Two To Mango

by Jill Marie Landis

  “I mean, do you think he might just be pretending not to like the first two or three batches so that you’ll keep giving him more?”

  Louie stared at the parrot for a minute. “You wouldn’t do that, would you Dave?”

  “Lime in da coconut!” Letterman shouted. “Drink it tall up!”

  Kiki heard a car pull into the Goddess parking lot and downed her sample. “I’ve gotta get back over there. The girls will be waiting.” She started for the door. “Thanks for the sample. I think the Rhinos will love it.”

  “Great. By the way . . .” He put down the shaker and walked over to where she waited by the open door onto the lanai. “I hope you can put what happened with Marilyn behind us and give her another chance. Don’t be upset if she starts coming around again.”

  “Upset? Someone poisoned a kumu at the competition and who knows how many before that? As far as the police know, it could be anybody, even Marilyn.”

  “Or you.”

  “What?”

  “I’m just saying that it’s not Marilyn. Blaming her is as crazy as blaming you. Em told me they questioned Tiko but they released her. Until the police find some hard evidence, don’t go around blaming someone who’s innocent.”

  Kiki was mad enough to yell patooie.

  “The Goddess is your bar. You can welcome anyone you want. Just don’t blame me if you wind up poisoned by that black widow someday.”

  She stomped out and let the screen door slam behind her. Inside the house, Letterman started squawking up a storm. By the time Kiki got back to the bar she had gotten a grip on herself. She wasn’t about to let Louie or Marilyn ruin her good mood.

  Trish and Flora were already inside waiting for the others. Trish had spread photos out over one of the tables.

  “Are those from the competition?” Kiki leaned over to get a better look.

  “I had a friend in the audience taking still shots with my camera.”

  Kiki couldn’t believe what she was seeing. “Our arms are all up at the same time.”

  “I know.” Trish was beaming. “We look great in every shot.”

  “Did you take out the bad ones?” Kiki scanned the photos. Something had to be up.

  “Two. That’s all.”

  As soon as the others arrived and had time to ooh and ahh over the photos, Kiki signaled Pat to call them to order. She beat on her Crisco can and yelled, “Laaadeeze!”

  The Maidens stood at the ready.

  “Some of the Rhinos are coming in for lunch today,” Kiki smiled, thrilled to be able to announce the surprise. “I say we practice a few of our numbers and dance for them. I’ve got all the CDs, and we’re good to go.”

  “But we’re not dressed for a show,” Lillian whined.

  “It’s what we call impromptu, Lillian. It’s going to be fine.” Kiki picked out a CD and loaded it on the boom box. She was lining them up on stage when Big Estelle walked in with Little Estelle rolling along behind her.

  “Sorry we’re late,” Big Estelle apologized. “Mother was chasing the meter reader down the street.”

  Little Estelle shrugged. “He was cute.”

  “Whatever she’s taking, I need some,” Pat mumbled.

  “Get on the stage, Big Estelle. We’re doing a lunch show for the Rhinos. It’s a dance- as-you-are show. No time to change.”

  “The Rhinos?” Despite the crowded space, Little Estelle executed a perfect donut on the Gad-About. “Whoohoo.”

  Kiki held up her hand. “Stop riding in circles. How about scooting outside and cutting some song of India for to wear in our hair? I brought extra pins.” Kiki dug around in her basket purse and pulled out some pruning shears and handed them to Little Estelle.

  Trish started digging in her bag. “I think I have some pins in here some place too.”

  Little Estelle drove back outside without a word of argument.

  “What if she doesn’t come back?” Lillian asked.

  Big Estelle sighed. “Oh, she’ll be back. She tried to get me to take her back to the hotel this morning to score another horn for her collection.”

  They practiced for almost two hours. When Em came in, Kiki waved her over.

  “We heard about the Rhinos coming, and we’ve got a show all worked up for them.”

  Em didn’t respond with the enthusiasm as Kiki had hoped for, but nothing was going to burst her bubble today.

  “We’ll need a lot of tables for them.” Em looked around at the Maidens. They had broken into twos and threes. Their things were spread out all over the room. Little Estelle was back with a bag full of green and white variegated leaves. Her assignment accomplished, she was sipping on a tall Huli Huli Boolie, a drink that was strong enough to even make Kiki’s head spin. Kiki signaled Big Estelle over.

  “I’m not so sure that’s a good idea,” Kiki nodded toward Little Estelle.

  “You try to stop her.” Big Estelle went back to where she’d been talking to Lillian.

  “Hit it.” Kiki told Pat. Pat pounded on the drum and the women fell silent.

  “Pick up all of your things and haul them out to your cars wikiwiki. Then meet back here, and we’ll pin leaves in your hair. Em needs help with the tables. She’ll tell you how to arrange them.” Kiki turned to Em. “There. Easy, see? Exactly how many Rhinos are coming?”

  “Twenty to twenty-five. Depending on how many they can squeeze into a van.”

  “You can tell how big a Rhino is by the size of his horn,” Little Estelle yelled.

  “Kiki, this is not a good idea.” Em looked decidedly worried.

  Kiki waved away her concern. “I’ll take care of her. Trust me.”

  Sophie walked in from the kitchen. “Kimo wants to know what to serve for the lunch special.”

  “What do we have the most of?”

  “Yesterday’s teriyaki chicken and mac salad.”

  “That’s the special.”

  Sophie hesitated. “Should we offer the smoothies and cut the price? We might be able to use them up on the Rhinos. The locals won’t be so anxious to order them once the story gets out. Besides, none of the Rhinos is in line to be a kumu.”

  “Good idea,” Kiki agreed. “Louie has a new cocktail ready for them, too.”

  “I don’t know.” Em glanced toward the kitchen. “You better tell Kimo about the special.”

  Sophie hurried toward the kitchen.

  Kiki put her hand on Em’s shoulder. “Don’t look so worried.”

  “I just don’t know about serving those smoothies.”

  “You think Tiko might have put something in them?”

  Em shook her head. “No, but I hate to find out I’m wrong.”

  “Then go for it.” Kiki smiled.

  “You sure are happy today,” Em noted.

  “I’m still riding the high from our performance.”

  Em’s gaze shifted to Little Estelle. “What should do about her?” she whispered.

  “Have Sophie fix her a double Huli Huli Boolie. With any luck she’ll pass out and we can take her away before the Rhinos pull into the lot.”

  The double Huli Boolie worked better than a tranquilizer gun on Little Estelle. Once she passed out, Kiki convinced Big Estelle to leave her mother on the Gad-About and roll her into Em’s office to sleep it off.

  The Rhinos arrived and commenced doing what Rhinos did best—partying. After an hour Kiki took refuge in the hall between the bar and the bathrooms. Across the room Em yelled to Sophie, “Eight more Rum Rhinos!”

  When Louie walked up beside her, Kiki said, “You’d think they would have all passed out by now.”

  Together they watched Sophie, an island of calm in a hurricane of chaos, as she lined eight tall glasses up on the bar and started pouring.

 
Near the banquette, a half dozen Rhinos were yelling, “Chug, chug, chug,” over one of their brothers who was lying on his back across a table. Three others found a broom in the restroom and used the handle to take turns doing the limbo.

  In the far corner, two Rhinos squared off. Heads down, horns pointed and strapped on tight, they pawed the ground. Then they charged each other, completely missed and fell over.

  “Too many Rum Rhinos to do any damage,” Louie commented.

  “Good thing they came in vans with drivers or you’d have to cut them off,” Kiki said.

  Louie laughed. “They’ve definitely broken a record. We’ve never sold this many specialty drinks at once other than on luau night. I had to send Buzzy to town for rum, and he cleaned out the shelves at Hanalei Liquor and the Big Save.”

  “I guess I should get the girls up and dancing before the audience passes out.”

  Kiki tried to announce the Maidens over the din. They lined up on stage and danced their hearts out, but the boom box was barely audible even on the highest volume. None of the Rhinos paid any attention.

  “I hate these guys,” Flora told Kiki. She stopped dancing and walked off the stage.

  Lillian and Suzi followed. Kiki and Big Estelle looked at each other, shrugged and stopped too. Kiki unplugged the boom box and was wrapping up the cord when a middle-aged Rhino wearing a horn with the word BULL printed on it came staggering over.

  “Alooooha!” he shouted at her.

  “Aloha to you too.”

  He crooked his finger and had her bend down so that she could hear him.

  “Can I use your microphone?”

  “I think you’re loud enough,” she said.

  He wagged his head from side to side. “I gotta make a speech. It’s impotent.”

  “I can imagine.”

  “No really.”

  “How impotent is it?”

  He signaled one of his brother Rhinos over, pulled off the man’s horn and waved it around. “Gotta make a special presentation. To the guy who owns the place.”

  “Oh, in that case,” Kiki handed him the mic. “Be my guest.”

  “Whas’sis name?”

  “Louie Marshall.”

  “Where are we again?”

  “You’re in Hawaii. At the Tiki Goddess Bar.”

  “Oh, yeah. Right.”

  He climbed onto the stage, held the mic to his lips and made a loud, long moan. He kept moaning like a rhino in heat until every Rhino in the room stopped yelling and faced him in reverent silence.

  “Brother Rhinos! Here ye, here ye.” He held up the horn and waved it around. “Can we have Mr. Louie Marshall come forward?”

  He waited until someone ran into the kitchen and found Louie and sent him into the bar. Two Rhinos marched Louie to the stage and placed him beside their leader.

  The man drew himself up, stopped weaving for a second and turned to Louie.

  “As Bull Rhino of the Cincinnati Crush, it’s my privilege to present you, Louie Marshall, creator of the Horny Rum Rhino, with an honorary Rhino horn.”

  He handed the horn to Louie. “Go ahead. Strap it on.”

  Ever the genial host, Louie took off his Panama hat, smoothed back his hair and strapped the horn on his head.

  “Here’s to Brother Louie!” the bull from Cincinnati hollered.

  There wasn’t a dry-eyed Rhino in the room as they raised their glasses and moaned.

  It was another hour before the Rhinos stampeded out to their vans, leaving the place in such a mess the Maidens volunteered to help clean up.

  “Gather ’round, ladies,” Louie said when they were all finished. “I can’t tell you how grateful I am for your help. You’ve gone above and beyond the call.”

  “We’re happy to do it,” Kiki said. “After all, this place is our second home.”

  Big Estelle said, “I’d better wake up mother and get going.”

  “Just a minute.” Louie pulled off his honorary horn.

  Kiki and the other Maidens followed them into the office where Louie carefully strapped the horn to Little Estelle’s head. She snorted but didn’t wake up. They rolled her back into the bar and parked her near the stage.

  Big Estelle gently shook her shoulder. “Mother, it’s time to go home.”

  Little Estelle blinked and looked around in confusion. She touched the strap under her chin, then reached up and discovered the Rhino horn.

  “That was some party,” she mumbled. “I don’t even remember putting another notch in my belt.”

  She had a smile a mile wide on her face when Big Estelle finally rolled her and the Gad-About onto the van lift.

  43

  Just Another Quick Trip to Town

  “Thanks for loaning me your truck, Uncle Louie.” Em was almost out the door, keys in hand the next morning.

  It was a gray day, overcast but not raining. After the fan belt broke on Sophie’s rust bucket last night, Em had loaned Sophie her car. She hated to have to borrow the truck and leave Louie on his own, but she was determined not to be gone long.

  “Sophie said she’d be in early,” Em reminded him.

  She only planned to go as far as the Island Holidays Hotel and pick up her phone. The manager had called last night after the maintenance crew found it backstage. When she thanked him, he asked if “those women” had been in any more fights.

  Happily, she told him no. But then again, it had been less than forty-eight hours.

  “Would you mind picking up a battery for my watch?” Louie crossed the room and handed her a slip of paper with the number of the battery he needed. “And Kimo needs a bulk pack of Sterno for the catering job we’re doing on Sunday,” he added.

  Em sighed. “I guess I can go all the way into Lihue.”

  “As long as you’re running around,” he was on a roll, “you might as well stop at Napa Auto Parts and pick up a fan belt for Sophie’s car. Otherwise you’ll have to drive her back and forth until she can get one. Either that or let her keep your car.”

  Em pulled a pen out of her purse and wrote Sterno and fan belt on the slip of paper he’d handed her.

  “I’ll walk you out and take the old belt off her engine. Just hand it to the guy at Napa and he’ll get you the right one.”

  Louie followed her to the parking lot, removed Sophie’s fan belt, and Em carried it over to his compact Toyota truck. An older model, it was a faded blue, but it ran like a top. Em turned the key, and it started right up. She lowered the window on the driver’s side and Louie hovered.

  “Thanks again. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” She was anxious to leave before anyone else rolled in and added another stop to her list. “Don’t forget to call the people we’re catering for on Sunday to see if they decided on chicken and teri beef skewers or chicken and shrimp.”

  “I will. Right after I take my beach walk. Don’t worry. And watch the road.”

  It was seven thirty when she finally left the parking lot. With the stop to pick up her phone, it would take an hour to get to Lihue. She popped a CD into the player and settled back to enjoy the road and the view. Folks here complained about traffic, especially the old timers, but she never minded the slow drive, what with the lush green mountains on one side of her, the ocean on the other and an occasional rainbow in between.

  Her cell phone was at the front desk at the resort right where it was supposed to be. Em thanked the manager and turned it on. The battery was dead, but she’d grabbed her car charger before Sophie took off last night so now she hooked up charger to the phone.

  Headed for town again, she was singing along with Celine Dion on an old CD of Louie’s until she passed a white panel van and felt a rush of adrenaline. She side-eyed the driver, afraid it was Tiko, but it wasn’t. It took her heart a mi
nute or two to slow down.

  If the police couldn’t tie Tiko to Kawika’s poisoning, it was a given on an island the size of Kauai that Em was bound to run into her again.

  She’d never forgive herself if she’d jumped to conclusions and Tiko was completely innocent. Though Tiko denied any wrongdoing, the image of her garden with its bouquet of poisoned plants kept popping into Em’s mind.

  As she neared town, Em found herself wondering what was happening with the members of Mitchell’s halau. How many had defected, as Kiki put it, to other kumu?

  At her first stop in town Em checked her phone. There were old messages from Sophie from the night of the fiasco performance and a couple from Roland but none since Sunday. She stopped everywhere on the list and was headed back home in record time when a red convertible Mustang pulled out in front of her with little room to spare.

  She didn’t get a good look at the driver, but she thought it looked like Tiko’s cousin, Charlotte. The car was the same make and color she’d seen Charlotte driving at Tiko’s.

  Em adjusted her visor, hoping to hide her face. Her sunglasses surely helped. She doubted Charlotte would recognize her anyway, and she certainly wasn’t paying much attention to her rear view mirror. Charlotte was too busy tailgating the car ahead of her, weaving to the left side of the lane, trying to see if there was room to pass. On the strip of highway known as Blood Alley was a forty mile an hour zone. Passing here was a pretty stupid idea.

  Em backed off the accelerator and watched Charlotte pull one impatient move after another, until they crossed the Wailua River bridge. When Charlotte slid into the left turn lane that headed up Kuamo’o Road toward Tiko’s house, Em jogged in behind her. The light turned green almost instantly, and soon they were able to turn mauka, inland.

  Charlotte punched it, and the Mustang raced ahead, up the hill past the falls and round the curving road that followed the cliff above the Wailua River valley. The woman was in a hurry. Her obvious destination was Tiko’s. Em had nothing to lose but time, so she hung back but kept Charlotte in sight.

  When the red Mustang turned right at the Wailua Country Store, Em was sure Charlotte was headed to her cousin’s. A car pulled out of the store lot and fell in between them.