Tape

by Camden,Steven

  The hum of silence rolls out then the play button snaps up as the tape ends. Ameliah stares at the speaker, feeling her nose twitch as her eyes fill with tears. She feels Joe’s shoulder against hers.

  — Pretty crazy, right?

  He blows air from his mouth.

  — He was nearly eighteen when he made that. We both were.

  Ameliah looks up at Joe and sees him deep in thought. She wipes her eyes with the back of her sleeve.

  — So you were close?

  Joe looks at her.

  — Yeah, kind of.

  He nods a smile.

  — I can make you a copy if you like, give it to you next time?

  Ameliah gets a flash of lying on her bed in the old house, Dad lying on his back next to her, reading aloud from his old Book of the Unexplained.

  — Yeah. Please.

  She can still hear the voice in her head. She tries to picture Dad younger, but older than she is now. Joe rests his hand on her shoulder.

  — We’ve got lots to talk about.

  He smiles and Ameliah feels surprised that she’s happy his hand is on her. This man she doesn’t really know, who’s a link to Dad, and then it hits her. The voice. It isn’t just familiar because it’s Dad, she’s heard it before, through older speakers.

  — I’ve gotta go.

  She turns towards the door. Joe moves his hand.

  — Oh, OK, yeah, course you do. Your friend, right?

  Ameliah looks up at him, her mind dancing with her realisation.

  — What? No, I mean yeah. Bye, Joe.

  She reaches the door then turns back.

  — And thanks.

  Joe stands there.

  — No problem. Listen, I was thinking that maybe you’d like to come over one night, for food or something? We could watch a John Wayne, you know? You could bring your nan too?

  His face is hopeful. Ameliah smiles.

  — Yeah. That sounds nice.

  The American-style restaurant bustled with the early afternoon rush. Waiters and waitresses wore 1950s-style outfits with red and white striped shirts and white rectangle hats at an angle on their heads.

  Ryan stared at his milkshake and felt the smooth shell in his pocket with his thumb. He pictured Eve, smiling as she looked at it. Nathan slurped his chocolate shake loudly. Sophia shook her head as she watched him. Dad smiled at the large burger in his hands.

  — Hello, beautiful.

  Sophia smiled at Dad as they looked at each other.

  She ran her finger down the list of songs in the jukebox menu against the wall.

  — Oh, they’ve got The Bangles. Mike, have you got change?

  Dad closed his eyes as he sunk his teeth into his burger.

  Nathan dug his fingers into his glass, wiping the chocolate ice cream from the sides. Ryan looked towards the kitchen as a waiter with a heavy rectangular body turned round. He felt his stomach drop as he recognised Deano from the beach. He ducked his head down.

  — What are you doing?

  Nathan licked his fingers. Ryan kept his hand low and pointed towards the kitchen. Nathan turned round. Ryan saw his chest deflate as he spotted Deano. Nathan turned back to him.

  — What’s he doing here?

  Ryan stayed low.

  — He must work here. What do we do?

  Nathan’s left eye twitched.

  — Nothing.

  — What do you do about what? What are you two up to?

  Sophia looked at them both.

  — Who are you hiding from, Ryan?

  Ryan felt Nathan kick him in the shins.

  — Yeah, Ryan, get up, man.

  Ryan looked over at Deano as he carried a tray stacked with baskets of food, his thick shoulders stretching the stripes of his shirt. Sophia followed his eyes.

  — Do you two know that boy?

  Ryan looked down. Nathan rolled his eyes.

  — Have you been making friends?

  She smiled at Dad.

  — I think our boys have been making friends with the locals.

  Dad laid his burger back on to his plate and looked across the restaurant.

  — He’s a big lad, isn’t he? How old is he? Did you guys meet in the arcade?

  — We don’t know him.

  Nathan’s voice is stern. He looks at Ryan.

  — Do we, Ryan?

  Ryan sits up.

  — No, we don’t. Who are we looking at?

  Dad stuck out his arm.

  — Him there, the big lad.

  Ryan batted it down.

  — What are you doing, Ryan?

  — Don’t point, Dad! I mean it’s rude to point, right?

  Sophia stared at him. Dad leaned forward, his elbows on the table.

  — What’s going on?

  Ryan looked at Nathan. Nathan’s eyes said no.

  Ryan looked back at Dad.

  — Nothing.

  Dad’s eyes narrowed.

  — Did that boy give you trouble, Ryan?

  Ryan glanced at Nathan. Dad followed his eyes.

  — He gave you trouble, Nath?

  Nathan looked at Dad.

  — Nah, not me, not at all.

  Dad smiled a controlled smile.

  — What did he do? You can tell me, Nathan.

  Nathan looked at Sophia.

  — He didn’t do anything. Mom, tell him.

  Sophia looked at Dad then back at Nathan.

  — Tell Michael what he did, Nathan.

  Nathan rubbed his face with his hands.

  — He hit him. On the beach. In the stomach.

  Ryan felt the words jump out of his mouth. Nathan stared at him.

  — Good one, squealer.

  — He hit you? Nathan? Did that boy hit you?

  Sophia leaned forward. Dad’s face changed.

  — He looks at least eighteen. When did he hit you?

  — I dunno.

  Nathan shook his head. Ryan looked at Dad.

  — It was the day before yesterday, on the beach.

  Nathan glared at Ryan. Dad stood up. Everyone looked at him.

  — What are you doing, Michael?

  Sophia seemed confused.

  — Yeah, Dad, what are you doing?

  Dad stared across the room.

  — If he’s picking on younger boys, maybe he needs a taste of his own medicine.

  Nathan looked worried. Ryan stared at Dad.

  — Don’t, Dad. Sit down, please.

  Sophia looked at Dad.

  — Yeah, Michael, please sit down. Let’s find out what happened.

  Dad stared across the room at Deano.

  — We heard what happened, Sophia. That massive lump of a boy hit Nathan. I think somebody should have a word with him.

  Ryan could feel the tingle of fear mixed with excitement. Nathan looked at him and Ryan could tell he was feeling the same.

  Dad pushed Ryan along the seat and on to his feet then started across the room.

  — Michael, please!

  Sophia gritted her teeth.

  — Ryan, Nathan, do something!

  Ryan and Nathan watched Dad work his way between tables of people towards Deano. It felt like a film.

  Sophia started to breathe heavily.

  — Nathan!

  Nathan stared across the room, transfixed. Sophia grabbed his arm.

  — Nathan Joseph McKenzie, you get up and stop him right now!

  Ryan watched Dad tap Deano on the shoulder. Deano turned to face him. Dad was slightly taller, even with Deano’s hat, but clearly not as heavy. A woman at the table next to him looked angry. Dad started talking, his hands moving in front of his face. He pointed back towards them and Deano looked over. Ryan and Nathan looked down.

  Deano shrugged and turned away from Dad. Dad pulled his shoulder, spinning him back round. Deano shrugged Dad’s hand off and pushed him in the chest. Dad stumbled backwards, knocking into an old man eating a hot dog, who looked up and started shouting at Dad. Dad steadied hims
elf, breathed deeply, then charged at Deano, ramming into him, sending them both on to the floor.

  Sophia screamed.

  — Michael!

  Nathan shrugged off her hand and jumped out of his seat and started to run over. Ryan glanced at Sophia, her face pale with shock. He jumped up and followed Nathan.

  Dad and Deano were wrestling on the floor, tangled like two sharks. People were standing up at their tables, watching; a few voices were shouting. A baby started to cry.

  For a second Ryan felt himself float up above the scene and look down on it. He looked at Nathan. Nathan’s eyes were dancing.

  Two burly men in chef’s clothes waded in and started to pull Dad and Deano apart; somebody booed loudly. Dad’s lip was split as he was pulled away. Deano’s face was red and dripping with sweat.

  Ryan felt his mouth open wide as he stared at Dad. Dad was looking straight at Nathan, breathing heavily. Ryan looked across at Nathan. Nathan was staring back at Dad, his eyes still completely charged.

  Ameliah stares through the scratched plastic window of the tape deck. The familiar hiss of static leaks out as she sits cross-legged on her bed, leaning in, waiting for the voice.

  — It’s different now, you know?

  She closes her eyes and smiles as she hears him speak through old plastic and metal.

  The room feels hazy from the late-afternoon light through the window. Ameliah presses rewind then stop and play again. Repeating the cycle for the twelfth time.

  — It’s different now, you know?

  She feels her smile getting wider as his voice speaks again. She bangs on her knee with her balled fist.

  — I knew it was you.

  — Knew it was who?

  Ameliah turns to the door. Heather stands with one hand on her hip, a stern look on her face.

  — Knew it was who, Am?

  Ameliah looks back at the stereo then at Heather.

  — Him.

  Heather steps into the room.

  — Who? Where were you? Why didn’t you answer your phone? I waited, you know, like an idiot.

  Her face is flushed. Ameliah bites her bottom lip and glances at the mobile phone she dropped on the floor when she got back.

  — I’m sorry, I got—

  — Distracted, yeah, I figured. It’s pretty shitty, Am.

  — Something happened.

  The hiss of static sounds like breathing then the stereo speaks.

  — I miss you.

  Heather looks shocked. She stares at the stereo.

  — Who’s that?

  Ameliah looks at her.

  — It’s my dad.

  — It’s me. Ryan. No, I’m in Devon. Devon, near the sea. No, I know, sorry, there wasn’t enough time, they just sprung it on us. Yeah. Tomorrow, in the afternoon. It took us so long to drive down here. It’s all right. Some crazy stuff’s happened though. Like, I dunno, my dad fighting an eighteen year old maybe? I’m serious. In a diner, yeah, in front of everyone. I know, it was for Nathan. Just some knobs giving us grief on the beach, it doesn’t matter. Man, he fully charged this kid, like Gladiators or something, bam, knocking over tables and stuff. You should’ve seen people’s faces. Sophia proper pooed her pants.

  Nath? That’s the thing, yeah, he loved it. I don’t think he thought Dad was capable of doing something like that, you know? I think he thought Dad was just some pushover, I dunno, maybe he was charged by the sea air or something. He was buzzing for hours after. Not Dad, Nathan. Are you listening? Trust me, it was nuts. Look, I’ll tell you when I get home. What you been doing? What? In your house? Again? Did you speak to her?

  What did you say? Tell me you didn’t say anything stupid. Hold on, no, it’s the phone, I’ve gotta put another 20p in. Can you hear me? Yeah, so what did you say? Liam, I know you, there’s no way on this earth you said nothing. OK, and that’s it? All right, sorry, no, I’m not gonna say that, this is costing me— I am sorry for doubting Big L. He is the supreme master. Shut up, that’s enough.

  We should get back before four. Yeah, come to mine. Yeah. Wicked. It’s been OK, weirdly. Yeah. Seriously, I mean he’s still a bit of a knob, but, I dunno, he’s all right, kind of. Look, it’s beeping again and I’ve run out of change, I’ll call you when we get ho—

  — So he did know your dad?

  Heather scoops ice cream from the tub in her lap as she sits on the floor next to the bed. Ameliah reaches her arm down from the bed and takes a spoonful.

  — Yeah, I think they were pretty good friends. He was at my mom’s funeral. He played me this tape that my dad made for him, like a compilation, when they were teenagers and stuff – that’s how I knew the voice – it was pretty cool.

  Heather looks at her.

  — Look at you.

  — What?

  — You’re buzzing.

  Ameliah looks at the stereo.

  Heather speaks through a mouthful of ice cream.

  — No, it’s good. I’m just saying, I haven’t seen you this excited for a bit.

  She looks at the shoeboxes of tapes.

  — Your dad loved his tapes, eh?

  Ameliah licks her spoon clean.

  — Yeah.

  — So what’s he like, old Joey?

  Ameliah pictures Joe, hopping across the room to put on the music, the unpacked boxes, the odd socks.

  — He’s all right. Kinda weird.

  Heather takes another scoop.

  — Good weird? Or just weird weird?

  Ameliah stares at her stretched face in the back of her spoon.

  — Good weird. I like him. He’s a scientist.

  — Like your dad?

  — Yeah, kind of, not really, he does nanoscience.

  Heather’s face goes blank. Ameliah holds up her free hand, squeezing her thumb and index finger together.

  — It’s all about really, really, really small stuff.

  — Like what? Sand?

  Ameliah laughs.

  — Smaller, microscopic.

  Heather scrunches up her face. There’s ice cream on her chin.

  — And that’s his job?

  — Yeah, well, his research.

  — So he’s a nerd?

  Ameliah grins.

  — Yeah. The highest order of nerd.

  She points at Heather and smiles.

  — Nice beard.

  She watches Heather feel her chin, wipe away the ice cream with her fingers then lick them clean.

  — You know he had a stepbrother.

  — What?

  — My dad, he had a stepbrother that he never mentioned. They didn’t speak, some big falling-out before I was born.

  — That’s crazy.

  Heather scrapes the last of the ice cream from the tub.

  — Although my mom only found out last Christmas that she had a sister living in Germany.

  — You serious?

  — Yeah, half-sister or stepsister or whatever. Her dad was in the army and, well, you know. I’m telling ya, Am, our parents.

  Downstairs, the phone rings. Ameliah looks at the door. Heather holds her stomach.

  — I think maybe I ate too much.

  Ameliah looks at her and smiles.

  — You think?

  She lies down on her back, looking up at the ceiling. Heather does the same on the floor. Downstairs, Nan answers the phone.

  Everybody wants you to talk, get stuff out. You should say what you’re thinking, Ameliah, tell me what you’re feeling, but only when it suits them. When they’ve carved out a slice of their time to dedicate to you, you’re supposed to turn on the tap and just let it all out, then, when time’s up, they go on with their lives and you’re supposed to just sit in all the crap and sadness you just spewed out.

  What If I don’t want to talk right now? What if I want to talk at midnight? What if I don’t feel like spilling my guts then going for a Big Mac?

  I should’ve listened to you, Dad. This makes so much more sense.

  I remember so much
. So many moments, but whenever I try to talk, it’s like all that comes out are the bad ones.

  I’m sitting in the hospital hallway. It smells like school and the lights are hurting my eyes and it’s late. Nan brings a hot chocolate back from the machine and we both sit and pretend that it tastes nice and stare at the door and wait and the lady doctor comes out and her face can’t work out what expression to pull and she looks at me and then at Nan and her mouth closes and her lips squash together and for a second it looks like she’s got no mouth and Nan leans forward and closes her eyes and I need to hear her say it before I believe it, but I don’t want her to speak and I try not to picture you, inside, on your bed, your face all yellow, the bones of your skull, but I can’t help it and I can’t cry, I can’t cry because I can’t breathe, cos if I breathe I know I’m gonna throw up.

  I know why, Dad, why you went. I know you fought for as long as you did for me. I see that and I’m grateful.

  I picture you both now. Like you wanted. Like she wanted.

  It’s getting better. I mean I don’t mean that. I mean it’s changing. I can feel it.

  I don’t want to be treated like a baby. I don’t need tucking in at night.

  I just want to feel like things can still happen.

  — I’m telling you, man, you have to watch it. I’ll come with you and see it again. It’s that good.

  Liam pushed a whole handful of crinkle-cut crisps into his mouth at once, sitting in Ryan’s desk chair.

  — And you actually see the dinosaurs?

  Ryan pulled open his wardrobe door and looked at himself topless in the mirror. Liam crunched crisps with an open mouth.

  — See them? They’re unbelievable! I’ve never seen special effects like that. There’s this one bit where the guy is on the toilet, yeah, and the T-Rex comes, all angry and that, and, man, I don’t wanna spoil it for you, but he eats him, like bang, straight in half, and his legs are hanging and what do you mean, like a mixtape?

  — Yeah, but with my voice on there too, in between songs.

  Ryan pulled the black T-shirt over his head and stared at himself in the mirror.

  — This one looks good, right?

  Liam reached into his packet again.

  — You mean saying stuff?