by AJ Stern
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright Page
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
CHAPTER 5
CHAPTER 6
CHAPTER 7
CHAPTER 8
CHAPTER 9
CHAPTER 10
CHAPTER 11
CHAPTER 12
GROSSET & DUNLAP
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Text copgright © 2010 by AJ Stern. Illustrations copyright © 2010 by Doreen Mulryan Marts.
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CHAPTER 1
It is a scientificfact that I had three fantastical ideas in one day. It all started the morning I returned Herbert, our class rabbit. Everyone gets a chance to take him home for one entire night. When it was my turn, our teacher, Mrs. Pellington, said, “Frannie, do not do anything with Herbert other than feed him, watch him, and clean his cage.”
I looked Mrs. Pellington right in the eyeballs and promised her I would not do any of her Do Nots. It is a good thing she said something because I was going to practice a new haircutting style on Herbert.
I’m so good at cutting hair; I am considering being a professional haircutter. The only thing is, I don’t think they have offices and if you don’t already know this about me, I love offices.
When I returned Herbert the next day without any haircuts or even seventeen-one-hundred teeny tiny pony tails all over him (which is a for instance of a new style I’m working on) Mrs. P. was so impresstified that she said in front of my entire class, “Frannie, I’m extremely proud of you. You are clearly very good with animals.” Clearly and extremely are very grown-up words. I try and use adult words as oftenly as possible.
My best friend, Elliott, was clearly extremely happy for me because when I looked over at him, he gave me a double thumbs-up. My smile was so big, it almost wrapped around my entire head. And that is when I had my first fantastical idea.
My dad always says people should put their talents to good use. Certainly, I hadn’t realized I was so talented with animals, but once I found out I was, I planned to put it to good use. So I decided to un-become a haircutter and become a veterinarian, instead. Although I’d never been to a veterinarian before, I knew for an actual I fact that they had offices. I knew because my parents actually know a veterinarian. Dr. Katz. In my head, I spell it Dr. Cats, but it is a scientific fact that he spells it with a K. And a Z.
And if you didn’t know this about me, you should probably also know that last week, I had planned on being our mayor’s assistant. But he actually never called me after I sent him my resume. (A resume is a list of all the offices you’ve worked at.) So my parents said I should think about other jobs.
During recess, I told Elliott that I was changing jobs. He asked me if he could be a doctor with me at my veterinarian’s office. I told him no, because I really needed a secretary.
Then his eyes nearly flew out of his head, across the room, down the stairs, and out the door. “I have always wanted to be a veterinarian secretary!” he said, even though I knew that was not a Scientific fact.
Last week, Elliott wanted to be the assistant to the assistant (me!) of the mayor and yesterday he wanted to be an assistant to a haircutter (also me)! That is because (and I am not saying this in a bragging type of way) Elliott likes to copy a lot of things I do. Wanting to have a job is just one of those things he copies. It’s okay with me because my father says Elliott’s copying is a compliment. And also because he only wants to be an assistant.
“We can practice when you come visit me!” I said. Elliott was staying at my house this weekend because his parents were going out of town.
The timing couldn’t have been more extremely or clearly perfect.
CHAPTER 2
When I got home, I was bursting out of my own skin to tell everyone my good news. That’s why instead of yelling out “I’m home!” I yelled, “I’m a veterinarian!”
I ran up the stairs, down the hall, and into my room. I had an incredible extremely plan. I was going to open my own veterinarian’s office in my bedroom. If I wanted it to be ready in time for Elliott’s visit on Friday, which was the day after tomorrow, I needed to get busy. Since I had never been to a veterinarian’s office before, I had to take some good guesses at what one would be like.
I took all my stuffed animals off my bed and put them next to each other on the floor. They were now officially sitting in the waiting room.
I didn’t know if veterinarians wore stethoscopes, but I was going to be the type of veterinarian who did. I opened my sock drawer and pulled out a pair of tights. I put them around my neck with one leg draping down each side. I tied the feet together to look like the round part at the bottom of the stethoscope.
I pushed my desk to the center of the room because that was the examining table. Then I moved one chair next to it. That’s where I would sit and take doctor notes on all the animals’ complaints. Okay, maybe the actual animals wouldn’t complain, but their owners would! I put another chair on the far side of the room where Elliott would sit as my secretary.
I pulled out some paper and drew a lot of dog bones on them, then cut them up very carefully, putting each bone picture in front of all the waiting dogs so they didn’t get hungry.
I was only going to be a dog veterinarian. Cats are too slippy . Every time I try to hug one, they always spill out of my arms. That is why I was only going to have dog patients.
I sat down and looked around. What was missing? A doctor’s coat!
I heard my parents talking in the kitchen so I knew the coast was clear. Then I ran down the hall and into their bedroom, where I took a white, button-down shirt off of one of my dad’s hangers. That would be my doctor coat. I put it on, and with the tights hanging around my neck, I looked actualy and clearly like the most professional dog veterinarian anyone has ever seen!
Back in my room, I made the official sign for the office:
I practiced listening to the dogs’ hea
rts. But after a while, it was boring .
I needed to practice on real animals. In a real veterinarian’s office. And the only way to do that was to actually work for a real veterinarian.
And that is when I had my second fantastical idea. I was going to retire from school and work for Dr. Katz! I already had a resume. I just had to think of the perfect way to get my parents to agree.
CHAPTER 3
That night at dinner, I told my parents I had a lot of news. I was going to tell them in size order. Smallest news first, biggest news last.
“I have opened a dog veterinarian’s office on the second floor. It’s for live dogs, not stuffed ones. That is really a problem because I don’t have any live dogs,” I told them during the salad part of dinner.
This was the part where they were supposed to get their own fantastical idea. My mom was supposed to say, “Well, maybe you could take some time off from school and work for Dr. Katz. What do you think, Dan?”
And my dad was supposed to answer, “I was just going to say the same thing!”
But my dad just said, “That is a problem!”
“We only have stuffed animals in this house,” I continued. My parents looked at me with twisty smiles at their mouth corners.
“Those are good observations, Frannie,” my dad said.
“I wonder if there is a kind of place that is not a zoo where there are a lot of animals. That would be a good place for me to go work at being a dog veterinarian since I actually and clearly can’t do it here. You really need live dogs if you’re going to practice being a dog veterinarian. You can’t do that at the zoo because there aren’t any dogs at the zoo. I wonder where you can do that. Do you happen to know?” I asked both my parents.
This was the part where they were supposed to suggest that I give up school and work for Dr. Katz. But they didn’t do that here, either! All they did was this:
“A place that’s not a zoo,” my dad said, scrunching his eyebrows together. “I’ll have to think on that.”
“It would have to be a place where there were doctors and animals. A place where the doctors were the doctors for the animals, but again— not a zoo. That is the exact type of place I need to work at. But, if I worked at a place like that, I probably wouldn’t have much time for school.”
“Okay, Frannie. Like I said, we’ll think on it.” Then my dad turned to my mom and said, “Did you hear that Bill and Janice are going to Italy for two weeks?”
“I did!” my mom said. “Rome ... It’s so exciting!”
Oh no! What was happening? The conversation was changing. If they didn’t think I was serious about working for Dr. Katz, they’d never let me do it! The only way to prove my seriousity was to show them how much I know about dogs.
“Did you know that dogs come in all different sizes?” I interrupted. “Even in Rome,” I added so they didn’t think I was too interrruptish.
“I did,” my dad said, helping himself to some spaghetti. “Just like people,” he added.
“Some dogs are so little, you can carry them around in your pocket and you don’t even have to walk them!”
“Is that so?” my mom asked, taking a sip of her seltzer water. It is a scientificfact that seltzer is a grown-up Version of water.
“It is so. Did you also know that there are one thousand million different types of dogs? Someone at my school has a dog that is half poodle and half a different kind of dog and it is called a Labradoodle.”
“A Labradoodle! What a funny name!” my mom said.
“Like I said, there are one thousand million different types of dogs. Labradoodle is just one of them. I certainly know a lot more types.”
“I didn’t know you were quite so informed about dogs, Frannie!” my mom said, impresstified. This was working!
“I am. I’m quite informed. Mrs. Pellington said I’m very good with animals. A natural.” I added the part about being a natural. My favorite types of dogs are Goldendoodles and Sheep Poodles.” I didn’t actually know if these were real types of dogs, but when you’re as good and natural with animals as I am, you’re probably usually right.
“I also really like Skeedaddles and Puffdoodles.”
“Wow, I’ve never heard of those types of dogs. Are you sure you’re not making these up?” my dad asked with a small twinkle in his eye that said, even if you are making these up, you seem so responsible and smart about dogs, if you happen to ask us if you can quit school to get a job as a veterinarian’s assistant, we will say yes.
I told them a little about Schnoodles and Bageegles but when my mom turned to my dad to say something else about Rome, I stood up.
Sometimes you need to stand up to make announcements.
“I am sorry to interrupt, but I have something to tell you and it’s very, extremely ... official.” My parents looked at me with their waiting faces. I was quiet for a minute and that’s when I realized I’d need to use my English accent. English accents are Very professional.
“Ahyve desoyded to ree-tiyah from school becawzz I am gowing to woohk for Dawktah Kaaatz,” I announced in my absolute, extremely professional English accent.
I waited for them to respond, but they didn’t say anything. They just sat there with very confused expressions. That’s when I realized they didn’t understand my English accent because it was too amazing! They probably needed me to repeat it without the accent.
“I have decided to retire from school because I am going to work for Dr. Katz,” I said in my regular voice.
But instead of saying “Let me call school right now and cancel!” or “That is the best and most professional idea we’ve ever heard!” my dad just covered my hand with his and said, “Frannie, you are a true original.”
“You sure are, Frannie,” my mom agreed. I learned the hard way that original means one-of-a-kind. One-of-a-kind is good if you are a person, but bad if you are wet paper. Especially when the original paper has extremely professional office words on it. And gets ruined because someone spilled something on it. Which is a for instance of something I did by accident when I was a kid one month ago.
These were not the reactions I wanted. When I opened my mouth to say more, the phone rang.
My mom hates it when people call during dinner, but I love when people call, no matter when. That’s because when I answer the phone, my parents let me say, “Miller residence, this is Frannie. How may I direct your call?” Because that’s how I’ve heard office people answer. But I was not allowed to pick up the phone during dinner.
The phone stopped ringing for a few seconds and then it rang again. Then it stopped and started again one more time and my parents gave each other emergency looks.
When someone keeps calling, it usually means something is wrong!
CHAPTER 4
When the person called back a third time, my dad rushed out of his seat and picked up the phone. We could only hear his end of the conversation and it went like this:
“Oh no! That’s terrible. What happened? Uh-huh, uh-huh, you’re kidding! Of course! Really? That’s so exciting! Don’t be silly. We’d be happy to do it. Oh, she’ll love that!”
My mom and I looked at each other. How can something be terrible and exciting at the same time?
“Okay, will do. We’ll see you soon,” my dad said.
When my dad sat back down, he looked upset.
“What is it, Dan?”
“Magoo broke her leg.” Magoo is my dad’s sister, which makes her my aunt. Her real name is Margot, but instead of saying that name when I was a baby, I said “Magoo.” So it stuck.
“How?”
My dad looked right at me when he said the answer.
“She tripped over her dog!”
I could not believe my own eardrums! In a million, trillion years I would never trip over my dog. And that is not an opinion.
“So, what’s the exciting part?” asked my mom.
This question really excitified my father. “A fancy New York toy store owner wants to
look at Magoo’s sock dolls. She’s thinking of ordering a whole bunch of them!”
Magoo makes dolls out of socks. They are really cute and funny with buttons for eyes and yarn for hair. They are called sock dolls because they’re made from socks stuffed with cotton. Some are plaid and polka-dotted. Some are striped. And others have lots of curly lines on them. I am really lucky because I have three. I can even make one myself. Magoo showed me how.
“But since she broke her leg she needs our help getting ready for the meeting.”
That was when I remembered a really important scientific fact.
“But she’s all the way in Massachusetts!” I told my father. “Which is really far from Chester.”
“We’ll have a road trip!” he said.
“But, Elliott!” I said before getting the terrible disappointment drop in my belly. “Will he be able to come with us?”
“He’s more than welcome,” my mom said. That brought a big smile to my face, but I was sad we wouldn’t get to use the practice veterinarian’s office right away. “Let me call his parents and run it by them,” she said, getting out of her seat.
“I left out the best for last,” my dad said.
I looked up.
“Magoo has a job for you and it has to do with her pets! I’ll let her tell you herself, but it sure sounded like the perfect job for a budding veterinarian!”
I was so excitified, my brains almost fell into my spaghetti. I was going to show my parents that I was ready to work for Dr. Katz and quit school. I was going to show them by being really good with Bark, Magoo’s dog. Magoo also had three slippy cats—Hester, Esther, and Lester—but I’d let Elliott watch them because I was only a dog veterinarian. And that was my third fantastical idea in exactly one full day.