Sucks to Be Me: The All-True Confessions of Mina Hamilton, Teen Vampire (maybe)

by Kimberly Pauley

Grandma Wolfington looks around with a sniff. “No, you’re not,” she says. “That will be covered in my announcements.”

  That little teaser makes everyone scamper into place and quiet right down. This has gotta be good.

  True to her word, she doesn’t waste any time or even make us wait to get to the good stuff. I could almost like her. Almost.

  “Aubrey contacted me last week and he has decided not to proceed with turning, as may any of you, of course.”

  That brings out a startled gasp from everyone. If someone had asked me, I would have sworn he’d turn. But maybe Harriet Melman put the scare in him. I know she scared me.

  “Did he say why?” I blurt out.

  “Something about things not being what he expected. It seems he’d bought into some of the more outlandish myths, which is exactly why we have these sessions. At any rate, his situation has already been dealt with. I just wanted to let you know so that, if you happen to run into him, you’ll be prepared when he doesn’t remember you.” That makes a few people do a little bit of a double take.

  “What about Raven?” asks Linda.

  Riley doesn’t even look in Linda’s direction or pretend to answer her question. “I’ll be meeting with you one-on-one today. Starting with Lorelai.” She points at the cheerleader, who blanches, and leads the way to the closet/office attached to the rec room we’ve spent so much time in.

  “I wonder where Raven is?” says Linda plaintively.

  “Obviously she doesn’t want us to know,” says George. “Can’t say I miss her anyway.”

  I couldn’t agree more, but it was really odd the way old Riley didn’t even acknowledge the question. I wonder if Uncle Mortie did speak with her about our little tiff. Or is she just utterly ignoring Linda for some reason?

  Lorelai comes out after a while with slightly more color in her face and sits down with a big whoosh. We all, of course, crowd around her (except for Linda, the next one up).

  “It wasn’t too bad,” says Lorelai. “She just asked some questions. Nothing weird or anything like that. Just making sure we know what we want to do for real.”

  Oh. Well, I guess that isn’t too bad. I was kind of expecting something more than that. I don’t know what, just something.

  My turn comes after Linda (who comes out just as cheerful as can be). I walk in and sit down. Somehow, she managed to stuff a desk and two chairs into the tiny room.

  “Go ahead and sit down, Mina.”

  “Uncle Mortie says hey,” I tell her. Not that he did. I just know it will bug her and I get a perverse pleasure out of doing that.

  “Oh?” She attempts to smile. “How nice.” Hehehe. “So, my first question to you is whether you have decided what you would like to do?”

  Well, let’s just get right to the point then, shall we?

  “I think so.”

  “You think so?”

  “Yes,” I say with as much conviction as I can muster. “I’ve made my decision.”

  She nods. I guess I pass the first test. I figure the next question will be what my decision is, but she surprises me.

  “Why?”

  Why? Why what? I can’t imagine she means why did I decide—duh, because you made me. “You mean why I chose what I chose?”

  “Yes. What made you decide on the path you have chosen?”

  Lots of things go through my head, but I definitely can’t mention any of the Serena pieces.

  “Because it’s right for me,” I finally say. That’s the most honest answer I can think of. Who knows, maybe she’s got a lie detector power beyond the whole pulse-check thing. I wouldn’t put it past her. She nods, smiles (a somewhat real one this time), and tells me I can go after giving me a session completion certificate (again, I have to ask, haven’t these people ever heard the term “paper trail?”) and another set of forms to fill out documenting my decision and requesting Council sanction or some bureaucratic nonsense like that.

  Before I do, I can’t help but ask her one last question. “Did Uncle Mortie say something to you about Raven and the Black Talons? Is that why she’s not here?”

  She looks grim again. “He did speak with me, yes. And that, among other reasons, is why she isn’t here today. I’m afraid I can’t say anymore.”

  I nod. There’re some things I’m probably better off not knowing.

  When I duck out of the little room, I see that Herr General (as in the Vampire Corps Special Forces freak) has returned and is talking to Linda earnestly over in the corner.

  “What’s up with that?” I ask George.

  He shrugs his shoulders. “I think they’re trying to recruit Linda.”

  “Linda? As what? Cannon fodder?” Even though Linda did manage to lose ten of the fifteen pounds she’d been lugging around, she’s by no means a lean, mean fighting machine. I cannot picture her in army fatigues. But I guess vampires wouldn’t wear those anyway.

  “Dunno. But she looks interested.” True. Linda’s still got that big, goofy grin on her face. Well, if I ever run amuck, I guess I’d be happy to meet up with Linda instead of someone like Grandma Wolfington. But you never know. Maybe she’s really vicious underneath that girl-next-door image. She did have a killer handshake.

  25

  Lucky for us, the teachers don’t really bother to take attendance the Friday before prom. I’m glad I don’t have to make up any excuses to tell Serena about why I’m not spending the day with her planning and replanning prom night. I just tell her it’s George’s turning day and come clean about the whole orangutan sex thing. I wish she could go, but that would totally blow our cover. She just makes me promise to give him a hug from her.

  Uncle Mortie and Mom and Dad come along. (I think Mom and Dad want to check out my prom date, though Uncle Mortie already told them he likes him.) Other than that, Linda and Lorelai show up, Ms. Riley aka G.W., and a guy that I assume must be the weird friend that let him in on the secret, and a couple of other people I don’t recognize. Not a ton of people.

  George decided to go with a small ceremony in one of the hidden vampire museums in the city instead of a big shindig at a blood bar. The museum is actually pretty cool. I wouldn’t have minded if Uncle Mortie had taken me to one instead of visiting that kooky writer, but I guess then I would have missed out on seeing Aubrey practically cry over his misconceptions.

  They have a whole collection of vampire writings, photos, art, all kinds of stuff. George’s induction is being held in the Sixteenth-Century Room. There are period clothing pieces all along the walls. I’m so-o-o-o glad I wasn’t alive then. I would never have put up with those dresses. And the lack of toilet paper, but that’s another issue entirely.

  George looks fairly calm, considering. He’s chatting amiably with my dad and Uncle Mortie about his plans for the future, that kind of stuff, and even successfully fielding questions from Dad (argh!) on his plans for me and prom night. I tried telling Dad we were just going as friends, but he’s got to pull the whole dad routine anyway. That’s just how he is.

  Then the light flickers a few times, and everyone gathers on one side of the room, leaving George and an older guy (Museum curator? Shaman doctor? Ancient vampire guy?) at the other end. The ceremony pretty much goes exactly like the last one I saw, except that George doesn’t hesitate on his answer at all, and there’s no chanting or dudes in robes and the old guy doesn’t make quite so much a production out of the whole wrist-slitting thing. I’m proud of George. He looks strong and capable, like he knows what he’s doing.

  Once he drinks the blood the guy offers him (he didn’t hesitate at all), his transformation is almost instantaneous. It’s like he was blurry before and now he’s come into focus. New muscles. His hair even seems to fall a little better. Nobody’d describe him as “just a guy” anymore, especially his eyes. They turn almost aquamarine.

  I rush up to be first in line to give him a hug, but this couple steps right in front of me. I didn’t even notice them before, and I can tell by the expression in George
’s face that he doesn’t even know them. The bums. Probably museum visitors. They should have at least let friends go first.

  “George,” the strange guy says. “We’re so proud of you.”

  “We’ve waited for this day for years,” the woman adds.

  “Do I know you?” George looks confused. I am too. They talk like he should know who the heck they are.

  “We’re your parents,” says the guy and buries George in a huge bear hug.

  I swear I nearly fall over, and George looks like he feels the same way. He stares at them both with his mouth wide open after the guy lets him out of the hug. Everyone is dead silent. The woman reaches out a tentative hand (guess she’s not so gung ho as the guy) and touches George’s arm.

  “My parents are dead.” George finally manages to get out.

  “We turned, George. I’m so sorry. We wanted to take you with us, but the VRA wouldn’t let us. You were too young. So we just watched over you as much as we could and nudged Tim into recruiting you when you were old enough.”

  Wow. So that’s what would have happened to me if my parents hadn’t hid me from The Council. Thank God they had the guts to do it. I could have grown up in an orphanage.

  “You left me … to become vampires?” I can see George trying to get a handle on what’s going on. I step up beside him so the absentee parents have to step back or get stepped on. I put an arm around his waist for support. I can’t believe they’re doing this to him right now.

  “We didn’t want to leave you. Please believe us. But they gave us no choice.”

  I just can’t take it anymore. Who the hell do these people think they are? To come in here—today of all days—and expect him to roll over and play good son after not contacting him for years?

  “What’s wrong with you people? What, do you expect him to just give you a big hug and forget that you abandoned him?”

  They look startled and a little guilty. That’s exactly what they were expecting.

  I glare at them. The nerve. “You want to leave, George?”

  “Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, I do.” He turns to get his stuff and say thank you to the old guy who did the ceremony. (I’ve gotta say, he’s got way more politeness in him than I do, especially considering the situation.)

  I step closer to his parents and whisper-hiss at them so George can’t hear. “And you did have a choice. Just ask my parents. They didn’t abandon me. You only thought of yourselves.” Then I grab George’s arm, and we’re out of there before anyone can say anything else or try to stop us.

  “Where do you want to go?”

  “Anywhere. Anywhere but here.”

  We hop in his car, and I drive (thank God Mom taught me how to drive a stick) around aimlessly for a while. George doesn’t say anything at all. I wind up near the beach, so I park the car. It’s a great place to think. The sound of the waves drowns out pretty much everything other than your own thoughts.

  I pop some sunglasses on George so his newly sensitive eyes won’t flip out and drag him down near the edge of the water. He doesn’t bother taking off his shoes or anything, just sits down and stares at the waves.

  “I can’t believe it,” he says. “They’re still alive. All those years … ” He takes my hand and squeezes it between both of his. I just squeeze back and don’t complain about any squished fingers. “Did they ever think about what it must be like for me? All that time, just bouncing from one foster family to another? Some of them were bad. Really bad. How could they have done this to me?”

  “I don’t know.” I can’t think of anything else to say that wouldn’t be stupid. I can’t imagine how he feels or how they could have done what they did. This like tops the sucky cake.

  My parents could have done the same thing to me. They could have been traveling the world all these years or whatever it was that George’s parents have been doing. They gave up their lives for me. Sure, The Council finally caught up with them, but they aren’t completely caving in to their demands. They’d fight for me if I didn’t turn. They’d never just abandon me like George’s parents did to him.

  We sit there holding hands, not saying a word, until the sun goes all the way down. Then he drives me home and heads back to his apartment. I hope his parents aren’t hiding out there.

  Mom just asks me if George is okay when I come in. Doesn’t say a word about how long we disappeared or how I didn’t call or anything. I tell her I don’t know, but he seems pretty messed up.

  She nods, and I just go on up to bed. What else is there to do?

  It isn’t until around midnight that it occurs to me that we’re supposed to go to the prom tomorrow. It seems kind of stupid now. I can’t imagine that he’d want to go after the day he’s had today. Poor George. It kind of depresses me to think of not going, but I’ve got to be a big girl and think of George first. It’s not every day you find out your parents aren’t dead, that they just abandoned you.

  26

  I finally finish my Dracula paper. I needed something to do to keep my mind off of the whole George-prom-suckiness. Besides, it’s due on Tuesday, the day before my project with Nathan (I don’t know what Ms. Tweeter was thinking).

  It isn’t my best work (hey, I’ve been just a bit preoccupied), but it’ll do. What I really want to write about is how unfairly vampires are portrayed in the book. I mean, they’re all evil in there. But I bet if you told this story from the point of view of the Count, you’d get a whole different perspective. He’s just trying to, you know, live or whatever you call it when you’re undead, and gather a little family for company through all the long, long years. And then old Van Helsing has to go butting into things. And all these half-crazed guys digging up stuff and carrying on with torches and stakes and things. It’s enough to drive any vampire crazy.

  Mina Hamilton

  Tweeter / 6th Period

  And so, in summary, I believe that Bram Stoker has done a real disservice not only to women, but also to vampires. Whereas the only compliment a woman receives (to Mina, from the all-knowing Van Helsing) throughout the whole book is that she has a “man’s brain” and historically “womanly qualities” of reticence and humility fall to Lucy, a poor, pitiful excuse for a human being (who MUST be killed, once she obtains some semblance of self-confidence).

  There’s also Mr. Stoker’s treatment of the female vampires. Described as wanton, lascivious, and in other lusty terms, Mr. Stoker is equating women’s sexuality with evilness. Even Lucy is described in sexual terms once she has been turned, even though the girl had more suitors than she knew what to do with before she became a vampire. Poor Mina, however, isn’t described as sexual at all, except when attacked by Dracula and held tight to his breast in her nightclothes. The rest of the time, she behaves practically like a man. And what does she get for that? She’s left out of their confidence (almost to her doom). The men in this book plain don’t trust women.

  Only Dracula has respect for Mina, which is why he went after her. He also went after her to attack the men where it would hurt them the most, but have you ever wondered why all of his converts seem to be female? Well, other than the demented Renfield, but he was just a way in to get to Mina.

  But I think that the most telling thing that Stoker refuses to recognize is the Count’s desire for family. He takes care of the three women vampires as if they were his children (by feeding them kids, but still, it shows that he cares) and he admits to the men that he wants to convert Mina so that she will become part of his “family.” Family is what’s important in the end.

  27

  As soon as I can reasonably assume that Serena is awake—which is fairly early, considering it is the day of the prom and she’s been in a tizzy all week—I give her a call to warn her that George and I are probably not going to go.

  She wants to know if we got into a fight or if I did something stupid. (Hello? Thanks for the vote of confidence.) So I explain the whole thing, thankful at least that I don’t have to lie anymore. I’d really be hard-pre
ssed to explain things if she didn’t know about the whole vampire situation.

  “Wow,” she says once I’ve got the whole story out.

  “Yeah, wow,” I say. It’s like some crazy vampire soap opera or something. Next thing you know, Uncle Mortie’s old flame will pop up or someone will discover they have an evil twin or go racing off a cliff in a tiny little sports car. Who knows.

  “Well, you sure you don’t want to go even if George doesn’t? It’s your prom too.”

  “I just wouldn’t feel right. And besides, what am I going to do, sit around and watch you and Nathan swarm all over each other all night? I’ll be fine.”

  “Okay, just call me if anything changes. Love ya.”

  I try calling George. No answer on either his home phone or his cell, which is pretty much what I expected. If I were him, I’d probably have pulled my phone out of the wall and shut off the cell.

  I don’t know what to do now. I’d had this whole day of prom prep planned, but it seems kind of useless now. I head over to the kitchen and put some cinnamon Pop-Tarts in the toaster. I could actually live off of these things, if Mom would let me.

  Mom comes in to refill her coffee. “Heard anything from George today?”

  “Nope.”

  “I’m sure he’ll be fine, once he works it all out in his head. It’s just such a shame.” I nod and keep working on my Pop-Tart. They’re best when you eat them piping hot.

  “We talked with his parents for a little while.”

  “You did?” I snort in disapproval. The jerks. I’d be happy if I never saw them again.

  “Yes. They aren’t bad people, honey. At the time, they felt they had no other choice. They didn’t have someone like your Uncle Mortie to egg them on, and they definitely weren’t flying under the radar like your father and I were. We were lucky they didn’t discover you years ago. I know that’s no excuse, but try not to condemn them too much.”

  “Easy for you to say. George is a wreck.”