“You do know that it isn’t polite to stare, Norah.”
I blinked out of my reverie, and a flush filled my neck. Ripping my gaze away, I stared into the distance, focusing hard on the white spires of the Summer Court’s empty castle. What the hell was wrong with me? I always acted like a complete idiot around Rourke, and now, he’d caught me staring.
“I was just wondering why you’re different than the other Autumn fae,” I said, still refusing to meet his gaze, afraid I might make an even bigger idiot out of myself if I did. “There must be a reason you decided to side with the rest of the realm instead of with your own kind.”
“I see.” A pause. “You do know that we’re meant to be training you for this foolhardy mission, yes? I’m not certain why exchanging war stories would help you learn how to cloak yourself in shadows.”
I just want to know what makes you tick.
Rourke was impossible to read, and I realized that was part of what intrigued me about him. The others I understood. Maybe not fully but enough to have an inkling of what they might say or how they might react in a certain situation. Rourke? He was an enigma, a total mystery. The fact he’d shown up at the Summer Court, beating down doors and demanding a presence with the current leader? Well, it had been unexpected, to say the least. It was far more fire than I had ever seen in him before now.
Of course, now that he had gotten what he wanted, now that he was standing here before me, that mask of his was firmly back in place.
Or was it a mask?
It was impossible to say.
“If we’re going to be teaming up to go on what you call a foolhardy mission, don’t you think I should know a little bit more about you?” I finally plucked up the courage to glance back at him again, and a small timid smile donned my lips. “Surely you can see the logic in that.”
“Hmph.” Rourke crossed his arms over his chest and gave a slight nod. “I’ll tell you what. Every time you make progress, I’ll answer one of your questions. Maybe that will give you enough incentive to properly focus on this task.”
“And you’ll answer them honestly? No twisting your words around to mean something entirely different than what you actually said?”
He regarded me for a long moment before he nodded again. “I will answer your questions honestly.”
This long night of training had just gotten a hell of a lot more interesting.
I grinned and bent my knees, prepping myself the way I usually did when we were setting up to train back at the Academy. So far in our daily classes, we’d focused on physical confrontations, building up our skills with our fists, our swords, and our daggers, instead of relying on magic to save the day all the time.
He let out a eerie, quiet chuckle, one that was so much different than the booming laugh of Liam, the twinkling song of Finn’s merriment, and the sharpness of Kael’s tone. It was a sound that slithered under my skin and took roots, somehow tempting me closer to this strange, mysterious fae I so desperately yearned to know.
“No need to act like you’re going to pounce me,” Rourke said in a cool voice. “None of what we’re about to do will be physical, though I suppose you will feel something interesting if we do this correctly.”
My cheeks flamed as my mind transformed his words into something they most certainly didn’t mean. An image sprung into my mind. One where I leapt across this dark space and launched into his arms. Frowning, I shook my head at myself. Focus, Norah.
I relaxed my stance, though there was nothing that could release the tension that gripped my body.
“Good.” He nodded. “Now, as far as I can tell, you should focus on the varying shades of light in this world. There is the sun and the moon. Black and white and everything in between. Darkness and light, and therefore shadows, are a part of everything.”
That was a little more abstract than what I’d hoped for.
“See the shadows, Norah. Here, come closer.”
I hesitated, but then my feet carried me across the short distance that separated us. He held out a hand, and I slid mine into his. His touch was cold and electric, simmering with a strange humming energy that sparked goosebumps along my skin. Rourke smiled and brought my hand up to his face. Everything within me squeezed tight.
“Now,” he said, lowering his voice. “I want you to focus on my face. There is more light here.” He dragged my hand to touch his left cheek, the side of his face that was highlighted by the faint light of the distant moon. After a moment of tense, unspoken words, he then dragged my hand to his other cheek. “Over here, there is darkness. And here...” He curved my hand around his strong, angular jaw. “Shadows.”
I had no idea what was happening anymore, or why we were here, or what I was supposed to do. My mind and body were engulfed with the feel of him, with the sensation of electricity crackling between our skin. I had no idea if Rourke felt it or if I was only imagining it in my head, but it was the only thing in the world that existed in that moment. Rourke. And his jaw. And his fingers curled tight around mine. The shadows were there, too, yes. The darker shades that merely highlighted the strong curve of his jaw, and the lips that were slightly parted. The tongue that darted out between them when he smiled.
“Are you ready to make your first attempt?”
“Huh?” Heart racing in my chest, I moved my gaze from his lips to his golden eyes. He wanted to make our first attempt. At kissing, I hoped. Because I had a bone-deep certainty that Rourke was very good at kissing.
“Norah.” His lips twisted into a devious smile. “I need you to make your first attempt at calling to the shadows. If you get it right, I will answer any question you have for me. Any question.”
My heart raced. I definitely had some questions, alright, but I didn’t think I would have the guts to voice them out loud. For one, I was desperate to know if he felt this same strange exhilaration when he was around me. Did his skin spark, just like mine did? Did his mind get consumed by the scent of crackling leaves and rich, damp earth?
“I’ll try,” I managed to whisper.
Rourke took just the slightest of steps back, enough that my trembling hand now fell to my side. For a moment, I found it impossible to focus on the task at hand. My feet itched to erase the distance between us again. All it would take was one small step, and I’d be back within his gravitational pull, one so strong that not even the largest rocket could pull me away.
The shadows, Norah. That’s why we’re here. Save the realm, live happily ever after. Remember?
With a deep breath, I closed my eyes. I tried to recall how I’d felt back in the chaos of the Feast of the Fae. I let my mind replay the images in my head. The screaming changelings. The darkness that swirled in the Autumn fae’s eyes. And then I opened my eyes, focusing my gaze on Rourke’s face. The shadows that clung to his chin, the darkness that curled underneath the bottom curve of his lips.
A strange sensation tiptoed down the back of my neck, something almost akin to unease. A sickly fear twisted in my mind, and strange horrible thoughts began to dance through my head. Grief consumed me, though grief for what I didn’t know.
Rourke’s eyes widened just a hint, enough to let me know that I’d done something, even if I wasn’t entirely sure what it was just yet.
“Well done, Norah. Now, let go.”
I closed my eyes to block out his face and the shadows I’d collected from his skin.
Instantly, that eerie sensation flickered away, but in its place, an intense weariness settled into my bones. I felt...absolutely destroyed. As if I’d run an entire marathon without a single drink of water. And my mind echoed with a horrible sadness.
Knees wobbly, I opened my eyes. Rourke’s strong arms encircled my waist, and he gently eased me to the ground.
He settled in beside me, curling a finger under my chin and searching my eyes. “It seems your power comes with some unintended consequences. Are you alright?”
“I’m fine,” I said, breath shaky in my lungs. “Just...exhauste
d, really. I feel like I could use a really long nap.”
He gave a curt nod. “We’ll try again after you’ve rested. Would you like my help getting to your quarters?”
“Not so fast there, buddy,” I said, shooting him a weak grin. “We had a deal. I make progress. You answer a question.”
He let out a low chuckle. “You’re too weak to stand, but that doesn’t matter as much as picking my brain. Go on, then. What would you like to know about me, Norah?”
Everything.
Chapter Eight
The intensity of my training ramped up another notch after that. We worked at it all throughout the next night. At first, I found it as draining as I had the first time around, but I kept my mind firmly focused on the good things, the happier things, the parts of my world and my life that brought light into my life.
The sadness still sank deep within my bones, but focusing on Rourke helped me ignore it. We kept our game going, and I found myself eager to hear the next insight into his life.
“You once said you joined the Autumn rebels,” I said, the question flowing from me without hesitation. “Why?”
A pause. “I hoped to see the realm return to what it once was.”
“What was it about the realm before that you loved so much?” I asked him as I swiped the sweat off my brow. “Was it just because Queen Marin was a better ruler?”
“Objectively, Queen Marin was a better ruler. Subjectively...well, obviously not everyone agreed.” Rourke smiled. “It was not just Marin though. It was all of us, all the fae. We were better than we are now, though some say it’s because she brought out the best in us, and now our rulers bring out our worst.”
“Better how?”
“Ah.” He grinned. “That’s a second question.”
“Come on, Rourke,” I said in a teasing tone of voice. “I just kept myself shadowed for two full minutes, and it felt like the world was ending. How about two questions then? One for each minute.”
He let out a low chuckle. “Soon enough, you’re going to be keeping yourself shadowed for thirty minutes and more. Don’t tell me you’re going to lob thirty questions at me at once.”
I grinned. “Sounds good to me.”
“Surely you don’t even have thirty more things you want to know about me. I know I’d grow tired of listening to someone ramble about themselves.”
If he were almost anyone else, that might be true. But Rourke was an enigma that was now starting to take shape, a one-of-a-kind shape I’d never seen before. He was a contradiction of sorts. He could be calculating and cruel, but the warmth he felt toward those who truly mattered to him was as soft as a summer’s golden sun. He had a matter-of-fact way of looking at the world, but he was also intensely nostalgic about how things used to be. He was practical, but he was a dreamer. He was all those things and more.
“I want you to tell me everything about you, Rourke. You could go on for hours, and I’d never get bored.”
Rourke’s breath caught. I heard it, despite the way he cleared his throat as a way to cover it up. He strode toward me and stared deep into my eyes, his golden strands flickering underneath the torchlight. “What is it about me that you find so fascinating? I fear I’m not who you imagine me to be.”
“And yet, the more I learn about you, the more certain I am that you are exactly who I imagine you to be.”
“And who is that?” he said, the tone of his voice insistent.
I shook my head, at a loss for how to put my feelings into words. “It’s hard to explain. It doesn’t even make any sense. But there’s something about you...everything about you, really...it calls to my soul.”
A pause.
“I did agree to tell you the complete truth, though when I do I doubt you’ll feel the same.” And then his back stiffened, his expression turning dark and cold. “Before I joined the rebels, I met with them a few times. I wasn’t quite sure yet if it was a group I wanted to join. The rumors about them painted them as chaotic and violent, two things I very much am not. I tried to keep myself shadowed, to hide my movements from view. But Viola found out.”
I gasped and stepped closer, my heartbeat beginning to flicker in my chest. From the look on his face, I knew whatever he said next would be terrible. Something had happened. Something that had changed him. And for some inexplicable reason, he had now decided to share it with me.
“I’m not sure I’ve ever told you about my sister. In fact, I know I haven’t. I don’t speak to anyone about her, not even Alwyn, who knew me way back then.” Rourke’s jaw rippled, and the sorrow in his eyes was so deep that it looked as though he was drowning in it. “Kallee. She was wild and fiery. So different than most Autumn fae I’ve ever met. She loved horses. Ran in the woods with them all day long. She never tired of it, no matter how long she was out there.” A heavy sigh, and then he continued. “My relationship has always been strained with my mother and father but never with her. I’ve never loved anyone more. So, Queen Viola decided to teach me a lesson, to punish me for meeting with the rebels.”
My breath stilled in my lungs.
“She killed her.”
“Oh, Rourke.” I reached out a hand, letting it hover just above his shoulder, afraid that if I touched him, he’d flinch away. “I’m so sorry.”
“I’ve never let myself love anyone else ever since. Never let myself even care. Because I knew if I did, Viola would kill that person, too.” His haunted eyes met mine, and then he glanced away. “So, now you know the full truth. My own actions caused my sister’s death.”
“Rourke. You can’t blame yourself. Is that why you left the rebels?”
A pause. “No. If anything, I was more intent on joining them then, and so I did. It wasn’t until much later that I left. They were’t doing anything. They liked to talk big and prowl their woods, but the most they ever do is keep a close eye on the comings and goings of the Royals.”
“But I don’t understand why teaching changelings has the power to change things. Why not something else?”
“Like what, Norah?” He gave a slight shake of his head. “As an Autumn fae, the Hunters of another Court would never have me. At the Academy, I have the chance to introduce changelings to the possibility that the realm is not at its best in its current situation. Plant seeds of doubt. Nurture those seeds and watch them grow. Make those at the Academy who end up joining the Autumn Court think twice about blindly serving a cruel Queen.”
“And do you think it’s helped?” I asked. “All this seed planting you’ve done.”
He arched an eyebrow and regarded me with a strange expression. “You tell me, Norah. From where I’m sitting, it looks as though your seed has done far more than sprout a tiny bud.”
I stared at him. “You did your seed planting with me.”
“I do it with all the changelings.”
I thought back to the first night on Watch Duty, when he’d swung around to talk wistfully about the old ways. He’d pointed out the clouds; he’d mentioned the storms. All this time, I’d thought he’d sought me out specifically, that he’d wanted to share his thoughts only with me. Instead, it was just something he told all the changelings.
That horrible weary sadness shook me to my very bones.
With a sharp intake of breath, I stood. I was still wobbly on my feet, but I didn’t want to stick around and hear any more. The thought of him climbing into another guard tower and waxing poetic to another changeling...well, it made my heart feel strangely tight and uncomfortably hot.
“That’s satisfied you?” He frowned as he pushed himself up from the ground. “I have to say, I’m surprised. I thought you’d be much more intent on wringing out as many details as you could.”
My voice was cold when I replied. “One step forward in training. One question. That’s it, right? Well, I’ve heard everything I need to know. I’m just a seed to you. A stupid blank wooden seed.”
And with that, I flew from the courtyard and into my room, throwing the lock shut on my door.
I didn’t want to see anyone for the rest of the night.
“I heard you made some progress last night.” Liam leaned in close, passing the tray of scones into my hands. We’d all gathered for breakfast in the hall, the war map replaced with trays upon trays of food. The “Lesser Fae”, as Phelan kept calling them, were happily chirping around our table, serving each plate with extra morsels. They’d heard news of hope, news of a plan, though they didn’t know the details of the mission.
The fae seemed eager to put these horrible attacks and storms behind them, a grim reminder of exactly how much rested on my unlikely success.
“Yeah, I made some progress,” I said bitterly, studiously avoiding Rourke’s golden eyes. He was stationed directly across the table from me, which made the whole avoiding thing terribly difficult. But he considered me a seed, one that was no different than any of the other hundreds of changelings he must have met over the years. How many girls had he lured into the forest? Had he used them as bait, too?
And why in the name of the forest should that made me feel so terrible?
Liam arched an eyebrow and barked out a laugh when I stabbed one of the scones with the end of my knife. “Dare I ask why you’re so grumpy about it?”
“It’s not important,” I muttered.
“Yes, why are you so grumpy about it, Norah?” Rourke’s cool voice drifted across the table.
I peeled my scone off my knife and dropped it onto my plate, eyes firmly locked on the blueberries that oozed from the flaky dough. “Turns out I’m weak. The shadow thing knocked me on my ass.”
“I see,” Rourke said quietly.
“Look, I know you’re not happy unless you’re conquering your gifts, Norah, but it’s just going to take a little practice.” Liam rested a warm hand on my neck. “Remember when you first shot a bow and arrow? You were pretty much the worst shot I’ve ever seen, and that’s saying something.”
A Song of Shadows Page 7