Love on the Edge of Time

by Julie A. Richman

  Pulling her to him, he whispered in her ear, “London’s going to suck if you’re not with me.”

  ••••••

  “Have you met Joanna Tivoli, the head of our Women’s Division?” Johnny Spinelli ushered Kylie into his all-glass corner office. She couldn’t help but notice that not only was the office constructed of glass, the man was a collector of art glass, which was the perfect media for this sunlight-bathed space. The reds, purples and golds glowed and shimmered. Kylie wanted to walk around the office inspecting the beauty of each piece, but with the woman standing right before her, she knew there would be no time for pleasantries.

  Her suit was French, her shoes Italian and she was just short of beautiful. The sharp intelligence in her eyes, as they slowly flowed down every inch of Kylie’s body, however, made her very attractive. Nothing got past this woman and you definitely wanted to call her friend and not enemy.

  Without a word, Joanna looked at Johnny to transmit her approval via an almost imperceptible nod and Kylie instantly felt muscles relax from her abdomen to her cheeks.

  “A pleasure,” Kylie extended a hand for a firm, yet feminine, shake.

  Johnny gestured for them to all take a seat.

  “Kylie, you are a natural redhead.” Joanna was almost astounded. “What is your ancestry?”

  “I’m a UK mutt. English, Scottish, and some Irish in there, too.” Kylie smiled.

  “What size are you currently wearing?” Joanna cut to the chase.

  Without missing a beat or any hint of an apologetic tone, “In general, fourteens are fitting very well now. In some cases, I can go down to twelves on a top and in other cases a sixteen on the bottom, depending on the cut.” She wondered what they were thinking as she spit out numbers more than double what they were used to hearing.

  The silence was suffocating. Maybe she was just too big for Johnny to make her the ‘IT’ girl. People wanted to see perfection and society didn’t deem double digit sizes as perfect.

  “Kylie, I need to tell you something that is not public knowledge at this point and needs to stay that way.” He held her stare and she nodded, assenting to keep the information in confidence. “You’re familiar with Northern Lights Sportswear?”

  Again, she nodded.

  “Anika Robinson was chosen as the face of Northern Lights for both spring and fall campaigns. Shoots are set-up in both Alaska and Australia and start in a few weeks.”

  Kylie wondered what he was getting to, there was some bombshell he was about to drop.

  “Anika is very ill,” he went on.

  “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” Here it comes.

  “Truth of the matter is, she has an eating disorder.”

  Don’t we all, thought Kylie

  “Last week she ended up in Cedars-Sinai after a seizure.”

  “Oh, my God.” Kylie’s hand flew to her mouth.

  “She needs intensive health care before we’ll see her again.” He paused, “In addition to Anika, the sixteen-year old daughter of Northern Lights’s owner, Ross Eggleston, is also suffering from an eating disorder, so this has hit very close to home for him.”

  So, they want the fat girl? was the first thought that ran through her head. It was almost out of her mouth when Joanna thankfully began to speak.

  “Kylie, you are not only stunningly beautiful, but you are actually now smaller than the average size of most U.S. women, which makes you a more realistic body image.”

  “Maybe too realistic,” Kylie couldn’t contain her commentary.

  The look on Joanna’s face indicated that maybe she thought Kylie was too large and would not have been her first choice. That maybe her first choice would have been a single digit- sized model–possibly someone who was a size 6.

  “Rubbish,” Johnny inserted, sensing the discord between the two women. “You have such a natural look, we think you’ll be perfect for their line.”

  Kylie noted the “we” and felt Johnny was definitely sending Joanna a message.

  “I know it’s short notice, very short notice, but if you and Jesse are available on Thursday evening, we have a table at the Big Brothers Big Sisters event that Ross Eggleston’s wife, Marla, is co-chairing. I’d love for Ross to meet you in person. He’s viewed your portfolio and is very interested.”

  Kylie smiled. And I bet I become more interesting with Jesse Winslow at my side, she thought.

  “I’d love to meet him.” Tipping her head, she smiled at Johnny. “And I’ll check with Jesse and see what his schedule looks like. He’s in the middle of recording right now.”

  “So, he’s back in the studio?” Joanna was even interested in the scoop on the famous rocker.

  Kylie nodded. “Yes. He is.”

  As if reading her train of thought with the expertise of a clairvoyant, Kylie could see the cogs turning in the modeling executives head. Maybe size fourteen isn’t so hideous after all. They could spin it as beauty comes in all sizes…And still gets the guy. And that is not just any guy. She could so sell this to Ross. And to his wife.

  “An album?” Joanna was her new best friend.

  Kylie laughed, “That’s what he’s working on.”

  “Tour?” She pressed.

  “No. Nothing like that yet. But he is planning a small showcase downtown in one of the clubs.” While Kylie loved celebrating Jesse, because she was so proud of the progress he’d made, it was hard admitting that her success was, in part, because her star was hitched to his. Shooing away a wave of self-doubt, she wondered if she’d ever again have an identity that was not associated with the irresistible bad boy of rock. And she knew her name would always evoke his in the same sentence. So, with that fact firmly accepted, there was only one thing to do.

  The road to seeing perfection, when you looked in the mirror, was only achievable when you learned to accept and love yourself. Especially the pieces with the jagged edges that didn’t quite fit in. Her time in therapy with Claire had shown her that. She loved who she had become through choosing to walk in different shoes than she was raised in. And now, here she was, nowhere near standard model weight, and it was her relationship with Jesse that allowed her to share with other women that you don’t have to be starved to perfection to have an amazing man by your side. You can be healthy both inside and out by listening to your body and not trying to fit into Madison Avenue’s plastic mold.

  Maybe out there, some young girl ready to stick her finger down her throat or binge and take laxatives would not destroy their body and their self-esteem, because she, at size fourteen, was truly happy, and deeply loved by a man who was on a poster on their bedroom wall.

  And if that is what being hitched to Jesse’s star brought into the world, then it was okay to have her success and identity wrapped up in his. Maybe that is why our paths crossed, she wondered.

  ••••••

  “Was that a memory with your grandfather that you’d been conscious of before today?” Claire watched Jesse rustle his spiky hair as he thought about what he’d just experienced.

  “No. I had no clue he tried to have me taken away from my parents.” He shook his head. “No clue at all.”

  “And how does that make you feel?” She crossed her legs the other way. The little bit of toe cleavage exposed at the top of her beige pump.

  “Loved by my grandparents. At least someone had my best interests at heart. But also pissed as shit at my parents. I was a little kid. I depended on them to take care of me. Make sure I was safe. And they just sucked at it. They really did.”

  “Are you ready to forgive them?” Claire asked.

  “Ya know, Dr. S., I just need to process this all so that I can let go of the bad energy. But I need to understand it. I need to understand who they were back then. I really want to be able to move forward.”

  “I’m sensing that you’re questioning if you’ll be able to.”

  “I’m angry that my parents didn’t get me help when I was little, that nobody even talked to me to se
e if I was okay. I’m angry that my father put his band before me and I’m really pissed that my mom put him before me. My grandparents saw my decline, the change in my personality and they tried to step in. We saw that today with what I remembered. But again, my parents wouldn’t do what was in my best interests. They should have let my grandparents take me until they got their shit together.” Jesse shook his head, his fingers slowly raking through his hair. “I remember doing drugs at eleven or twelve, hoping my father would accept me, pay attention to me, let me in. That was how I tried to bond with the man.”

  Claire remained silent as Jesse gathered his thoughts.

  “They couldn’t help me because they couldn’t even help themselves,” was his assessment. “A lot to think about.” Jesse started gathering up his stuff. “Oh, hey, I’m going to miss a few sessions. I’ll be here for the next two and then I’m going to miss three sessions.”

  “Traveling?” She asked, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose.

  “To London. To record. This amazing opportunity to record at Abbey Road just fell into my lap and that’s just a dream come true for any musician.”

  “How long will you be gone?”

  “I’ve got the studio space for three weeks and then when I come home, I’ve got to prepare for a gig, so I think I’ll probably miss three sessions.”

  “Okay, let me mark you out on my calendar. Shall we get in one more regression before you go?”

  “Absolutely.” He nodded. “And can I put you with a plus one on the guest list for my gig? It’s going to be a small acoustic showcase downtown at The Bowery Ballroom. Like five hundred people.”

  “I’d love to come see you play,” Claire smiled at her patient, her shoulder dipping slightly. “That sounds like a very intimate setting.” Her tone softened.

  “Absolutely. A lot of audience interaction. I’ll get really good feedback immediately on the new material. Will this be the first time you’ve seen me live?”

  Claire nodded.

  Laughing, “You get Jesse tamed.”

  Watching her nostrils flare as she sharply exhaled, he wondered if that meant something.

  ••••••

  Big Brothers Big Sisters of NYC’s Big Night Out became a paparazzi-worthy event the moment former Miss New Jersey, Kylie Martin, and her plus one showed up. Wandering around the casino-themed night, Kylie spotted Joanna Tivoli, looking ravishing and bored in a red side-drape, plunge gown.

  “Come, I’ll introduce you to Joanna Tivoli, the head of the Women’s Division of FACES USA. I’ll bet she’s a lot nicer to me with you here.” She steered him by the arm through the crowd.

  “She didn’t like you?”

  “She thinks I’m fat.”

  Stopping abruptly and turning to face her, Jesse let his eyes walk slowly and deliberately over Kylie, lingering on her full breasts. “Is she the one in the red?”

  Kylie nodded.

  “Lay my cheek on your amazing soft, full tits or ride a bicycle frame? I could ask any man in this room and the result would be the same–her skinny ass would be going home alone. The bitch better not dis you again.”

  “Come on, Prince Charming,” she led him to Joanna.

  As cool as people tried to act, both men and women alike, could not help but be starstruck in the presence of Jesse Fucking Winslow. Joanna Tivoli was no different. She stammered, she giggled and she looked positively green with jealousy at the way Jesse touched and looked at Kylie.

  It didn’t take long for Johnny to find them with Ross Eggleston, his wife, Marla, and their daughter, Sarah, in tow. At their heels, the event photographer was both in shock and awe to come upon Jesse Winslow and took Johnny’s direction as he set-up the photo op for the Egglestons, Kylie, Jesse, and himself.

  Kylie couldn’t take her eyes off Sarah’s skeletal limbs. This beautiful little girl was doing this to herself. Willingly. It wasn’t like Geneviève, who was ill and couldn’t fend for herself against people who treated her like worthless garbage. Kylie wanted to help Sarah love herself. But what could she say and this certainly wasn’t the time or place. But maybe if Ross Eggleston hired her, she’d have the opportunity to have those conversations with her. To tell her about her journey. Let her know that once she, herself, was pageant girl thin and that she wasn’t happy being constrained by others’ ideals. And that while weight might always be a struggle for her, there was no comparison to the struggle and pain of starvation.

  Ross and Johnny gravitated toward Kylie after the introductions were made. Smoothly, Jesse stepped out, engaging Joanna and the Eggleston women in conversation, who clearly were in seventh heaven, feeling that they had gotten the better part of the deal.

  “I told you she was stunning,” Johnny oozed confidence when he spoke to Ross.

  “You are a very beautiful woman, Kylie,” Ross agreed. “Johnny has told you what we are looking to do. Obviously, there’s a problem within Northern Lights and the Northern Lights family,” he began, glancing at his daughter.

  Kylie began to speak, her voice strong, “Mr. Eggleston, the problem has become so universal that it is heartbreaking to see young girls and women robbed of their self-esteem because they don’t fit what is, frankly, an unhealthy dynamic. Honestly, the best thing in the world that happened to me was losing my Miss New Jersey title because of the weight I’d gained. Everyone thought I was ruining my life, but it didn’t feel that way to me. It felt like one-thousand pounds of pressure to be perfect had been lifted off me. I got into therapy, started looking at what made me happy and what didn’t, and I began working out with a trainer who understood I needed to feel beautiful on the inside first.” She looked over at Jesse, “And I’m in a really loving relationship with a man who understands that when you get to the darkest depths, you either fight your way back to the surface or you die.”

  Ross just stood there for a moment. “Help us do something great.”

  “It would be my pleasure,” she smiled.

  “We start in two weeks.”

  “I’ll be ready.” Smiling, she put a hand on Johnny’s arm. “Well, I’ll let you gentlemen hammer out what needs to be hammered out, and, in the meantime, I’d love to come down to your offices, meet everyone and get a better feel for things.”

  Out of the corner of her eye, Kylie could see Johnny Spinelli counting the cash. He’d hit the jackpot without even playing a single casino game.

  As they walked toward the buffet and table area, Kylie scanned the room for Jesse who had taken off with Joanna and the Eggleston family, as the two men walked off.

  “Well, what a surprise seeing you here,” he whispered into her ear.

  Turning toward the voice, she plastered a smile on her face as bright as her teeth, “Blaise, how are you?”

  “Not so happy at the moment, Ms. Martin.”

  “Why is that?” Kylie played innocent. How fucking fast does news travel in this industry? she wondered.

  “I understand you’re going to be spending some time in Alaska and Australia.”

  “So it seems.” She looked over his shoulder, still scanning for Jesse.

  “No one would look at you twice when you were just that fat girl who left the pageant circuit, disgraced. I saved you,” he hissed, a plume of the alcohol on his breath making Kylie’s nose twitch.

  “Blaise, I thank you for having the confidence in me and for taking a chance. I have done nothing but make you money. The clients have been pleased with the work I’ve done and I have represented Siren with the utmost professionalism. There are no exclusivity clauses in my contract and nothing that precludes me from accepting assignments through other agencies. And you know, for the most part, models are with multiple agencies, so that they can keep working. I’m not doing anything different than ninety percent of the models you represent.”

  “Yeah, but I took you when no one else would. Now that you’re a novelty because you’re Jesse Winslow’s chubby girlfriend, yeah, everyone wants to make a quick buck off you b
efore he dumps your fat ass. The minute he has the chance he’ll trade you for a couple of grams of coke and you’ll deserve it because bitches like you have no loyalty.”

  As soon as the last syllable of loyalty was out of his mouth, there was a hand on his chest driving him back into the wall.

  “What did you just call her?”

  The air was knocked out of Blaise, robbing him of the ability to respond. Jesse moved in like a panther, nose to nose with his adversary. “Don’t you ever speak to her like that again. Do you understand me? You address her with the respect she deserves.”

  “Jesse, don’t.” Kylie was by his side trying to block people from seeing what was happening. She put a hand on his arm and with slight pressure let him know he needed to take his hand off Blaise’s chest.

  “Blaise, after what you’ve said to me tonight, you don’t deserve the opportunity to represent me. I gave you credit for being a smart businessman, but evidently I was wrong. I’d actually like to thank you for your lack of professionalism this evening. You’ve made it very clear to me that I do not want my name or my career associated with you.” Taking Jesse’s arm with her hand, she turned to her boyfriend and said, “Shall we?” Indicating that she was ready to leave.

  With sufficient distance between them and the Siren exec, Jesse gave her a smile. “Toots, you were brilliant.”

  “I really was, wasn’t I? I had this flash of Geneviève in my head and how she was controlled by men after she lost Bruno and I just had to do this for her,” she paused, “and me.” They walked a few more steps, “Thank you for coming to my defense.”

  “Well, you didn’t need it and frankly, you handled it a lot better than I did. I just reacted and went into testosterone-protect mode. No one is going to disrespect you like that in my presence. But, Toots, you showed me tonight, no one is going to abuse you and get away with it, whether I’m there or not.”

  Kylie laughed, “People should know better. Don’t fuck with New Jersey chicks. And you really don’t want to fuck with a pageant girl. We will eviscerate you and you’ll think we just gave you the solution to world peace.”