Beyond Addiction

by Desiree Holt

  “A glass of wine?”

  “Y-yes. Please.”

  He turned to the bartender and ordered their drinks. Fallon was vaguely aware that Claire had blended back into the crowd.

  “How about if we wander over to that shady spot under the trees, away from the mob scene?” Without waiting for her answer, Cord placed his hand at her elbow and steered her in that direction.

  In the sheltering canopy of ancient oak trees, the sounds of the crowd faded, giving the illusion it was just the two of them. Fallon took a fortifying sip of wine, searching for something to say. It just felt so right, being with him, but she had so much to atone for. So much to say to convince him of her feelings. More than anything, she wanted to throw herself in his arms and beg forgiveness but despite Claire’s assurances, she was still uncertain of his feelings.

  As if reading her thoughts, he cupped her cheek with his free hand, fingers warm on her skin. “I’ve missed you every single day, Fallon. Every minute of every day and night.”

  She searched his eyes as if seeking an answer. When she saw the hunger, the need, the heat, the butterflies in her stomach settled even more.

  “I-I’m so very sorry for what I did.” He shook his head but she needed to get it out. “No, let me say this. Ted Widener has made me see a lot of things about myself. Helped me to understand why I couldn’t break free of Brian, despite what you and I had.” She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “But that’s all past, Cord. Every bit of it.”

  “Hush. I know that. I’ve been keeping up with your progress, remember?” He rubbed his thumb over her bottom lip.

  Heat sizzled through her, a flutter of happiness following. It was still there! The connection! The feeling she’d only ever felt with Cord. Did he feel it too? Was that what the look in his eyes was?

  “I…” She wet her lips, unable to get out the words she wanted.

  “You don’t have to say anything right now, girl.”

  It thrilled her to hear him use that form of address. “I just want you to know—I want to be with you, Sir.” There. She’d gotten it out.

  He was so close to her now that she could feel the soft breeze of his breath on her cheek.

  “I will always be your Sir. We’ll take this as slow as you need to, but be assured I’m not going anywhere.” He touched her lip again, then took a step back. “How about if we do a little socializing? As much or as little as you want. Then we go from there.”

  “I-I’d like that.”

  “Another glass of wine?”

  She shook her head. She didn’t want to drink too much today and she already had a little buzz going just from anticipation. She desperately needed Cord’s complete acceptance and desire and she didn’t want to do anything to screw it up. Instead, when Cord asked for a refill for himself, she ordered a soft drink.

  They were standing to the side again, sipping their drinks, when the arrival of two people caught her eye and her stomach instantly knotted.

  Tall and imposing in his perfectly tailored Western clothes, Brian Willoughby was moving through the crowd, stopping occasionally to speak to someone. She knew there were people who would always be afraid to ignore him. But she also noted that neither of the Emersons greeted him.

  What really captured her attention, however, was the woman walking behind him, a thin wraith of a female with a total attitude of subservience. She stood behind Brian when he chatted with someone, never saying a word, never moving until he told her to.

  Was this someone new who had taken her place? Someone he’d thoroughly broken down in barely more than a few months?

  Impossible. This woman had been completely drained of life. That couldn’t have happened so quickly. Could it?

  Cord’s arm circled her protectively and he put his mouth close to her ear.

  “Look at me and smile, girl. Don’t acknowledge him or react to what I’m going to tell you.”

  “What—”

  “Jack said he’d had a sub living with him for six months before you… went to his house that day. Apparently he planned to keep you both.”

  Nausea crawled up into her throat. “Both of us?”

  “Polyamorous households are a small part of the lifestyle, but usually it’s all consensual. She doesn’t look to me like she has any will left to consent or not.”

  Fallon turned her head into his shoulder. “That could be me there with him.”

  “No. Not anymore. It’s over and done with.” His arm tightened. “You’re out of it, of your own choice. Okay, he’s coming this way. Keep smiling.”

  Fallon forced herself to take deep, slow breaths as Brian forged through the crowd to where they were standing, the woman stopping obediently just behind.

  “She has nothing to say to you,” Cord drawled.

  “That’s not your choice.” Brian’s voice was filled with menace.

  “It’s her choice.”

  Fallon was so busy swallowing back the bile that rose in her throat and trying to keep her face expressionless that she hadn’t even noticed Jack Torres move up to stand beside them. Brian’s eyes glittered with hatred as he looked at the attorney.

  “You’d better be done sticking your nose in my business, Torres.”

  “And you’d better be paying attention to everything going on in your business, Willoughby. Things can change when you least expect them to.” Jack’s words were dripping with contempt. “The Emersons kept you on their guest list, but Frank’s a state officer in the SRT. His company operates worldwide, just as yours does. You never know when the two of you might butt heads.”

  “You guys think you’re so fucking smart.” Brian’s voice was filled with rage. “You don’t know who you’re screwing with!”

  Jack actually laughed. “Oh yeah. We do. And you’d best keep that in mind.” Effortlessly he nudged Cord and Fallon away from the spot and into the crowd. “Don’t look back at him, Fallon. That’s what he’s waiting for.”

  She could sense his piercing gaze like an arrow in her back but she wrapped her arm around Cord, tilted her chin a bit higher, and kept moving. She managed to walk on slightly unsteady legs, but with each step, she felt Cord’s strength seep into her. She absorbed the power of his touch, his nearness, his body pressed close, steadying her own.

  He can’t hurt me anymore. I’m done with him. Done with him. Finished.

  And strangely, as she moved farther away from where Brian was standing, it became fact. Not just a wish. She hadn’t felt any of the addictive hunger that had plagued her for so long. Any of that invisible draw. The tug and pull. Not even his voice had affected her.

  Ted Widener’s voice echoed in her brain. You are your own person.

  Apparently, against what she thought were terrible odds, she really was.

  When they had reached the far side of the crowded back yard, Jack stepped away.

  “You guys relax,” he told them. “We’ve got this handled.”

  “I owe you.” Cord’s voice was tight, rimmed with barely suppressed anger.

  “No you don’t. That’s what friends are for, right?” He slapped Cord on the back. “Enjoy yourself. I’m going to make sure Willoughby decides to leave early.”

  Fallon realized they were standing near the buffet table. Nerves made her stomach dance as the aroma of food tickled her nose.

  “I don’t think I can eat right now,” she told Cord.

  “Do you want to leave?” His eyes, when he studied her face, were filled with kindness. And concern.

  “Fallon?” Now Claire had come to stand beside her, concern also written on her face. “Want me to take you home?”

  Weak. That was how they still saw her. Claire was worried that coming here had been a mistake. Cord was apprehensive about the effect Brian’s appearance had on her. And suddenly she didn’t want them to see her that way. As a victim, whether due to her own failings or someone else’s. She’d worked very hard with Ted Widener to get past all that and she wasn’t about to let Brian destroy i
t again. She drew in a deep breath and let it out very slowly, settling herself.

  “No. No, I don’t want to leave. Thanks anyway, Claire.” She looked at Cord. “But can we get away from the food for a little while?”

  “No problem.”

  “I’ll check back with you in a bit,” Claire told her, worry still etched on her face.

  “I’m fine,” Fallon insisted. “I went through hell just to break Brian’s hold on me. I have to show him—you, everyone… myself—that I’m past that and can move on with my life.” She looked at Cord. “I’d like to go sit in that little gazebo over there.” She pointed and smiled. “Sir.”

  Cord’s answering grin warmed her. “No problem.”

  “Take care of her,” Claire said.

  “That’s a given,” he replied. He bent his head to Fallon. “I’ll always take care of my girl.”

  “Okay. Um, I’ll just be hanging out, having a drink with Jack.”

  Fallon raised an eyebrow. “Oh? Is there something you’d like to share with us?”

  To her surprise, Claire actually blushed. “Can’t I have a drink with a good-looking man if I want to?”

  “Absolutely.” She winked. “Have a good time.”

  “That would be an interesting combination,” Cord murmured.

  “Totally.” Fallon laughed. “I’d love to be an invisible eavesdropper right about now.”

  “You’ll be too busy listening to me.” Cord linked his fingers with hers and tugged her away from the crowd. “Let’s hit that gazebo and sit down for a while.”

  Fallon was amazed at how comfortable she felt sitting in the little covered area with Cord. Her earlier nervousness had faded, pushed away by her resolve not to let Brian undo all the work she’d been doing to help herself. And she forced herself not to look for him, track his movements in the crowd. She focused completely on Cord. More and more, she relaxed in his presence. They talked about inconsequential things. He told her about the ranch and the event center. They talked about everything except Brian and her therapy. She wasn’t ready to open herself up to that just yet.

  But by the time Claire came looking for her again, she felt more settled, more secure than she had in a long time. The fear still tried to wiggle its way into her system but she shoved it down ruthlessly. She’d nearly let Brian destroy her once. She wouldn’t do it again.

  “Ready?” she asked Claire.

  Cord helped her stand, lacing their fingers together. “I can run you home if Claire doesn’t want to leave just yet.”

  Fallon shook her head. “I’m a little tired. This is my first big outing in a long time.” She leaned closer so only he could hear her. “But I’ll be ready for another one before too long. Don’t give up on me. Okay?” She smiled impudently. “Sir?”

  “I’ll hold you to that.” His eyes spoke volumes as they lingered on her face. He brushed his lips very lightly over hers before stepping back and letting her walk away.

  “That seemed to go well,” Claire commented when they were back in the car.

  “Much better than I’d expected,” Fallon agreed.

  “I’m glad you didn’t let Brian’s presence unnerve you or chase you away.”

  Fallon twisted her fingers together, trembling suddenly with the aftereffects of her encounter. “For a minute, I almost did. But then I thought how stupid it would be to undo all the work you and Ted have done getting me to this point. And I had to make some decisions for myself. Find my own strength.”

  “I’m proud of you, kiddo. Really. You know, he didn’t stay very long.”

  “I feel sorry for that poor woman who was with him. That could have been me.”

  “But it isn’t. Keep that in mind. And by the way, Jack again let him know that a lot of people are keeping an eye on him.”

  Fallon made a rude noise. “Not that they’ll be able to do that woman any good.”

  “But they can hurt Brian’s business,” Claire pointed out. “Jack is part of a very powerful group. And they’ve been busy making their influence felt. And passing word to anyone who will listen to stay away from that bastard.”

  “Good.” Fallon leaned her head back against the seat and closed her eyes. “That makes me feel better. And speaking of Jack, is there anything you’d like to tell me about the two of you?”

  Silence.

  “Claire? That’s not a hard question.”

  “Well, um…”

  Fallon couldn’t believe that Claire, her smart, sophisticated friend, was fumbling for an answer.

  “He’s a very nice man,” Claire said at last. “But we live in two different worlds. You know that.”

  “Uh huh. We’ll see.”

  She hoped Claire’s natural curiosity and everything she’d learned about BDSM would convince her to take a step forward with Jack, if he offered. But that was up to them.

  “So things went well with Cord?” Claire asked, obviously changing the subject.

  Fallon smiled. “Better than well. I, um, think he’ll be calling me soon. To see me again.”

  Claire’s laugh was loud and raunchy. “Oh, I think he’ll want to do more than that. Count on it.”

  Fallon didn’t ever remember being this nervous, not even on a first date.

  “You are your own person now,” Ted had reminded her, and she clung to that knowledge.

  She’d gone over every detail in her head so many times, wanting it to be perfect, unsure of the outcome even though she and Cord had been spending a lot of time together. Really getting to know each other on a much deeper level. Everything was going so well, better than she ever could have hoped. By mutual agreement, they were taking things very slow. Long walks. Longer dinners, often in a casual restaurant they both loved where they could sit on the porch and look out at the Guadalupe River.

  He’d also gotten in the habit of dropping by in the mornings after Claire left for the office, bringing Fallon’s favorite scone and mocha latté from Starbucks. They’d sit on the patio, watching the morning unfold, and talk about nothing. A lot of nothing. It amazed her how much they were learning about each other, considering they’d lived together. Now each visit brought a new intimacy. A new connection.

  He hadn’t pushed her as far as sex was concerned, or resuming the parameters of the D/s relationship.

  “I’m taking my cues from you,” he’d told her yesterday morning. “I can wait. It will be worth it in the end.” He’d lifted her hand and licked each finger lightly. “I want you forever, Fallon, not just for now. And that’s worth taking the time for.”

  Getting her life back on track was giving her enormous satisfaction. Simple things like driving her car again, going to the therapist herself. Even taking a quick trip to the grocery store. They all felt new to her but she supposed it was because she felt new. As for her business, while she’d lost a couple of jobs due to time constraints, she’d begun phone meetings with clients, and was grateful for their patience.

  She’d discussed what she wanted to do tonight—what she felt she was ready for—in great detail with Ted at their last session, finally feeling she had all the pieces of herself in place. He had agreed with her, and with her plan. Then she spent two days preparing things, so jumpy that Claire finally insisted she go to the spa with her for a massage.

  “You’re making me crazy, Fallon. And you’ll make Cord crazy if you don’t unwind.”

  Getting into the ranch house hadn’t been a problem. She still had a key, and the few hands working in a nearby stable merely smiled at her, a familiar face, and went back to their chores. She had spoken with Cord earlier and knew he had meetings in town and what time he’d be home.

  She had attended to all her personal needs before leaving Claire’s—long bath, washing and drying her hair, shaving every area of her body, slathering on the scented lotion Cord loved so much. And a dab of perfume at every pulse point.

  “I hope I won’t be home tonight,” she called to Claire on her way out the door. She expected a welcoming rece
ption but she was still unsure if she and Cord were actually back on the right track. She had so much to make up for.

  “I hope so too.”

  Now, as relaxed as she figured she was going to get, Fallon surveyed her handiwork, setting the stage for what she hoped would be the beginning of forever.

  Candles with the scents of cinnamon and jasmine burned slowly, the aroma whispering in the air. The curtains were drawn on the windows, and on the bed was an array of toys she’d specifically chosen—a length of silken rope, a short flogger, the vibrator with the clit stimulator that was one of Cord’s favorites. Just those to start. He wouldn’t want to play hard this first time, and she wasn’t sure she was up to it yet either.

  The flogger was important because the punishment session would satisfy her need to be disciplined for betraying him. She needed it more for herself than for Cord, and she hoped he would see it that way. She chose the rope rather than the cuffs because she wanted to wipe its perverted symbolism from her mind and embrace it as Cord used it.

  “A ‘fuck you’ to Brian,” she’d told Ted when telling him of her plans.

  She had just glanced at the clock for perhaps the hundredth time when she heard the sound of heavy tires on the gravel outside, then the slam of a truck door. She followed each sound in her head—the opening and closing of the back door, Cord’s booted feet on the stairs.

  She had deliberately closed the bedroom door. Now, as he drew closer, she let out one last breath and dropped naked to her knees. Hands behind her back. Head bowed.

  The door opened. She heard a harsh gasp of indrawn breath, then Cord’s feet came into view.

  “Fallon?” His voice was a combination of hope and astonishment.

  “I’m here for you, Sir.” She hoped he didn’t notice the slight quaver in her voice.

  He was silent for so long she wondered if she’d made a huge mistake. Misjudged the situation. Her heart beat heavily in her chest and tears threatened at the corners of her eyes. When she had almost given up hope, she heard his voice again.

  “Look at me, girl.”

  She lifted her gaze and saw such emotion on his face, it nearly undid her. “I’m happy to look at you, Sir. Always.”