“Yes, all day.” Justin folded his arms across his chest. He looked like a sulking little boy. “I don’t feel like having lots of people over here.”
Rachel huffed in frustration.
“I want to celebrate with others,” she protested. “You don’t know what it’s like being in a place you’ve never been to before all alone and with no friends.”
Justin’s scowl darkened and he growled.
“Well, it’s nice to know I’m not enough to fight back the loneliness.”
It was then that Rachel realized she had said the words aloud and she had said too much. She had never told Justin that she felt lonely because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings. What she had just said would have been like hitting him over the head with a sledgehammer. She tried to backtrack and brush it away.
“You know what I mean.”
“No, I don’t know what you mean.” Justin looked at her.
Rachel could see the hurt in his eyes.
“I’m your husband, Rachel. You’re not on your own. You have me. My friends have accepted you into their circle as well, so you have them. Now you’re saying you’re lonely? How selfish does that make you sound?”
Rachel flushed. She had never been called selfish in her life!
“It’s not me being selfish.” She glared at him. “It’s just me wanting to celebrate with other people. It’s what I’m used to.”
Justin stared at her. She didn’t look away for a moment, and Rachel realized they had reached a stalemate. Justin wasn’t going to budge on wanting a Christmas together, and she wasn’t going to not have a party. To Rachel, a party signified celebration and Christmas was a celebration. It was a spiritual time to her but one that had to be shared... and what better way to do that than to host a party?
Finally, Justin gave a snarl and stood, Rachel shuffling back quickly, so she didn’t end up on the floor. Justin glared down at her, his eyes hooded in the shadows.
“Well, if that’s how you feel, why don’t you go and find someone to marry who likes big crowds?” He sneered. “Better yet, why don’t you go back to New York? Evidently, I’m not good enough to keep you from being lonely. I might as well not exist.”
Rachel couldn’t believe what she was hearing. He was telling her to leave and go back to that awful place... the one she had so wanted to leave? She didn’t want to go back and be a slave to her family. She would not do it, she would not give up on this, and she knew she had to explain. Only she was hurt and angry, and the words came out before she could stop them. “Don’t be so childish.” She snapped.
Justin snorted and turned away, stomping towards the door. He snatched up his jacket on the way.
“I’m going to check on the animals. Don’t wait up.”
The door slammed behind him, leaving Rachel in stunned silence.
Chapter 7
“I thought I’d find you in here.”
Justin lowered the grooming brush and looked around. Nathan stood in the doorway to the stables, hunched down in his coat. The day was surprisingly cold and blustery for Arizona so everyone was walking around in the warmest things they could find.
Justin sighed. If Nathan was here, that could only mean one thing. The party was going to start soon.
He turned away and began brushing the horse again.
“Are the guests arriving?”
“Cody and Maeve have just turned up. Charlotte and I have been here an hour.”
Justin immediately felt bad. He didn’t want to neglect his friend, but Rachel was making things hard for him. Despite telling her that he didn’t want a party at their home, Rachel had gone ahead and planned one, even roping in his men to help her out. No amount of punishing them for pandering to her would get them to stop. Rachel’s personality had them wrapped around her little finger, and they would do anything for her.
It was Christmas Day, and he couldn’t even feel comfortable, let alone happy, because he knew there was going to be something he hated. The party. He hadn’t even given Rachel his present of a new shawl, barrette, and bracelet with turquoise stones embedded in it from the mine in Frye. Justin knew Rachel would love it. When he saw the bracelet, he had been filled with love and had been saving ever since. It was a luxury, but she liked the color so much and making her happy made him happy... or it used to. Still, he didn’t feel festive enough to want to exchange presents.
“I’m sorry, Nate.” Justin paused briefly in his brushing, closing his eyes as a wave of emotion washed over him. “I just know I’m going to get antsy with all those people. I know everyone, but I don’t like it... you know!”
Nathan was silent. For a moment Justin thought he had gone back to the house. When Nathan spoke, he was sitting on a bale of hay just inside the door, out of the wind.
“You’ve never liked big crowds, have you?” he said quietly. “You’ve never liked crowds since we were children.”
Justin felt like a fool. Of course, Nathan would notice; they had known each other twenty years. And, as a man, it felt humiliating that he couldn’t cope in a social situation.
“I don’t know how I ended up hating lots of people around, but it’s how I’ve always been.” Justin went over to the rack and hung up the brush before picking up a blanket and bringing it back to the horse. He draped it over the horse’s back. “They have me panicking, and I can’t cope. And now I sound like an idiot.”
“It’s not idiotic. I seem to remember your father being the same. He wasn’t as bad as you, but he preferred the solitary life with just you and your mother.”
Justin paused. Now that he thought about it Nathan was right. His father had always been like that. Was it ingrained or was it something he had learned out of habit? Justin had no idea.
Nathan peered at him curiously.
“Why haven’t you told Rachel about this?”
Because Rachel was barely talking to him. When they did talk it almost always escalated into a fight, and Justin kept away. He had taken to sleeping on the bed they kept in the loft in the stables, so he didn’t have to face her. It was cowardly, but Justin hated fights almost as much as he hated crowds.
So, he let Rachel have her way instead of putting his foot down more. He kept out of the way and refused to discuss it. Justin knew Rachel would expect him to attend but he didn’t think he would be able to without looking like a fool in front of everyone. They all knew him, but he hadn’t been around all of them at once; nobody had seen him suffering from a panic attack.
“I would’ve thought she’d notice. The way I act whenever she mentions parties or crowds she should’ve noticed I don’t like it.”
“You know, a lot of women don’t know something unless you tell him.” Nathan brushed his hair out of his eyes. “They may be good with a lot of things but being psychic isn’t one of them.”
“But they like to pretend they are psychic.”
“That may be true, but it doesn’t always work.”
Justin chuckled. That was true enough, certainly, for Rachel. But she was way off on her predictions, especially with regards to him. She was being stubborn about the party, and he couldn’t get it through to her without opening up about his fears about lots of people. She would simply laugh at him, and Justin didn’t like being laughed at.
He turned to Nathan.
“So, what you’re saying is I should’ve told her I don’t want a party and then upset her? I can’t upset my wife.”
“Seems like she went ahead regardless and now you’re upset.” Nathan frowned. “Are you sure this marriage is going to work if you keep running away instead of talking to her? She’s a level-headed woman. I’m sure she’d understand.”
Justin didn’t know either way. Rachel had refused to entertain the idea of doing nothing but a party. His plan of spending it with her had gone out the window, and that hurt. He led the horse into its stable and slumped onto the floor once he exited the stall, leaning back against the edge of the stall wall.
“I don’t kn
ow,” he admitted, as he took off his Stetson and rubbed his eyes. Sleeping in the barn didn’t do much for him, and he was exhausted. “I care about Rachel. I do.”
“Do you love her?”
Justin hadn’t said it to anyone, not even Rachel. So, he didn’t want to say it to someone else until he said it to his wife. So, he dodged the question.
“I don’t know how I’m going to cope with so many people around. It could upset me and embarrass her.”
Nathan was silent for a moment. Justin could see him wondering what else to say. But they had said everything possible; it was hard to think of something else that didn’t sound like a different spin.
“Do you want some company?”
Justin did want company. But he also wanted his wife. In fact, he wanted his wife more than his friend. Nathan seemed to sense this, but he sat back and hunched into his coat.
“I won’t respond to that thought in your head. I’ll wait until you’re ready. You can’t cuddle me, but I can be the next best thing.”
Justin couldn’t help but laugh at that.
Chapter 8
Charlotte looked around the kitchen and whistled.
“Wow, Rachel. You’ve surpassed yourself this time. This looks amazing.”
Rachel had been working hard since before dawn, the steam from the cooking making her red-faced and had plastered her hair to her forehead and neck. The tables, both in the kitchen and in the dining room, were covered in various Christmas foods. Turkey, roast and mash potatoes, various vegetables, sausages wrapped in bacon and jugs of homemade gravy. There was even a huge Christmas pudding Rachel had been working hard on around the rest of the cooking.
Rachel was pleased with herself. She had often helped out making Christmas dinner – the one and only day she didn’t cook on her own – so this was the first time she did it alone. And she was very proud of it.
“I know.” She couldn’t keep the smile off her face. The first genuine smile on her face all day. “Doesn’t it look amazing?”
“It does.” Charlotte peered at her with a frown. “But you don’t look amazing.”
“How rude!”
“Well, you don’t.” Charlotte shrugged, not looking ashamed at her comment. “You look like you’re about to break.”
Rachel hadn’t realized her appearance belied her emotions underneath. Over the past few days, since Justin had stormed out over her having a party, Rachel had been blocking everything out by trying to prepare herself and the food for today. She was lucky to have help and everyone she had sent out invitations to had expressed a desire to come. Even her aunt Carla, Charlotte’s mother, was excited and had come down from New York to visit for the holidays.
The only blip was Justin. He didn’t want to get involved at all, and whenever he tried to talk to her about it, they ended up arguing. Rachel hated arguments, but she wasn’t going to back down. She was the one who had sacrificed a lot to come out to Canyon... in her mind, she deserved this.
Justin didn’t think the same way. They hadn’t slept in the same bed for a week, and Rachel was tired of sleeping alone. It had been easy to get used to sharing a bed with someone, even if Justin had a tendency to hog the sheets, so waking up and finding no one had slept beside her was a little crushing.
Rachel wanted her husband back, but she wasn’t about to stop her party to make him happy.
“Rachel.” Charlotte took her hands, her expression solemn. “We talk about everything in our lives. You can talk to me now.”
Rachel bit her lip. If she said anything about their arguments, she was going to burst into tears. It was upsetting that she couldn’t keep a man happy. Her mother had mentioned several times, in between trying to get her to marry someone, that she wouldn’t make a good wife as she couldn’t keep anyone happy. Now it looked like she was right.
“Justin’s been stand-offish with me. He doesn’t want this party and keeps telling me it’s a bad idea.”
“I don’t see any problem with that.” Charlotte shrugged. “Maybe he wanted to celebrate your first Christmas alone together.”
Rachel had hoped her cousin would side with her. Evidently not. She had seen Charlotte and Nathan talking among themselves before Nathan disappeared outside. It appeared to be an intervention they were concocting. She sat down heavily, lowering her hands to her lap.
“He said that but I want people around me. I’m so lonely here, Charlotte. I’m glad you’re here, but this is completely different to New York. I need to have lots of people about... you know me and how difficult I’m finding this.”
“And you said this to Justin?”
“I did.” Then Rachel looked at Charlotte’s expression and had a feeling that she had committed a faux-pas. “I shouldn’t have, should I?”
She had known it was probably not the best thing to say at the time, but Rachel hadn’t realized the gravity of her words. Charlotte shook her head.
“No, you shouldn’t have. Or if you had to say it you needed to have a bit more tact.”
“You know I don’t possess much of that.”
“No, I know that much.” Charlotte sighed and sat beside her cousin, laying a gentle hand over Rachel’s fidgeting fingers. “Saying you feel lonely to your husband when he’s trying his best for you is not often the best thing to say. That’s insulting him and makes him question if he’s doing things right for you. He wants you to himself for a bit, and you want a crowd? No wonder you two are arguing. This is not New York, I can understand the sudden culture shock, but you have to adapt to life here. I am, and I’m not suffering for it. It’s nice to take things a bit slower for once.”
What Charlotte said made perfect sense. Rachel could feel herself welling up. She sniffed and swiped at her eyes with a sleeve.
“I’m one who needs to keep busy, Charlotte. I like being on the go. It’s all I’ve ever known.” She felt a tear escape and tickle her cheek. “I don’t think I can slow down.”
Charlotte sighed.
“He’s not asking you to give things up entirely. He’s only asking for time alone together. It’s not all the time, and he’s not asking for the pair of you to be joined at the hip. He just wanted this one thing from you, and you blew it. You need to learn how to compromise.”
Rachel had never compromised. Her mother had never compromised and, in a sense, Rachel had learned from that. Now she was beginning to realize that was the absolute worst thing she could have down.
It wasn’t until Charlotte put her arms around her that Rachel realized she was crying. What had she done?”
Chapter 9
After having a cry to let out some tension, Rachel got Charlotte to hold the fort and greet the guests as they arrived. Then she hurried out towards the stables. She had been such an idiot. Her pride was not worth her marriage. Right now, she realized that it was more important and Justin should be more important than her being wrapped up in what she wanted.
Marriage was about compromise and being with the one person you loved. Rachel knew that but struggled a little with it. It was probably after growing up with a mother who never compromised on anything, including the man she proclaimed to love. Her father had never stood up to Judith and Rachel hadn’t realized she had started doing exactly what Judith did in her marriage.
Justin deserved more. She needed to change before the wedge between them got even bigger. This was not worth losing the man she loved over.
Rachel found Justin in the stables, sitting with his back against one of the stables. Nathan was sitting on one of the bales by the door. He stood when Rachel entered and glanced at Justin, who pushed his Stetson back on his head and looked up at Rachel. His eyes were red and sunken. He was pale. Rachel hadn’t realized he was looking like this. He was a shadow of his former self.
Her stomach clenched. She had caused this.
“I’ll leave you to it,” Nathan whispered.
He touched Rachel’s arm and left. Rachel bit her lip. She needed to do this. If she couldn’t, then th
eir marriage was going to be over before it had really got going. And Rachel wanted to stay married to Justin.
She could compromise. She would try her hardest to do so. Anything to be with Justin.
They spoke at the same time.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry.”
Rachel couldn’t help but giggle. Justin’s face relaxed, and there was a slight smile on his face. Rachel hadn’t seen him smile for a while. Justin beckoned her towards him.
“You first.”
Rachel took that opportunity. She approached him and knelt on the hay beside him. She couldn’t look at him as she laid a hand on his thigh.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I was selfish. There’s no excuse for that. It's just that busy and in crowds is what I’m used to.”
Justin’s hand slid over hers. It was warm and rough. Then he tugged her forwards, so Rachel sat across his lap, hugging her close as he buried his face into her neck. Rachel hugged him back, fighting back the urge to cry. He smelled of horse, but she didn’t care. She had missed this.
“And I’m sorry, too.” Justin pulled back and pressed a kiss to her nose before kissing her mouth, a gentle brush of lips. “I should be more supportive, and you’re the one who moved here to marry me. I should let you do this, at least.” He paused, gnawing at his lip. “But…I don’t do well in crowds. I never have done. They make me very nervous, and I begin to panic.”
“I realize that now. I have no idea how I didn’t notice it.” Rachel cupped his face in her hands. “I don’t want to upset you, Justin, but I don’t know if I can be like you with this solitary lifestyle. It’s not me.”
“I know that.” Justin kissed her. “But I love you. So, I’m willing to try on occasion, maybe we can compromise?”
Rachel didn’t think she had heard him correctly. Did he just say what she thought she heard?
“You love me?”
“Yes.”
His expression said he wasn’t joking. Rachel couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across her face. She kissed him, sinking into his body as Justin pulled her close, tasting every part of her mouth.
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