Battle Scars

by Meghan O'Brien

  “Oh,” Ray said. This explained why Carly wanted anything to do with her. Shifting in her chair, she tried hard to remain cordial as she decided what she should say. “I’m really sorry about your loss. I, uh, didn’t realize. That you were…you know.”

  “Thank you,” Carly murmured. Sitting up straight, she folded her hands on the table. “Ray, is this going to be a problem for you?”

  Would this be a problem? Ray wasn’t sure what this would be, except uncomfortable. “Well, I’m not a lesbian.”

  “Okay,” Carly said. “I assumed as much, honestly. I remember reading something about a boyfriend in one of those articles when you were…over there. He was also in the army, right?”

  “Right. Danny.” No need to tell Carly how they’d broken up immediately after Ray got home. How she couldn’t stand to be that close to anyone, especially a man.

  “Right,” Carly said. “So I’m gay, and you’re straight. I’m cool with that. I just thought we had some stuff in common, that maybe we would have fun hanging out. So I’ll ask again, is this going to be a problem for you?”

  She could tell Carly yes, Ray thought, but why? It would quickly end a blossoming friendship that Ray had already started to value. Over what? Ray wasn’t in the army anymore. Don’t ask, don’t tell wasn’t a concern. She was a civilian. And she could be friends with whomever she wanted. As long as Carly understood that friendship was all she had to give.

  “No,” Ray said quietly, relieved to find that it was true. “No, it won’t be a problem. I apologize.”

  “Accepted. I’m sorry if I took you by surprise.”

  Ray shook her head. “The military taught me to be wary of who I fraternize with. You know…guilt by association. But I’m not in the military anymore. I’m sorry I had a bad reaction.”

  “I get it. And if you’re concerned, I promise that my intentions toward you are innocent.”

  Blushing, Ray looked down at her plate. “I know,” she whispered. But she sensed she wasn’t fooling Carly. “I do have a problem with trusting people’s motives these days. Especially when it comes to why they’d want anything to do with me.”

  “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

  “Well, let’s be honest,” Ray said, forcing a laugh that she knew sounded painfully awkward. “I don’t have a lot going for me.”

  “We need to work on you giving yourself more credit,” Carly said. She waited until Ray met her eyes, then said, “Deal?”

  Slowly, Ray’s embarrassment began to melt away. Carly was moving them past this horrible moment, and everything still seemed fairly okay between them. Amazing.

  “Deal.” Ray was grateful that one of them knew how to nurture a friendship.

  “I bought a strawberry-rhubarb pie for dessert. Are you interested in a slice, or do you need some time to let your food digest?”

  Groaning, Ray put a hand on her swollen belly. “Time, please. That was just too good. I’m about to pop.”

  Carly pushed away from the table. “Then what do you say we go check on the dogs?”

  *

  Carly leaned back in her cushioned patio chair, laughing as she watched Jagger hop around Jack. He was doing a damn good job of keeping up with the smaller dog, who she was confident would sleep well tonight. “They’ve really hit it off,” she said, then glanced over at Ray.

  Ray hugged her knees to her chest as she gazed out at the yard. She was smiling, but her eyes shone with an emotion that looked close to sorrow. “I wish I could make friends so easily.”

  “Yeah, there’s not a lot of bullshit between dogs. I’ll sniff your butt, you sniff mine, now let’s go run around like lunatics.”

  Snorting quietly, Ray said, “Maybe in my next life.”

  “I think you’re doing just fine in this one.” Carly studied Ray’s face, unsurprised at the shadow that passed over it. Ever since the conversation about her sexuality, Ray had been even more reserved. Carly couldn’t help but worry that it was a problem for her. Disappointing, if that were the case. Then again, maybe Ray could sense her lingering attraction. Though Carly would never act on it, she couldn’t blame Ray for feeling uncomfortable.

  “I’m sorry again that I questioned your motives for inviting me over.” Ray kept her voice low, almost as though she didn’t want the dogs to overhear. Staring straight ahead, she was clearly avoiding eye contact. “I was completely ridiculous.”

  “Please, don’t apologize,” Carly said. Especially not when there was a kernel of justification for her concerns. “I threw you for a loop. You probably didn’t have a lot of gay and lesbian friends in the military.”

  Ray’s mouth twitched. “Who knows?”

  “Very true.”

  “I am sorry, though. I feel…pretty stupid.”

  “Don’t.”

  “I mean, to think that you… Well, I’m not exactly much of a catch.” Ray covered her face with her hands, visibly cringing. “I’m such an asshole.”

  Carly frowned. She didn’t like the negative self-talk, but she wasn’t sure it would be appropriate to assure Ray there was absolutely nothing ridiculous about the idea that Carly could be attracted to her. Taking a breath, Carly decided that maybe being honest would help ease some of Ray’s embarrassment. “Look, you’re a beautiful woman. There’s nothing stupid about assuming that someone might have a romantic interest. But I assure you, I want you for your sparkling personality. And your fine choice of canine companions.”

  Ray dropped her hands, revealing red-tinged cheeks. “You’re way too nice to have anything to do with me. You know that, right?”

  “I have a different opinion,” Carly said. “Deal with it.”

  “Yes, Doctor.”

  Carly had to suppress a shiver at the way Ray’s voice lowered when she used her title. Her intentions were pure, damn it. If she didn’t want to chase Ray away, she needed to put a lid on any thoughts of being attracted to her.

  “So what’s the deal with the obstacle course?” Ray asked.

  Carly was relieved that the subject had reverted to dogs. “I’m doing agility with Jack. It’s hardly a full course, or even a particularly good one, but I set up some simple obstacles so we could practice at home.”

  “Agility? They actually have obstacle courses for dogs?”

  “Oh, yeah. It’s a legitimate sport. The handler directs the dog through a number of obstacles. It’s timed and scored.”

  “Wow.” Ray gazed out over the yard again. “I had no idea. I bet Jack would be great at that. He seems very athletic.”

  “You have no idea.” Carly sat forward in her chair. “Want us to show you?”

  “Really?” Ray’s excitement was unmistakable. “Yeah, please.” Whistling, she called Jagger to her. “Sit,” she told him, and he plopped down at her side.

  Carly stood, scratching Jack on the neck. His fur was soaking wet, evidence that Jagger had used him as a chew toy. “Gross,” she murmured, and shook her hand off. “Come on, boy. Let’s show Ray what you’ve got.”

  She ran him through the course twice, stealing glances at her guest as they went. Ray was clearly transfixed, and her response unleashed an unexpected flood of affection in Carly. That something as simple as a dog running an agility course could make her so excited was frankly charming. She rarely encountered such a lack of pretense in other women.

  After Jack completed the course the second time, Carly waved Ray over. “Come on. Why don’t you give it a try?”

  Ray moved as though to stand, then sat back. “Me? I don’t know how.”

  “I’ll show you.”

  “I’ve never worked with a dog before.”

  “You love them. That’s the only qualification you need to start learning.”

  Expecting her to come up with something else, Carly was surprised when Ray stood and joined her. Her enthusiasm was palpable. “Okay. Tell me what to do.”

  Carly took Ray through each obstacle with Jack, explaining the necessary commands and tips for keeping him
focused. Ray listened attentively and asked questions that revealed a deep intelligence and curiosity. Despite Carly’s earlier vow to put a lid on her attraction, she grew ever more interested. By the time she stepped back to let Ray take Jack through the obstacles on her own, she was watching the former soldier in awe.

  Ray was completely transformed when she worked with Jack. She wore a full, toothy smile, laughing easily when she or he made a mistake or accomplished a goal. The limping gait Carly had been wondering about nearly disappeared as she ran alongside Jack, her entire body seemingly infused with new strength. Ray was glowing, so inexplicably beautiful that Carly’s heart hurt.

  Oh, she was in deep trouble. And she knew she couldn’t turn back now.

  “Excellent,” Carly said when they finished the course successfully. Clapping, she bent and greeted Jack with a flurry of pats and praise. “Good job, both of you.”

  “That was fun.” Ray jogged over to join them. “He’s amazing.”

  “Thanks.” Carly watched Ray scratch Jack’s chest, struck by a sudden thought. “I wish I had more time to practice with him. I want to enter him in an agility trial in June, but with my work schedule, I don’t think we’ll be ready.”

  “Are you kidding me? He’s great! I can’t imagine he needs that much more training.”

  “I haven’t even taught him some of the obstacles yet. Like the weave poles. He doesn’t know the first thing about weave poles.”

  Ray frowned. “Is that hard to teach?”

  “It can be challenging. And we usually only get a half hour or so of training time in the evenings. We make it to some of the classes on the weekends, but we miss a lot of them.”

  Something passed across Ray’s face, and Carly knew she had guessed where Carly was leading. “Well, could I…I mean, could I help?”

  Perfect. Carly grinned, excited at the thought of having Ray spend time with Jack. It would be wonderful for Ray, if these few minutes of practice were any indication. And Carly would feel a lot less guilt over her work schedule if she didn’t have to imagine Jack being bored in her office. “Would you want to?”

  “Sure.” Excitement began to creep into Ray’s voice. “I have nothing but time.”

  “I take Jack to the clinic with me, but he usually ends up napping in my office all day. If you wanted to take him a day or two during the week while I’m at work—”

  “Absolutely! Seriously? You’d let me do that?”

  Carly laughed. “Are you kidding? Doggy day care? And free training to boot? You’d be doing me a huge favor.”

  Ray dropped her gaze to her feet. “Well, I don’t know about that.”

  “Trust me, I’d appreciate it more than you know. But if it ends up being too much for you, please tell me. I don’t want him to overwhelm you.”

  “He won’t overwhelm me.” Ray stroked Jack’s head. “I love him. He’s great.”

  “Then it’s a deal,” Carly said, so proud of Jack for attracting such instant devotion. With any luck, Ray might learn to trust her, too.

  Chapter Seven

  Carly woke up with a groan, disappointed as hell that Jack had decided to whine to be let out just as she was nearing Ray for a long-anticipated kiss. Her dream slipped away quickly, leaving behind scant traces of the warm intimacy. She longed to stay in that fuzzy in-between place on the edge of waking, to bask a little longer in the sense of closeness she’d lost with Nadia.

  Jack whined louder, then scratched at her bedroom door.

  “Couldn’t you have waited five more minutes?” Carly’s lament appeared to have no effect on his bladder, so she threw off her comforter with a sigh. Time to get up, whether she liked it or not. It was probably for the best. She shouldn’t be dreaming about her new—and very platonic—friend. “Just saving me from myself, is that it?”

  Jack’s next noise indicated he couldn’t care less about saving her, but if she wanted to save her carpet, she’d better start moving. She hurried to let him out, following close behind as he dashed to the den and pranced around in front of the sliding door. Once he was safely in the backyard, she collapsed onto the couch and closed her eyes, thinking back to the day before.

  She’d dropped Jack off at Ray’s house in the morning, and when she returned for him after work, Ray had greeted her with dinner for two. Despite her self-proclaimed microwave-chef status, Ray made delicious homemade fajitas, and they’d enjoyed a second meal together that was markedly less tense than the first. Carly was even able to sit back and let Ray carry the conversation with excited chatter about her day’s progress with Jack’s agility training.

  Apparently their first session together had been a success and Jack was getting the hang of the new equipment. To Carly’s surprise, Ray had downloaded plans from the Internet and built homemade weave poles from PVC pipe, as well as a tire jump and a teeter board. Ray glowed with an obvious sense of accomplishment, and Jack seemed happy too, and tired, which was always nice.

  Carly wished she could share everyone else’s contentedness. Though she was thrilled with how well Ray seemed to be doing, and grateful that Jack had something more fulfilling to do with his days than sit in her office, Carly was uneasy about what this friendship meant for her. Her attraction to Ray was growing, no longer within her control, and she suddenly had a gut-churning desire to be in love again, to share her days with someone other than Jack. After she had avoided intimacy for five years, her heart had seemingly decided to betray her and yearn for love. She didn’t want to be alone anymore.

  “This is stupid,” Carly said out loud. “If I really wanted a relationship, I wouldn’t be pining over someone so completely unavailable.” These feelings were a defense mechanism, nothing more, which could only hurt her more than help. “Goddamn it, Leeann was right.”

  The phone rang, rousing Carly from her reverie. Suspecting it was Leeann having somehow intuited that Carly had just granted her a point, she reached over the coffee table and fumbled around until she located the cordless handset.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey,” a quiet voice at the other end said, instantly sending a pleasant shiver down Carly’s spine. “This is Ray. McKenna.”

  Chuckling, Carly squeezed her thighs together to ward off the pleasure of hearing Ray’s shy voice. “How are you this morning, Ray McKenna?”

  “I’m good.” Ray cleared her throat. “I hope I didn’t wake you?”

  “Not at all. Jack took care of that.”

  “Good. Better his fault than mine.”

  Carly beamed. This was the first time Ray had called her. She was glad to have some proof that she wasn’t simply harassing her new friend, that this thing, whatever it was, wasn’t entirely one-sided. “He likes to sleep in on the days we have to get up early to work. But when I have a chance to sleep in, his bladder gets weak.”

  “Naturally.” Ray paused so long Carly considered fishing for the reason behind this unexpected call, but then Ray said, “What are you doing tonight?”

  “Nothing exciting.” Carly held her breath at the awkward breakthrough she sensed she was witnessing. Did Ray really plan to invite her to do something? “Maybe watching a movie or playing a video game.”

  “I got some movies from Netflix. I, uh… Did you want to come over and watch one with me?”

  Closing her eyes, Carly tried to will her heart not to start beating faster. This wasn’t a date, for God’s sake. She needed to internalize that this was a platonic friendship, nothing more. If she didn’t, she might lose it. “That sounds like fun. Do you want me to bring something?”

  “Oh. Um.” Ray stuttered like she hadn’t been expecting her to accept and was trying to figure out what to say next. “Sure, if you want.”

  “Anything in particular?” Carly tried not to let Ray hear her smile. This type of thing was obviously difficult for Ray and she probably had no idea how damn cute she sounded. Yeah, I’ve got it bad.

  “Oh! Um, popcorn?”

  “Perfect. I did tell you that the microwa
ve is my specialty.”

  “That’s what I heard.” Ray sounded as though she was relaxing. She was likely stroking Jagger’s head as they spoke. Ray always reached out to Jagger when she began to get anxious, and Jagger was always right there waiting when she needed him.

  “Five o’clock?” Carly asked.

  “That sounds great. Thank you.”

  The relief in Ray’s voice indicated that she was eager to hang up. How hard was it for her to pick up the phone and put herself out there like this? Touched by Ray’s devotion to their friendship, Carly vowed to shut down any thoughts of romance once and for all. Ray deserved a friend who respected her limits and truly understood what it took for her to trust.

  Humbled, Carly put her hand over her heart, willing it back into check. “No, Ray, thank you.”

  *

  Ray fell to her knees clapping after Jack tentatively negotiated the homemade weave poles, then braced herself for impact as he raced to greet her. Jagger watched from the pillow she’d placed on the back patio, lazy but interested. Ray endured Jack’s arrival, laughing as she hugged him. Jack wagged his tail madly, feeding off her excitement.

  “You’re brilliant, buddy.” After only two weeks of practice, he clearly had the weave poles down. Now they just had to work on speed and confidence. “I’m so proud of you.”

  More than that, Ray had to admit, she was proud of herself. Three weeks ago, she had no idea dog agility existed. After a lot of research, she had not only built quality equipment, but her dog-training knowledge was really starting to click. Working with Jack felt natural, taking her away from her usual daily worries. It absorbed her totally, and between Jagger’s steady devotion and this new hobby with Jack, Ray was experiencing an unanticipated surge of confidence.

  Calling Jagger to her side, Ray walked into the house flanked by both dogs. Chest out and shoulders back, she felt tall in a way she vaguely remembered from boot camp. Back when she was certain of everything and totally naïve about just as much.