The Bible, the Old Testament

by Spike Milligan

  CHAPTER XI

  And there came a man, Elkanah; to his wives and children, he gave portions. To his wife Hannah who had no children he gave a worthy portion, about one pound three ounces. What the portions were the Bible doesn’t say. But Hannah was low because the Lord God shut up her womb. And Hannah spoke in her heart; only her lips moved, and Eli [who he?] said unto her, “How long wilt thou be drunken?”

  And Hannah said, “I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink like Vodka or Jack Daniels to God. I have poured out my soul, that and a cup of Twinings’ Earl Grey.” That night, Elkanah, Hannah’s husband, knew* his wife, and she beareth a son, Samuel – who would one day refuse to pick up his musket.

  ≡ Had it away with.

  And Hannah rejoiceth; she prayed. “Lord, mine horn is exalted; I shall play it at parties; neither is there any rock like our Lord, rock on then.”

  2. Hannah spoke to Eli; it was forty-four pence a minute. “The Lord killeth, and maketh alive: He bringeth down to the grave and bringeth them up.”

  “Why does he want to bring them up again, aren’t they dead enough?”

  Hannah went on. “He raiseth up the poor from the dust, and lifteth the beggar from the dunghill, and set them among the princes.”

  “God,” said Eli, “what about the smell, Andrew, for one, wouldn’t like?”

  Hannah sayeth, “He will keep the feet of his saints.”

  “They won’t get far,” said Eli.

  Hannah sayeth, “The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces.”

  “There’s Super Glue,” said Eli.

  3. A priest’s custom, when any man offered dinner, the priest’s servant came, while the flesh was cooking, with a fleshhook of three teeth in his hand [eh?]. He struck it into a pan, or kettle, or cauldron, or pot; all that the fleshhook brought up the priest took for him self. It was a half-pound steak from Tesco’s and cost £3.

  All in one you have a cleric and a greedy bugger.

  And Eli blessed Elkanah and his wife, and said, “The Lord give thee seed of this woman for the loan which is lent to the Lord at the bank rate of eleven per cent with interest.”

  4. Then the Lord visited Hannah. She conceived three sons and two daughters.

  5. Eli was very old on a zimmer, blessed by the Lord, but alas all night his two sons lay with two women on the steps of the tabernacle. Police arrested them for indecent exposure. At the trial they were sentenced to six months. The Judge sayeth, “Have thee anything to say?” And the sons answered, “Ye will never stop fucking in Israel.”

  The Jewish Chronicle said: “Fornication on altar steps shock horror.” And Eli was cast down and said to his family, “If one man sin against another, man will judge him, but if a man sin against God, what then?”

  “He’ll need a criminal lawyer and a bank loan,” said his family.

  6. There came a man from God unto Eli and said, “Telemessage. Did I not appear in thy home when you were in Egypt?”

  “Yes,” sayeth Eli, “it was in the lounge; you had a sherry.”

  The man of the Lord sayeth, “Did I give unto thine house offerings made by fire?”

  “Well,” said Eli, “actually, you burnt the kitchen down.”

  The man of the Lord said, “They that despise me shall be lightly esteemed – just lightly.”

  Then bad news for Eli. “Behold, the days come that I will cut off thine arm.”

  “Are you a surgeon touting for work?” said Eli.

  The man of God said, “The Lord sayeth, ‘I will build for him a sure house.’”

  “Can you make it four bedrooms with a granny annexe,” sayeth Eli, “and can it be freehold?”

  Said the man of the Lord, “There will come a time in thine house you will crouch to the Lord for a piece of silver and bread.”

  “Can we have the silver first?” sayeth Eli.

  7. The child Samuel ministered unto the Lord before Eli. Samuel just got in first, the word of the Lord was precious in those days; there was no open vision, and there was no remote control, due to appalling lack of accommodation. Samuel slept on the temple steps and was covered in footprints. The Lord called Samuel, and he ran to Eli and said, “I say, I say, I say, thou callest me.”

  Eli said, “No, go back to sleep.”

  8. So he goeth, then the Lord called again, and He runneth to Eli and said, “I say, I say, I say, thou callest me.”

  And Eli sayeth, “No, go back to sleep.”

  So he goeth back, and the Lord called again, and Samuel runneth to Eli and said, “I say, I say, I say, thou callest me.”

  And Eli said, “No, go back to sleep.”

  And he goeth then. To keep the routine going, the Lord called Samuel again and Samuel runneth to Eli, “I say, I say, I say, thou callest me,” said Samuel.

  But Eli twigged it was the Lord calling, and said to Samuel, “If He calleth again answer, ‘Speak, Lord’.”

  So back to sleep, and the Lord called on an extension, “Samuel, Samuel.”

  And Samuel sayeth, “I say, I say, I say, speak, Lord.”

  The Lord said unto Samuel, “Behold, I will do a thing in Israel, at which both the ears of everyone that hear of it shall tingle.”

  And, lo, the doctors of Israel were overwhelmed by people with tingling ears. And so Samuel was to be a prophet. “I say, I say, I say, I’m going to be a prophet.”

  And the word of Samuel came to all Israel, the word was Spazolikon.

  9. Woe, the Israelites went to war with the Philistines, and the Philistines slaughtered the Israelites 7-0 and won the ark of the covenant. And when the supporters saw the score, a great wail went up, “ARGGGGGH.”

  Eli heard the terrible ARGGGGGH and a supporter told him that the Israelites had lost and at that Eli fell backwards off his seat and his neck broke and he died.

  The ark of the Lord now belonged to the Philistines.

  And there were football riots, those that died now were smitten with haemorrhoids and screamed when they sitteth down. And Samuel judged Israel; he went on the circuit to Bethel, Gilgal and Mizpeh and judged in all those places.

  10. His sentences went from a fine for swinging a cat in confined places to six months for doing it on the temple steps. When Samuel was old he set up his sons.

  In a blaze of nepotism he made them judges, but, woe, his sons walketh not in his ways; going for lucre, they took bribes. And the Lord spoke from a pillar of cloud on His new intercom: “Did I not bring the Israelites out of Egypt, etc. Did I not get them across the Red Sea etc.?”

  “Yes Lord etc.,” said Samuel. “We know you did that for them, but what have you done for them lately?”

  The Lord answered not but drew away on His pillar of cloud, then through His loud-hailer said, “The people are calling for a king listen to them etc.”

  So Samuel said unto the people of Israel, “Go ye every man unto his city,” and, lo, there be sixty-mile tailbacks of asses. The Lord and His pillar of cloud were hemmed in.

  11. And there cometh a man called Saul, the Lord’s choice in the coming election. Samuel took in Saul and said to the cook, “Serve thou him.” And the cook took up the shoulder of lamb, and that which was upon it fried onions and chips – and set it before Saul. “Mint sauce?” said Samuel.

  So did Saul eat with Samuel, the whole meal with VAT came to twelve pounds, fifty pence, service not included. And when they came down from the high place [they dined in a tree], Samuel communed with Saul up a ladder upon the top of the house. And they arose early and dropped off.

  Samuel called Saul up the ladder again and Saul sayeth, “Not bloody likely.”

  Then Samuel took a vial of oil and poured it upon his head and kissed him. “Oh, kinky eh?” said Saul.

  12. Meantime, Saul’s father’s asses had gone missing.

  He putteth an entry in the Jewish Chronicle: small ads with a small reward of one shekel per donkey. And, lo, they brought back more than he had lost and had to pawn the fish knives. And the Lor
d spoke from inside a pay phone, “Your father’s asses hath been found,” and He sayeth, “What shall I do for my son.”

  “Tell him,” said Saul, “the first thing is to help me get this oil off.”

  The Lord telleth the father. “Your son is well oiled.” And the father sayeth, “Pissed is he? Wait till he comes home.” And then the Lord’s money runneth out.

  13. Samuel sayeth unto Saul, “Go thou to Tabor; there you will meet three men going up to God, one carrying three kids, one carrying three loaves of bread, one carrying a bottle of wine; it’s Harrods’ delivery serv ice.”

  Saul and his oil caught up with Harrods’ delivery men; one gave him two loaves of bread. Saul said, “These are white; have you any wholemeal?” Then the Bible says, ‘God gave him [Saul] another heart’, yet there is no previous incidence of heart trouble. The Bible goes on to say, ‘and all those signs came to pass that day’; these must have been palpitations, dizziness and double vision. The chances are it was done on BUPA. Apparently, with the operation went the position of king. Samuel called the children of Israel to him and gave an inauguration talk: “The Lord took you out of Egypt [Groans], He getteth you through the Red Sea [Groans].”

  14. “We know all about that,” said the children of Israel and Samuel fireth his speechwriter. And he was fearful of the mob and hid.

  Samuel sayeth, “This is no way to treat your king.”

  And they sayeth, “Where is he?”

  And the Lord said, “He hath hidden himself behind the stuff.”

  A sniffer dog found it. And Saul came forth and they saw that, thanks to platform shoes, he was taller than they and sang, “God save our gracious king, long live our noble king. God save our king.” And in graffiti they wrote, “Have a ball with Saul. Walk tall with Saul. Saul has a vision to keep us in the first division.”

  15. Samuel told the people the manner of the king dom and wrote it in a book due for publication by Michael Joseph this autumn, Israel On A Pound A Day. It came to pass, Nahash the Ammonite came up to Jabesh. All the men of Jabesh said, “Make a covenant with us.”

  He said, [wait for it], “Only if I can thrust out all your right eyes.”

  And they said, “You must be joking.”

  And in the land the race of Israel calleth out for a leader like Moses, and they wept. And, behold, Saul came after the herd out of the field; and he had been treading in it. When they heard, the children of Israel cried – he was angry, the oil on his head started to bubble, he took a yoke of oxen and, using an MFI chainsaw, cut them into pieces.

  “Feeling better?” said Samuel. “Here, have one of these,” he said, passing him a Valium-soaked bagel.

  16. Among the crowd was Nahash and his second-division Ammonites, shouting insults. “Saul eats shell fish and bacon.”

  Lo, Saul’s blood pressure goeth up to 160/100. On the morrow, Israelis in their first-division shirts attack-eth the Ammonites and they scattered ‘till none was left and they goeth not into extra time.

  17. Saul said, “I will speak with you, therefore stand still.”

  And the Israelites said, “It’s all right Saul, we can hear when we’re moving about.”

  Then Samuel called unto the Lord, and the Lord sent thunder and rain and play at Lord’s was stopped. “Putteth the covers on,” sayeth the Lord.

  Saul counteth the children of Israel: there were three-hundred thousand women and thirty thousand men. “Verily, the computer-dating service worketh not,” said Saul.

  And Samuel spoke to all Israel – the talk was repeated that night. “When Jacob came into Egypt, your fathers cried unto the Lord, we hardly got any sleep, and the Lord God brought you out of Egypt.”

  The Israelites groaned.

  18. And it came to pass, that the Philistines declareth war and advanced. When the men of Israel saw them, verily, then battle goeth, they hideth themselves in caves, in thickets, in rocks, in high places, in cupboards, under floorboards, behind trees, under beds, in cellars, in sheds, in stables, in toilets, in drainpipes, under blankets, down coalholes, in attics, behind mothers-in-law.

  19. From his new CD Saul blew the trumpet throughout Israel; it was to tell them of the victory of Jonathan, his son, and him against the Philistines who had been sorely smote.

  And Saul said, “Bring hither a peace burnt offering.”

  And he offered the burnt offering, and as there were no takers he ate the burnt offering; it was a three-course burnt offering, finishing with rice pudding and jam.

  Then Samuel arrived by fast zimmer and he said to Saul, “What hast thou done?”

  “I hast not done anything,” said Saul. “Why, can you smell something?”

  Samuel said, “Did thou smite the Philistines?”

  “Yea,” said Saul, “they are one mass of smites.”

  20. Samuel and Saul called on the Lord for the vic tory, but He had gone out for a spin in His pillar of cloud. And, woe, the Philistines were gathering to strike again and they camped at Michmash, a suburb of Israel with low-price housing and a neighbourhood watch. Now there crept up on the Philistines, Saul’s son Jonathan, and the Philistines spotted Jonathan: “Come up, we will show thee a thing.”

  But before the Philistine could show his thing, Jonathan smote, slew and slaughtered them and the Philistines were sore afraid, their trousers were full of it, but, thanks to dry cleaning, the Philistines attacked again.

  21. And the Lord spoke to Saul: “Attack thou all the uncircumcised ones.”

  “But, Lord,” sayeth Saul, “that meanest we’ll have to keep looking up their trouser legs.” The Lord driveth away on a diesel-powered pillar of cloud and, lo, the uncircumcised Philistines fled, clutching their willies. And Saul said, “Let us go after the Philistines by night and spoil them [eh?].” So they did and by dawn most of the Philistines had been spoilt [eh?]. And the Lord spoke from a bolt of lightning with singed eyebrows. He was well pleased for now the uncircumcised ones of the Philistines were queuing up for the operation.

  22. And the war against the Philistines was all the days of Saul. When Saul saw any strong man or valiant man, he took him into him, and there was gossip. The Lord spoke to Samuel: “Saul hath not kept my commandments.”

  It grieved Samuel, he cried unto the Lord all night. But He heareth him not, thanks to double glazing. Samuel said to Saul, “What meaneth this bleating of sheep and lowing of oxen in my ears?”

  Saul said, “It means you can hear sheep and oxen. They are being saved for steak and kidney pie with a side salad for the Lord.”

  “Is it a burnt offering?” said Samuel.

  “No,” said Saul, “just grilled.”

  The Lord was wrath for He liketh not steak and kidney pie, but chicken livers and blintzes, and He striketh the steak and kidney pie with lightning and rain to fall on the side salad.

  23. Now it came to pass, that Samuel had captured king Agag and said to him, “As thy sword hath made women childless, so shall thy mother be childless.” And Samuel hewed Agag in pieces before the Lord. [Actually, it was murder, but in the Bible you got away with it.] And Samuel thanked the Lord for not turning him in.

  24. Samuel never went to Saul any more, mainly because he was dead. The Lord said unto Samuel, “How long wilt thou mourn for Saul?”

  And Samuel said, “About twenty minutes a day for a week.”

  And, lo, again the Philistines sought battle, among them Goliath who stood six cubits and a span. When he had to think his brain hurt, and he calleth to the Israelites, “Der-I challenge-der-anybody to-der-fight me.” Having to speak so many words tired him and he had to sit down.

  Then, from out of the Israelite Army, stepped a young Israelite with three ‘O’ and six ‘A’ levels named David. “I will fight thee,” he challenged Goliath.

  25. And the Philistines said to David, “Come to me, and I will give thy flesh unto the fowls of the air, and to the beasts of the field.”

  And David said, “Sticks and stones can hurt my bones but bad words
never hurt me.”

  The bookies gave 100-1 David, and Goliath 7-to-4 on. The great oaf of a giant drew his sword and swished it round his head, slicing his ear off. “Oh,” he said, “I can’t hear so good.”

  David took up his sling, put a rock in it and hurled it at Goliath. It struck him between his eyes, he reeled backward, he reeled forward, he reeled upright, then crashed to the ground.

  David rushed forward, drew Goliath’s sword and struck off his head.

  “Now, come home, son,” said David’s mother. “I’ve got some nice chicken livers for your supper.”

  And women came out of the city, dancing and playing top ten Israelite hits, and they danced around David. Saul, who was not as dead as we thought – ‘Saul still alive’ says Jewish Chronicle – was jealous for whereas he had killed thousands, David had only killed one.

  26. Saul was wrath, he swingeth the cat round and round his head and let it fly out the window. An evil spirit like Jeyes Fluid came upon Saul; he prophesied in the middle of the house, all over the carpet, his mother made him clean it up. David played with his hand as at other times [eh?]. And then, [get this], Saul removed him from him; and he went out and came in before the people?!? Now Michal, Saul’s daughter, loved David, therefore Saul said, “Thou shalt this day be my son-in-law, but you’ll have to stop carrying that giant’s head around. I want not a dowry, instead I want a hundred foreskins of the Philistines.”

  David arose, went and slew two hundred Philistines and David brought their foreskins and counted them out in front of Saul.

  Saul said, “There be twice the amount I wanted.”

  “Use them as spares,” said David.

  27. So Saul gave David Michal to wife. And on their wedding night there was Jewish foreplay: twenty minutes’ begging and a blank cheque.

  It came to pass that Saul, after he cashed the cheque, swore to kill David, but Michal let David down through a window into a water butt. Then, using a bolster and goats’ hair, she made a dummy in David’s bed. Saul burst in the room, but Michal cleaned it up. Then Saul, with a cry of ‘Die David’, stuck his sword into the bolster, but no blood cometh out. “He bleedeth not,” said Saul.