to go because I already knew I was starting to like you, too, so it was hard even going out with Adonna on Saturday. And that was the worst date I ever had.” He starts laughing. “Damn, that girl is hard to put up with, one on one. We went to Bay Plaza and we started walking around before the movie started and she was taking me past all the clothes stores and telling me what kinda clothes she likes on guys. And the stuff she was showing me was like eighty-dollar T-shirts and two-hundred-dollar jeans. And I’m not even gonna talk about the sneakers she likes.” He’s still laughing and shaking his head. “I would have to sell my car to afford them.”
Even I have to laugh with him, because Adonna is kinda crazy about all that stuff.
“All through the movie I was thinking about you,” Nashawn says. “And after, she wanted to go eat something and I was thinking, like, I can’t take any more of this. So I told her I had to get home to feed my dog, you know, the one I don’t have, and I took her home. And when I was walking her to her building, she was talking to me about what we could do together next week, and I was feeling bad because I couldn’t figure out how to get outta this without hurting her, especially because I wanted to start going out with you, and you and her are family. You know?”
“Yeah,” I say.
“So Monday I dodged her all day and she left me two messages on my cell after school, but I never called her back. Then on Tuesday she saw me in the hall and she was talking and talking and talking, so finally I told her right there that I like her but as a friend, but that I already like somebody else. And when she asked me who, I didn’t wanna tell her, but she guessed it was you, and when I didn’t say anything, she knew she was right. Then, after school, that’s when she tried to jump you.” He looks away from me. “I didn’t know about it ’til it was over, but somebody came over to us at practice and told us what happened, and of course I felt like shit because I knew if I didn’t tell her, she wouldn’t have done that to you. You know, I messed up.”
“It is a mess,” I say, “but we’re not your problem, me and Adonna. We’re the ones that’s gonna have to work it out, not you. And not now.”
“C’mon,” Nashawn says. “Let’s walk around the block or something. All this talking is making me feel like I’m, I don’t know, the emotional type.” He laughs.
We get outta the car and right away he grabs my hand. And we walk down the block together holding hands and I really like this, being out in front of other people this way. We’re at the corner when I say to him, “I think I was kinda using you, too.”
He don’t say anything, but when I look up at him I can tell he’s listening.
“I had a lot going on at home. My mother and grandmother, and I thought both of them didn’t really want me or anything. And I think I just wanted to be with somebody. But then it wasn’t just somebody I wanted to be with.” I take a deep breath, feeling kinda scared to say what I’m about to say, like I’m opening myself up too much or something. But I say it, anyway. “It was you. I only wanted to be with you.”
Me and Nashawn kiss, and I think about what Nana would say if she saw the two of us standing here together, holding hands and kissing right here on the sidewalk. But to me, it feels like the right thing to do, and I’m glad we’re doing it.
When we finish o
ur walk around the block, we do it again and then again, walking and talking and kissing, in our own world or something. Finally, as we come around to my brownstone for, like, the fourth time, we see Renée sitting on the steps out front. And she’s not dressed for work, so she must have changed already. “Are you two going to keep walking around in circles all afternoon?” she asks, smiling the whole time.
“The block is rectangular,” I say, giggling a little bit. “And you weren’t there before.”
“I was watching y’all from the window.”
We go up the steps and sit next to her, me in between the two of them. I introduce Nashawn to Renée and ask her why she’s home so early. “I had a lot of reading to do, so I brought it all home,” she says. She lifts her head so she can soak up some of the sun. “Isn’t is beautiful today?”
Nashawn looks at me and says, “Yeah, it is.”
I smile.
“Gerard’s on his way over,” Renée says, “and he’s bringing pizza with him.” She tells Nashawn, “You have to stay. This is the best pizza you’ll ever eat.” She looks really excited and I’m wondering if it has more to do with Gerard or the pizza.
Nashawn don’t put up a fight and for a while we sit out there with her, talking about nothing, really, just killing time and enjoying the sun. Meanwhile, Nashawn hasn’t let go of my hand and I can feel myself inside starting to relax because maybe everything will work out okay between us.
When Gerard arrives, he rushes up the stairs with a large pizza box in his hands. “C’mon, y’all. It’s still hot.” He gives Renée a kiss and says, “You playing hooky today?”
“I was working from home,” she says.
“Yeah, right.” He laughs.
We all go inside and up to our apartment. And it’s not ’til we get inside and get the paper plates out and the pizza box open that we see what it is, and to me it don’t even look like pizza, because it has mashed potatoes and cheese and bacon and tomatoes and bits of green stuff all over it.
“What is that?” I ask, and me and Nashawn exchange looks.
Gerard takes a slice out and puts it on my plate, and it just sits there like a big mess. “Taste it,” he says.
“Not ’til you tell me what it is!”
Renée elbows me outta the way and grabs a piece for herself. “It’s called Loaded Potato Pizza. Gerard and I discovered it at this little hole-in-the-wall restaurant in Hoboken. And after one bite, oh, my God, we were in love!” She leans over her plate and takes a big bite, and even as she’s chewing she’s smiling so big I can’t stop myself from trying it, and she is so right about it. I don’t know if I’d really call it pizza, but whatever it is, it’s good.
For the next twenty minutes, we don’t talk. All we do it eat. Renée and Gerard sit at the table, and me and Nashawn sit on the futon with our pizza on the coffee tables. And I’m real happy being here with Nashawn and everybody, even though I still can’t really believe it’s happening.
Then, when we’re all too full to eat any more, Gerard asks Nashawn to help him move the bookcase over to the other side of the room. And while they’re doing that, Gerard starts asking him questions, and I’m wondering if this whole thing wasn’t just an excuse to interrogate Nashawn, like he’s someone Gerard just arrested or something. But at the same time, I kinda like that Gerard is looking out for me like this, making sure Nashawn is okay.
So while me and Renée clean up, which takes about thirty seconds, I listen to what Nashawn is saying and again I see how much I don’t know about him. Like, I find out about how Nashawn really wants to go to Morehouse College in Atlanta and play baseball for them, and how his grades are good, but he’s not sure if they’re good enough. And when Gerard asks him about his mom and dad, I find out that his mom works for an insurance company in the city, and his dad died when he was three.
Then Nashawn says something that really hits me. Just as they’re finishing moving the bookcase, he says, “My mom’s over in the Middle East right now, you know, with the Army Reserve. Her unit got deployed in March and she’s gonna be there for a year. At least.” And he gets that same sad look on his face that he got in the car. When he told me he didn’t wanna go home.
“I didn’t know that,” I say, going over next to him and grabbing his hand. It’s like I feel sorry for him and kinda guilty for never really asking about her.
“Yeah,” he says. “I don’t like to talk about it all the time? Not too much.”
I nod, and I wanna hug him and kiss him, but I don’t wanna do it in front of Renée and Gerard. Here I am living with my mother finally and he’s away from his.
A little while later, Renée puts on some makeup and a pair of high heels and she tells me that her and Gerard are going out for a little while. “We’re just going for a quick drink,” she says. “I’m coming right back. Right back. Hint. Hint.”
“Very funny,” I say and try to look and sound real innocent. “You guys can take your time. Have fun. You don’t have to rush back for us.”
Anyway, I know what she’s doing. She’s testing me. Trying to see if I meant it when I said I wasn’t gonna do anything anymore.
She probably thinks me and Nashawn are just like her and Kenny were when they were our age. But we’re not.
I’m not gonna let us be.
FORTY-ONE
“Your mom is cool,” Nashawn says the second the door closes. “Leaving us here alone like this.”
He comes closer to me and wraps his arms around me, but I’m still thinking that he called Renée my mom and how funny that sounds.
“You know, this never would have happened if I was still living with Nana,” I tell him.
“Nana? She the one that was gonna have you checked?”
I laugh. “Yeah. That’s her.”
We kiss. And outta the corner of my eye I see the futon and my Aerobed, and I can’t help but wonder how much time it takes for people to have a drink. I mean, I know I can drink a soda in, like, three minutes, but alcohol is different. It burns if you drink it too fast. At least that beer I drank at Nashawn’s house did. But then I remember that I’m being tested and I better not even let my mind go there. I can’t. “Let’s make some popcorn,” I say the second we come up for air.
“I’m stuffed from all that—what did they call it? Load of potatoes pizza?” He laughs.
“Something like that.”
I’m stuffed, too, but I still want popcorn. I need a little time to cool myself off. In a way I’m glad I made Renée buy popcorn, because it’ll give me and Nashawn something to do besides what we always do, to get to know each other with our clothes on. I mean, I’m not sure if that’s what Nashawn wants, but I know it’s what I need.
A few minutes later, with a big bowl of popcorn drowning in melted butter, we sit on the futon, turn on the TV, and try to find something good to watch. There’s lots of news on and some reruns of sitcoms from, like, ten years ago but nothing good. So we leave it on but mute the sound, and we eat and talk. About everything.
He tells me about his mom and how much he misses her, even though they get to keep in touch by e-mail and even phone calls sometimes. And I find out that he has family in South Carolina and Texas, but he don’t wanna go live with them, because he’s gonna be playing in a New York baseball league this summer and he’s hoping it can help him get a baseball scholarship to college.
I tell him about how Renée had me so young and how I had to grow up without her around most of the time. And how I went to two graduations before her last one and thought she was coming home both times, but she would just go back for another degree and leave me alone again.
We’re doing that good kinda talking, sitting close and looking at each other in the eye and, yeah, whenever there’s a little gap in the conversation, we’re kissing like we’re never gonna see each other again. And these are sweet, buttery kisses, which are my favorite now.
“How’d you get a nickname like Babe?” Nashawn asks. He has an arm around me and I’m pr
essed up against him. “’Cause you know I’m gonna start calling you that, right?”
“You better not,” I say, even though having him call me Babe would mean something different than when Nana or Kenny do it. Or even Renée. “The only reason I got that nickname was because, when I was born, Nana wouldn’t let Renée give me Kenny’s last name. I was gonna be, like, Erika Singleton.”
“That’s Adonna’s last name, right?”
“Yeah. But Nana wasn’t having it. She said no way was she gonna let me have the last name of some fifteen-year-old boy that wasn’t ever gonna be any kinda father to me. So since I couldn’t have his last name, Renée named me Kendra instead. But Nana still wasn’t happy, so she just started calling me Babe. And unfortunately it stuck.”
“I like it,” he says, and kisses me on my neck. Then he whispers, “You are so beautiful, Babe.”
I almost automatically say, No, I’m not. But I stop myself because I know what I’m doing. I’m comparing myself to Adonna, and I need to stop doing that.
Pretty soon me and him are practically laying together on the futon and we’re still kissing, but now his hand is under my shirt. My body is on fire and my eyes are closed and I really, really don’t wanna stop this. Really.
But I have to. I have to. And not just because of Renée is testing me, either.
So I pull myself away from him and sit up. It’s not easy, but I do it. And I’m still breathing kinda hard when I tell him, “I know we already hooked up and everything. But…” I can feel myself getting a little nervous. “I wanna go slow now. Okay?”
He flashes that little wicked grin. “Hey, okay. That’s cool. I can probably wait, like, a week.”
I grab some popcorn from the bowl, throw it at him, and laugh.
“Or two,” he says, and nods. “Yeah, I can probably wait two weeks if that’s what you need.”
I scoop up a whole handful of popcorn this time and throw it, aiming right at his face. Then I scream as he reaches out and grabs me. And the next thing I know, he’s tickling me and kissing me, and I’m real glad to get to see this side of him, because I like it. A lot.