Love Inspired November 2014 #2

by Lorraine Beatty

  Ethan heard the door close behind Karen, his thoughts slamming back and forth like a screen door in the wind. Karen was right. He’d worked his entire life to reach the top of his profession. His camera was all he’d known since his mother had died. She was also right that he was poorly equipped to stand in the place of husband and father to Nicki and Sadie.

  But he’d changed. He wanted more than the life he’d had. He wanted roots, permanence. A home and family, and he wanted it with Nicki. The kiss he’d shared with Nicki had rocked his foundation and shown him how deeply he cared. Holding her, kissing her had been like finding a home, the place he’d searched for his whole life. The emotions were powerful, overwhelming, yet he’d experienced no fear, no doubt. He’d feared he was unable to let her into his heart, only to find she was already there.

  For a brief moment, he’d seen something in her eyes that had given him hope that she cared for him too, but it had been replaced quickly with a shadow of doubt, leaving him confused and convinced that Nicki wasn’t looking for a romantic entanglement.

  Karen had seen his feelings for Nicki. They were clearly revealed in every photo he’d taken. But he couldn’t tell Nicki. She had dreams she was determined to achieve. Dreams that didn’t include him.

  His gaze drifted to the closet that held his equipment. What if he went back to Atlanta? He could refuse any assignments in conflict areas. Could he do it? There’d been a time not too long ago when he’d doubted he’d ever touch a camera again. Sadie had helped him over that hurdle. But taking pictures of someone he loved was much different from taking pictures for a living.

  Right now he needed to talk to Nicki and explain. He needed to come clean about everything that had happened to him, and maybe she could help him reach a decision. Maybe he should tell her how he felt, let her know how much she’d come to mean to him.

  No. Not yet. Maybe when the store was on course and she was free from her obligations to her parents. For the time being, he prayed he’d be able to keep his feelings hidden.

  Chapter Twelve

  Nicki patted Sadie’s back gently and was rewarded with a tiny burp. “That feels better, doesn’t it, pumpkin?” She wiped her little mouth and placed a kiss on her soft cheek. If she could get her to sleep at a decent time, Nicki planned on watching her favorite TV show and going to bed early. Though after her encounter with Karen Holt, she doubted she’d be able to concentrate or sleep.

  Who was she and what was she to Ethan? She scolded herself mentally. It didn’t matter because it was none of her business. What she needed was a long talk with Debi. Looking around for her cell phone, she realized she’d left it on her desk downstairs in the store.

  Grabbing up her keys, she opened the apartment door. Angry voices brought her to a halt. Karen and Ethan. She froze, trying not to listen to their conversation, but it was impossible given they were only a few feet away across the narrow hall.

  “—you’re in love with her, but you know you’re not cut out to be a family man. Raising kids, mowing grass, church on Sunday.”

  “Stop.”

  “I know you, Ethan. You’re a famous, well-respected photographer. You like nice things. You like good food and fine wine and travel. You won’t last six months in this one-horse town.”

  The more she heard, the more Nicki wanted to slink away in the shadows. Finally the woman stalked off and Ethan slammed his door shut. Nicki quietly closed her own door, her heart beating triple time as she tried to sort through what she’d heard. Was it true? Was Ethan in love with her?

  The idea brought a rush of heat to her cheeks. She laid Sadie under her gym, then paced the room. That woman seemed to think so. And so did her father. Yes, there were sparks between them, an electric awareness of each other whenever they were close, and the kiss had suggested he cared a great deal.

  The woman had also reminded Ethan he wasn’t cut out for family life, something he believed, as well. But they were both wrong. She’d seen his gentleness with Sadie and his delight in the little things she would do. She’d experienced firsthand his strength and support, the way he watched over her, with a quiet protectiveness. Ethan was the perfect family man.

  She carried Sadie into her room, prepared her for bed and then settled into the rocker, feeding her. The woman had said Ethan was famous, important, and that he liked nice things, and he’d be bored quickly in Dover. Was he longing to return to his former life? From everything he’d said to her, he had no desire to be a photographer anymore.

  Nicki tucked Sadie into bed, then curled up on the sofa, hugging a pillow to her chest. Somehow Ethan had captured her heart. If he left, she wasn’t sure she could ever fill the void he’d leave in her life.

  * * *

  Ethan knocked on the door to Nicki’s apartment, rubbing the back of his neck as he sorted through the things he needed to say. She’d have questions, and he’d put this talk off for way too long. The door opened and he looked into her eyes, surprised to find them filled with sadness.

  “We need to talk.”

  “No need. Your private life is none of my business.”

  “But I want to tell you about it.”

  Nicki hesitated a moment, then stepped aside to let him enter.

  “Is Sadie in bed?”

  “I just put her down. Did you have a nice visit with your...friend?”

  Ethan was hurt that Nicki didn’t suggest he go and see the baby. “She’s my boss. But I’ve taken a leave from the network.”

  “So. You’re some kind of famous photographer.” He raised his eyebrow in a question. She shrugged. “You know how voices carry in this old building.”

  He’d wondered how much she’d heard. “I told you that.”

  “You said you were a photographer. Not that you were famous.”

  “I’m not.” He dragged his hand across his chin. “There are some things I haven’t told you that I want you to understand.”

  “Fine.” She sat down at the far end of the sofa.

  Ethan relaxed a little. At least she was giving him the opportunity to explain. He sat on the edge of the sofa, bracing his elbows on his knees.

  “I’ve told you how I became a photographer and how I’ve been an observer of life and not a participant. That ability served me well for most of my life. After college I went to work for TNZ News and eventually ended up embedded with the troops in the Middle East. But the last year things were getting tough. One day I was taking pictures in a market. I’d just focused in on a mother and infant when the place exploded. I kept shooting and caught the image of the mother and child...on the ground...”

  Nicki uttered a soft gasp, but he couldn’t look at her. “Afterward, I couldn’t process what I was seeing. It killed something in me. The next explosion knocked me out. I woke up in the hospital, knowing I’d never pick up a camera again.” He inhaled slowly, knowing he had to face Nicki. What would he see in her eyes?

  Before he could look at her, she reached out and traced the scar beside his mouth.

  “I’m so sorry you had to see something so horrible.”

  Her touch gave him the courage to continue. “The doctors called it cumulative stress disorder. A buildup of emotional events that finally overwhelm you. Guess I spent one too many years in the combat zone.”

  “So why was that woman here?”

  “She wants me to go back to work. But I’m not sure I’ll stay with the news agency. That’s why I came here. I wanted to find a new life, to learn to live in the moment and not through my pictures.”

  “Have you? Learned?”

  He smiled, reaching out and touching her cheek. “You’ve taught me. You are never out of the moment—you wear your emotions like a banner, never afraid, never holding back. That first day you had me wait on customers, I was lost. But then I thought about how you handled the people who came t
o the store, and I just copied what you did.”

  “So, what now? Did your boss come all this way just to ask you to come back to work?”

  Ethan stood and moved to the window. “She got hold of the photos from my last assignment and submitted one to the Pulitzer Prize committee.”

  “Ethan, that’s wonderful. Think what that would mean to your career.”

  He turned to face her. “I don’t want to stay in this field. Besides, the picture she submitted is the one that destroyed me. If it could break me, think what it might do to others who will see it.”

  Nicki came to his side. “But what if it could help them understand? Maybe you should share it.”

  Ethan shook his head. She had no idea what she was suggesting.

  “Maybe you need to face that moment before you can move on with your life.”

  “No. I’m in a good place now. I’ve got a job I like, a group to support me. I’ve got...you and Sadie.”

  Nicki set her hands on her hips. “Show me the pictures, Ethan. I want to see them. I’m a big girl. I’ve seen pictures of the Holocaust, images from wars. Use me as a gauge to see how others might react. Let me share the pain with you. Maybe together we can find a way to conquer it.”

  Was she right? Would having her at his side give him a perspective he lacked? She hadn’t turned away when she’d learned he suffered from PTSD. Maybe she was strong enough to face this, too.

  “Go. Get your computer.”

  When he returned, he placed the laptop on the kitchen table, opened the photo file and selected the first image. Nicki gently moved him aside and sat down. One by one she scrolled through the images of war. Ethan’s gut knotted tighter as each image passed across the screen. He couldn’t read her reaction. His heartbeat quickened as she neared the end and the last two images he’d captured.

  She paused a long time on the shot of the mother and child, happy and smiling in the marketplace. He closed his eyes. Not wanting to see the next photograph. He heard her gasp. He opened his eyes. Nicki had her hands to her face. She started to cry. He kicked himself for listening to her and letting her see the horror that haunted him. He reached across to kill the screen, but she stopped him with her hand.

  “Don’t.”

  She looked up at him, the tears in her eyes like a knife in his heart. “I’m sorry.”

  She shook her head and slipped her arms around his waist, resting her head against his shoulder. He held her close, the embrace filling him with a comfort and peace he’d never known, yet had secretly ached for his entire life.

  She held him for a moment, then eased out of the embrace and raised her hands to his face. “Now I understand why you reacted the way you did when you saw Sadie the first time. We must have been in the same pose as the mother and child you photographed.”

  He nodded, unable to find his voice. “I was going to quit that afternoon.”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “I found you crying. You told me about the problems with the store, and I thought about the robberies. I couldn’t leave you and Sadie alone.”

  “I’m glad you stayed, Ethan. I couldn’t have endured these last few weeks without you.”

  He shook his head. “You’d have done fine without me.”

  She held his gaze. “That’s the problem. I’m not sure I could have.”

  He smiled. “Miss Independent?”

  “Maybe I’m not so independent after all. I like having you around.”

  Her hand touched the side of his face. He looked into her blue eyes, wanting to believe what he saw there. He told himself to pull back, but it was hopeless. He drew her close. There was no turning back now.

  Ethan took her hands from his face, kissed each palm, then repositioned them on his shoulders. “I like being around.” He lowered his head and captured her mouth. The kiss ignited a depth of love he hadn’t known he possessed. When he ended the kiss, he saw his own emotions reflected in her eyes. Pulling her close again, he held her against his chest, totally in the moment. He didn’t need a picture. He’d remember this for the rest of his life.

  * * *

  Nicki traced the condensation on her glass of sweet tea, darting glances toward the door of the Camellia Tea Room. She’d called Debi early this morning to schedule some girl talk over lunch. She needed another perspective on things. Especially after the news she’d received this morning, which had further complicated her life.

  She brushed her bangs off her forehead, remembering the way Ethan had done the same the other night, his fingers grazing her skin before he had kissed her. The kiss had rocked her, left her longing for confirmation of his feelings. But it hadn’t come.

  Yesterday they’d attended church together, then had dinner with her folks. Later they’d taken a lovely walk in the park. Yet, when he’d said good-night, he’d only smiled and brushed a gentle hand against her cheek, leaving her confused and off balance again. She was in love with him, but she was confused about what to do about it. He was a man she could spend her life with. A husband for her, a friend and partner, and a wonderful father for Sadie. But she had no idea if Ethan felt the same. When he looked at her with those warm chocolate eyes, filled with affection, she believed he cared. What he said, or rather didn’t say, was different.

  Even those heart-stopping kisses had come at times when they were both needing comfort and reassurance. Maybe that was all he’d intended them to be. So had she imagined the emotion in his last kiss?

  Nicki glanced up to see her friend walk in and waved. Nicki had chosen a table in the back so they could talk privately.

  Debi slid into the chair and leaned forward, her expression reflecting her concern. “What’s going on? You never call in the morning.”

  Nicki chewed her lip. “I don’t know where to start. I need help sorting things out. I’ve tried, but I keep going around in circles. You’ve got to help me.”

  “It’s Ethan, isn’t it?”

  Nicki coughed when her swallow of tea went down wrong. “Why do you think that?”

  “What else could it be? How’s Sadie doing?”

  “She’s fine. Mom is watching her today.”

  Debi gave her a knowing glance. “It’s nice having grandparents in town to help out.”

  Nicki nodded. “I have to admit it makes working at the store easier. Since Sadie was sick, we’ve all become closer.” She took a deep breath. “I got a job offer this morning. A great position with a marketing firm in Branson, Missouri.”

  “Are you going to take it?”

  “I don’t know. I should be thrilled. It’s more than I’d hoped for, but I’m starting to see that striking out on our own is going to be harder than I imagined.”

  “And where does Ethan fit into this? And don’t tell me you don’t love him, because I know better.”

  “Even if I do, I’m not sure he feels the same way. Sometimes he acts like he cares, but he’s never said the words.”

  “Have you told him how you feel?”

  “No. Well, I’ve dropped some hints.”

  “Hints? Nicki. You can’t hint to a man. You have to say it straight-out. Has he kissed you?”

  Nicki hesitated. “Yes.”

  “More than once?”

  “Yes, but I can’t throw away a job that will give Sadie and I a solid future over a few kisses.”

  Debi shook her head and frowned. “This isn’t about the job. It’s about you being afraid to risk loving again. Nicki, Ethan is nothing like Brad.”

  After telling her parents about her life with Brad, Nicki had confided in her friend, as well. “I know but—”

  “Nicki, hasn’t he proved himself every day? He’s worked alongside you to save the store. He fixed up that apartment for you. He loves that baby, and he would never dominate you. He’s content to le
t you shine. He’s the only person I know who actually likes that independent streak of yours.”

  Nicki absently turned her fork over and over. Debi had a point. Ethan was all Debi said, but none of that mattered if he didn’t have any feelings for her. “But I’ve only known Ethan a few weeks.”

  “And no one had a chance to know Brad at all. Maybe if we had we could have warned you away. You planned that destination wedding in Saint Thomas in only a few days, with only your parents and me as guests, then jetted off to Europe on your honeymoon that same day. It was a very rushed affair. I had a bad feeling from the start about you two.”

  “That was Brad’s idea. I thought the impromptu wedding was so romantic. I should have seen that it was a prelude of what was to come.”

  Debi patted her hand. “It’s done. You have another chance with a great guy. If you ask me, I think you should tell him about the job offer and see how he reacts. Maybe he’ll ask you to stay, or maybe he’ll go with you. But the first thing you have to decide is what it is you really want.”

  What did she want? Branson would be a dream come true. The salary was generous, and she’d welcome living in a larger city again. But she’d be sacrificing her parents, old friends, roots. And maybe a father for her little girl?

  Nicki chewed her bottom lip. She was right back where she’d started. How did she choose between independence and roots? Until she knew how Ethan felt, she was mired in a pool of indecision and questions.

  * * *

  Ethan stretched his legs out, resting his feet on the ottoman in Nicki’s living room. She’d invited him for supper. Their relationship had turned a corner in the past few days. There was a new closeness between them. He was hopeful that Nicki had developed feelings for him. But while he was certain she enjoyed his company, she’d given no indication that she might be changing her mind about leaving Dover. He’d considered coming clean and telling her how he felt, but he’d never wanted to pressure her with a relationship she’d never asked for.

  He’d watched Sadie again last night for a short time while Nicki had gone to the grocery store. He’d resisted, but she’d been determined to show him that he could babysit without anything horrible happening. Watching the baby again had chased away his lingering anxiety and much of his guilt.