“Do we?” I tilt my head. “What could we possibly talk about?”
He pushes his feet through the sand. “You know, I remember us going to surf school when we were little. You were so small and had no fear. You were like one of the boys, but it didn’t take long to see that you were all girl. I loved that about you.”
“Stop,” I tell him.
“You never gave a shit. You didn’t care about your hair. You didn’t worry if a wave came in and dragged you to shore with a mouthful of sand. You always got back up and did it again. Just like you loved to throw the football with me while Jules sat and watched us.” He glances at Jules.
“Sports were never my thing,” she says.
“But hanging out and playing with me was always your thing, Starkie. Until you met him.”
“I’m not doing this with you,” I say, leaning down and picking up my towel. Jules gets up quickly and folds her towel. I put my shorts on, and by the time I zip them up, Cole grabs me. “Take your hands off me.”
“He took you away from me!” he yells. I jerk my arm away. “You belonged to me!”
“I never belonged to you!” I rage into his face. Jules comes up next to me.
“Yes, you did! Our entire lives we were inseparable until you went to that damn community center!”
“Don’t you dare talk about Jace!”
Cole puts his hands on his waist and looks up and closes his eyes. “You were always different to me. You had to have known you were special to me.”
“You were special to me to, Cole. I loved hanging out with you, but I was a kid. I wasn’t even thinking about you or any other boy for that matter as anything but a friend. And, yes, you out of all boys—you were my very best friend.”
“Until him!” he screams.
“Stop! Just stop! Everything is always a competition to you!”
“That’s not true. Not when it came to you.”
“Especially when it came to me! From the moment you met Jace, right here in this very sand, you made him feel he wasn’t good enough. You wanted to belittle him and make him feel worthless every chance you got.”
“I loved you, and you treated me like a stranger. He took my place!”
“I was a kid! I didn’t go to the community center to fall in love, Cole, but it happened. I fell in love with Jace.”
“Why did you have to go there?” He clenches his jaw.
“Because I was meant to.”
“You never gave me a chance.”
“I couldn’t. My heart belonged to Jace the moment I met him.”
“Everything changed for us in that moment,” he whispers.
“Maybe any future we might have had changed, but I was just a young girl. I still loved you, but I’m sorry if your love for me grew into something mine didn’t.” I look down, trying to keep strong.
He runs his hands over his face. “I need to make us right again, Starkie.”
“You can’t,” I say, bringing my face back to his.
A tear falls out of his green eyes. “I need your forgiveness.”
I glance at Jules who has been rooted to my side. She has tears in her eyes. Emotional overload hits me like a wave dragging me into shore. I tilt my head, and Jules grabs my hand as tears swell in my eyes. “I’m right here,” she says. I smile, tears streaming down my face. I look back into the eyes of the very first boy I ever had in my life. He wipes his tears as I wipe mine, and I feel bad for only one person at this moment.
“I can’t forgive you, not until Jace is back in my arms, and then, I just don’t know, Cole.”
“I never meant for things to go so far.”
“You need to ask Jace for forgiveness. You need to think about the life that has been forever changed because of your jealousy. You need to think about the person who has been locked away for the last four and a half months. The person who sits there while we have sand between our toes—he needs your forgiveness.” Jules squeezes my hand as I say those last words.
“I’m sorry I ruined all of us.” Cole looks at Jules.
With her hand interwoven with mine, she nods. “Jace shouldn’t be in prison, Cole,” she says sadly with tears on her cheeks. She tugs on my hand. “See you later.” She grabs my beach bag and pulls me through the sand.
“Bye, Starkie,” he says.
I don’t turn around. I just make my way through the sand. Tears pour out of my eyes, and I gasp for air. Jules looks back at me. I pause to turn my head over my shoulder, but she stops me.
“Don’t look back, Shay. He’s staring at you. It will only hurt more.”
Once we get to my car, she unlocks it, throws my beach bag into the backseat, and we climb inside. She looks at me and wraps her arms around me as we both cry. Sometimes, I forget that Jules lost a childhood friend that night, too, as she cries against my neck.
SIX MONTHS AWAY FROM MY GIRL
“FORGIVENESS WILL FREE YOU.”
“Is that what God says?”
Reno sets his Bible down. “Do you believe in God, Jace?”
“Hell yeah, I do. At least when I turned thirteen, I started believing.”
“Why thirteen?”
“It’s how old I was when I met my girl.” I smile. “For a boy like me to have a girl like her love me like she does, how can I not?”
“Well, whatever makes you a believer.” Reno laughs.
“The second I looked into her eyes, I became a believer. My heart beat with purpose, and my soul came alive within me. I felt warm from the moment I met her. I can still remember the glow behind her. I thought she was an angel.”
“Maybe she is,” he says.
“She definitely is.”
He sits up. “What are you making?”
“It’s my girl’s birthday this week, and I always make her cards.”
He reaches over and looks at Shay’s card. “Nineteen years old, huh?”
“Yeah.”
“And you met her when you were thirteen?” He gives me a sly grin.
“How many girls have you banged in between those ages?”
“I haven’t banged any girls. I’ve only ever been with her.”
“Are you shitting me?”
“Not at all.” I look at the Bible in his hands. “You need to keep your nose in that book. I don’t know much about the Bible, but I do know that cheating is wrong. When you find the one you are meant to be with, you don’t ever betray that trust.”
“Yeah, bro, that’s why I read it. I want to be a better person and not make bad choices. I’m kind of a work in progress.”
“I think we’re always a work in progress, Reno. It’s just for me; there was never any doubt in my mind when I met her. I have never looked at another girl. I knew the second I looked at her I would never want anyone else.”
“Damn, you must really be in love,” he says. I draw a few more little pink hearts before I put the card inside its envelope.
“I’m head over heels, soul-crushing, heart-pounding, so fucking in love with my girl.”
He laughs. “Damn, Jace, that was like a romance movie.”
“I’ve been told I’m pretty swoony.”
“What the fuck is swoony?”
“I don’t really know. My girl has always told me things I say are swoony. I guess it means they’re sweet.”
“Yeah, that was pretty fucking sweet. I didn’t know I was living with a heartthrob.”
“Shut the fuck up,” I tell him, sealing Shay’s heart-shaped love.
HEART-SHAPED SADNESS
NINETEEN PINK HEARTS perfectly drawn around my name with the sweetest birthday wishes nestled inside his homemade card.
Baby,
Birthdays never meant anything to me until the very first time you told me yours. I remember when I was thirteen, and you were twelve, you told me you were still a tween, not a teen yet. You were so cute in that moment, and when you finally graduated to a “teen” like you used to say, I won’t ever forget how sweet it sounded. Every year I loo
ked forward to seeing your face light up and your voice take on that excitement. I will never forget your sweet sixteen at the beach when we let the waves move our bodies together, the way you wrapped your legs around me and held on while the water… I could have taken you right then and there. I love you.
On your eighteenth birthday, when you took your time unwrapping your charm bracelet, wanting to keep the flowered paper so perfect… Every single birthday we’ve shared is embedded inside my heart, and I’m missing you so bad on your special day.
I miss everything about us. I just want you to know that I’m singing to my girl, and I’m loving you so hard right now and sending you all kinds of heart-shaped love on your birthday, baby.
Love, your boy, Jace
I can’t stop the tears from falling as I look at my boy’s heart and soul crying out to me. I fold his love up nicely and slip it into the front pocket of my pale blue romper that matches his eyes. I won’t be without it. I walk back into the house after spending a moment to myself and go into the kitchen where everyone is gathered to watch me blow out my candles.
“We have to wait a few minutes. Beau’s running late,” Mom says, setting a perfectly frosted chocolate cake onto the table. Tristan runs his finger on the side of the cake. “Tristan!” She swats her delicate hand over my brother’s.
“Relax, Mom,” I tell her. Seriously, who cares?
A few minutes later, Beau walks in. After he hugs everyone, Dad lights nineteen sad candles. They sing “Happy Birthday,” and I try to smile, even though my heart is with Jace right now, unable to watch me blow out my candles. They finish with a dramatic “Happy birthday, Shay,” and then I close my eyes and wish upon every star that could line the sky that my boy will be released early, and the next time I make a wish, I will be on his lap with his arms around me.
1…2…3… I blow them out in one big breath.
IT WILL NEVER BE OKAY
I WALK THROUGH THE door, and my birthday girl is staring at me with the prettiest smile. She gets up, and our arms are around each other before I take my next breath.
“Happy birthday, baby,” I whisper against her soft neck, stealing a sweet kiss, soaking up every bit of sunshine she brings through that door.
“I love you so much,” she says like she always does the moment she sees me.
“I love you, birthday girl,” I say as we painfully pull away from our connection we long for. I softly sing the birthday song quietly to her as she entwines her hands into mine. My fingers give hers a little squeeze.
“I love when you sing.” She gently wipes a tear that dropped from her eye. “I can’t wait to make music with my sexy boy.”
I crack a smile. Through all of this, she gives me reminders of goals set in place before I let her down. It’s easy to forget when the only thing I’m worried about is getting out of here and back in her arms. Reality is, I’m getting out a felon who will need a means to take care of the girl I love, and she’s still dreaming of the music business.
“You have no idea what it did to me missing your birthday.”
“It’s okay.”
“It will never be okay to miss my girl’s day,” I tell her, leading her to the table we’ve sat at once a week for months. We sit as close as we can. She taps my foot with her Converse. I watch her little foot playfully tap…tap…tap. “What did you do on your birthday?” I ask her, looking back into her eyes.
“Well, I opened the best present ever, and then you know how my family is. Everyone gathered around me and sang ‘Happy Birthday’ while I blew out my candles.”
My eyes pull together, imagining her face lit with birthday wishes floating through her mind without me by her side. I try so hard to keep to the rules for fear of not getting to see her like this, but I fail often under her simple touches. Gently, carefully, without bringing attention to us, she lifts her hand, and her fingers graze my cheek. I lean into her, feeling the only home I will ever know.
“Tell me about that best present ever,” I say, kissing her soft palm. That’s our sign that even though we can’t be together, we are strong and want so much more. “I want to be inside my birthday girl.” I let her hand fall back to her lap. She shakes her head and gives me a pouty face, and I smile. “You know it will always be love when I’m inside my girl, right?” She gives me a sassy smile.
“Are you going to be rough with me when you finally have me again?”
I bite the side of my lip because her sassiness makes me fucking crazy. “Do you feel how gentle I am when I kiss the palm of your hand every week?”
“Yes.”
“The second I’m inside you I’m going to be so gentle and so slow. Nice and slow, baby.” I give her my best little grin that she loves. She rolls her eyes. “I’m just kidding. I’m going to crash so hard into you we’re going to have an epic collision, like one of those calendar-worthy kind of moments.” Her eyes widen, and she actually blushes. I lower my voice so it belongs only to her. “I could never be rough with you. I can promise you this, though—we will make love all night long. There is no doubt about that. I will probably lose myself the second I’m finally inside you.” She tilts her head, and I throw my head back and lick my lips. “Tell me about that present before I lose myself right here just thinking about you and me naked.”
Giggling, she says, “Well, I will say it had nineteen pretty hearts and the sweetest words written inside it.”
“You got it on time?”
“Yes, and it was the prettiest card.”
“I’m so glad you liked it.” I smile.
“I love your homemade cards.”
“I know you do,” I whisper, trying to grab her hand to bring her close to me so I can taste her lips. I’m so lucky I’ve never been called out for our closeness.
She looks around, knowing what I want, and when she says, “Give me your lips, baby,” I moan and don’t hesitate, because I know damn well she made sure no one was looking. Wasting no time when she’s with me, I press my lips to hers, and it’s like a burst of summer on my mouth. Coconut, tropical paradise, and warmth hit every fiber of my being.
“Open that mouth,” I say against her lips. She opens up, and like always, I slip my tongue into her sweetness, making quickie love to my everything. She pulls away too fast in fear we’ll be caught.
“Best quickie ever,” she whispers, licking her lips. She always does that. She says she wants every bit of us, and every time she says that, I can’t help but picture when I finally give her everything I have built up for her. “What are you thinking about?” she asks.
“You—I’m always thinking about you.” I grin, gazing into her forever-filled eyes until she’s ripped away from me again.
Shay,
Do you remember our first kiss? I remember my heart beating wildly in my chest as I put my hands on your cheeks when I told you I needed to kiss you. God, baby, our lips barely touched, and my body came alive. I remember resting my lips over yours, just to feel your softness and take in your touch. You whispered my name against our lips, and I remember feeling so much in that moment. I love when you say my name. And, the way our mouths moved together, I tried so hard not to attack you against that tree. I was begging for you to open up and let me slip my tongue inside your mouth. When you did, I knew I would never kiss another girl. I told myself there was no way I would ever be without you.
I just want you to know how I feel about you, how I will always feel about you.
So, yeah, your lips belong to me forever!
Love, your boy, Jace
Jace,
Do I remember our first kiss? Best first kiss ever! I rushed home and texted Jules to tell her all about it. I hope you don’t care because that’s what girlfriends do. We get all giddy and excited when those sweet first moments happen. She wanted all the details, but I didn’t give away too much, because our moments belong to us. I did give her a little something, though. You know how Jules is. I told her you took your strong hands and gently put them on my face a
nd pulled me to you, like slow motion kind of slow. You kissed me soft, sweet, like I was the most precious thing in the world. We kind of made our first kiss moment “National Kissing Day.” I told her my lips would never be the same.
More than anything,
Your girl
EIGHT MONTHS AWAY FROM MY BOY
“PULL IT OFF, SHAY.”
“Jules, you need to have the clerk check before she puts your merchandise in the bag so you can avoid this.”
“I was in a hurry. I assume they know what the heck they’re doing. My God, this dress alone cost six hundred dollars.”
“And, look.” I hold it up and show her the tiny hole that the theft device left after she pulled too hard. “Now you have a six hundred dollar dress with a hole.”
Jules stands up, putting the dress up to her. “Oh, well, it’s so small no one but us will know it’s there.”
“That’s not the point, Jules. You should take the time when you spend so much on clothes.”
“Yeah, yeah,” she says. “I can’t wait until I’m designing my own dresses so I don’t have to buy someone else’s. I thought we could lie by the pool for a while.” She smiles.
“I don’t want to miss hearing the phone ring if Jace calls me.”
“Shay, go outside and sit by the pool. Leave the doors open. You can hear the phone if it rings.” She opens my dresser drawer and throws me Jace’s favorite pink bikini and grabs one of my white suits for herself.
“He only gets a few minutes to talk, and if it takes a long time for me to answer the phone, he might lose his turn.”
“Maybe he has free time right now.”
“Is that what you think he gets, Jules? Freakin’ free time? This isn’t a damn movie!”
“Don’t get so sassy, Shay. We’ll open the doors to the terrace so you can hear the phone if it rings.”
“Okay,” I say nervously. “I’ll go out there with you, but I’m not lying out.”
Questionable Love (A Love Beyond Labels #2) Page 5