“It’s just...” God, where to begin? Well, there was no harm telling her my secret, now that I was quitting. My voice started to hitch, and I swallowed a couple of times to keep from crying. “I... my father...”
“Your father is the president of The Throttle,” she finished for me. At my astonished look, she smiled a little and cocked her head at me. “What? Did you think I didn’t know?”
“But...” I stammered. “I mean, I just assumed... I mean. Oh, God. I assumed because you hired me that you didn’t make the connection. And I was going to tell, you – honestly, I was. I just...”
She nodded. “I know. I’m sure you figured you had no chance getting a job here if people knew your background. But I prefer to judge people on their own merits.”
“Did you know when I came in for the interview?” I asked timidly.
She smiled again. “Oh, yes. I admit I was intrigued. For the daughter of a motorcycle club member, your résumé was certainly atypical. I wanted to see for myself what you were like. And what can I say? You impressed me with your attitude and the way you present yourself. Nothing in the application required you to disclose who your father was, after all.”
“I suppose so,” I said doubtfully. I was having trouble wrapping my head around all this. Barbara had known all along?
“So... what’s this about you leaving us?” she prompted gently.
How much should I tell her? Weirdly, I hadn’t thought through this part. I had assumed she’d be so angry at me that I wouldn’t have a chance to explain anything. But she was being so kind to me, and I had had so few people to confide in, that I found myself telling her the truth. “I went to a funeral a couple of weeks ago, for the cousin of a friend of mine. The cousin died of a meth overdose.” My voice was trembling slightly, and I fought to control it. “The thing is, I know that The Throttle is bringing meth into the community. And it’s just so awful. I feel like it’s my fault, somehow.” Barbara opened her mouth to respond, but I shook my head. “I know, I know it’s not really my fault. But it’s my dad who’s the club president. I tried talking to him about it, but...” I shook my head.
“He was not very receptive,” she suggested.
“He totally shut me down.” I laughed drily. “And he was furious with me for trying to interfere. And the thing is, I just can’t stay here and watch things get worse, knowing there’s nothing I can do.” I looked at her. “I hadn’t been back here in so long. I thought maybe it could be home for me. But now... I know it’s not going to work. I have to leave.”
“Hadley,” Barbara stopped me. “There isn’t nothing you can do. Yes, you’re right, you can’t change your father. You can’t take on the whole club by yourself. But wouldn’t you be of more help staying here and helping us with our substance abuse clients, instead of leaving?”
“But I’m just a receptionist. Anyone can do that job,” I argued.
“Maybe right now,” she conceded. “But you do have a degree in psychology. And you speak Spanish. There’s no reason you couldn’t go back to school for some additional training in substance abuse counseling. Believe me, the clinic could use you.”
Something clicked inside me when she said this. In a way, it made so much sense. Substance abuse counseling... it was a path. A direction. A way to do something, to make something of my life. And in another life, I might have jumped at the chance. But I knew I couldn’t bear it. To be working tirelessly day after day to stem the tide of a wave of illness and addiction that the club had helped to create. Knowing there was no way I could win that losing battle.
And there was another reason. I knew I couldn’t stay here and be around Ryker anymore. I couldn’t play the role of the stepsister, pining in secret for the one person I knew I could never have.
“I can’t, Barbara.” I shook my head. “Thank you, but I just... I can’t stay here. I’m sorry.”
Barbara held up a finger to stop me. “Hadley. Just think about it. I know you feel like Cheyenne isn’t the place for you. But maybe it’s exactly where you need to be.” She sat up straight and put her hands flat on her desk. “I’m going to ignore your resignation for now. Take a week to think about it. If you still want to leave, then fine. Agreed?”
What could I say? I sighed and nodded. “Okay. Agreed. But I’m not going to change my mind. I’m sorry.”
Chapter 20
Ryker
Hadley broke the news to Lon that she was leaving town at Cooper’s. She came into the garage, pulled him aside, and said a few sentences to him. Then she turned, gave me a brief, sad look, and left.
Lon said nothing in reply to whatever she said to him. He watched her go without a word. Then he walked out of the garage toward the back office, shut the door, and didn’t come back out for the rest of the afternoon.
I didn’t find out what it was she’d said to him until later that evening. I had gone over to the house to get the last of my shit out of the downstairs apartment when I heard Randi’s footsteps on the stairs. She tapped on the door and came in. “Oh, Ryker, have you heard? Hadley’s leaving.”
My stomach lurched at the news. Part of me had wondered whether this might be coming, but I hadn’t wanted to think about it, so I didn’t. Now it was here. It was over.
“Yeah?” I said blandly. “That’s too bad.”
Hell, it was probably better this way. It wasn’t like we had any sort of future together, anyway. This was just ripping the band-aid off. Good for her for doing it. Hadley would make it anywhere she went, I knew. She had everything going for her: she was smart, sexy as hell, and tough. She’d be better off somewhere else. Away from the club. Away from Cheyenne.
Away from me.
It didn’t matter at all that I didn’t fucking want her to go.
“I just can’t believe it,” Randi was saying. “I thought she liked her job. I thought she was happy here. Seemed like maybe she was planning to stay around for a while.” She wandered into my old living room and tiredly sat down on the last remaining chair, a lonely kitchen stool. “Do you have any idea why she’s leaving?” she asked.
“How the hell would I know?” I replied gruffly.
“You two have gotten close.” Randi was looking at me closely. “I know you have. You can try to deny it, but you’re not fooling anyone. Least of all me. Are you really telling me you didn’t know she was planning to leave?”
“I had no idea, Ma.” This had started to feel like an interrogation. I had to shut it down. “I have barely talked to her in weeks, anyway. Look, I’m sorry, but I’m kind of in a hurry to get this done and get outta here...”
“Ryker,” she cut me off. I looked at her, annoyance clearly written on my face. “You’ve been acting kind of strangely lately, Ryke. Is there anything you want to tell me?”
“Jesus Christ, Ma, you’re acting like I’m in the third grade. No, there is nothing I want to tell you. Leave it.” This was getting fucking weird as hell.
She sat a moment in silence, and then slowly, a grin spread across her face. “Okay, so you don’t wanna talk. No problem.” She put her hands up in a surrendering motion, got up off the stool and wandered to the door. “Good luck packing up the rest of your stuff, honey,” she said as she walked out. “And don’t forget to clean up in here before you lock up. I reserve the right to withhold your damage deposit.”
I chuckled with relief. “Sure thing, Ma.” Thank Christ that conversation was over. Turning back to the rest of my boxes, I dug in to my work and focused my attention on getting Hadley Cooper out of my mind for good.
Chapter 21
Hadley
A few days after I had told Lon and Randi I was leaving, a soft knock on my closed bedroom door, interrupting my reading. I was right in the middle of a chick lit novel that I had checked out from the library. I had been hoping it would take my mind off things. Instead, it had served to keep reminding me of how messed up my own damn life was. Too bad my life wasn’t funny enough to make into a book. It sure was complicated eno
ugh.
As I looked up to see who had knocked, Randi poked her head into the room. “Hey, Hadley. Can I come in for just a minute?”
“Sure, of course.” I put down my novel and motioned for her to come in. “Uh, sit anywhere,” I said, motioning to the array of half-filled boxes and suitcases that littered my room. “Sorry it’s not very organized in here.”
“No problem,” Randi replied. She sat down on the edge of my bed. “So,” she began, “Looks like you’re making some progress packing.”
“Yeah. I was just taking a little break.” It was amazing how much stuff I had accumulated in the short time I had been here. Considering that I had arrived with only a large duffel bag that fit easily into the trunk of my car, I couldn’t figure out where the rest of it had come from.
“You made any firm plans yet?” she asked.
“Not really,” I admitted. “I thought I’d go to Denver. I have some money saved up from working at the clinic, so that should buy me some time to find an apartment and look for a job. I’ve applied online at a couple of places, so maybe one of those will pan out.”
“You know we’re all really gonna miss you, Hadley,” she said suddenly.
I let out a short laugh. “Not everyone,” I retorted. When I looked at Randi her eyes were glistening, and I felt bad for being so short with her. “I’m sorry, Randi,” I said, my tone softening. “I really appreciate you letting me stay with you so long. You’ve been great. Really. But I think Dad will be glad to get rid of me. He’s barely said a word to me lately.”
“What’s happened between you two?” she asked. “I’ve been trying to get him to tell me, but he won’t say anything.”
“Just an argument,” I said, shaking my head. I wasn’t sure how much Randi knew about the club’s business, but it wasn’t my place to tell her. I didn’t want to be responsible for stirring up any conflict in their marriage. “But it’s not gonna be resolved. And I can feel that he doesn’t want me around anymore.”
“Oh, honey, that’s not true. He does want you to stay. But you know Lon. He just doesn’t know how to say it.” She grabbed one of my hands in hers. “But I do. Please, honey. Stay in Cheyenne. We all want you to. All of us,” she said, looking me significantly in the eyes.
I wasn’t sure what she meant by that. Why was she saying “all” instead of “both”? Figuring she meant The Throttle, I put it out of my mind. “I... I just can’t.” I shook my head. “I’m sorry. This just isn’t the place for me. I thought it was, but it isn’t.”
“Honey, what are you running away from?”
Randi’s question startled me. “Nothing!” I said, a little too loudly. Then, realizing I must have sounded angrier than I meant to, took a deep breath and continued. “Really, Randi. It’s nothing. I just realized Cheyenne isn’t where I was meant to be. I just need to start my life somewhere else.”
“Is it Ryker?”
I froze.
Holy shit. Oh God. What did she know? What did she suspect? What could I say? I had to say something. I couldn’t let the silence continue to grow, incriminating me with every second as she stared at me pointedly with her piercing eyes.
“What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Ugh. How guilty did that sound?
She chuckled and let go of my hand. “Hadley. Come on. I’m not quite as naive as I look. There’s more than just friendship between the two of you.”
I had been staring down at the bedspread, terrified to look at her. When I finally raised my eyes, Randi’s face told me there was no use denying it. I looked at her in horror.
“How did you know?” I whispered.
“Honey, a mother knows. And a woman knows. I can see the way the two of you look at each other.”
“I’m so sorry,” I choked out. The dam broke and I started crying. “I didn’t mean to... I don’t know what’s happened. Now you know why I need to leave!”
Randi put her arm around me. “Why do you need to leave, honey?”
“He’s... he’s my stepbrother! My brother! You said yourself, there’s no ‘steps’ in this family!”
“Oh, honey.” She put an arm around me and rocked me back and forth slightly as I sobbed. “I’m so sorry. I said that because I wanted us all to bond. I would never have said that if I thought it would come back to hurt you. Honey, there’s nothing wrong with this. You two are adults. You’re not related. My God, how could it be your fault that your daddy and his mama got married? That shouldn’t keep you from being happy, should it?”
I could hardly believe what she was saying. She reached over and grabbed a Kleenex from the box on the windowsill, handing it to me. “But,” I sniffled, “Even so, Dad would kill me if he knew. Hell, he’d kill Ryker first. Then he’d kill me.”
Randi laughed softly. “Oh, I don’t know about that. I’m sure it seems dark now, honey, but let me work on him. He may not react quite as badly as you think.”
I blew my nose noisily and shook my head. “You don’t know my dad. He sent me away because he didn’t want me to have anything to do with the club. Even if he wasn’t mad about the stepbrother thing, he’d completely lose it if he knew I was involved with a club member.”
“We’ll see,” Randi said. She rubbed my shoulders as I blew my nose again. “For now, why don’t you just sit tight? You can always choose to leave, Hadley. But once you’re gone, it’s a hell of a lot harder to come back. Something inside you told you to come back to Cheyenne. Why don’t you wait until you’re absolutely sure before you decide to pick up and leave again?”
I nodded once, to make her happy, but it didn’t change anything. Inside my mind was still as made up as ever. I already was absolutely sure. I had to leave. Nothing was going to change. How could it?
Chapter 22
Ryker
Lon had been acting damn strange around me for the past week or so. I couldn’t quite figure it out. At first, I thought it was because of me punching Jimmy, but that didn’t make any sense. Generally, any disputes between club members were handled between them -- often with fists -- and Lon didn’t get in the middle of that shit unless absolutely necessary. I knew he was upset about Hadley leaving, but I didn’t see how that had anything to do with me. Lon had no idea about what had happened between us, and both Hadley and I wanted to keep it that way, so I was sure she hadn’t told him anything.
Besides, even if he had any suspicions about something between us, he wouldn’t have been able to tell anything by looking at us. No one would. I had steered completely clear of Hadley since I’d heard she was leaving. Now that I wasn’t living at Lon and Randi’s anymore, I hadn’t even laid eyes on her in weeks. It was torture, but if that’s what she wanted, I sure as hell wasn’t going to get in her way.
The day before Hadley was planning to head out of town, I rode out by myself to the bluff to think. As I sat and stared out onto the valley below, I remembered taking her there to talk. I remembered how much I had wanted her that day, and how much it had torn me apart to drive back into town and drop her off. Hadley had changed everything for me. Everything felt different since she had crashed into my life.
I watched the sun as it made its slow way across the sky. I thought about my life, about how the club had become my family and made me into a man. I thought about how one decision led you to another, and then another, and sometimes you got so weighed down by them that it felt like you couldn’t fight yourself out of it all anymore. I thought about my past, and my future, like one long, winding highway in front of me.
I thought about how none of what was to come would matter much anymore, if Hadley couldn’t be part of it.
If Hadley was going to leave... maybe I should go with her.
The thought hit me like a lightning bolt. I could leave Cheyenne. I could pick up stakes and make a new life. With her. I could go find work somewhere else. Maybe find a new MC, even. Start over. With her by my side.
I couldn’t believe I was thinking it. Hell, before her, there was no way in
hell I ever would have considered giving up everything for love of a woman. Cheyenne was just about all I’d ever known, and The Throttle was all that had ever meant anything to me. Would I be able to walk away from everything I had built with the club? Could I walk away from my mother, my brothers, everything I knew?
I could. I knew I could. If I had Hadley, nothing else would matter much. It wouldn’t be easy, but shit. If she’d have me, it would be worth it.
But Hadley would want me to stay.
Wouldn’t she? Hadley would want me to keep working on the club. She would want me to keep working on changing its direction and getting us away from the meth. She was leaving because she felt helpless – because she didn’t want to watch Cheyenne turn to shit and not be able to do anything to stop it. She didn’t have the power to change anything, but she thought I did. I wasn’t sure she was right, but I owed it to her to try.
The sun began its descent toward the horizon, and still I sat there, thinking. I didn’t want to go back and face Hadley’s leaving. I didn’t want to say goodbye. I remembered back to when I was a little kid. When I didn’t want something to happen, I’d hide in my closet, or up in the tree in our back yard. It was like I thought that if no one could find me, time wouldn’t pass, and that dentist’s appointment, or that math test, would never come.
I wished that I could do that now, so Hadley wouldn’t fucking leave.
A soft buzz in my pocket interrupted my thoughts, and I took my phone out to see who was calling. Lon. “Yeah,” I said. I leaned back and stretched my aching neck and shoulders.
“Where you been, brother? Ain’t seen you around all day.”
“Just out,” I replied. “Anything up?”
“Nothin’ bad, but I need to talk to you. Come swing by the clubhouse when you got a minute.”
Getting the DOWN (A Bad Boy Sports Romance) Page 29