A Midwinter Promise

by Lulu Taylor

  ‘But the house was Mum’s,’ Alex pointed out. ‘Not Pa’s. If he’d left her, he and Sally would have been out on their ear together.’

  ‘But if Sally didn’t know that, perhaps she thought she would get the house, the lifestyle, the security. If she did know – well, maybe her love for David was genuine. Or maybe she intended to hound your mother to death.’

  Lala said it flatly but the horror still came through and Alex gasped, appalled. She had never once, in all her days, thought Sally might purposefully have tried to drive her mother to her death. It’s a terrible thought! She realised afresh how little she knew of the past.

  ‘What happened to Mum?’ she asked, leaning forward towards her aunt. ‘We were never really told. And now that Pa is dead—’

  ‘David’s dead too?’ Lala’s face softened. ‘Oh. I didn’t know. I’m sorry, my dear. And now you’re looking for answers.’ She eyed Alex curiously. ‘Are you married?’

  ‘I’m divorced – almost – and I’ve got two girls.’

  ‘You’re at a time in your life when things need explaining – you bring two new people into the world and suddenly your own life and your own childhood are thrown into relief. You wonder what was going on around you when you were little. I understand that. Now you’ve lost your father, your thoughts are returning to your mother. That’s understandable too.’ Lala leaned back against her cushions. ‘I can’t tell you much from the time you were born. I wasn’t there for those years. But I know your father was unfaithful with Sally, and Julia knew about it. Julia was beautiful and spirited and emotional and she’d had her own demons – a mother who died in late pregnancy. It left her both fragile and idealistic – a very, very toxic combination. If you’re tough and pragmatic, life is easier for you. If you’re the reverse, life is a series of desperate disappointments, frightful setbacks and broken dreams. And if, like Julia, you’re desperate for love and tormented by fear and mental problems, life can become overwhelming.’

  ‘She had depression,’ Alex said quietly, but her mind was reeling from the knowledge that Johnnie had been right. There had been an affair between Pa and Sally, and Mum had known. No wonder she’d wanted to die. Bitter hatred towards Sally rose up inside Alex, a hundred times stronger than anything she’d ever felt before.

  ‘Yes, a certain sort of depression. It probably started from her experience with her mother dying but it grew to encompass all aspects of her life. Eventually, she couldn’t cope at all. She tried, though. She used the garden to help her.’ Lala smiled at her. ‘And you children. She loved you both so desperately.’

  ‘It’s hard to understand why she left us.’ Alex’s voice quavered. ‘That’s always been the hardest thing.’

  ‘She wouldn’t have wanted to. They found high levels of toxins in her blood – she’d drunk a lot. She wasn’t in her right mind. Leaving you would have been her nightmare.’

  ‘What happened?’

  Lala looked suddenly desperately sad. ‘She went out onto that horrible lake, with all its weeds and stems, in the rotten boat. She was alone, so no one saw it, but somehow she ended up over the side, tangled up in all of that weed. And she drowned.’ Her expression misted as she remembered. ‘That morning was surreal. Bizarre. I lived in the middle of Paris then and that night the world turned on its head. I woke up to hear of that car accident, the one that killed the princess. The news was full of it, the streets were crammed, reporters everywhere, it was mayhem. My telephone went and when David told me the news, I was so confused. I thought he was mixing up Julia with her. I kept saying but no, she’s in Paris! It’s here that she’s dead! He was so stunned by both events – he knew the princess too, of course – and he was almost overwhelmed by their coinciding. Within a week, he was at the funeral in Westminster Abbey. A little while later, after the post-mortem and the release of the body, he was at Julia’s. Sally was at his side, of course.’

  ‘Were you there?’

  ‘No. I didn’t come. I was too angry. I couldn’t bear to lay eyes on them because I believed they’d killed her.’ Lala lifted her chin obstinately. ‘I still believe that, if I’m honest. I was too angry to come back, even if they’d wanted me, which they didn’t. David said to me over the phone I should leave you children alone to have a normal childhood. I was desperately offended – I thought he meant Lisbet, you see, and that he was worried I might infect you in some way with my decadence.’ She looked suddenly repentant, her chin going down and her shoulders slumping. ‘That was possibly wrong. I probably owe you an apology for leaving you alone all this time.’

  Alex smiled sadly. ‘Who knows? We can’t tell what might have been.’

  Lala was looking at her almost as if for the first time. ‘You seem like an impressive young woman, Alexandra. Julia would have been very proud if she were here now. She would love to know you and your children. I don’t believe she would ever have left you if the pain of staying weren’t too great.’

  There was silence for a moment and their mutual sadness filled the air.

  ‘Are you sure Pa and Sally started their affair while Mum was still alive?’

  ‘That’s certainly what she believed.’

  ‘And you think that’s what drove her to her death?’

  ‘What else could it have been? She had everything to live for – apart from that.’ Lala’s expression was sombre. ‘That’s what I’ve believed all these years.’

  Alex gazed at the tiled floor in contemplation, then spoke softly. ‘I still feel like there are questions to answer. I don’t think I understand yet.’

  ‘Perhaps you never can. Maybe the answers aren’t there.’

  ‘They are,’ Alex said. ‘I’m sure of it. Sally can tell me. You can tell me.’ She leaned forward. ‘Lala, would you come to Tawray? I want your memories and stories and everything you can tell me about my mother. The answer might be in there, even though you don’t know it. Johnnie needs it too. He’s still suffering. It would help us. Will you?’

  Lala stared and said nothing for a long while. Then she got to her feet and walked around the room pensively. ‘Tawray,’ she said at last. ‘I have such mixed feelings about it. I was happy there, though. And so was Julia.’ She smiled. ‘So very strange that you found the painting. I’d love to see it again.’ Then, suddenly decisive, she nodded once. ‘Yes. I will come. Very soon. I’ll come and I’ll try to tell you everything you and Johnnie need to know. I owe you that.’

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  When Alex got home on Sunday afternoon with the girls in the back of the car, tired from their weekend with their father, she was surprised to see a car parked in the driveway. Then she spotted Jasper outside the house, inspecting the view out over the fields.

  ‘Hello,’ he said, as she got out. ‘You’re back!’ His eyes went to the girls as they climbed out with their overnight bags. ‘Sorry, is this a bad time?’

  ‘It’s fine,’ Alex said with a smile, though she felt exhausted from her whistle-stop trip to Paris. She’d got back that morning, having spent the night in a cheap London hotel before catching an early train home. ‘These are my daughters, Scarlett and Jasmine.’

  ‘Hi, girls!’ Jasper said with a smile and a wave. They chorused their hellos, and then waited impatiently on the doorstep for Alex to let them in. ‘They’re gorgeous,’ he said to Alex as they disappeared down the hall once she’d opened the door. ‘You must be so proud.’

  ‘I am. Come in. Would you like a coffee? You want to see me about something?’

  ‘Always.’ Jasper smiled as he followed her in. ‘A little bird told me that you just had a birthday.’

  ‘Well, it was a while ago now. It was on New Year’s Eve. I didn’t feel like doing much, with Pa just having died, so it went under the radar.’

  ‘No, no, I quite see that.’ He looked solemn as they went into the kitchen and Alex put her bag down. ‘But what a date for a birthday. Always a party!’

  ‘Yes, but never a birthday party,’ she replied, and they l
aughed.

  ‘So next year, you should do a Scottish Hogmanay,’ he said conversationally. ‘I think you’d love it. Proper reeling and everything. I love it.’

  ‘Do you wear a kilt?’

  ‘Of course. I’ve got the full outfit. It’s a crowd pleaser.’ He grinned, then went on. ‘So I called by on the off chance to see if your brother wanted to come up and see the mural. It’s a bit large to leave in the drawing room indefinitely. I’m going to put it back in the attic until you decide what you’d like done with it.’

  Alex gasped. ‘I’m sorry, I completely forgot we’d left it rolled out for him to look at! You must have been walking around it for ages.’

  ‘It’s been no bother,’ Jasper said with a friendly shrug. ‘But maybe it’s time to put it away.’

  ‘Johnnie would love to see it.’ Alex smiled at him. ‘It looks like my brother is going to be moving down here permanently. He’s taking over running the estate. You two will probably have a lot to do with each other.’

  ‘Ah.’ Jasper looked thoughtful. ‘Well, I hope he doesn’t mind dealing with a stubborn Scottish git.’

  ‘He can’t wait. Says it’s always been his dream. Actually, he is really interested in some of your schemes. I told him about your plan for ground-source heating and he loves it. He wants the whole estate to move towards environmentally friendly methods of living – he thinks Tawray could be a model for the future.’

  Jasper looked excited. ‘Really? Ah, that’s great! And I’ve got some plans for your old house – always assuming you guys are happy with them. Listen, what do you think of this? Totally carbon-neutral wedding receptions.’

  ‘Great idea.’ Alex smiled at him. Her spirits rose and her tiredness lifted. Talking about the future and what they could do to make it better always cheered her up. It helped her put the worst of the past away for good. ‘It sounds like we’ve got a lot to talk about. My brother’s in London with his family, but he’s coming back tonight. Can I bring him up tomorrow?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Great.’

  There’s a lot to spring on Johnnie before then. I hope he’s ready for it.

  Johnnie sat on the sofa close to the fire, a glass of wine in his hand, and listened astonished as Alex told him about her trip to Paris. When she’d finished, he said, ‘You didn’t think to tell me about this before you went?’

  ‘It was such an impulsive decision. We were all still reeling from Pa’s funeral and Mundo’s behaviour, and I wasn’t thinking all that clearly. But the first thing I’ve done is tell you.’

  ‘I could have come with you.’

  ‘I thought about that. But I wasn’t sure how we’d be received, and one person is less intimidating than two. As it turned out, she was absolutely fine.’ Alex remembered her afternoon with Lala in the house in Versailles. ‘In fact, she didn’t turn a hair. You’d have thought it was an everyday occurrence, having a long-lost niece turn up out of the blue. But afterwards she sent me this.’ Alex pushed her phone across the table to show him the email she’d received from Lala, in which she poured out the emotions she felt on being reunited with Alex and the feelings of guilt and regret she had about their separation.

  Johnnie read it, his expression blank.

  ‘She wants to come and see us, and visit Tawray – it used to be her home too, she grew up there.’ Alex looked at him pleadingly. ‘Imagine what she can tell us about Mum. Don’t you want to know? I want to, very badly. I feel as though people have tried to keep us away from her for so long. Lala can tell you about what happened, the way she did me. I feel as though that will somehow bring Mum back just a little.’

  Johnnie nodded slowly. Then he closed his eyes. When he opened them, he sighed. ‘It’s hard to let go of anger,’ he said. ‘Why didn’t she come and help us when we were only young? How come everyone left us to Sally’s tender mercies?’

  Alex nodded. ‘What happened, happened. Everyone made mistakes.’

  ‘But aren’t you angry, Al? Angry at Sally and Pa? If what Lala said is true, they started their affair right under Mum’s nose.’

  ‘I know.’ Alex felt the bubbling of her fury. It had been eating at her ever since she’d seen Lala. All the way back on the Eurostar, all through the night in that cheap hotel and on the train home. They killed her, they killed her, they killed her. Something deep inside her had changed. The pity she’d had for Sally, the desire for them to forge a bond – that had gone. Lala’s words rang in her ears and played over and again in her mind: Sally had been a viper in the bosom. Perhaps she had intended to hound Mum to her death. She had been sleeping with Pa before Mum died, maybe for years, and Mum knew it. ‘I am angry. I’m furious.’ She shook her head. ‘I think that perhaps she deserves what Pa did to her – leaving her without security and a home. Maybe we should do exactly what we want, and chuck her out. Let Mundo take care of her. I expect she’ll soon see that he wasn’t worth everything she did for him, the way she tried to further his interests over us all the time. Maybe we should do that.’

  Johnnie stared at her and she could see reflected in his eyes her own feelings of rage and desire for revenge. ‘Yes,’ he said grimly.

  Alex pictured Sally – the blue-green eyes, frosted blonde hair, powder-soft skin. The strangely old-fashioned clothes, the desire for everything to be neat and tidy. She’s a mystery. A hateful, horrible mystery. And she deserves to suffer for what she did.

  Johnnie said slowly, ‘Maybe she should get what’s coming to her.’

  Alex drove them both up to the house the next morning. It was Johnnie’s first trip back to Tawray in a very long time, and it was odd to know that the pain he’d felt at its loss had been that of a phantom bereavement. It was still there, and while they might not live there, they were still its owners, entwined with its past and its future.

  Alex talked excitedly on the drive there. ‘I’m sure you and Jasper are going to get on. He’s so enthusiastic, he’s got loads of ideas for encouraging environmentally friendly living, and supporting local business. He’s got piles of inspiration for how we can work together.’

  Johnnie raised his eyebrows. ‘Oh, I say – has he now? And who exactly is this Jasper? Sounds like he’s a little more than just the occupant of Tawray.’

  Alex laughed, flushing slightly. ‘He’s a friend. And he’s married, actually, so don’t get any ideas. But I think he’s a good thing for Tawray and he certainly wants to work with us, not against us.’ She told him how Jasper had turned the flower festival into much more than she imagined. ‘So he’s worth cultivating, especially if you’re going to be running the estate. You two could come up with some brilliant schemes. Jasper was saying he wanted to get Tawray running on an all-natural reed bed system, and cut out non-organic products in the water system entirely. Nothing but biodegradable cleaning products, shampoos, soaps, you name it . . .’

  ‘I like that idea,’ Johnnie said thoughtfully. Alex’s positivity was catching. ‘We want to move Bertie entirely to organic and biodegradable products, to help with his allergies.’

  ‘Good idea. And here we are.’

  They were welcomed by Jasper, who came out onto the front steps before they’d even had time to ring the bell.

  ‘So you’re Johnnie.’ Jasper shook Johnnie’s hand heartily. ‘It’s an honour to make your acquaintance. I think we’ve got some fun times ahead of us, according to Alex. Lots of people think these old houses don’t have a place in the modern world. But I think they’re wrong. We need community more than ever, with the virtual world taking over so much of our lives. We need places, we need spaces. We need gardens and other people.’ He waved his arm in the direction of the house, with its many windows, its turrets and gracious proportions. ‘That’s what we can do here. People. Nature. Harmony. That’s my dream.’

  ‘Wow,’ Johnnie said with a laugh. ‘And all before we’ve had coffee.’

  ‘Sorry, mate, sorry – come in! I can get carried away sometimes, can’t I, Alex?’

&
nbsp; ‘A bit,’ Alex said dryly. She smiled. ‘But that’s what we like about you.’

  Johnnie was looking up at the big house. For so long, he’d thought of it as the place where Sally had made his life a misery, where Mundo had tormented him and where Pa had appeared to turn his face against him and not see what was going on. And it was the place where Mum had died, with all the terrible changes that meant.

  But what if we remake it? What if we can do what Jasper says, and bring people in? He thought of Bertie and the way he needed safe spaces to occupy, room to be taught and room to live. Once he grew up and could no longer be in full-time education, he would need somewhere he could live and breathe and be occupied. Could that be somewhere like this?

  Just then, Polly came marching out of the front door. ‘’Scuse me,’ she said briefly, not looking at the visitors.

  ‘Where are you off to, Pols?’ Jasper asked in a friendly tone.

  ‘Shopping,’ she said shortly, and went quickly down the steps to her car. A moment later, it was pulling around on the gravel and heading for the gates.

  ‘Charming, isn’t she?’ Jasper said, shaking his head as he watched her go. ‘I’ll never get what my brother sees in her.’

  ‘Your brother?’ Alex said, looking surprised. ‘Duncan?’

  ‘No. The other one. Hugh. He and Polly went off to Australia to find a new life, didn’t like it and came back penniless. So they’re living with me until they get back on their feet. Well, Polly is. Hugh is out on the oil rigs, making some money.’

  ‘So she’s your sister-in-law,’ Alex said slowly.