by Mike Sherer
beat!cops,!the!pair!worked!Three6Charlie!in!East,!which!meant!
they! covered! the! Charlie! sector! of! East! Precinct! during! third!
watch.!I!didn’t!think!Charlie!appreciated!the!irony!of!working!
Charlie! sector! half! as! much! as! I! did.! The! two! cops! had! been!
friends! since! Downing! had! been! a! rookie,! partly! because! of!
their! shared! experience! in! Iraq—Downing’s! tour,! though,!
during!the!war!started!by!“W,”!Charlie’s!courtesy!of!Bush!the!
Elder.!!!
!
Charlie!waved!me!over,!a!magnanimous!gesture!from!him.!
Jones! had! been! one! of! my! buddies! in! college,! a! fraternity!
brother!at!UW.!Pre6law!as!an!undergrad,!he!dropped!out!senior!
year!to!enlist!in!the!army!shortly!after!Iraq!invaded!Kuwait.!By!
the!time!they!launched!Desert!Storm,!Charlie!was!trained!and!
ready.!He!happily!shipped!out!to!serve!his!country,!the!allure!
for! Charlie! “giving! those! camel! jockeys! a! wake6up! call.”! After!
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his! tour,! he! went! back! to! school! but! switched! majors! to!
criminology!and!became!a!cop!instead!of!a!lawyer.!
!
We’d! drifted! apart! over! the! years.! For! a! while! we! half6
heartedly!kept!in!touch,!but!by!then!I!had!a!wife!and!kid,!and!
Charlie’s! career! took! him! a! different! direction.! I! stood! up! for!
him!at!his!wedding.!He!came!to!a!couple!of!Christmas!parties!
Molly!and!I!threw!when!we!were!still!married.!Otherwise,!we!
didn’t!have!much!contact.!
!
That! had! changed! when! I! took! over! the! paper! route.! Our!
paths! tended! to! cross! more.! Literally,! since! we! worked! the!
same!shift!in!the!same!area!of!Capitol!Hill.!And!a!few!months!
earlier!I’d!found!myself!at!odds!with!SPD!over!several!murders,!
including! a! sweet! nonagenarian! friend! of! mine.! Investigators!
thought! I’d! committed! them;! I! didn’t.! Loyal! to! the! badge,!
Charlie! sided! with! SPD.! Until! the! truth! came! out.! But! Charlie!
had!always!been!quick!to!form!an!opinion!and!stick!to!it.!
!
A! few! inches! shy! of! six! feet,! with! an! athletic! build! he’d!
managed! to! keep! trim! over! the! years,! Charlie! had! always!
seemed!big!to!me.!Something!about!the!way!he!carried!himself,!
along! with! that! unerring! self6assurance! that! he! was! always!
right,! inflated! his! presence,! giving! the! impression! he! took! up!
more!space!than!he!really!did.!And!as!I!approached!him!now,!I!
realized!the!passing!years!had!done!little!to!change!him!other!
than!salt!his!temples!with!gray!and!add!character!to!his!boyish!
face.!
!
“Buy!you!coffee?”!Charlie!said.!He!was!still!trying!to!make!
amends.!
!
His!voice!sounded!as!if!it!had!dug!its!way!through!several!
layers!of!cotton!by!the!time!it!reached!my!auditory!nerves.!The!
rumble! of! tympani! that! had! accompanied! me! since! the! gas!
explosion!made!my!head!ache.!
!
“Hey,! Charlie.”! I! eased! into! a! chair! and! nodded! to! Craig.!
“Officer* Downing.”! The! pair! had! been! sitting! a! while! judging!
from!the!amount!of!coffee!remaining!in!their!cups.!
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!
Downing! grimaced.! “Morning,! Legs.! I’m! off! duty,!
remember?”!
!
I! gave! him! a! tight6lipped! smile! at! the! mention! of! the! old!
nickname.!I!wasn’t!feeling!all!that!sociable!after!the!morning!I’d!
had.! I’d! always! hated! to! lose,! and! though! grateful! beyond!
words!for!being!upright!and!breathing!I!still!couldn’t!figure!out!
how!I’d!lost!Donato.!
!
Charlie! ran! his! fingers! through! wiry! hair! that! was! only! a!
tad!longer!than!a!military!cut.!“You!work!at!the!restaurant!last!
night?”!
!
The!paper!route!barely!covered!rent!and!utilities.!I!washed!
dishes!at!a!Mexican!restaurant!on!weekends.!“No,!why?”!
!
He!shrugged.!“You!look!more!beat!than!usual.!You!okay?”!
!
Reluctantly,!I!related!the!early!morning!incident!that!had!
thrown!me!off!my!normal!routine.!
!
Charlie’s!eyebrows!arched.!“So! you’re!the!big!hero.!Heard!
the!call!come!over!the!radio.”!
!
“You’d!have!done!the!same.”!
!
“Not!hardly.!They!don’t!pay!us!enough.”!!
!
Downing!drained!his!cup,!then!tipped!and!rolled!it,!eyeing!
the!inside!to!see!if!any!coffee!had!somehow!eluded!him.!
!
Charlie! eyed! him! briefly,! and! changed! the! set! of! his! jaw.!
“The!old!man!make!it?”!
!
I! swallowed! hard,! a! video! replay! of! the! fireball! running!
though!my!head.!“No.”!
!
Charlie! held! my! gaze! and! finally! nodded.! “Tough! break.! I!
know!you!did!what!you!could.”!!
!
Downing! set! his! cup! down,! cleared! his! throat! and! stood.!
“I’m!heading!home.”!
!
“Okay,!partner.!Be!safe!out!there.”!Charlie!idly!toyed!with!
his!cup,!tearing!little!pieces!off!the!lip!as!he!watched!Downing!
leave.!“He’s!a!good!kid.”!!
!
“Hardly!a!kid,!but!definitely!a!good!guy.”!
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!
Charlie! swung! his! graying! head! my! way! like! an! old! ram.!
“You’re! still! coming! next! weekend,! right?”! He! saw! my!
hesitation.!“Memorial!Day?!Cookout!with!my!folks?!Any!of!this!
ring!a!bell?”!
!
“Oh,!right.!Sure,!I’ll!be!there.”!!
!
He! frowned.! “You! better! be.! I! swear! I’ll! go! nuts! if! I! don’t!
have!someone!to!talk!besides!my!old!man.!Christ,!you!have!the!
attention!span!of!a!minnow.!Write!it!down,!will!you?”!
!
“Lay!off,!Charlie!!I!don’t!have!to!write!down! every thing.!I’ll!
remember,!okay?”!
!
I!didn’t!see!dead!people.!I!wasn’t!a!vampire.!Or!a!zombie6
hunter.!I!wasn’t!a!dream!catcher,!and!I!couldn’t!cast!spells!or!
work!magic.!I!didn’t!have!a!physical!deformity!or!disability—
unless!you!count!being!just!shy!of!six6foot6nine.!I!didn’t!have!a!
readily! identifiable! condition.! I! didn’t! blurt! out! obscenities,!
bark!like!a!dog!or!stutter!and!tic!like!someone!with!Tourette’s.!
I! wasn’t! narcoleptic,! though! I! sometimes! wished! I! could! fall!
asleep!that!easily.!I!didn’t!smell!colors!or!hear!emotions!like!a!
synesthete.!I!couldn’t!claim!the!wild!mood!swings!of!a!manic6
depressive,! but! wouldn’t! have! been! surprised! if! a! shrink!
categorized!me!as!mildly!bi6polar.!Who!isn’t?!!
!
What! I! had! was! a! little! more! insidious! and! pervasive.! A!
disorder! hard! to! diagnose! accurately! and! so! loosely! defined!
lots!of!folks!scoffed!at!the!suggestion!it!was!real!or!debilitating.
!
Most! people! thought! pediatricians! and! child! psychologists!
made! it! up! to! help! parents! and! teachers! get! better! control! of!
energetic!or!unruly!kids.!Adults!who!have!it!were!dismissed!as!
whiners! who! just! wanted! a! convenient! excuse! for! bad!
behavior.!But!brain!scans!didn’t!lie.!
!
Many! of! us! with! ADHD! appeared! perfectly! normal.! Even!
the! symptoms! of! our! disorder—inattention,! impatience,!
inability!to!finish!tasks,!chronic!lateness,!disorganization,!risk6
taking—were! all! within! the! realm! of! normal! behavior! taken!
individually! or! even! in! small! clusters.! People! who! witnessed!
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my! tendencies! to! interrupt! conversations,! make! nonsensical!
statements!or!appear!not!to!be!listening!just!found!me!rude!or!
arrogant.!They!didn’t!suspect!an!underlying!organic!flaw!in!my!
brain!circuitry,!a!chemical!imbalance,!a!comparatively!smaller!
mass! of! gray! cells! in! the! parietal! cortex.! Why! should! they?! I!
was!just!like!them!in!most!ways.!Sort!of.!
!
So! I! forgot! things! occasionally.! Which! is! why! I! kept! lists.!
Even! then,! I! forgot! things.! But! Charlie! could! have! given! me! a!
break!since!I’d!almost!been!blown!up!a!few!hours!earlier.!
!
“Babs!will!be!there,!won’t!she?”!I!said,!lightening!my!tone!
some!to!alleviate!the!tension.!
!
“Sure,!but!she’ll!be!making!girl!talk!with!Connie.!I!need!a!
buffer!between!me!and!Clayt.”!
!
Charlie’s! use! of! his! parents’! first! names! sounded!
discourteous,! even! cheeky.! Manners! had! been! my! mother’s!
bailiwick,!but!my!father!had!insisted!on!respect,!which!meant!
using!titles!when!addressing!one’s!elders.!My!father!had!been!
“Sir”!most!of!the!time,!“Dad”!some!of!the!time,!and!someone!I!
still!feared,!though!he’d!been!dead!for!more!than!twenty!years.!
Charlie’s!parents!were!aging!hippies!who’d!treated!Charlie!and!
his! sister! Sarah! more! like! miniature! adults! than! children!
growing! up.! They’d! called! their! parents! by! name! since! they!
could!talk.!
!
“And!Craig…?”!I!said.!
!
“Has! family! obligations,”! he! finished! for! me.! “And! no,! I!
don’t!have!any!other!buddies!on!the!force!that!are!free.”!
!
“So!you’re!stuck!with!me.”!
!
His! face! lightened.! “Bring! Molly.! Then! we’ll! have! an! even!
number!of!guys!and!girls.”!
!
The!thought!tempted!me.!My!ex6wife!could!beguile!an!Inuit!
out!of!a!sealskin!coat.!“You!know!that!dog!won’t!hunt,!Charlie.!
Besides,!I’m!sure!she’s!busy.!She’s!a!popular!girl.”!
!
“How!do!you!know!unless!you!ask?”!
!
My!resolve!wilted!under!his!stare.!“Fine.!I’ll!ask.”!
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!
“Good.”!He!swept!the!bits!of!paper!strewn!on!the!table!into!
his!empty!cup!with!his!hand!and!got!to!his!feet.!“I’m!heading!
out.”!
!
He! left! me! alone! nursing! a! bitter! cup! of! burnt! coffee,! old!
memories,! creeping! exhaustion! and! a! sense! of! gratitude! for!
whichever! Fates! had! conspired! to! delimit! flying! glass! and!
flames!to!the!night!air,!not!flesh.!
!
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!
!
Chapter&4&
!
!
A! figure! sat! on! the! stoop! of! the! house! in! Madison! Valley!
where! I! lived,! lowered! head! resting! on! knees! hugged! tightly!
together,!face!obscured.!Gravity!pulled!the!straight!short!blond!
hair!down!toward!the!blue6jeaned!thighs!so!it!splayed!out!like!
a!dust!mop.!A!Raggedy!Andy!gargoyle!guarding!the!entrance.!I!
didn’t!believe!in!ghosts.!What!haunted!me!in!the!dead!of!night!
were! memories,! emotions! unexpressed,! thoughts! left! unsaid.!
Those! bitter! siblings,! regret! and! remorse,! whispering! in! my!
ear.!Ice!water!ran!down!my!spine!and!filled!the!hollow!space!in!
my!chest,!making!me!wonder!if!I!should!rethink!my!beliefs.!
!
“Cole?”!I!wasn’t!sure!I!actually!spoke!the!word!aloud.!
!
The! shaggy! head! rose.! A! delicate! hand! brushed! aside! the!
fringe,!revealing!the!face!of!an!attractive!doe6eyed!woman!with!
a! heart6shaped! mouth.! Ann,! not! Andy.! A! pixie! face,! like!
Twiggy’s! or! Hepburn’s—Audrey,! not! Kate—that! didn’t! come!
close! to! resembling! Cole’s.! A! burning! sensation! erupted! from!
the!raw,!red!scar!that!remained!where!he’d!been!ripped!out!of!
my!life.!
!
The! pain! turned! to! sudden! annoyance,! anger! directed! at!
the!elfin!lawn!jockey!perched!on!the!porch.!For!a!brief!moment!
she’d! made! me! think! Cole! had! pulled! off! a! trick! no! one’s!
managed!for!a!couple!thousand!years.!I!rubbed!the!back!of!my!
neck.!The!early!morning!blast!must!have!rattled!a!screw!loose!
to!make!me!see!ghosts!like!that.!The!woman’s!large!blue!eyes!
flitted! over! my! face! impassively,! perhaps! mirroring! the!
exhaustion! that! always! hit! me! around! that! time! of! day! like! a!
leg6whipped! roller! derby! queen.! Life! flickered! in! their!
Caribbean! depths! like! silvery! fish,! and! the! corners! of! her!
mouth!softened.!She!didn’t!smile,!but!she!looked!less!grim.!
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!
“Blake!Sanders?”!Her!voice!didn’t!match!her!appearance.!It!
sounded!deeper!than!I!expected,!carrying!more!timbre.!
!
A!process!server,!maybe.!Who!else!would!camp!out!on!my!
doorstep! at! such! an! early! hour?! Some! customer! intended! to!
sue,! no! doubt,! because! I! hadn’t! placed! his! paper! in! the! right!
spot,! causing! him! emotional! distress.! I! looked! for! signs! of!
paper! near! her! hands.! They! were! empty,! devoid! of! even!
jewelry.! She! pressed! them! on! her! knees! and! rose! to! her! feet.!
Standing!on!the!second!step!gave!her!a!height!advantage!over!
me,!slight!but!reassuring,!her!stance!said.!
!
I!stopped!short.!“And!you!are!…?”!
!
“Keely! Radcliffe.”! She! said! it! with! the! kind! of! off6handed!
ease! of! someone! used! to! getting! what! she! wanted,! someone!
accustomed! to! directing! traffic—household! retainers,! maybe,!
or!office!staff.!!
!
“I’m! sorry.! Who?”! She! repeated! the! name.! It! meant! no!
more!to!me!the!second!time,!but!the!repetition!might!help!me!
remember!it.!“Whatever!you’re!selling,!I'm!not!buying.”!
!
“Please.!I!just!need!a!moment!of!your!time.”!
!
I!waved!her!off!and!cut!across!the!grass!toward!the!walk!
by! the! side! of! the! house.! Technically,! the! doorstep! and! the!
house! that! went! with! it! be
longed! to! Peter! Stabler! and! his!
partner! Chance! Reno.! I! rented! the! in6law! apartment! below!
them,!the!entrance!around!the!back.!
!
“I!really!need!to!talk!to!you,”!the!woman!said,!louder!this!
time! and! with! a! hint! of! plaintiveness,! the! pitch! of! her! voice!
rising.!
!
“I! don’t! need! to! talk! to! you,”! I! said! over! my! shoulder.! “I!
need!sleep.”!!
!
The!concept!of!eight!hours!of!uninterrupted!sleep,!a!visit!
from!the!Sandman,!a!mid6winter’s!(or!mid6spring’s)!nap,!some!
shut6eye,!rest!and!repose,!a!little!Rip!Van!Winkle,!presented!a!
paradigm!about!as!real!as!life!in!a!Norman!Rockwell!painting.!
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People! who! work! the! night! shift! would! give! eyeteeth—hell,!
their!first6born!children—for!a!decent!snooze.!!
!
“It’s! important,”! she! called.! She! stood! her! ground,! either!
not!desperate!enough!or!too!proud!to!follow!me.!Or!beg.!
!
“Can’t!be!more!important!than!my!date!with!a!pillow.”!
!
My! headache! threatened! to! morph! into! a! migraine,! and!
stiffness! had! settled! into! various! extremities! from! the! rough!
landing!in!the!bushes!earlier.!Through!the!ringing!in!my!ears!I!
heard!my!bed!calling!my!name.!
!
She! said! two! words! that! changed! everything.! “Perry!
Langford.”!
!
I! stopped! and! faced! her,! wondering! if! she! saw! the! palsy!
shaking!my!knees!as!if!they!were!made!of!Jell6O.!“What!about!
him?”!
!
“He’s!out.”!
!
I!braced!myself!as!the!words!torpedoed!the!concrete!wall!
repressing! all! those! memories,! waited! for! the! flood! I’d! never!
confronted.!Only!a!rivulet!of!muddy!guilt!trickled!through!the!
hole!cratered!by!her!bomb.!Too!much!water!over!that!dam!in!
twenty!years.!There!wasn’t!much!left!except!silty!recollections.!
!
“That’s!nice.”!I!started!to!turn!away.!
!
“I!don’t!think!he!did!it.”!!
!
I! cocked! my! head.! “Twenty6plus! years?! That! probably!
doesn’t!mean!a!whole!lot!to!him!now.”!I!shrugged.!“I’m!happy!
for!him.!I!hope!he!makes!a!life!for!himself.”!
!
She!stepped!off!the!porch!and!pushed!an!unruly!strand!of!
hair!out!of!her!face!with!the!same!gesture!she!used!earlier.!
!
“You’re!not!making!this!any!easier.”!She!tried!a!smile,!but!