Seductive Secrecy (Shadows series)

by Mann, Marni

  I glanced at Ryder standing mute off to the side. I had given my portion of honesty. Now I was going to give him a chance to do the same. “Do you want to tell him?”

  A look I could finally distinguish covered Ryder’s face: pain. He’d never told his brother about the mansion…that was obvious; Cameron would have told me by now if he’d known. I’m sure he wasn’t proud of it, and knew his brother would have been hugely disappointed by it. But Ryder’s shame wasn’t my concern.

  Cameron was.

  He hadn’t judged me for my decision; I didn’t believe he would judge his brother, either. But Cameron was a father figure to Ryder; he’d cared for him when no one else had. They were their entire family. I couldn’t imagine what the dynamic of that was like. I only knew that I had no right to question it, or to compromise it.

  And without realizing it, that’s exactly what I’d done.

  “Cameron,” Ryder started, his hands dropped to his sides and slipped into his pockets. He glanced to the floor, then back up. “I guess I’m just not sure where to begin with all of this.”

  I swallowed hard. “He knows everything about the mansion.” I couldn’t stop the nervous flood in my mouth. “From my side, anyway.”

  He nodded, his stare shifting to Cameron. Ryder’s breathing was heavy; he rocked back and forth nervously on his heels. “I was with her at that house, brother. At the mansion.”

  Until tonight, I’d never really seen Cameron get angry... or violent. The emotion that had come from him in the past was clipped and reserved, more of a quiet frustration. His tone would strengthen suddenly at times, but it would soften just as quickly. He held a lot in, and I was still trying to find ways to draw it out. But once those words left his brother’s mouth, it all came through at once.

  He lunged toward the table, grabbed a thick, black vase that was resting there and hurled it across the room. “Fuck!” he screamed. It hit the far wall and dented the sheetrock before falling to the floor and shattering into pieces all over the wood. The horrible noise it made echoed through the apartment.

  The vase had sailed past Ryder, not more than a few inches from hitting his shoulder. But he hadn’t moved. He hadn’t even flinched.

  I did, though. My body jumped involuntarily when the sound filled the room. But my lips remained sealed.

  I kept my eyes on Cameron, watching him as he stalked to the elevator. He didn’t even turn around before the door closed. He stayed pointed toward the back wall, his hands propping him up as he hung his head.

  Ryder and I stayed where we were, too stunned to move. Each passing second gnawed at me. Having one of my clients show up in my new life was one of my biggest fears, and it had come true. And it couldn’t have been in a more personal way.

  Why did it have to be Cameron’s brother?

  It was Ryder who broke the silence. “I didn’t expect to ever see you again,” he said.

  I slowly glanced up and his gaze was on me. There was a softness in his face, a pain still in his eyes that he couldn’t conceal. Ryder had been a regular, although I hadn’t known that was his name when he was inside my wing. In there, he was Thunder, and with good reason: he was one of the most physically-fit, long-lasting, thoroughly-pleasing men I’d been with in that house. His sex was a force of nature. I had enjoyed our time together, looked forward to it…relished it. His request had always been the same, and it was for something different than what the others had wanted; instead of the standard domination fantasy, he’d asked for the girlfriend experience. That’s exactly what I had given him, and exactly how he’d treated me.

  It struck me then: I’d been Ryder’s fantasy girlfriend before I was Cameron’s real one.

  My head rushed.

  “Sorry to ruin your plans, Ryder.” I couldn’t slow my breath.

  “That’s not what I meant, Charlie. I just—”

  I wouldn’t let him finish. “What did you think happened to all of us?” I asked. “That we just disappeared?”

  “I figured most of you had gone back home. I didn’t realize Boston was your home.”

  He didn’t know; in fact, he’d known nothing about me—not even my real name—until just a few minutes ago. He only knew that I could put a condom on with my teeth, and the way I’d craved having his tongue lick my clit, and the speed with which I’d wanted to be fucked.

  “I’m from Newton,” I said. “The mansion didn’t have to look very far to find me.”

  “Charlie…”

  I broke our eye contact. I felt guilty for even looking in his direction. I hated myself for thinking about his naked body and how it had felt on top of me. I couldn’t stop the flashes that flickered in my brain or the phantom touch that trickled over my skin as my mind went to his fingers and the orgasms they’d been able to give me.

  “How the fuck did you end up with my brother? Out of everyone in Boston…why did it have to be him?” I kept wondering the same thing. “I’ve never felt so guilty for anything in my life.” I saw his eyes slide in my direction. “Including how I feel right now…”

  “I can’t do this,” I said as I stood from the couch. My breath was caught in my throat. I moved purposefully toward our bedroom. I heard his steps behind me, but I didn’t stop until I felt his hand on my shoulder. I turned around, wiggling out from under his grip. “Don’t touch me.”

  “Charlie”

  “We’re not in the mansion anymore, Thunder,” I said, giving extra emphasis to his nickname. “You can’t just put your hands on me whenever you want.”

  His hands went back to his sides. “Listen: I didn’t know you were seeing him…I didn’t even know who you were. But I know what I felt when I was with you…and I know you felt it, too.” There was even more pain in his eyes now. “I don’t know what to do here, Charlie.”

  I exhaled. “I don’t either.”

  “I thought about you while I was in Asia…”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want this to be happening.

  “Ryder, now that we know the truth, you need to stop. For Cameron’s sake—for my sake, too. Please. Just stop.”

  “I can’t stop,” he said. “I have a chance now to say what I’ve wanted to since that house was taken down.” He reached for my chin. I moved before his fingers touched me. “Look at me.” It was a soft demand, almost begging. “Please.”

  My eyes slid upward.

  “It isn’t our fault that what happened, happened, or that we felt what we felt. We didn’t know we’d be hurting him.”

  I couldn’t believe what he was saying.

  “What difference does that make, Ryder? We know now…we know what we did to him. He loves us both, and we betrayed him…even if we didn’t know it at the time.” It hurt so much to say it out loud.

  My clients hadn’t left me; they were still in my head, in my soul. Some were much more present than others, though I had difficulty differentiating which memories arose from guilt, and which arose because I’d truly felt something for those men when I thought of them. There were times I had craved sex with Ryder, but I hadn’t considered the possibility of it being because I’d had actual feelings for him. I just knew how well he could fuck me. Or maybe that’s what I wanted to believe. Maybe that was easier than thinking there’d been a real connection.

  I didn’t know which was true.

  I just knew I had to get the hell out of here.

  Cameron was out there on the street, and I should have been with him, cleaning up this mess. Or he should have been in here…and I should have been out on the street. Suddenly, I felt too dirty for a place this clean.

  Because you are, Cee.

  Lilly’s voice wasn’t allowed to invade this time.

  “Shut the fuck up!” I growled.

  Ryder was stunned. “What?”

  I shook my head. “Not you, my—” I stopped myself before I said it. “Just…never mind.” I moved past him and walked around to the back side of the couch, slingi
ng my bag over my shoulder.

  “You’re leaving?”

  “I have to.” I headed for the elevator.

  “Don’t, Charlie,” Ryder called out. “Don’t go.”

  I didn’t glance over my shoulder. I didn’t stop or pause or even turn around until I was inside the elevator.

  “Charlie…” He stood several feet from the door, his eyes taking me in yet again as they’d done so many times in my wing. There was an edge to his look this time, a coldness that came from that Boston bad-boy exterior. The power in the muscle he was made of intimidated me even when my fingers had been gripping him. But there had been warmth and passion within that power. I felt it in his movements, in his kisses, in the time he took to touch and lick every sensitive spot on me.

  I shook my head again, trying to push out those thoughts as the door slid shut. I threw myself against the wall during the ride downstairs. Something needed to hold me up; my knees buckled, and my feet were failing me. The churning in my stomach was gone, replaced with a deep, sharp pain in my chest that made me shake uncontrollably.

  Cameron had to understand that there had been no way of me knowing Ryder was his brother while we were at the mansion together. He had to know that I would never have purposely done something so cruel, so thoughtless to him. He had to know his brother wouldn’t do that, either…though based on what Ryder had said before I left him, I wasn’t entirely certain that was true.

  I reached the sidewalk out front and just started walking. I had no destination; I didn’t even have a place to go. Dallas was traveling. I had a key to his apartment but there was nothing there that would make this better. The Professor was probably home with his family…not that I could tell him the truth about this.

  I didn’t have anyone else.

  You’re more like me than you thought, aren’t you, baby girl?

  Lilly wasn’t allowed to creep in again. Not now. Not during this. She needed to stay the hell out of my head and allow me space to work this out. I wasn’t anything like her; I hadn’t done this intentionally.

  Things had been going so well for us. We had been getting closer, trusting each other more. His language included the word “love” more frequently. It wasn’t surrounded by “I” and “you,” but it was notable; he’d never really done that before. More importantly, he’d shown it, and he’d made me feel it. I had a feeling all of that was going to change now.

  I couldn’t stop replaying the conversation we’d had on top of the bed, the one when we had discussed his thoughts on me working at the mansion.

  But do I like the thought that other men paid to touch you? No, I don’t. I fucking hate it. I wish I’d been the first man who’d ever touched you...I didn’t expect you to be a virgin. But of course a part of me wishes you didn’t have memories of anyone but me pleasuring you to the point of orgasm.

  Now we all knew the truth: those orgasms hadn’t just occurred with anyone. Some of them had happened with his brother.

  I didn’t know how we were going to move on from thisany of us. I didn’t know how he would be able to look at me and not see Ryder’s hands all over my body. I didn’t know how he would be able to spend time with Ryder and not wonder what his feelings were, his motives…that his lips had been all over me, his tongue inside me.

  And now that I was in his presence again, I didn’t know if I’d be able to keep from thinking of Ryder and the powerful connection we’d created in the mansion.

  I didn’t know how anything would ever be okay again.

  I couldn’t keep it all in. It was too much. I needed to talk to someone about this. There was only one person I could discuss it with. And as fucked up as it seemed to share the amount of detail necessary to explain the whole story, it felt oddly right somehow.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  I KNOW THIS LETTER IS GOING TO COME as a surprise; I’m writing out of turn, and a week early. But I need someone to talk to, and I have no one else at the moment. No one who understands like you do, anyway. I’m not really sure if I’m even looking for advice, or for guidance. What I need more than either of those is someone to confide in, someone who’ll listen and withhold judgment no matter what I tell them.

  Will you be that for me, D?

  I always knew there was a chance that I would one day run into one of my masks on the street. I expected it, actually, and I’ve often searched the faces of the people who passedthe ones who skim my shoulders at bars, the ones in the back of the room at parties. I know I only saw a small portion of their faces, heard their limited tones and accents, in spite of having had full access to their bodies. But my craft has made me observant; I stare, I assess, I memorize so I can capture every unique detail and recreate them once I have a brush in my hand. That’s why I knew that all it would take was a single distinguishing detaila hint of cologne, a tattoo. A voice.

  Well, it happened.

  But not in a way that I could have accepted and moved on from.

  The only thing that would have been as horrible as sleeping with Cameron’s brother at the mansion would be if Professor Freeman had been one of my clients, too. Or maybe finding out that I’d been with my best friend’s father… but we both know that had happened as well.

  Yes, you read that correctly.

  Cameron’s brother Ryder was a regular.

  I don’t know how I’m supposed to make this better. I haven’t told you much about Cameron’s past: he raised Ryder as they bounced between their junkie mother and random foster homes while she was in jail. All they have is each other. And now we know that both of them have had me. How can I convince Cameron that this won’t affect our relationship? How can I forget about Ryder and the things that occurred between us?

  I’m convinced that I can’t.

  I don’t know if I should walk back into that apartment, pack up my belongings and just set him free of all of this. I’m not a simple girl. I didn’t just bring my easel when I came; I brought a past that’s violent and vile and painfuland that was just my upbringing. We hadn’t even really been dating yet, and I had to come clean about a life-altering decision I’d madeone that threatened my safety and my future. And he stood by me one hundred percent, as if there was no other way he would have let it happen. And now, he finds out that part of that decision included me having been with his brother. How much more can Cameron take?

  More importantly, how much more should I expect him to?

  When he sees my suitcase packed and waiting, he’ll probably be filled with relief. I wouldn’t blame him in the least if he were. If I were in his place, I would feel the same way.

  I realize more and more that the mansion will always cast its shadow over me. It will continue to haunt me and affect me every day, appearing in my thoughts and my actions at the most inopportune and unexpected moments. There isn’t much I can do about it now. But it’s not fair for the shadow to fall across the people I care about and infect them with its pain. They didn’t ask for this; they shouldn’t be forced to deal with it just because I have to. That’s why I need to go. I would rather carry the pain than expect them to.

  Maybe I’ll never be free of that house of horrors. It was my choice to enter; it was my choice to destroy it as well, and I accept whatever comes to me as a result.

  But I refuse to let anyone else be dragged under because of my decisions.

  Charlie

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” Cameron asked from behind me.

  I hadn’t heard his feet scrape the floors as he’d walked down the hallway to our bedroom; if he’d opened the closet door a little bit more to check on me, I hadn’t heard it creak. But now he stood only inches away from me while my eyes scanned the racks, trying to determine how many boxes it would take to pack up all my clothes. I couldn’t miss all the little things that had been recently added to my shelves, like the mask he had given to me at our mansion and the ribbons that had been wrapped around each box. Jameson’s card was there, too, resting next to my purse, remi
nding me of the client he wanted me to meet with. It would be good to lose myself in my work, but I couldn’t even think about that now when I wasn’t even sure I’d still be living here in the morning.

  “I’m seeing how much stuff I own.” I didn’t turn around as I said it. I just kept my back to him and continued counting it all: the clothes and the shoes and the bags that I had. If I saw his face, I knew the knot that my soul was tied in at the moment would burst, and I wouldn’t be able to stop the tears.

  “Why?”

  As much as I wanted to keep my back to him and hide my face, I couldn’t put it off any longer. We had to talk about Ryder. I had to know how it was affecting him.

  I had to know what it was going to do to our relationship.

  I reached behind me and grabbed his hand, pulling him out of the closet and into the bathroom. When he asked where we were going, I didn’t respond; I just continued walking until we reached the shower.

  I turned on the water and stepped inside. I didn’t even bother to take off my clothes or shoes. He stood on the rug right outside. “Will you come in with me?” I asked.

  “With my clothes on?”

  “I don’t care what you wear or don’t wear. This is where I want to talk.”

  I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t clean enough for this apartment. I knew no amount of cleansing could rid my body of everything that had happened. This was just the only place that felt right at that moment.

  Cameron peeled off his T-shirt and removed his shoes before he stepped in. I could tell he was reluctant to come too close, so I let him have his space at one of the shower heads beyond the one I was under. My jeans and tank top were soaked and clinging to my body. Mascara dripped from my lashes and it burned when it got in my eyes. Pieces of hair stuck to my cheeks and neck. I didn’t care about any of it.

  “Where did you go when you left the apartment?” I asked.

  He took a second to breathe before he answered. “I went for a walk. I needed some time to think.” His hands went to his head and he ran his fingers through the buzzed strands. “I don’t know why you were in the closet looking at your clothes, but if you’re thinking about leaving, I really wish you wouldn’t.”