Battle Scars

by Meghan O'Brien

  Carly paused. Surely Ray remembered that Jack’s agility trial was tomorrow, and the last thing Carly wanted to do was pressure Ray by mentioning it. Though Ray had clearly wanted to go at one point, things were different now. And it wasn’t worth making Ray feel as though anything hinged on her attendance. Still, Carly wanted to be sure that Ray knew where she would be, if she did try to call.

  “I’m taking Jack to the agility trial in Santa Rosa tomorrow, so if you call and I don’t answer, that’s why. I love you, Ray. Please call me.”

  Carly disconnected and slipped the phone into the pocket of her pajama pants. Improbable as a return call might be, she didn’t want to risk missing it. All she could do was hope that Ray really listened to what she had to say. The rest, unfortunately, was out of her hands.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Ray fiddled with her key chain as she replayed Carly’s voice mail for the third time in a row. Because she had also listened five times before going to bed the night before, she knew the words by heart. That didn’t make it any less important to hear them again now. Standing on her front porch with Jagger at her side, Ray was trying to work up the nerve to get in her truck. Jack’s agility trial began in fifty minutes, so if she wanted to make it there on time, she needed to leave immediately.

  Carly’s apology sounded so sad. Apparently Ray’s silence had led her to take all the responsibility for their separation, even as Ray came to a different conclusion. Though she appreciated Carly’s promise never again to leave her alone with her demons, being away from Carly had forced her to deal with some issues she never imagined she could. Right or wrong, the possibility of losing Carly made Ray realize that if she wanted to be in a relationship with someone, she had to push herself even harder than she did when she was alone. Because it wasn’t all about her anymore.

  Ray closed her phone and tucked it into her pocket. She had wanted to go to the event before their separation, but she wasn’t positive she would have. Now she didn’t have a choice. Though Carly wouldn’t hold it against her if she didn’t, Ray needed to swallow her fear and go. For Jack, for Carly, for herself.

  “Easier said than done,” Ray said to Jagger. “Right?”

  With his large yellow eyes and solemn face, Jagger always looked as though he were commiserating with whatever she said. Ray rubbed his ears, then exhaled.

  “We can do this,” she murmured under her breath. She could do anything, right? After coming out to both her sisters and her mother on the same exhilarating day, something like this shouldn’t faze her. She just had to drive to Santa Rosa and sit in a crowd of spectators who would be paying more attention to the competing dogs than to her.

  Piece of cake.

  Ray snorted. This was anything but a piece of cake. But she would do it anyway. To prove to Carly and to herself that she could, and to show Carly that she would do absolutely anything to keep her.

  Drawing up every ounce of her courage, Ray stepped off the porch with Jagger in tow. She buckled them into the car quickly, then turned the truck’s engine over and pulled out of the driveway in one swift motion. If she didn’t allow herself to hesitate, hopefully she would reach a point where it would be too late to back out. Because the last thing she wanted was to back out now.

  She had considered returning Carly’s call last night, but held back for the same reason she’d stayed silent for the past week. She didn’t want to make any promises she couldn’t keep, and she hadn’t been sure she would be able to work up the nerve to go today. It had seemed easier to say nothing and hope for the best, even while reserving the right to fail miserably at this test of her new resolve. Going to the agility trial had taken on epic importance in her mind, and if she was going to chicken out she didn’t want to disappoint Carly too.

  What would Carly think if Ray managed to show up? Or, rather, when Ray showed up? She would be proud, no doubt. But would she be upset that Ray hadn’t called first? Or even offered to ride with her? Carly had to be frustrated by Ray’s failure to return her calls, even though she sounded more worried than irritated. Especially when Ray gave no indication that continuing to call was anything but a pointless waste of time.

  And yet the calls kept coming, bless Carly’s heart. Some part of her had been testing Carly, trying to determine whether she would cut and run at the first sign of trouble. These past few weeks weren’t among Ray’s finest moments, though she liked to think she had achieved some measure of grace here at the end. Being honest with her family about Carly, and having their relationship accepted, was huge. It got her ready to take the next step, which was to invite Carly back into her life.

  Maybe now she could be worthy of Carly’s love.

  Ray took in a road sign with surprise. She hadn’t even noticed when Bodega Highway turned into Highway 12. Like it or not, she was fast approaching her destination. This was the point of no return she had been hoping to reach. Resolved, she kept moving forward.

  She had plugged the address into her GPS and now she started obeying the spoken directions, concentrating on the maze of streets she drove through rather than dwelling on what awaited her at the fairgrounds. She wore a baseball cap and her favorite pair of sunglasses, so she doubted anyone would recognize her. She had no reason to be nervous. Everyone was there to watch the dogs, not worry about who the shy woman with the Great Dane might be.

  Ray kept up the internal pep talk as she drove into a large parking lot and found a spot near the back wall. She pulled into a space and turned off the truck quickly, so she wouldn’t be tempted to back right out again. Putting her keys in her pocket, she sat with her hands on the steering wheel and closed her eyes.

  “I am the captain of my soul.” Ray gripped the wheel tight to stop the trembling of her hands. She thought of Carly’s strawberry-blond hair and how soft it was against her face when they held one another. Then the way Carly’s curves felt beneath her fingers. “I’m doing this, goddamn it. Right now.”

  She grabbed Jagger’s leash and didn’t look back.

  People and dogs were everywhere. For a moment Ray forgot her nerves as she marveled at the bustling activity. This should make her nervous, so much movement, so many people, but the dogs kept her calm. They trotted next to their owners, all of them grinning and excited, and their enthusiasm was infectious. Even Jagger seemed to pick up on the positive energy, galumphing at her side happily as they made their way into the stands around the large dirt arena where the agility course was set up.

  Ray saw a series of jumps, two tunnels, an A-frame and a dogwalk, and of course the dreaded weave poles. She smiled as she sat down with Jagger, taking in the entire course. She hadn’t worked with Jack in weeks, unfortunately, but she knew he could handle everything that came at him today. Excitement built in the pit of her stomach, slowly replacing the fear she had been carrying around for days.

  A surreptitious look around confirmed that, as she guessed, nobody was paying attention to her. One woman glanced at Jagger, grinned, then returned her focus to the agility course at a comment from the man sitting next to her. Everyone seemed similarly involved in their own conversations and private thoughts, hardly a look spared in her direction.

  Not bad. She was just another face in the crowd, nobody worth noticing. All her worries began to seem a little silly, maybe even self-centered. Obviously she wasn’t nearly as interesting to these people as their dogs or the competition about to begin.

  With a sigh of relief, Ray returned her attention to the course. Her stomach clenched when her gaze landed on Carly, who stood beside the dirt ring with Jack on a nylon lead. Carly didn’t seem to notice Ray, but she scanned the stands intently, and Ray knew that eye contact was inevitable. Ray braced herself not to react, but couldn’t stop the tidal wave of emotion that swept her away when Carly looked directly at her, then put a hand on a metal railing as though steadying herself.

  Ray was glad she was wearing sunglasses to hide the tears that filled her eyes. Carly’s face showed a mixture of love, heart
ache, and wonder that kicked Ray’s heart rate up a notch. Feeling like somebody else was controlling her body, Ray got to her feet and walked down to meet Carly beside the ring. Now that their eyes had met, Ray couldn’t wait another minute to break their weeks-long silence.

  When Jack spotted Ray, he wagged his tail and whined excitedly. Carly took a step forward then stopped, glancing around at the people who surrounded them. Ray could see the conflict in Carly’s eyes, the desire to greet her warring with concern about how to do so in public. Ray closed the distance between them and bent to scratch Jack behind the ears, never taking her eyes off Carly’s face.

  “I’m sorry,” Ray said. “I didn’t mean to get him all amped up right before you guys go out there.”

  Carly blinked as though she had expected Ray to say something else. “Oh. No, it’s okay. Hi.”

  “Hi.” Ray straightened and managed a weak smile when Carly greeted Jagger with a pat on the side. “You look beautiful.”

  Carly kept a straight face, but her cheeks flushed. “I wasn’t expecting to see you here. Thank you for coming.”

  “I couldn’t miss it. Not after all the time I spent practicing with Jack.” Ray lowered her gaze, not that Carly could see behind her sunglasses. “Not when I could show you that I’m getting better.”

  Carly twisted Jack’s leash in her hand. “Did you get my voice mail?”

  “All of them. I’m sorry I haven’t called. There’s no excuse.”

  Carly shook her head. “I’m the one who said we should spend time apart.” She spoke so quietly Ray could barely hear her above the crowd.

  Ray opened her mouth to respond, but an announcement over the loudspeaker cut her off. Carly tilted her head to listen. “We’re almost up,” she said. “Can you hold Jack while I go listen to the judge’s briefing?”

  “Sure.” Ray took his leash and gave Carly a cautious smile. “You’ll do great.”

  “I’ll be back to get him in a few minutes. He’s one of the first dogs out, so you won’t have to wait long to see him.”

  Ray nodded. She would stay until Carly was ready to leave, regardless of when Jack finished his run. They desperately needed to talk, and Ray wanted to do it as soon as possible. Being this close to Carly with no privacy was excruciating. All she wanted was to take Carly into her arms and kiss her silly. She had missed her, but until this moment she had no idea how badly.

  “We’ll be sitting over there.” Ray nodded toward the stands. Carly jogged over to a woman holding a clipboard who stood in front of a group of about ten other handlers. Casual in a T-shirt and track pants, with her hair gathered into a loose ponytail, Carly made Ray’s hands itch to touch her.

  Carly glanced back and beamed, then turned her attention to the judge. Certain that she was being overly obvious about how in love she was, Ray tore her eyes away. At her side, Jack and Jagger were going nuts greeting one another, licking each other’s faces and stumbling over each other’s paws in their attempts to get closer. Three weeks was clearly a hell of a long time for dogs.

  Who was she kidding? If it hadn’t been totally improper, Carly would have gotten approximately the same greeting from her.

  Ray sat down and waited for Carly to return, which only took five minutes. She offered Jack’s leash, expecting Carly to take it and leave for the ring, but was surprised when Carly settled down next to her instead.

  “We’re sixth.” Carly grabbed Jack’s leash and kissed him on top of his head, avoiding Ray’s eyes. “Do you mind if we sit with you for a few minutes before we line up?”

  “Of course not.”

  Carly glanced around at the crowd, then tentatively met Ray’s gaze. “How are you doing with this?”

  “Not too bad.” Ray joined Carly’s scan of the people surrounding them. “Better than I expected. Nobody’s paying me any attention.”

  “Good.” Carly clasped her hands in her lap. “I’m really proud of you. This is big, coming here.”

  “Thank you.” Taking a deep breath, Ray covered Carly’s hands with one of her own, giving her a brief squeeze. “I’ve had a lot of time to think. Maybe when this is over we can go home and talk.”

  “I’d like that,” Carly whispered. Eyes shiny with unshed tears, she gave Ray a pained smile. “We have a lot to talk about.”

  “I know.” Ray looked away. “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

  “We were both very emotional that day. It’s forgotten.”

  “No, it’s not. But I appreciate your forgiveness.”

  “Always.” Carly looked at the agility course, and for the first time Ray realized that a dog and its handler were running through the obstacles. “Jack and I need to get to our spot now. We’re up soon.”

  “You guys will do great.” Ray looked at Jack, who wagged his tail madly at the attention. Scratching up and down his sides, she told him, “You can do it, buddy.”

  “You’ll be here when we finish?” Carly looked scared to walk away, like Ray might disappear if she did.

  “Of course.”

  Nodding, Carly stood. “Then wish us luck.”

  “You won’t need it. But good luck anyway.”

  “Thanks.” Carly trotted off with Jack following energetically.

  Ray wrapped her arm around Jagger and pulled him close to her side. He laid his head against her shoulder and groaned, seemingly content to cuddle up and watch the other dogs quietly. The border collie who flew through the obstacles in front of them was Jagger’s polar opposite, all controlled energy and fluid movement. Jagger had many skills, but he moved like a clumsy elephant most of the time. He was the right color, too.

  “That’s okay,” Ray murmured as she took in the pure athleticism of the smaller dog. “I happen to love baby elephants.”

  Though she remained aware of the crowd, Ray found it fairly easy to concentrate on the action on the agility course. Occasionally she would feel eyes on her back, but every time she glanced around she found no one watching. When Carly and Jack finally stepped into the ring, everything else faded away.

  Carly looked both nervous and excited. Pretty much exactly what Ray was feeling. She led Jack to the starting spot and slipped off his collar, tossing his leash behind her. He sat still in front of her, vibrating with energy. Ray grinned. It took a lot for Jack to rein in his natural exuberance, and he was showing admirable restraint in not tearing across the field.

  A bell sounded and Carly took off jogging toward the first obstacle, a low jump. Jack followed at her command, completing the jump easily. Carly stayed five feet in front of him, directing him to three more jumps, then a tunnel, then over the dogwalk. Ray’s heart lodged in her throat as she followed his progress around the course. So far, so good. Beyond one brief moment where he threatened to lose focus, he was running through the obstacles like a champ.

  Ray held her breath as Jack approached the weave poles. She had no idea if Carly had practiced with him during their time apart, and this was by far his weakest obstacle. Shoulders tense, she watched as he slipped between the first two poles, then deftly weaved in and out of the line of ten poles. Not the fastest dog, certainly, but he did it.

  Even from across the ring, Ray could see the joy on Carly’s face when Jack emerged from the poles. With a hand gesture and a brief shout, she directed him toward the last two low jumps, then to the designated finish line. Carly whooped out loud when he got there, and Jack hopped around her legs excitedly. Ray’s face hurt from a grin she couldn’t suppress, watching the two of them celebrate their victory.

  Carly slipped Jack’s collar back on and exited the ring. She stopped to say something to a woman holding a clipboard near the judge’s table, then jogged to the stands.

  Carly’s excitement was so infectious that Ray stood and immediately swept her into a tight hug. Brushing her lips against Carly’s cheek, she said, “That was awesome! You guys did so well.”

  “Thanks,” Carly said breathlessly. Her hands landed on Ray’s back. “I was really geeked when he di
d those weave poles.”

  Ray pulled back slightly, too excited to care about how long she was lingering in Carly’s arms. They hadn’t been this close in weeks, and it was hard not to kiss Carly.

  “You did a wonderful job teaching him, Ray. Congratulations.” Carly squeezed Ray’s biceps lightly, eyes sparkling. “Are you up for sticking around for the rest of the trial with me?”

  “Sure.” Ray stepped away from Carly, glancing back at the stands. Even with the show she and Carly had just put on, they weren’t drawing any attention. She was both embarrassed and relieved. Her overwhelming fear of being out in public had almost certainly been overblown. Sure, anything could happen. But that didn’t mean it would.

  “Want to sit down?” Carly asked.

  “Please.” Jack had his head on her thigh as soon as she was seated. Ray rubbed his ears and grinned.

  “I still can’t believe you came.” Carly scratched Jack’s chest, grazing Ray’s arm.

  “I love you,” Ray whispered. “I wanted to show you I could.”

  “I’m sorry if I made you feel like you needed to prove something to me. It would have been okay if you hadn’t made it today, you know. It wouldn’t have changed how I feel about you.”

  “But it may have changed how I feel about myself. I’m tired of being helpless.”

  Carly bit her lip. “We need to stay for the ribbons ceremony, but do you want to get out of here after that?”

  Ray nodded. All she wanted was to get Carly alone. They had a lot to talk about, but she felt ready to work things out. “Yes.”

  Exhaling, Carly turned her attention to the arena. “I’ll try to think about dogs in the meantime.”

  Ray chuckled. At the moment, that was easier to say than to do.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven