Battle Scars

by Meghan O'Brien

  “You sound like you had good parents.”

  “I have great parents. They live in Portland.” Carly hesitated, uncertain whether Ray would feel like she was prying if she asked about her family. She usually tried to stay away from asking so many things she was dying to know about Ray. But they had trust now, didn’t they? “How about you? Where’s your family?”

  Ray swapped pups again, keeping the first snoozing girl in her lap. “Oh, my mother lives near Grand Rapids, Michigan. My younger sister teaches near Flint, and my older sister moved to Boston with her husband. My father passed away when I was a teenager.”

  “I’m sorry,” Carly said.

  “Me, too. He was my best friend.”

  “Do you keep in touch with your sisters or your mom?”

  “Not really.” Ray shifted a little, momentarily waking the puppy in her lap. “Not lately.”

  Recognizing discomfort, Carly decided to drop the subject. She hadn’t meant to open a can of worms.

  To her surprise, Ray kept talking. “My father was in a wheelchair after he came home from Vietnam. He struggled at times, but his service was very important to him. He’s one of the big reasons I joined the army. I thought he would be proud.”

  “I’m sure he would be very proud.”

  Ray shook her head, smiling without humor. “Yeah.” She kissed the puppy in her hands. “I’m sure.”

  “So what was the other big reason? For joining?”

  Ray’s expression turned rueful. “Money for college. Not that I’m putting that GI Bill to good use now.”

  “You’re still recovering,” Carly said in a low voice. “That takes time. And you’ve got your whole life ahead of you.”

  Ray met her eyes and held her gaze for so long that Carly almost looked away. It was too intense. When Ray made eye contact, Carly felt as though she were being laid bare, that all her emotions and desires were on the surface for Ray to see no matter how hard she tried to hide them.

  “I’m still trying to get used to that idea,” Ray said, finally looking away. “Having my whole life ahead of me.”

  Carly cuddled the puppy in her arms, but said nothing. If Ray wanted to talk, she didn’t want to dissuade her.

  “I thought I was going to die over there.” Ray returned the second puppy to the pen and resumed petting the one that slept in her lap. “I never even let myself imagine a time after captivity.”

  Carly’s heart thumped rapidly and her throat tightened. Ray had never spoken specifically about her experience in Iraq. Carly stayed very still, afraid that if she moved she might frighten Ray’s words away. Even though she was scared to hear the details, Carly needed to know what had happened to Ray over there.

  When Ray fell silent, Carly decided to encourage her. “If you want to talk, I’m here.”

  Ray shrugged. “I’ve only ever discussed it with my commanding officers and my therapist.”

  “I’m sure it’s not easy to talk about.” Carly nodded at the pen full of squirming, yipping Labs. “Puppies are excellent listeners, though.”

  “I’ve heard that.” Ray sat playing with the sleeping pup’s ears. Without looking up, she said, “I was a sixty-eight-W health care specialist. A medic.”

  “I know,” Carly said. Wikipedia had told her that much. “One of the first women to be assigned as an infantry combat medic, right?”

  “Right.”

  “You must have been pretty proud.”

  Ray’s eyes darkened. “Women are in combat over there all the time, no matter what the army says. They need to catch up with the reality on the ground and change their ridiculous policy. It has no bearing on what’s really happening.”

  “Still, to be one of the first officially assigned to a combat unit. That’s pretty special.”

  “I was proud at the time, yes. Still am, I guess. Some people have suggested that what happened to me is the perfect example of why women shouldn’t be allowed to serve in combat situations. So I’m not sure it was all that great a thing after all. For women in general.”

  Carly remembered the debate that raged in the media for a short time after the insurgents released the first videotape of Ray. In between playing the footage over and over ad nauseum, the talking heads pondered whether seeing a woman in such dire circumstances would cause some to reconsider the wisdom of putting female American soldiers in harm’s way. The speculation had annoyed Carly at the time, but now she felt downright angry.

  “That’s ridiculous,” she said. “What happened to you had nothing to do with your gender. Would it have been any less traumatic if you were a man?”

  “I agree. But some people don’t see it that way.”

  “Some people are wrong.”

  Ray gave her a humorless smile. “Even so, it sucks to feel like I helped set back that particular issue ten years.”

  “You didn’t do any such thing. Did you like medicine?”

  “I’m not sure I’d call what I did medicine, exactly. I reminded the guys to stay hydrated, I patched up holes. I liked it enough, though. At one point I thought I’d go to medical school when I got out.”

  “Still interested?”

  “Not at all.”

  Carly wished she knew what was appropriate to ask and what she should leave alone. “I bet you saw some pretty horrible things. But I’m sure you did a lot of good, too.”

  “Well, not when it really counted,” Ray said in a husky voice. She shuddered almost imperceptibly, but Carly caught it. Immediately she wished she could take back the words that had clearly triggered a memory.

  Instinctively, Carly touched Ray’s knee. “Ray, I’m sorry. You don’t have to talk about this if it’s too hard.”

  Ray looked down at Carly’s hand, something indefinable in her eyes. “It feels good to have someone I want to talk to.”

  Embarrassed to have been caught touching her again, Carly murmured, “I’m sorry.” As she pulled away, Ray’s hand landed awkwardly on Carly’s, squeezed, then retreated. Carly returned her hand to her own lap, skin burning from the brief contact.

  “It’s okay,” Ray said quietly. “There’s not a lot to tell, honestly. An IED disabled our Humvee, and a group of insurgents ambushed us. I broke my leg. A lot of guys were hurt in the explosion, and I didn’t even make it to the first one before they grabbed me and put me in a car.”

  “You can’t blame yourself for that. They were waiting for you, ready to take hostages. Your leg was broken. What could you have done?”

  “I was trained to respond to all kinds of situations,” Ray said tightly. “I should have done something.”

  Carly detected a faint undercurrent of self-loathing in Ray’s voice. Despite the fact that she hadn’t been the only soldier taken that day, she clearly blamed herself. And she was the only one to make it back alive. Carly knew better than to press this point. Guilt was tricky, resistant to even the best logic. And once you were intimate with guilt, it was hard to let it go.

  “You were very brave,” Carly said. “I can’t imagine how scary it must have been.”

  “Pretty scary.” Closing her eyes, Ray took a couple of deep breaths. When her shoulders dropped slightly, Carly realized how tense she had been. Ray opened her eyes, clearly done talking about this for the moment. “I’m okay now.” Giving Carly a shy smile, she said, “Excellent, actually.”

  Carly’s heart pitter-pattered, silly with excitement over Ray’s implied meaning. “I’ll say. I can’t tell you how proud of you I am. You’ve been great with Jack, and your confidence is soaring.”

  Ray’s smile turned into a grin. “I’ve been feeling pretty happy. Strong.”

  “Jagger and Jack have done you a lot of good.”

  “Don’t give them all the credit.” Ray poked Carly’s foot with the toe of her shoe. “You’ve done me a world of good, too.”

  Face burning, Carly poked back. “Ditto.”

  Looking pleased, Ray glanced down at the puppy in her lap just as it woke up and began to chew on
her finger. “Ouch!” Ray laughed and pulled away. “She’s got a mouth full of needles.”

  “Ah, puppy teeth. I know them well.”

  “I’ll bet.” Ray placed the puppy back in its pen with its littermates. She rolled a ball toward the corner of the wire enclosure, sending three puppies stumbling after it. “Courageous woman.”

  “Worth it, though,” Carly remarked, watching the puppies give chase.

  “Totally worth it.”

  Ray brought her injured finger to her mouth, blowing on it gently. Carly’s attention drifted to Ray’s lips, then she forced herself to look away. No sense driving herself crazy. Her gaze landed on Ray’s wrist, where for the first time she noticed a slightly raised white scar set against the pale skin. Carly blinked in surprise. If she didn’t know better—

  “I didn’t try to kill myself or anything,” Ray said in a quiet voice. Startled, Carly dragged her eyes away from the scar and found Ray staring at her red-faced. “The plastic restraints they used cut into me.” She showed Carly the other wrist, which had a matching scar that actually looked more severe. “I struggled a lot in the beginning, not that it did me any good.”

  Embarrassed to have been caught staring, Carly felt her cheeks grow hot. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to be nosy.”

  Ray shrugged, clearly trying to act more nonchalant than she was able to pull off. “You would have noticed sooner or later. I don’t blame you for being curious.”

  The two of them probably looked like quite the pair, blushing at one another. Carly imagined that those weren’t Ray’s only scars, and she tried not to think too hard about where the others might be. Or how she desperately wanted to kiss each one, to take Ray’s pain away.

  “Like I said, I think you’re very brave,” Carly said finally. “The real question is, are you brave enough to withstand more puppy teeth?”

  Ray visibly relaxed, then raised an eyebrow as she dipped into the pen to pick up the feistiest puppy of the bunch. “Watch me.”

  Chapter Nine

  Ray tried to play it cool, but Dr. Evans was good at reading her mood. “You look radiant today,” Dr. Evans said, her own joy evident despite the grainy obfuscation of the video chat window. “I take it things are going well.”

  “Very well.” Ray allowed herself to grin. No point in being shy about it. She was feeling better than she had in years. “I’m feeling good.”

  “Awesome. Any particular reason, or just having a good day?”

  “Good day, good week.” Ray leaned back in her office chair, dropping her hand to pet Jagger’s head. “Great friend.”

  “Carly?”

  Ray laughed. “That’s the one. The only one.”

  “One friend is a wonderful thing. Better than none.”

  “Definitely. Although I’m forgetting someone.” Ray unclipped the webcam from her monitor, aiming it at the second dog pillow that sat next to her chair. Jack lifted his head, looked at the webcam, then settled back down with a deep sigh. “This is Jack.”

  “Ah, the famous Jack. It’s nice to put a face with the name.”

  Ray laughed as she returned the camera to its original position. “I know it’s silly, but I consider him a friend, too.”

  “Not silly. Dogs can be incredible friends. But I am glad to hear that your human friendship is working out, too.”

  “It’s more than working out. It’s amazing. Carly’s amazing.”

  “Tell me,” Dr. Evans said.

  “She took me to this puppy-petting thing at the service-dog institute the other day.” Ray let herself enjoy the memory of that afternoon. Even though she had been scared to let Carly drive her someplace unknown, the experience had turned out to be amazing. Not only the puppies, but the shift in their friendship. “She arranged for us to spend some time with a litter, and it was so much fun.”

  “That does sound like fun,” Dr. Evans said. “She sounds like a very good friend.”

  “She’s incredible. I’ve never felt like this about anyone. Even before Iraq. I mean, Danny was my best friend, no doubt, but we bonded on a completely different level.”

  “How so?”

  “My relationship with Danny was more of a surface thing. Don’t get me wrong, I loved him. We had a lot of fun together. But I’m not sure I ever trusted him as much as I trust Carly. I can’t explain it. Something about her makes me want to be with her all the time.”

  Dr. Evans opened her mouth to speak, then hesitated. Something about that pause put Ray on edge slightly, and she sat back in her chair. She was gushing about Carly, wasn’t she? Was that weird?

  “What?” Ray asked.

  “I was just remembering that you mentioned Carly is a lesbian,” Dr. Evans said. “It’s interesting that when you talk about her, the first thing that comes up is Danny. That’s an intriguing comparison.”

  “What are you trying to say?”

  “I’m not trying to say anything. I’m just making an observation.”

  “Well, it sounds pretty wrongheaded to me. Danny was my best friend since high school. Carly is my best friend right now. That’s the extent of the similarity.”

  “Of course,” Dr. Evans said. “They’re both very important people in your life. We’re talking about two of the most intimate relationships you’ve ever had.”

  “I’m not a lesbian.”

  Dr. Evans blinked and took a moment to respond. “I’m not trying to offend you, Ray. Or suggest anything that makes you uncomfortable.”

  “I’m not uncomfortable. It’s unfair to assume that just because Carly is gay, me liking her means that I’m gay too.”

  Dr. Evans raised her hand. “I apologize, Ray. I didn’t mean to touch a nerve.”

  “Well, that was awfully presumptuous.” Ray twisted her hands in her lap, so upset she wanted to shut down their session right now. Couldn’t she be friends with a lesbian without raising the suspicion that her feelings were something more than platonic? “Plenty of people have gay friends without being gay themselves.”

  “You’re absolutely right. Honestly, Ray, I didn’t realize that my comment would upset you like it has. Please accept my apology.”

  Ray took a deep breath, trying like hell to calm down. Dr. Evans had definitely touched a nerve, and even Ray was surprised by the force of her reaction to the mere suggestion that she was attracted to Carly. Deep down, she knew that her passionate denial hinted at something she couldn’t bear to explore very closely. At least not yet.

  “I’m sorry too, Dr. Evans.” Ray finally looked at her therapist’s image on the screen. “I’m a little oversensitive. In the military, that’s a serious accusation. Old habits die hard.”

  “Understood. At any rate, I’m thrilled that you’ve got this new friendship in your life. She’s helping you get out there and experience new things.”

  “It’s pretty cool.” Ray took another breath, forcing herself to let down her guard again. “I talked to her a little bit…about Iraq.”

  “And how was that?”

  “Good. A little scary, but she doesn’t push me. She just…lets me talk. Or not.”

  “Sounds perfect.”

  “She is.” Ray felt a niggling of unease, a creeping doubt about the way she talked about Carly. Why did Dr. Evans have to raise the idea that she was attracted to Carly? Now she felt self-conscious, like everything she said was a giant red flag. “It’s good to have a friend again.”

  “It’ll be very healing for you to be able to share some of what you’ve been going through with someone you trust. You’re gaining confidence and should find it easier to cope with life when you’ve got someone on your side.”

  “You’re right,” Ray said. “Moving here was the best thing I could have done.”

  “I was worried about what this move would mean for you. But you’re flourishing, and I’m very proud of you.”

  Ray’s eyes filled at the compliment, which meant a lot coming from someone who had seen her at her lowest low. Often she worried that she w
ould disappoint Dr. Evans, so it felt good to have made her proud. And it was even better to be proud of herself.

  Chapter Ten

  “Please just don’t tell me you told me so.” Carly held the phone to her ear and waited for Leeann to let her have it.

  But Leeann must have heard the sorrow in Carly’s tone, because she was all sympathy. “Oh, honey.”

  Carly rolled onto her side and brought her knees to her chest, still huddled under her sleep-warmed comforter. She hadn’t been able to get out of bed this morning with the sad longing sunrise had brought. “I knew I was attracted to her, but I didn’t think I’d fall in love.”

  “You’re in love with her?”

  “I don’t know.” Every time Carly saw Ray’s number on her caller ID, warmth bloomed in the pit of her stomach. Ray was beautiful, pure joy to be around, and as Ray let her guard down, Carly’s feelings only grew stronger. Their relationship was possibly more one-sided than Carly cared to admit, but sometimes she thought she saw something in the way Ray looked at her that hinted at possibilities she didn’t dare entertain. “Maybe not yet. But I think it’s inevitable.”

  “I know you feel very strongly about her, Carly, but you need to back off a little.” Leeann’s voice was tight with concern, and Carly knew she was trying to be tactful. “For your own good.”

  “I can’t.” The very thought made Carly feel like she couldn’t quite catch her breath. “I know it’s probably the smart thing to do, but I can’t abandon Ray.”

  “You wouldn’t be abandoning her. Just taking a step back. Gaining some distance.”

  “I don’t want distance. She makes me happy, Leeann.”

  “At what cost?” Leeann’s passion was rising, her familiar protective instincts advancing. “You need someone who can return your love, honey. I don’t want your first experience after Nadia to be heartache.”

  “Neither do I. But I can’t control how I feel.” Carly pushed her face into her pillow, muffling a groan. “I’ve gotten myself into this mess and I’m scared to death, but I can’t stand not having her in my life. Even as just a friend.”