A Mother's Secret

by Dilly Court

  As if sensing her gaze upon him, he looked up and gave her a smile which made her pulses race. She had not had a chance to speak to him alone since they left Deolali, but he seemed intent on returning to his unit, and she was just as determined that he should come home with them. Pa could arrange it, she was certain. She had absolute faith in him.

  At the end of the meal, Bailey suggested that Oliver might like to go outside to take the air, although the heat was still intense. Cade said that he had a box of excellent cigars that they might like to try, and that a fine cognac would accompany the Havana tobacco very well indeed, but Belinda linked her small hand through his arm, smiling sweetly. ‘I’m sure that can wait a moment, darling. I think this might be a good time to tell them our news.’

  Chapter Twenty-four

  A baby brother or sister; the news had come as a complete shock to Cassy. She had never considered that such an event was possible until Ma and Cade made the announcement, but they were so patently delighted and thrilled at the idea of becoming parents again that it would have been a hard-hearted person who could not share their joy. Oliver had congratulated them with obvious sincerity, and Bailey had slipped his hand beneath the tablecloth to give Cassy’s fingers a sympathetic squeeze. There had been understanding in his smile with no need for words.

  She had done her best to be pleased for them, and she had been sincere when she told them that she was delighted at the prospect of having a brother or a sister, but even so, a small mean voice niggled away in her brain telling her that she was once again an outcast. Nothing would ever completely wipe away the stain of illegitimacy, but her sibling would not have that burden to bear.

  She knew that she would not sleep. It was a hot night, and as she looked down from her window at the moonlit hotel garden she had a sudden longing to be out in the silvery cool where the scent of roses and jasmine blotted out the stench of the city. She could see a figure walking beneath a deodar tree, and her heartbeats quickened as she realised that it was Bailey and he was alone. Seizing her lace shawl, she wrapped it around her head and shoulders and crept out of her room, making her way downstairs and out onto the veranda. Sleepy-eyed hotel staff went about their business barely noticing her and she went outside unchallenged. Picking up her skirts she ran lightly down the wide marble steps, across a gravelled terrace and into the rose garden.

  Bailey stopped and turned to face her as she ran towards him. ‘Cassy, what are you doing out here? It’s turned midnight.’

  ‘I had to speak to you,’ she said breathlessly. ‘We’ve had so little time to talk since we left Deolali.’

  He was silent for a moment, gazing at her with a tender smile curving his lips. They were standing so close together that she could feel the heat of his body and the achingly familiar scent that was his alone, with just a hint of fragrant cigar smoke clinging to his clothes and hair. ‘What is it, Cass? What’s the matter? Aren’t you happy for them?’

  ‘Of course I am. It was a bit of a shock, but they’ll be wonderful parents. I just wish . . .’

  He wrapped her in his arms, holding her close. ‘I know, Cass. Nothing can quite wipe out the memories of old Biddy and Three Herring Court, and it’s hard for other people to understand what we went through.’

  ‘But you do, Bailey.’ She slid her arms around his neck, looking deeply into his eyes. ‘You are part of me, and I can’t let you go. Please come home with us. Don’t stay here and risk getting killed.’

  He stroked her hair back from her forehead with a gentle hand. ‘I’m a soldier and I’ve earned promotion on my own merit. I didn’t have a rich father to buy me a commission.’

  ‘And I’m proud of you,’ Cassy said earnestly. ‘I couldn’t be more proud, but I love you, Bailey. I want to be with you always.’

  ‘You’re still a child, Cass. I know you love me, and I love you and always will, but you belong to a different world. You were born to higher things and one day you’ll realise that.’

  She stared at him aghast. Did he really think she was still a little girl, with a child’s feelings? How could he be so wrong and so stupid? ‘You don’t understand,’ she said angrily. ‘I’m not a baby. I know my feelings and I’m telling you that they’re completely grown-up. I love you. Do I have to spell it out?’

  He shook his head. ‘Oliver loves you, Cass. He wants to marry you and he can give you everything that I can’t.’ He led her to a stone seat beneath a rose arch and sat down beside her, taking both her hands in his. ‘Listen to me, my darling girl. Oliver saved my life. He took the bullet that was meant for me and because of me he’s a cripple. When we were lost in that desolate place and before we went out of our heads with fever, all he could talk about was you. He said he was going to buy himself out of the army and return to England. He said that he was going to propose to you on your eighteenth birthday, and he was certain that you’d accept him.’

  Aghast, she shook her head. ‘No, he was mistaken. I would never have married him because I love you, Bailey. How many times do I have to tell you?’

  ‘But you must have given him some cause to hope, Cass.’

  ‘I may have, but it was unintentional. He kissed me and it was romantic, but I didn’t mean to lead him on, you must believe me. I’ve always loved you and I want to be your wife.’

  ‘I do believe you, but it’s not for us, Cassy.’ He raised her hands to his lips. ‘I love you with all my heart and soul. You’re part of me and that’s why I have to let you go.’

  ‘Don’t I have a choice in all this? You’re so busy telling me what to do, Bailey, but I’m a woman now, and I love you.’

  ‘If only you knew how much I’ve longed to hear those words coming from your lips. How much I’ve wanted to hold you in my arms and kiss you, but that sort of love isn’t for us, Cass. I won’t drag you down to my level.’ He held her gaze, looking deeply into her eyes. ‘Do you honestly see yourself following the drum as a common soldier’s wife? You were born for better things and Oliver can give you the sort of life you are entitled to. Even if he never recovers completely, he’s an educated man and he has a private income left to him by his grandfather. He’ll be able to keep you in style, which is something I could never do.’

  She wrenched her hands free. ‘Stop saying things like that. I won’t listen to you. You’re just being stupid.’ She leapt to her feet, staring down at him with anger roiling in her stomach. ‘Why are men such idiots? What do I have to do to convince you that I mean every word I say?’

  ‘You can’t, Cass. I wish it were any other way but I’m eight years your senior, and I’ve learned a lot since I’ve been in the army. I know the difference between officers and men, and that goes for their wives too. Can you imagine living alongside women who grew up in the gutter?’

  Arms akimbo, Cassy glared at him. ‘I grew up in the gutter, and so did you. I don’t think anyone could sink much lower than Three Herring Court.’

  ‘But you weren’t meant for that sort of life, which is what I keep trying to tell you, my love. I don’t know who my parents were. Outside the army I’m a nobody, but in the regiment I have a place and I’m doing something worthwhile for my country.’

  She stamped her foot. ‘You say you love me, but you don’t. You’re in love with the rotten blooming army. I hope it makes you very happy.’ Turning on her heel she stormed out of the rose garden, pausing at the foot of the steps leading up to the veranda to glance over her shoulder, half hoping that he was following her. But he was still sitting where she had left him, with his shoulders hunched and his head bowed.

  Next morning when she joined her parents for breakfast, Oliver was there but Bailey was nowhere to be seen.

  ‘He left first thing this morning, Cassy,’ Cade said, following her gaze as she stared at the empty place at table. ‘I tried to persuade him to stay on for a while, but Bailey is a very determined young man, and he wanted to return to his regiment in Lucknow.’

  Oliver nodded his head. ‘He’s a good chap; one of th
e best, and I’ll miss him.’

  ‘We all will,’ Belinda said, smiling. ‘He’s been like a brother to you, Cassy, especially in the early days. I’m sure you will miss him most of all.’

  Cassy could not answer. If she relaxed for a second she knew she would break down and cry or scream out loud with anger and frustration. How cowardly of Bailey to run away without saying a proper goodbye. He might be a brave soldier but he was not man enough to stand up and fight for the woman he loved. She stared down at her plate and realised that she had broken a bread roll into tiny crumbs.

  Cade put his coffee cup down, wiping his lips on a starched white table napkin. ‘If you’ll excuse me, Belle, I’m going to the Peninsular and Orient office to book us on the next ship bound for London.’

  ‘I say the sooner we get home the better, and I know that Oliver agrees with me.’ Belinda’s lips twitched and her eyes sparkled. ‘I’m sure you do too, Cassy. Oliver told us that you two had an understanding, and last night he asked your father’s permission to propose to you. Isn’t it time you put us out of our misery and gave him your answer?’

  Numb with grief and anger, Cassy turned to Oliver. ‘You should have spoken to me first.’

  ‘Perhaps, but I thought we had an understanding, Cassy.’

  She met his earnest gaze and was immediately ashamed of herself. She had not meant to lead him on, and she struggled to find the words to let him down gently, but Oliver seemed to take her silence as confirmation. He reached across the table to cover her hand with his. ‘We’ve wasted enough time. This wretched condition of mine has made me realise that putting things off is never a good idea. I should have asked you to marry me before I embarked for India. We could have had many months together before I was turned into half a man.’

  She withdrew her hand, unable to look him in the eyes. ‘Don’t talk like that, Ollie. You mustn’t say those things about yourself.’

  ‘You have our blessing, both of you.’ Cade said, rising to his feet. ‘We’ll get you the best medical treatment that money can buy, old chap. And if you find a quarter of the happiness with my beautiful daughter that I have with her equally beautiful mother, then you’ll be a very lucky man no matter what the future holds.’

  ‘Well, Cassy, darling?’ Belinda angled her head. ‘Are you going to put the poor boy out of his misery? Or is your answer a foregone conclusion?’

  She was trapped. Cassy glanced at the expectant faces of the people she loved and she knew that there was no way out. Oliver was watching her closely with hope in his eyes, and she could not bring herself to tell him the truth. She had thought she loved him on that cold winter’s afternoon in the parlour at Pedlar’s Orchard, and now she was paying for her youthful folly. She had lost the one man she truly loved. Despite her pleas, Bailey had walked away from her, making it clear that there was no future for them as man and wife. Now she was about to promise herself to the hero who had saved his life. It seemed like a cruel but poetic justice.

  ‘Well, Cassy,’ Cade said. ‘Don’t keep us in suspense.’

  Slowly she nodded her head. ‘Yes,’ she murmured. ‘I will marry you, Ollie.’

  The passage home took six weeks, giving Cassy time to get used to her new status as a young woman officially engaged to a wounded hero. Oliver had bought her a huge ruby and diamond ring before they left Bombay, but the deep red stone sat on her finger like a drop of blood. Try as she might, that was how she felt. Her heart’s blood was being shed to pay for the life of the man she loved, and every nautical mile they travelled drew them further apart. Oliver’s condition improved greatly during the sea voyage. Each day Cassy pushed him round the deck in his Bath chair, or else they sat side by side, enjoying the sun and sea air. They saw little of Cade and Belinda, who were absorbed in each other’s company like any young couple on their honeymoon.

  ‘We’ll be like that once we’re married,’ Oliver said, taking Cassy’s hand in his. ‘When I’m cured by those damned clever doctors in London, we’ll do the grand tour of Europe.’

  ‘Yes, Ollie,’ Cassy said dutifully. ‘That will be wonderful.’

  It was early November when they arrived back in London and winter had claimed the city in its chilly grip, which made the warm welcome that Mrs Wilkins had prepared for their homecoming even more pleasing. The servants were waiting to greet them, together with Jack and the more able-bodied of the men from the soldiers’ home. There were fires in every room and each small detail had been attended to, down to vases of bronze and gold chrysanthemums filling the air with their spicy scent. Word had been sent on ahead and the breakfast parlour on the ground floor had been converted into a bedroom for Oliver.

  Within a fortnight of their arrival, he had begun treatment at the National Orthopaedic Hospital in Hatton Garden. He was convinced that he would be cured and able to walk again, and at times he was filled with optimism, but at others he was flung into the depths of despair. Everyone did their best to accommodate his moods, but it was like walking on eggshells. Seeking a means of escape from a difficult situation, Cassy threw herself into preparations for the opening of the shop. During their absence it had been fitted out with a counter, shelves and display stands which were now ready and waiting to be filled with the men’s handicrafts and Jack’s paintings. She was on the premises one morning, going over the arrangements for the official opening with Jack, when she looked up and saw her father’s carriage pull up outside. It was Ollie’s day for treatment at the hospital and she hurried to the door, wondering why the coachman had stopped here instead of further along the street in Lemon’s Terrace.

  The groom climbed down from the box and opened the door, pulling out the steps and for a wild moment Cassy thought that a miracle had occurred and that Ollie was about to walk down them unaided, but to her surprise it was Lottie who was the first to alight. She stood aside while the groom lifted Oliver from the seat and carried him across the pavement.

  Cassy wrenched the door open and ran out to greet them. ‘Lottie, what are you doing here?’

  ‘I’ve had warmer welcomes.’ Laughing, Lottie threw her arms around Cassy and gave her a hug.

  ‘Take me inside, man,’ Oliver said irritably. ‘I don’t want the world to see me like this.’

  ‘Yes, sir.’ The groom hurried into the shop, followed by Cassy and Lottie.

  ‘Set me down, you fool, and wait outside. I’ll call when I need you.’ Oliver dismissed him with a wave of his hand.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ Cassy demanded. ‘Why are you so angry?’

  He smiled ruefully. ‘I’m sorry; I’m being a bear again today, my love. If it hadn’t been for Lottie I might have had a serious argument with the doctor.’

  ‘You’re a difficult patient,’ Lottie said, chuckling. ‘We get plenty like you, so don’t think you’re special, Oliver Davenport.’

  ‘That’s right,’ Cassy said with mock severity. ‘It’s time someone stood up to him. We’ve all been tiptoeing around Ollie, but perhaps he needs a firm hand, like a naughty little boy.’

  Oliver pulled a face, turning to Jack who was standing at a respectful distance. ‘I suppose you’re used to petticoat rule, my man. I don’t know how you put up with it.’

  ‘Jack is too polite to answer you.’ Cassy suppressed a sigh. Ollie had been particularly difficult for the last day or two, and her patience was almost at an end.

  Lottie went to study the paintings one by one. ‘These are very good,’ she said, turning to Jack with a smile. ‘Much better than the ones you showed at the exhibition. I think they’ll be snapped up.’ She picked up a honey-glazed clay pot in the shape of a top hat. ‘This is nice too. I can just see it filled with primroses and violets. You have some lovely things here, and the shop is in a prime position. I hope it does well.’

  ‘I do too,’ Cassy said with feeling. ‘But how did you come to be with Ollie? Were you visiting someone at the hospital?’

  ‘I’ve been sent there for six months to study orthopaedics. I think I mig
ht specialise in it if I manage to qualify, although of course there is such a lot of opposition from the male members of the profession. It’s a real struggle, Cassy.’

  ‘But I’d say you’re more than a match for those idiots,’ Oliver said stoutly. ‘You should have seen her standing up to the doctor who examined me, Cassy. He was talking to me as if I were a two-year-old and Lottie waded in there like a tiny tiger. I’d have her in my regiment any day.’

  Cassy looked from one to the other in surprise. In the past their relationship had been fiery. One minute they were laughing and chatting like old friends, and the next they would be sparring like barristers on opposing sides. She met Lottie’s amused look with a grateful smile. ‘Thank you for taking care of him. As you can see, he’s quite a handful.’

  ‘It’s not easy for an active man to find himself dependent on others, but what Ollie hasn’t told you is that he has recovered a little of the feeling in his feet, which is an excellent sign. We’ll have him up and walking yet.’

  ‘You’ll come back to the house for luncheon, won’t you?’ Oliver said urgently. ‘I’ve got a whole list of questions I want answered.’

  Lottie shook her head. ‘I’m sorry. I’d love to, but I’ve got to get back to the hospital. I shouldn’t really be here but I managed to persuade the consultant that you ought to have someone with you, if only to prevent you from setting about the groom. You really were terribly rude to the poor man, and he was doing his best to help you.’

  No one had spoken to Oliver like that for a long time, and Cassy held her breath waiting for him to react angrily, but to her surprise he seemed not to have taken offence. In fact he appeared to be almost chastened. Cassy stared at Lottie in amazement. She had dared to do what everyone else had been too scared to attempt. She had put Oliver in his place.

  ‘I’ll apologise to the fellow if that makes you happy, doctor,’ he said meekly.

  ‘Not a doctor yet.’ Lottie patted him on the shoulder. ‘Give me time, though. I’ll say goodbye for now, but I really must get back to the hospital.’