The Bible, the Old Testament

by Spike Milligan

  11. Many burnt their bank statements. And Moses said unto the people, “Fear not, for the Egyptians whom ye have seen today, ye shall see them again no more for ever.”

  “Pardon???” said the children of Israel.

  “Watch this,” said Moses and, using an east wind, he held his hand over the sea and, lo, the seas divided and the children of Israel escaped along the bottom.

  “What did I tell you?” said Moses.

  “Oh wow,” said the children of Israel.

  But the Egyptians pursued them and Pharaoh shouted, “Charge!”

  And the Israelites were sore afraid, they did not like being charged for anything and they cried out to the Lord, “Can’t we settle out of court?”

  12. And it came to pass that in the morning the Lord was on a pillar of fire and cloud, and when it cleared, he saw the Egyptians close upon the children of Israel.

  And the Lord said unto Moses, “Stretch out thine hand over the sea.”

  But Moses was sore afraid, “Will it work a second time?” And, lo, it did. The waters returned, marked not known here, and drowneth the Egyptian Army and its chariots. Thus the Lord had saved Israel, who saw the Egyptians dead on the seashore. “Oi vay,” said Moses, “this will ruin the holiday trade.”

  13. And the children of Israel journeyed into the desert, praising the Lord. And the Lord went before them in a pillar of smoke whence cometh coughing. And Moses built an altar to the Lord. And the Lord said, “Wherefore in the desert did ye find to build with?”

  “It’s Lego,” said Moses.

  But woe a hunger came up the children of Israel and they cried out, “All the chicken livers have gone – and so unto the gefilte fish.”

  Moses said, “Lord, help or they will be stoned.”

  The Lord said, “It won’t be the first time you’ve been stoned.” And the Lord promised he would rain bread from heaven.

  “Will it stay fresh that long?” said Moses. And in the morning there lay a small round thing. Moses said, “Behold, this is the bread the Lord hath given.”

  “That won’t go far,” said the children of Israel.

  “Wait,” said Moses, “that’s only for starters.”

  14. As he spoke bread in bounty fell, striking Moses a glancing blow and injuring many. And they gathered bread, two omers for one man or one man for two omers; an omer is a tenth part of an ephah so those who had ephahs did well. Moses said, “Thank you, Lord God, for the omers and ephahs; just tell us what it means.”

  15. Then cometh a drought with hosepipe bans in Kent. “Lord, we dieth of thirst,” said Moses.

  “First it’s bread, now it’s water,” said the Lord, “what next?”

  “Money,” said Moses.

  The Lord was wrath as he liketh not Jewish humour.

  And he told Moses, “Take a stick and take it to yon rock, smite it.” Moses took the stick, smote the rock and water squirteth out and the Israelites came to drink of it, and the Lord said, “Drink ye not until thou hast boiled it.” But many heareth not and, woe, there were squirters in the land.

  16. The Lord said: when the trumpet soundeth, all will come to the mountain. It came to pass, in the morning there was thunder and lightning, there was cloud, the forecast was for rain and the trumpet soundeth exceedingly loud. Many people complained and shouteth, “Stop that bloody row.”

  Moses spake and God answered in a different voice, “A gottle of gear, a gottle gear.”

  And Mount Sinai was on a smoke, because the Lord’ descended upon it in fire and smoke and the whole mountain quaked, and the children of Israel cried out, “We are not insured against such things.”

  Then the Lord said, “Now hear this. Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not commit adultery.”

  “It’s a bit late for that. Lord,” said Moses. Then a flash of lightning and the Lord said, “Thou shalt not steal.”

  Oh dear, thought Moses, there goes the business.

  Then the Lord, speaking through an anvil-topped nimbus, said, “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.”

  “But,” said Moses, “their bloody dog barks all night.”

  Then there came around the Lord a burst of fire, and the children of Israel could hear Him trying to put it out. In between first-degree burns the Lord said, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife.”

  A great groan went up from the men of the Israelites.

  And God spoke from a cloud of steam and He shed-deth six pounds. “Ye will not make gods of silver nor make gods of gold.”

  The children of Israel thanked the Lord, knowing the family cutlery and jewellery were safe.

  The Lord went on: “If thou wilt make me an altar of stone, be it not hewn stone: for if thou lift up thy tool upon it, thou hast polluted it.”

  Never hence did Moses lift his tool upon it and they blessed him. It had been a close thing.

  CHAPTER V

  The glory of the Lord abode on Mount Sinai, which was Church property with a good lease. And the Lord called Moses from the midst of His latest cloud and Moses went into the midst of the cloud. “Moses where art thou?” said the Lord.

  “Mainly lost,” said Moses.

  Moses was on the Mount forty days and forty nights, trying to find his way out.

  The Lord charged Moses to make an ark: “Thou shalt make bars of shittim wood, five for the boards of one side of the tabernacle, five bars for the boards of the other side of the tabernacle and five bars for the off side of the tabernacle, for the two sides westwards. And the middle bar in the midst of the boards shalt reach from end to end, and thou shalt overlay the boards with gold.”

  “Not so fast, Lord,” said Moses, who was taking it down.

  2. “Make thou rings of gold,” continued the Lord, “then there will be bars and thou shalt overlay the bars with gold. Thou shalt rear up the tabernacle according to the fashion thereof, and thou shalt make a veil of blue and purple and scarlet fine twined linen, of cunning work with cherubims shalt it be made, and then four pillars of shittim wood. The hooks shall be of gold on four sockets of silver and thou shalt hang up the veil under the taches.”

  “It’s no good, God,” said Moses, “we’ll have to get a builder.”

  In time, allowing for labour problems, an ark and tabernacle was made; it shone with gold and silver and the insurance on it was great.

  3. The children of Israel carrieth the tabernacle to the appointed place, but it weighed mightily and, woe, there were ruptures and hernias. “Moses,” said the Lord from behind a rock, “thou shalt kill a ram, take his blood, put it on the tip of the right ear of your brother Aaron, then on the tips of the right ears of his sons, then upon the thumbs of the right hands, then upon the great toes of their right feet, then sprinkle on the knees.”

  “Isn’t this a bit silly, Lord?” said Moses.

  The Lord went on and on, “Take the blood and sprinkle on Aaron and his garments.”

  “Those stains will never come out, Lord,” said Moses.

  “Behold, I send an angel before thee. Provoke him not as he is a black belt and thou shalt make an altar of shittim wood and staves of shittim wood thou will make and overlay them with gold.”

  “Wouldn’t you rather see the natural wood?” said Moses and, lo, Moses and DIY made an altar of shittim wood.

  4. When the people saw that Moses delayed to come down from the mountain, they said, “This man who brought us from Egypt, what has become of him?”

  And Aaron said, “He’s become a ‘schlepper’.”*

  ≡ A lackey.

  When Moses was gone the children of Israel fashioned a calf of gold.

  And the Lord was wrath with them and from behind a fresh rock said, “See the children of Israel, they are a stiff-necked people.”

  “That’s through sleeping in draughts,” said Moses.

  5. And it came to pass, as Moses drew nigh unto the camp there he saw the golden calf and he saw nude dancing. Moses’ anger waxed hot: about a hundred and ten deg
rees Fahrenheit. And he took the calf of gold, ground it to dust, poured it into the water and made the children of Israel drink it, thus increasing their value. And Moses saw the children of Israel were naked and of some of the men he was jealous.

  “Who is on the Lord’s side?”

  “Never mind his side,” said the Israelites; “get him off our back.”

  Moses said whosoever will obey the Lord come across. Sons of Levi came across. “It was time they came across,” said Moses. “Take up thy sword, go, and any man that hath danced naked before the golden calf, smite his parts from the land even if he is begatting.”

  “We will do thy bidding,” said the Levis, “but it’s not going to look good in the papers.” In the morning there came great wailing from the women as there was no insurance for smiting of parts.

  6. Tuesday, early closing in Catford. And the Lord spoke to Moses face to face: a nasty shock for both of them.

  7. “Observe,” said the Lord, “I will drive out before thee the Amorites, the Canaanites and the Hittites.”

  “There’s no need to drive them out, let the bastards walk.”

  And the Lord blessed Moses from a raincloud. “Thrice in a year shall all your men appear before the God of Israel.”

  “Any special dates?” said Moses.

  “Yes,” said the Lord, “any special dates.” And He blessed Moses from a thundercloud and got soaked to the skin.

  And the Lord called Moses unto the mountain, and Moses trembled because the walk to the top of the mountain shaggeth him out. He was with the Lord forty days and forty nights, he ate not bread and drank not water, and he loseth weight and, lo, his trousers falleth down. The Lord liked not what he saw. “Tis a small thing, but mine own,” said Moses.

  8. And when Moses came down from the mountain the people saw that his face shone with a bright light and the people did hide their eyes, so Moses put a veil over his face and walketh into a brick wall. Whenever he speaketh to the Lord he taketh off the veil, and when he came back to the people, he putteth the veil back on and straightaway walked into a brick wall again. Then he placed the tabernacle in a tent of goat skin; on hot days it was unbearable, and Moses hideth his nose until it passeth. And by the door of the tabernacle he placeth a burnt offering of meat and two veg.

  The Lord put a great cloud over the tabernacle and Moses falleth over it.

  9. And the Lord called for a burnt offering be it of fowls, pigeons or turtledoves, ‘Wring off their heads’.

  “Look, Lord, you’re asking for trouble with the RSPCA and vegetarians.”

  But the Lord feareth not as his solicitor was David Napley. The Lord spoke from behind a blancmange, “Sprinkle thou the blood on the altar cloth.”

  Moses groaned, “Lord, you’ll never get the stains out.”

  “The blood of the sacrifice,” went on the Lord: “thou shall dip thy finger in and touch four corners of the altar.”

  “You still into all that?” said Moses.

  And the Lord called the Israelites, “Now hear this, then thou shall eat.”

  “Lord, we’re all in the middle of lunch,” said Moses.

  The Lord heareth and said, “Of these ye may eat the locust, the bald locust, the beetle, and the grasshopper.”

  “Lord, we’ll bloody well starve,” said Moses.

  10. In time the Lord said unto the Israelites, “When ye come unto the land of Canaan I will put a plague on a house of your possession.”

  And Moses was cast down because it would lower the resale value.

  The Lord spoke again, this time from out of a flour sack, “If the plague continues, a priest will break down the house, all the stones and shittim wood be taken to a dump.”

  Moses was cast down and said, “Are you sure you’re not Jeremy Beadle?” But when they came into Canaan there was no plague in the house and Moses taketh down the ‘For Sale’ sign and remortgaged in his wife’s name.

  11. The Lord spake unto Aaron [it was Moses’ day off], “When any man hath a running issue out of him he is unclean.” Aaron knew it was the dysentery.

  “Everywhere he sitteth shall be unclean.”

  “Yea – stains,” said Aaron.

  The Lord went on: “He that sitteth on anything he sitteth on shall be unclean and wash his clothes.”

  “Water won’t get it out,” sayeth Aaron, who himself was suffering; his family slept with all the windows open.

  12. The Lord spoke more, “And if any man’s seed of copulation go out of him he shall be unclean until the even.”

  “Fear not, Lord, genetic fingerprinting will find him,” said Aaron.

  And the Lord blessed Aaron and his DNA. “Thus,” said the Lord, “separate the children of Israel from their uncleanness, that they die not in their uncleanness.”

  And Aaron promised he would have a bath before he died.

  And the Lord sayeth unto Aaron, “Come into the holy place. Put on this holy vest and this linen coat, now these silken breeches, girdle thyself with linen, wear this hat.”

  Aaron did the Lord’s bidding and looked a real nana and he crieth out, “Does anyone knowest a good tailor?”

  And the Lord bade Aaron, “Go unto my altar. Put incense on the fire.”

  Aaron did so, a great cloud of incense covered the altar, in it Aaron could hear the Lord coughing.

  13. The Lord spake unto Moses [he was back from lunch]: “Tell the children of Israel I am the Lord God.”

  And Moses turned to them and said, “He is the Lord God.”

  The Lord said, “None of you shall approach any kin to uncover their nakedness. I am the Lord. The nakedness of thy father or mother thou shalt not uncover. I am the Lord. The nakedness of thy sister thou shalt not uncover. I am the Lord. Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of thy father’s sister. I am the Lord.”

  “He keeps saying that,” said Moses.

  And the Lord goeth on about nakedness, giving the children of Israel a good hour’s listening. “Listen,” said the Lord.

  “Here He comes again,” said Moses.

  “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind.”

  And a great wail went up from the gay Israelites.

  “Neither shalt any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion, it’s also dangerous.”

  14. The Lord spoke from behind a waterfall and got soaked: “Whoever giveth his seed to Molech I will cut off! If people hide their eyes when he giveth his seed to Molech I will kill not, I will set my face against those who commit whoredom with Molech.”

  “Lord,” said Moses, “I know not who Molech is, but he seems to be having all the fun.”

  15. At one time Moses was bored of the day, and asked, “Lord, you want anyone stoned today?”

  The Lord said, “Ye shall inherit the land.”

  And Moses praised the Lord for he already had outline planning permission.

  And the Lord spoke, “Thou shall sanctify me, therefore I offer thee bread.”

  “Any butter?” said Moses.

  16. “They shall not make baldness upon their head.” Moses pleaded for the balds but the Lord said, “Nay, for on moonlit nights they shineth and give our position away.”

  17. “Neither shall thou shave off the corners of your beard.”

  “No, no. Lord,” beseeched Moses, “never cut corners.”

  The Lord quieted Moses with a bolt of thunder: “And ye shall take a wife in her virginity.”

  “That’ll take a lot of finding,” said Moses.

  “A widow, a divorced woman, a profane woman or a harlot, this he will not take.”

  “You’re a bit late with that,” said Moses.

  “Speak unto Aaron, saying, whoever hath a blemish, he will offer not the bread of his Lord.”

  Moses was cast down for he knew Aaron and his sons had acne and boils.

  “No bread shalt go to he who has anything superfluous.”

  Moses wept, for the way things were his was superfluous.

 
18A. “If a man hath a running issue he shalt eat not of holy things.”

  Moses searched the camp, but saw no men running around with an issue.

  The Lord worked in mysterious ways and that was another one of them.

  “That which dieth shall not eat of my bread.”

  Moses wondered did he hear right.

  “Any man torn with beasts shall not eat the bread.”

  Moses searched the camp looking for those torn by wild beasts, there were none save one bitten by doggie. The Lord spoke from behind a mound of potatoes. He said, “No bread wilt thou give to offer to a blind man, a lame man, brokenfooted, brokenhanded, or he that hath a flat nose, a crookback, or scurvy or hath scabs or dwarf, with a wen.”

  18B. “Lord, that’s just about all of us,” sayeth Moses.

  The Lord said, “Yea, and the Israelites will only eat holy things.”

  “Lord,” said Moses, “I’ve tried seven supermarkets and they don’t have any: what’s wrong with haddock?”

  “I give up,” said the Lord. “What’s wrong with haddock?”

  Moses bit his lip and clenched his fist.

  “What ails my son?” said the Lord.

  “I’m pissed off,” said Moses.

  From behind a gasometer the Lord blessed Moses, and Moses bent low before the Lord; it got him in the back. With no holy things to eat the Israelites waxed angry. The Lord relented, but just to be on the safe side He sent an angel down and He speaketh through him like a ventriloquist. “Take thou a bullock that hath anything lacking in his parts.”

  And Moses took the bullock, but none of his parts were missing. No, the bullock had bountiful parts. The angel said, “Take thee the bullock and put him seven days under the dam.” And it came to pass, it drowned.

  The Lord changed tack. “Ahem! Take thou a ram with nothing superfluous.”

  “The ram has a superfluous,” said Moses. “But it’s all his.”

  18C. “Use that for afters,” said the Lord. And they cooketh the ram, a burnt offering, some parts worse than others; twice Moses tried to offer it up to the Lord, but he couldn’t reach. The angel of the Lord came down and took up a plate.